I share caregiving of MIL with DH. She has always been extremely tight with money which comes from decades of conditioning from her controlling husband who has since passed away. She sends me in search of unicorns… For example, sunglasses that fit perfectly over her existing regular glasses, cost $10, and are available on the spot. Or, a mattress that costs $99 and includes free haul away of the old one. Most recently, she wanted me to shop around for the cheapest dental service. She’s been seeing the same dentist for over a decade and he’s fine.
She is not a victim of the Great Depression and has enough money to last the rest of her life. I realize I am very fortunate in that regard. It’s as if $10 is the same as $10,000 to her. She frets constantly.
By necessity, I have gotten better at recognizing when she’s sending me down the path in search of a unicorn. She is sensitive and insistent, and also has a bit of dementia. She’s not really capable of solving these problems on her own, hence, her request that I spend my time doing it. I don’t want to snap at her, but when I decline to spend an entire day trying to save her $10, she gets very upset with me. She means well, but has no concept of time or money. She really never has. She fixates.
Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what has worked?
In the larger scheme of things, it's a minor issue for me. Perhaps if your time is monetized with an hourly rate your MIL would be able to weigh what she wants you to do against how much it costs you of your time. Just a thought.
I suggest you tell her what I used to tell my cheap father.
'You can't take it with you'.
Don't go wasting a whole day chasing down unicorns for her or using $25 in gas running around for her so she can save 25 cents. Put the brakes on that now or it will get worse.
She can't have but a certain amount in the bank or she'll have to pay for her own health insurance. So, I remind her to spend it on yourself or the government gets it.
As has been said here. I don't tell her the real cost on some things.
And as you stated, it is likely cause by her tight wad, controlling husband.
My aunt was like this as she grew up in an abusive home during the Depression, lacking the basic necessities. It was ingrained in her to be a tightwad, even though her husband was a good provider. She sent me on a few unicorn journeys as well.
Her son-in-law handled her money (I thank God for him), and did it well. She went for a long time needing a bridge in the front and had a big gap. She fretted and fretted over the money but SIL assured her she had plenty and some insurance. He contacted the dentist and made payment arrangements and gave strict orders they were NOT to let her know the price. Well, she asked and demanded the info. They hemmed and hawed and I think one lady told her it was $200. She believed it and left. (It was really more like $2,000). My sister and I joked that if aunt found out the real price, she'd go storming back to that office, yank out the bridge and slap it on the counter and demand her money back! :-)
And she WOULD HAVE!
When he needed a new hearing aid, the staff at his hearing aid office worked with me in telling him they would take his old hearing aid and Mom’s hearing aid in “trade” and he was happy to hear it would only cost $200. So those “filets” come in handy.
The suggestions you received are great and most times your Mom will forget about the item she sent you on a wild goose chase for.
Just like raising your kids all over again...patience and distraction work well.
Try reading The 36 Hour Day, it was my bible for Mom and now Dad.
Hang in there! Hugs
Scammers will also call to see if they can get a live one on the phone. Then they befriend them and start asking for money, or say they won the lottery. My mom had to turn the ringer off to stop a guy from Jamaica calling. He was relentless. Early morning to late at nite trying to get money from dad. They cold call till they find someone. He also started writing checks to every fake or real charity. Would send for things found in the back of magazines. Thousands lost. He didn't even open the boxes.
What if you told mil your still looking. Leave it at that. Tell her you havent got the best answer, or deal yet. Still looking into it. Or with covid their shut down you can't. No one open if she understands about that. Maybe that will work? Just keep saying you are looking into it. Dont actually do it.
If you are son are poa get mom's money locked up in case another salesman comes to the door. Or get a ring/door cam that will go to your phone so you know who came to the door. The scammers will not stop. They know the elderly have dementia.
Gold luck
My mother has become a sucker for every "charity" that claims to help disabled vets. You would not believe the junk mail she receives daily with pics of vets missing limbs.
My dad signs up for magazines, then doesn't remember doing it and calls me wanting me to cancel them. Takes a day of wild goose chasing for me to track everything down and put an end to it.
If you suspect your MIL's price memory might be stuck in the past, there's a very easy to use gov. website for seeing CPI-adjusted dollar equivalents between any two dates, which may or may not help you shop for her within the price range her memory is in (hope that makes sense). Anyway, here's the website: https://data.bls.gov/cgi-bin/cpicalc.pl?cost1=10.00&year1=195001&year2=202011
Kudos to you helping your DH take care of his mom's needs. Best wishes on this journey.
My folks began failing in their eighties. I had moved away 30 years ago but was now pressed into service as the last surviving kid so I made many long drives to deal with elder issues. I began to notice things like the dinette set and sofa were the same ones when I was in high school, circa 1969, and held together with duct tape. Dad was developing dementia and was stuck in the 60s. That sofa .......We just got that the other day.....He’d tell me. And they had plenty of money at this point but no longer could comprehend how much they had or how much things really cost.
So to get anything done I had to construct elaborate fibs and a bit of theater. The carpet cleaner guy was a friend of mine and had a little soap left in his tank from other jobs so he’ll do ours for free. Worked like a charm. The 45 year old dryer died but guess what.....I had another old buddy at home depot who found me a new one with a couple scratches for only $50! Dad had been putzing around trying to fix the old one for a month.
On one trip home I noticed that the huge flat screen tv (the first one ever made) in the living room had a huge black vertical stripe that moved slowly across the screen. It was just nuts, mom and dad contently watching wheel of fortune on this thing. Turns out my buddy at Best Buy got us a damaged tv really cheap!
When I finally got them in assisted living it cost around $8k per month. No way could they find this out!! I had to really duck, Bob, and weave on this issue. Pretty much told them not to worry, it’s pretty cheap here and your insurance and Medicare cover it. Not.......By this time I’d been controlling the finances for a couple of years and could get away with such fibs.
Pin on noah (pinterest.com)
In search of another doctor tell her that to change doctors they request all sorts of tests that she would have to pay for thus increasing the cost of the visit so it would be less expensive to keep with the current dr.
*The new dentist will charge for a new patient exam.
*If mom hasn't had a full mouth xray, they will do that too.
*If she has dental insurance, you'd have to be sure they subscribe to it.
If not, she's paying!!!
Price comparisons:
Other reasons I wanted to change dentists
1) With same place over 30 years, but it was ~1/2 to work.
2) Not working now for several years, but mom's place was nearby.
3) Decided to stay with known, despite the hike, until he retires.
4) Due to virus, and age, he retired.
Once I found no local in-network, I started with the closest place and got some prices along with the codes (those are important if you check with insurance!) I had to go recently to old place, broke part of tooth, needed cap. So, I decided to ask them for prices too. Being way out here in more rural location, I expected lower costs. Nope. In several cases, the local cost was $29 more than the other, and in one case it was $50 more (this is the cost over the out-of-network payment, aka MY cost. I also didn't get the cost of everything, mainly the usual with crown too.) I got the max dentist prices and the payments from ins using those codes. In network, a lot was "free." I think I need to check some more local places. Sure, the old place is farther, more of my time, not worried about gas with one hybrid available, but only the dentist is new, everyone else I've known for years! If they are less and a known commodity, I might continue with them.
If she has dental insurance, maybe tell her that her dentist is the only one who accepts the insurance? If she doesn't have dental insurance, you can do what I did - get the procedure name and code plus price for a few usual treatments, such as x-rays and cleanings. Then call other places with the names and codes and ask their prices. IF they are more, tell mom there's no one cheaper.
Even better, just get that info from her current dentist, make a chart and list these, then in the next row list another local dentist and make up the prices, higher than her current dentist, then the next row another dentist, etc. Is she ever going to check your work? Probably not. Just shows her that you "checked" and they have the cheapest game in town!
A "touch" of dementia CAN be helpful in situations like this. A little subterfuge can work wonders!
"...I finally snapped and said, “these aren’t going to be family heirlooms. We are getting these. It’s time to go.”"
Then there's this method you used. Make a list of things you want MIL and we go when we go, limit the time and we take what they have or we go home without.
I do understand it can be a challenge, as my late parents were very frugal, and always wanted to make sure they bought the best quality item at a fair price. Glad they did, their "rainy day" account was ready to use when the time came.
But I do remember the days when I use to get my Mom her groceries. Afterward both Mom and my Dad would go over the grocery receipt with a fine tooth comb. If they found something that was a dime off in the grocery store's favor, they wanted me to take back the receipt and have it corrected. So I used a "therapeutic fib"..... the dime came from my own pocket and I made some scratch marks on the receipt to make it look like I was at the grocery store.
Sig other took my Dad to buy a new computer printer. Both my parents poured over Consumer Reports and decided on what model to buy. At the store, Dad found said model, but he also wanted to check prices at another store. Sig other fibbed and said he couldn't do it that day, maybe sometime next week. Dad bought the printer as he didn't want to wait.
Both sig other and myself are very frugal, in fact it is a game to us that makes us smile. The total age of the 3 vehicles we own is 87 years old.
If an appliance break down and it would cost too much to repair, we will purchase a new one, usually a floor model or one that has a dent that no one can see :P
Oh, gosh, I hope we don't drive sig other's two grown children crazy when we really get older.
My mom was exactly like that with receipts.
There was a grocery store in her neighborhood that advertised if a cashier wrung up something at the wrong price, the customer got it for free!
My mom caught it every single time! She would tell the cashier that the item was on sale and she didn’t ring it up at the sale price. She got several items for free. She NEVER missed a beat!
Sounds like your mom would have gotten lots of free items too, had she shopped at the store in my mom’s neighborhood.
Now that she is in MC, she texts and asks for specific groceries. I have to say no, and remind her to ask someone at the MC. Our situations may be different, OP, but boundaries are the way to go.
Colleen
The worst was her endless search for a pair of reading glasses (post cataract surgery) that didn't slide down on her nose. It didn't matter how many times I explained that most reading glasses are designed to sit low she still wanted them to sit like regular glasses. I finally asked her optician to prescribe regular frames with magnifying lenses. Once she heard the price those $19 readers fit just fine!
Not a great selection, but for me the price is right. Maybe some of the penny-pinching moms out there would appreciate them! They did recently change the "style" - not a big fan of these, but whatever. I broke my last pair, so it's this or big bucks, for something that probably is the same!
First pair of prescription lenses were a few years ago, needed for driving (honestly I could drive without them! Still can.) When I was picking the frame out (cheapest you have, it's for driving, I don't care!) she asked if I wanted progressive or bi-focal. I said neither. But but.. No. I fall asleep reading often and the glasses can come off, and get damaged. THESE are going in the car and will stay there (it was also a BOGO offer, so a pair for each car!) The readers I get are $1 so I don't obsess over them getting broken.
Next pair I decided to give the bi-focal a chance. Nope. HATE them. When driving into the morning or setting sun, I have to tilt my head back (short, so visor isn't helpful), and I end up driving looking through the "reader" part. GAK! Never again. I still have that first pair and often just use those.
Plus, he's also cheap, when he doesn't have to be.
Of course she cannot solve these problems, as her solution does not exist.
If you want to help, you can google the price of X and give her a list of options that can be delivered.
My former MIL who did not have dementia, felt that she needed a ride to Walmart to go grocery shopping. She expected me to drive her and stay with her in the store. At the time we had the largest Walmart in Canada and she would spend 3-4 hours walking up and down every single aisle of the store. I had better things to do with my time and after one trip, said no more. I was willing to drop her off and gave her a time that was convenient for me to pick her up again. Shortly after I arranged for grocery delivery. She complained that the groceries were more expensive and they were, but she did not factor in my time.
After some thought, I realized since Dad couldn't drive anymore, so going some place without Mom, was like Disney Land to him.
Tothill, when I started ordering groceries on-line for my parents and for myself, it was a life saver for me. But for some reason my Mom said the food tasted funny. Oh good grief, same store, same items as she use to get when going into the grocery store. No more inside grocery shopping for me.
And heaven forbid if a food item changed its packaging. I had a hard time convincing Mom is is the SAME item.... "oh no it isn't, the barcode is different".... my Mom knew her barcodes.
Money is a tool for control. Her husband may have had her under his control with money. Now that she’s widowed, she finally gets control... at an age where she is losing control of other aspects of her life. So she’s clinging to the money. Like you said, she fixates.
Another take: I see where she is not from the depression era, but did she ever work or have a several activities she was into? If she was a stay-home mom all those years, her husband was the money maker. Now he’s gone and she doesn’t have that safety net, if you will. Surely if she spends ‘too much’ she’ll have to depend totally on you and DH or could end up being homeless and on the streets! Thus clinging onto money like her life depends on it, because in her mind, it does.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG7rrW8brnQ
(forgive the picture quality, the ad came out when I was still wearing high heels!)
OP, is that your mother-in-law on the phone???
There is a very long thread on this forum (posted to regularly for over 3 yrs) where a DIL was so tired of dealing with nonsense that she resigned.
The problem, IMO, was actually caused by her out of state SIL who would create the chores and then call the locals to step and fetch.
The MIL wound up in a NH perhaps sooner than she would have if the local help wasn’t so worn out with incessant requests.
Having said that I have gone on a few trips myself for the right toothpaste or shade Of lipstick.
I found a dollar store often had the discontinued toothpaste. The lipstick was long forgotten when presented with a reasonable alternative.
I am glad you realize the problems are trivial but I know it’s annoying. Thankfully she doesn’t want you to take her with you while you look.
Another poster (Frequent Flyer) had a phrase she used to good effect. “I couldn’t possibly do that” and then move right on. She made a list of all the things she did for her parents and then scratched off the ones she was no longer willing to do and then scratched off a few more. When they tried to enlist her she would simply say “I couldn’t possibly do that”.
You could also say that you will spend one hour per week trying to find things. When that hour is up, no more searching until next week.
As for as her getting upset, she will get over it. After all, who else is going to do it? And for free!!
You will just have to toughen up while you wait for her to get over her pout. I know we hate to disappoint them. They really have such small lives and are probably trying their best. Sometimes we have to remind then that we are also aging and can’t do as much as we would like for them.
I am glad your DH is taking the dental appointments.