I share caregiving of MIL with DH. She has always been extremely tight with money which comes from decades of conditioning from her controlling husband who has since passed away. She sends me in search of unicorns… For example, sunglasses that fit perfectly over her existing regular glasses, cost $10, and are available on the spot. Or, a mattress that costs $99 and includes free haul away of the old one. Most recently, she wanted me to shop around for the cheapest dental service. She’s been seeing the same dentist for over a decade and he’s fine.
She is not a victim of the Great Depression and has enough money to last the rest of her life. I realize I am very fortunate in that regard. It’s as if $10 is the same as $10,000 to her. She frets constantly.
By necessity, I have gotten better at recognizing when she’s sending me down the path in search of a unicorn. She is sensitive and insistent, and also has a bit of dementia. She’s not really capable of solving these problems on her own, hence, her request that I spend my time doing it. I don’t want to snap at her, but when I decline to spend an entire day trying to save her $10, she gets very upset with me. She means well, but has no concept of time or money. She really never has. She fixates.
Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what has worked?
At the end my bro worried about money. He had early Lewy's dementia, and he made me his POA and his Trustee of Trust. But continued to worry. To coupon clip, to hunt the mouthwash on sale. It is hard to change a lifetime of habit and he and I saw this in our parents as well. We came to see "Time to spend DOWN" as a family joke, meaning "I am about to die in a few years and cannot spend all this; time to let the reins go slack".
But that is almost impossible to do. You delighted me with you "sends me out in search of unicorns". I will remember and steal that adage; it is great.
Now, only thing I can think is to say gently and with HUMOR the following "Mom, you now have more money than you can outlive, even if you need memory care. It's time to "spend down". Let some slack in the reins. Don't worry, it won't go all runaway horse. I know this is how you have lived your life and I couldn't be more proud of what you and dad managed to do. It is a rare thing these days. BUT I am not willing to chase unicorns for you. That is to say I am not for hire for that duty. And if you make me do it I am gonna have to get paid by the hours. Paid LOTS! I can't do it. And I can't enable you in doing it."
Just let her know you are proud and love her to all heck, but you can't be hired on for this duty.
Your post made me think of my entire family, and indeed of myself. I sure wish you good luck and I would love an update.
I am afraid this fixation won't go away; I worried that if my brother's descent into dementia became worse he would fixate on money. He died in May and never had to go that dark path. Best wishes out to you and your Mom. Consider writing! You've a way with words.
How about a little white lie? I'd pretend that I looked into and that X is definitely the best option at this time. Her dentist? Best deal in town.
Don't let her waste your time doing these silly searches.
"I've reaearched mattresses on Consumer Reports.org. The available models cost between $500 and $1200. Which firmness do you like".
Do not go in search of unicorns. It is a waste of time.
Some people are just nutty when it comes to finances.
My husband’s grandmother wouldn’t bat an eye to drop $10,000 on a watch, then ask me to drive her to Burger King for lunch!
She would ask the cashier at Burger King for a senior citizen discount!
My husband and I used to laugh about it.
My secret fantasy is to be a stand up comedian because I have loads of material from hubby’s grandmother!
They are cheap! It’s crazy. Hubby’s grandmother was extremely wealthy, lived in an uptown mansion but would let food expire in her fridge!
I stopped eating at her house when I saw her salad dressings were all expired!
I took her shopping and she bought a bazillion rolls of toilet paper (pre COVID!) but wouldn’t buy new salad dressing!
She was hopeless. I have a friend that no one wants to eat out with.
She is so cheap that she won’t tip the wait staff. The rest of us tip her part.
Some people are horribly cheap! It’s not being frugal or thrifty. It’s CHEAP!
I don’t think there is a cure for it.
I would say not to drive yourself nuts about her habits but to continue to not cater to her unrealistic expectations.
Tell her that we are approaching 2021 and prices have gone up! LOL 😂
My grandmother was very frugal. I adored her. She wasn’t rich like my husband’s grandmother.
My grandmother was so sweet. My husband’s grandmother was an obnoxious person!
Every time I gave my grandma a gift she would tell me to save my money.
I started telling her that I bought her gift on sale.
I paid full price for her gifts but it made her feel better if she thought I haven’t spent a lot.
Can you trick her about the price? Or would she ask for a receipt?
People are odd with money. I suppose her ‘thriftiness’ is better than being a spendthrift!
Some people act as if they are spending Monopoly money!
Some people are hoarders and continue to buy crap. Some gamble money away!
It’s a game to them and they have nothing left for bills!
Is she computer literate? If so, I 'd suggest that she learn to shop, compare and, make choices online. Then you can purchase the products. If she's not, and if you still get yellow pages phone books, I'd show her how to use them, and suggest she call and do whatever you're doing to locate what she wants.
You could even make up a chart for her to complete for price comparison. Make a project out of it for her.
I think though that there's more to the issue than money; it's control and having someone carry out wishes for you, kind of like a servant or employee. Perhaps it's at this level that you have to consider changes, like establishing a certain amount of time, and that's it. No more searching.
And plan more activities for yourself, even though it's hard to do now. Do you do any needlework? Sew, knit, crochet? Any talents you can apply for charitable activities? Find something and do it, advising her when she wants a whole day spent for her that you're helping people who are poor and need assistance, and that it gives you pleasure to do so.
She may or may not get the hint. Then you may just have to establish time limits on her search and recover ventures. Regardless of whether or not she likes it, you're not her personal shopper, so you need to be firm about this. I think that's part of the problem; she knows she can manipulate you, so she does. I'm not sure that enabling is an appropriate term, but reinforcing might be. As long as she's in charge, she'll continue to be so until other action is taken.
Be strong, and remember that you're a caregiver for her, not her personal shopper.
But seriously - yes this is a common theme, and not a new one, I myself think there seem to have been just as many irresponsibly profligate survivors of the Great Depression as there were miserly ones so no real excuses there, and I'm very much afraid there won't be any quick 'n' easy answers.
Can you solemnly note down her specifications - price, delivery, functionality, quality - and then stall her with a cheerful "still looking, dearest MIL!" If you throw in your own bluster about the outrageous prices of Company X and the shocking attitude of Corporation Y she should be convinced that you're putting in the effort.
When it is an item that is a Need and not a Want, and the purchase has to be made no matter what the financial pain, e.g. decent dentistry, I should place those balls firmly in DH's court.
Speaking of comics and comedy. I have been watching all of the Faulty Towers reruns!
Just started watching the Are You Being Served? shows too.
I started a 30 day free trial with all of the British comedy shows.
It’s been fun!
The only thing is, mind, I no longer consider the character she played to be all that difficult!
I bet they had so much fun filming that show!
It is hilarious.
There is a very long thread on this forum (posted to regularly for over 3 yrs) where a DIL was so tired of dealing with nonsense that she resigned.
The problem, IMO, was actually caused by her out of state SIL who would create the chores and then call the locals to step and fetch.
The MIL wound up in a NH perhaps sooner than she would have if the local help wasn’t so worn out with incessant requests.
Having said that I have gone on a few trips myself for the right toothpaste or shade Of lipstick.
I found a dollar store often had the discontinued toothpaste. The lipstick was long forgotten when presented with a reasonable alternative.
I am glad you realize the problems are trivial but I know it’s annoying. Thankfully she doesn’t want you to take her with you while you look.
Another poster (Frequent Flyer) had a phrase she used to good effect. “I couldn’t possibly do that” and then move right on. She made a list of all the things she did for her parents and then scratched off the ones she was no longer willing to do and then scratched off a few more. When they tried to enlist her she would simply say “I couldn’t possibly do that”.
You could also say that you will spend one hour per week trying to find things. When that hour is up, no more searching until next week.
As for as her getting upset, she will get over it. After all, who else is going to do it? And for free!!
You will just have to toughen up while you wait for her to get over her pout. I know we hate to disappoint them. They really have such small lives and are probably trying their best. Sometimes we have to remind then that we are also aging and can’t do as much as we would like for them.
I am glad your DH is taking the dental appointments.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG7rrW8brnQ
(forgive the picture quality, the ad came out when I was still wearing high heels!)
OP, is that your mother-in-law on the phone???
Money is a tool for control. Her husband may have had her under his control with money. Now that she’s widowed, she finally gets control... at an age where she is losing control of other aspects of her life. So she’s clinging to the money. Like you said, she fixates.
Another take: I see where she is not from the depression era, but did she ever work or have a several activities she was into? If she was a stay-home mom all those years, her husband was the money maker. Now he’s gone and she doesn’t have that safety net, if you will. Surely if she spends ‘too much’ she’ll have to depend totally on you and DH or could end up being homeless and on the streets! Thus clinging onto money like her life depends on it, because in her mind, it does.
Of course she cannot solve these problems, as her solution does not exist.
If you want to help, you can google the price of X and give her a list of options that can be delivered.
My former MIL who did not have dementia, felt that she needed a ride to Walmart to go grocery shopping. She expected me to drive her and stay with her in the store. At the time we had the largest Walmart in Canada and she would spend 3-4 hours walking up and down every single aisle of the store. I had better things to do with my time and after one trip, said no more. I was willing to drop her off and gave her a time that was convenient for me to pick her up again. Shortly after I arranged for grocery delivery. She complained that the groceries were more expensive and they were, but she did not factor in my time.
After some thought, I realized since Dad couldn't drive anymore, so going some place without Mom, was like Disney Land to him.
Tothill, when I started ordering groceries on-line for my parents and for myself, it was a life saver for me. But for some reason my Mom said the food tasted funny. Oh good grief, same store, same items as she use to get when going into the grocery store. No more inside grocery shopping for me.
And heaven forbid if a food item changed its packaging. I had a hard time convincing Mom is is the SAME item.... "oh no it isn't, the barcode is different".... my Mom knew her barcodes.
Plus, he's also cheap, when he doesn't have to be.
The worst was her endless search for a pair of reading glasses (post cataract surgery) that didn't slide down on her nose. It didn't matter how many times I explained that most reading glasses are designed to sit low she still wanted them to sit like regular glasses. I finally asked her optician to prescribe regular frames with magnifying lenses. Once she heard the price those $19 readers fit just fine!
Not a great selection, but for me the price is right. Maybe some of the penny-pinching moms out there would appreciate them! They did recently change the "style" - not a big fan of these, but whatever. I broke my last pair, so it's this or big bucks, for something that probably is the same!
First pair of prescription lenses were a few years ago, needed for driving (honestly I could drive without them! Still can.) When I was picking the frame out (cheapest you have, it's for driving, I don't care!) she asked if I wanted progressive or bi-focal. I said neither. But but.. No. I fall asleep reading often and the glasses can come off, and get damaged. THESE are going in the car and will stay there (it was also a BOGO offer, so a pair for each car!) The readers I get are $1 so I don't obsess over them getting broken.
Next pair I decided to give the bi-focal a chance. Nope. HATE them. When driving into the morning or setting sun, I have to tilt my head back (short, so visor isn't helpful), and I end up driving looking through the "reader" part. GAK! Never again. I still have that first pair and often just use those.
Now that she is in MC, she texts and asks for specific groceries. I have to say no, and remind her to ask someone at the MC. Our situations may be different, OP, but boundaries are the way to go.
Colleen
I do understand it can be a challenge, as my late parents were very frugal, and always wanted to make sure they bought the best quality item at a fair price. Glad they did, their "rainy day" account was ready to use when the time came.
But I do remember the days when I use to get my Mom her groceries. Afterward both Mom and my Dad would go over the grocery receipt with a fine tooth comb. If they found something that was a dime off in the grocery store's favor, they wanted me to take back the receipt and have it corrected. So I used a "therapeutic fib"..... the dime came from my own pocket and I made some scratch marks on the receipt to make it look like I was at the grocery store.
Sig other took my Dad to buy a new computer printer. Both my parents poured over Consumer Reports and decided on what model to buy. At the store, Dad found said model, but he also wanted to check prices at another store. Sig other fibbed and said he couldn't do it that day, maybe sometime next week. Dad bought the printer as he didn't want to wait.
Both sig other and myself are very frugal, in fact it is a game to us that makes us smile. The total age of the 3 vehicles we own is 87 years old.
If an appliance break down and it would cost too much to repair, we will purchase a new one, usually a floor model or one that has a dent that no one can see :P
Oh, gosh, I hope we don't drive sig other's two grown children crazy when we really get older.
My mom was exactly like that with receipts.
There was a grocery store in her neighborhood that advertised if a cashier wrung up something at the wrong price, the customer got it for free!
My mom caught it every single time! She would tell the cashier that the item was on sale and she didn’t ring it up at the sale price. She got several items for free. She NEVER missed a beat!
Sounds like your mom would have gotten lots of free items too, had she shopped at the store in my mom’s neighborhood.
In search of another doctor tell her that to change doctors they request all sorts of tests that she would have to pay for thus increasing the cost of the visit so it would be less expensive to keep with the current dr.
*The new dentist will charge for a new patient exam.
*If mom hasn't had a full mouth xray, they will do that too.
*If she has dental insurance, you'd have to be sure they subscribe to it.
If not, she's paying!!!
Price comparisons:
Other reasons I wanted to change dentists
1) With same place over 30 years, but it was ~1/2 to work.
2) Not working now for several years, but mom's place was nearby.
3) Decided to stay with known, despite the hike, until he retires.
4) Due to virus, and age, he retired.
Once I found no local in-network, I started with the closest place and got some prices along with the codes (those are important if you check with insurance!) I had to go recently to old place, broke part of tooth, needed cap. So, I decided to ask them for prices too. Being way out here in more rural location, I expected lower costs. Nope. In several cases, the local cost was $29 more than the other, and in one case it was $50 more (this is the cost over the out-of-network payment, aka MY cost. I also didn't get the cost of everything, mainly the usual with crown too.) I got the max dentist prices and the payments from ins using those codes. In network, a lot was "free." I think I need to check some more local places. Sure, the old place is farther, more of my time, not worried about gas with one hybrid available, but only the dentist is new, everyone else I've known for years! If they are less and a known commodity, I might continue with them.
If she has dental insurance, maybe tell her that her dentist is the only one who accepts the insurance? If she doesn't have dental insurance, you can do what I did - get the procedure name and code plus price for a few usual treatments, such as x-rays and cleanings. Then call other places with the names and codes and ask their prices. IF they are more, tell mom there's no one cheaper.
Even better, just get that info from her current dentist, make a chart and list these, then in the next row list another local dentist and make up the prices, higher than her current dentist, then the next row another dentist, etc. Is she ever going to check your work? Probably not. Just shows her that you "checked" and they have the cheapest game in town!
A "touch" of dementia CAN be helpful in situations like this. A little subterfuge can work wonders!
"...I finally snapped and said, “these aren’t going to be family heirlooms. We are getting these. It’s time to go.”"
Then there's this method you used. Make a list of things you want MIL and we go when we go, limit the time and we take what they have or we go home without.
Pin on noah (pinterest.com)
My folks began failing in their eighties. I had moved away 30 years ago but was now pressed into service as the last surviving kid so I made many long drives to deal with elder issues. I began to notice things like the dinette set and sofa were the same ones when I was in high school, circa 1969, and held together with duct tape. Dad was developing dementia and was stuck in the 60s. That sofa .......We just got that the other day.....He’d tell me. And they had plenty of money at this point but no longer could comprehend how much they had or how much things really cost.
So to get anything done I had to construct elaborate fibs and a bit of theater. The carpet cleaner guy was a friend of mine and had a little soap left in his tank from other jobs so he’ll do ours for free. Worked like a charm. The 45 year old dryer died but guess what.....I had another old buddy at home depot who found me a new one with a couple scratches for only $50! Dad had been putzing around trying to fix the old one for a month.
On one trip home I noticed that the huge flat screen tv (the first one ever made) in the living room had a huge black vertical stripe that moved slowly across the screen. It was just nuts, mom and dad contently watching wheel of fortune on this thing. Turns out my buddy at Best Buy got us a damaged tv really cheap!
When I finally got them in assisted living it cost around $8k per month. No way could they find this out!! I had to really duck, Bob, and weave on this issue. Pretty much told them not to worry, it’s pretty cheap here and your insurance and Medicare cover it. Not.......By this time I’d been controlling the finances for a couple of years and could get away with such fibs.
If you suspect your MIL's price memory might be stuck in the past, there's a very easy to use gov. website for seeing CPI-adjusted dollar equivalents between any two dates, which may or may not help you shop for her within the price range her memory is in (hope that makes sense). Anyway, here's the website: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl?cost1=10.00&year1=195001&year2=202011
Kudos to you helping your DH take care of his mom's needs. Best wishes on this journey.
My mother has become a sucker for every "charity" that claims to help disabled vets. You would not believe the junk mail she receives daily with pics of vets missing limbs.
My dad signs up for magazines, then doesn't remember doing it and calls me wanting me to cancel them. Takes a day of wild goose chasing for me to track everything down and put an end to it.
Scammers will also call to see if they can get a live one on the phone. Then they befriend them and start asking for money, or say they won the lottery. My mom had to turn the ringer off to stop a guy from Jamaica calling. He was relentless. Early morning to late at nite trying to get money from dad. They cold call till they find someone. He also started writing checks to every fake or real charity. Would send for things found in the back of magazines. Thousands lost. He didn't even open the boxes.
What if you told mil your still looking. Leave it at that. Tell her you havent got the best answer, or deal yet. Still looking into it. Or with covid their shut down you can't. No one open if she understands about that. Maybe that will work? Just keep saying you are looking into it. Dont actually do it.
If you are son are poa get mom's money locked up in case another salesman comes to the door. Or get a ring/door cam that will go to your phone so you know who came to the door. The scammers will not stop. They know the elderly have dementia.
Gold luck
When he needed a new hearing aid, the staff at his hearing aid office worked with me in telling him they would take his old hearing aid and Mom’s hearing aid in “trade” and he was happy to hear it would only cost $200. So those “filets” come in handy.
The suggestions you received are great and most times your Mom will forget about the item she sent you on a wild goose chase for.
Just like raising your kids all over again...patience and distraction work well.
Try reading The 36 Hour Day, it was my bible for Mom and now Dad.
Hang in there! Hugs