I share caregiving of MIL with DH. She has always been extremely tight with money which comes from decades of conditioning from her controlling husband who has since passed away. She sends me in search of unicorns… For example, sunglasses that fit perfectly over her existing regular glasses, cost $10, and are available on the spot. Or, a mattress that costs $99 and includes free haul away of the old one. Most recently, she wanted me to shop around for the cheapest dental service. She’s been seeing the same dentist for over a decade and he’s fine.
She is not a victim of the Great Depression and has enough money to last the rest of her life. I realize I am very fortunate in that regard. It’s as if $10 is the same as $10,000 to her. She frets constantly.
By necessity, I have gotten better at recognizing when she’s sending me down the path in search of a unicorn. She is sensitive and insistent, and also has a bit of dementia. She’s not really capable of solving these problems on her own, hence, her request that I spend my time doing it. I don’t want to snap at her, but when I decline to spend an entire day trying to save her $10, she gets very upset with me. She means well, but has no concept of time or money. She really never has. She fixates.
Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, what has worked?
The only thing is, mind, I no longer consider the character she played to be all that difficult!
I bet they had so much fun filming that show!
It is hilarious.
Speaking of comics and comedy. I have been watching all of the Faulty Towers reruns!
Just started watching the Are You Being Served? shows too.
I started a 30 day free trial with all of the British comedy shows.
It’s been fun!
But seriously - yes this is a common theme, and not a new one, I myself think there seem to have been just as many irresponsibly profligate survivors of the Great Depression as there were miserly ones so no real excuses there, and I'm very much afraid there won't be any quick 'n' easy answers.
Can you solemnly note down her specifications - price, delivery, functionality, quality - and then stall her with a cheerful "still looking, dearest MIL!" If you throw in your own bluster about the outrageous prices of Company X and the shocking attitude of Corporation Y she should be convinced that you're putting in the effort.
When it is an item that is a Need and not a Want, and the purchase has to be made no matter what the financial pain, e.g. decent dentistry, I should place those balls firmly in DH's court.
Is she computer literate? If so, I 'd suggest that she learn to shop, compare and, make choices online. Then you can purchase the products. If she's not, and if you still get yellow pages phone books, I'd show her how to use them, and suggest she call and do whatever you're doing to locate what she wants.
You could even make up a chart for her to complete for price comparison. Make a project out of it for her.
I think though that there's more to the issue than money; it's control and having someone carry out wishes for you, kind of like a servant or employee. Perhaps it's at this level that you have to consider changes, like establishing a certain amount of time, and that's it. No more searching.
And plan more activities for yourself, even though it's hard to do now. Do you do any needlework? Sew, knit, crochet? Any talents you can apply for charitable activities? Find something and do it, advising her when she wants a whole day spent for her that you're helping people who are poor and need assistance, and that it gives you pleasure to do so.
She may or may not get the hint. Then you may just have to establish time limits on her search and recover ventures. Regardless of whether or not she likes it, you're not her personal shopper, so you need to be firm about this. I think that's part of the problem; she knows she can manipulate you, so she does. I'm not sure that enabling is an appropriate term, but reinforcing might be. As long as she's in charge, she'll continue to be so until other action is taken.
Be strong, and remember that you're a caregiver for her, not her personal shopper.
Some people are just nutty when it comes to finances.
My husband’s grandmother wouldn’t bat an eye to drop $10,000 on a watch, then ask me to drive her to Burger King for lunch!
She would ask the cashier at Burger King for a senior citizen discount!
My husband and I used to laugh about it.
My secret fantasy is to be a stand up comedian because I have loads of material from hubby’s grandmother!
They are cheap! It’s crazy. Hubby’s grandmother was extremely wealthy, lived in an uptown mansion but would let food expire in her fridge!
I stopped eating at her house when I saw her salad dressings were all expired!
I took her shopping and she bought a bazillion rolls of toilet paper (pre COVID!) but wouldn’t buy new salad dressing!
She was hopeless. I have a friend that no one wants to eat out with.
She is so cheap that she won’t tip the wait staff. The rest of us tip her part.
Some people are horribly cheap! It’s not being frugal or thrifty. It’s CHEAP!
I don’t think there is a cure for it.
I would say not to drive yourself nuts about her habits but to continue to not cater to her unrealistic expectations.
Tell her that we are approaching 2021 and prices have gone up! LOL 😂
My grandmother was very frugal. I adored her. She wasn’t rich like my husband’s grandmother.
My grandmother was so sweet. My husband’s grandmother was an obnoxious person!
Every time I gave my grandma a gift she would tell me to save my money.
I started telling her that I bought her gift on sale.
I paid full price for her gifts but it made her feel better if she thought I haven’t spent a lot.
Can you trick her about the price? Or would she ask for a receipt?
People are odd with money. I suppose her ‘thriftiness’ is better than being a spendthrift!
Some people act as if they are spending Monopoly money!
Some people are hoarders and continue to buy crap. Some gamble money away!
It’s a game to them and they have nothing left for bills!
"I've reaearched mattresses on Consumer Reports.org. The available models cost between $500 and $1200. Which firmness do you like".
Do not go in search of unicorns. It is a waste of time.
How about a little white lie? I'd pretend that I looked into and that X is definitely the best option at this time. Her dentist? Best deal in town.
Don't let her waste your time doing these silly searches.
At the end my bro worried about money. He had early Lewy's dementia, and he made me his POA and his Trustee of Trust. But continued to worry. To coupon clip, to hunt the mouthwash on sale. It is hard to change a lifetime of habit and he and I saw this in our parents as well. We came to see "Time to spend DOWN" as a family joke, meaning "I am about to die in a few years and cannot spend all this; time to let the reins go slack".
But that is almost impossible to do. You delighted me with you "sends me out in search of unicorns". I will remember and steal that adage; it is great.
Now, only thing I can think is to say gently and with HUMOR the following "Mom, you now have more money than you can outlive, even if you need memory care. It's time to "spend down". Let some slack in the reins. Don't worry, it won't go all runaway horse. I know this is how you have lived your life and I couldn't be more proud of what you and dad managed to do. It is a rare thing these days. BUT I am not willing to chase unicorns for you. That is to say I am not for hire for that duty. And if you make me do it I am gonna have to get paid by the hours. Paid LOTS! I can't do it. And I can't enable you in doing it."
Just let her know you are proud and love her to all heck, but you can't be hired on for this duty.
Your post made me think of my entire family, and indeed of myself. I sure wish you good luck and I would love an update.
I am afraid this fixation won't go away; I worried that if my brother's descent into dementia became worse he would fixate on money. He died in May and never had to go that dark path. Best wishes out to you and your Mom. Consider writing! You've a way with words.