Follow
Share

96 year old Mom broke her hip in August (inoperable as her heart won't take surgery), wheelchair bound. She is consistently thinking about her Mom & Dad and has dreams begging to be with them. She's lost all interest in everything and I can't seem to get her uplifted. I feel bad she has come to this, but I also get angry with her when she's this way...which again I have guilt. Not sure what to do anymore....she will watch tv for about 5 minutes then tell me she can't watch that stuff...I cannot sit in her room for hours doing nothing so I do leave her room, do other things and come back to check. I should have said my husband and I live with her to keep her in her home. Any thoughts if this is a sign of her giving up or probably depressed?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
She is 96 and no doubt in pain. I think she has accepted the inevitable reality that her time on this earth is drawing to a close. She's tired. She's ready. You are the one who is in denial about this. If you are a reader I urge you to check out Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal
https://www.agingcare.com/products/being-mortal-medicine-and-what-matters-in-the-end-433866.htm
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Beev1952 Dec 2018
Thank you; I will check out this book.
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
She sounds like she is ready to go. I think all you can do is try and make her tradition into the next life as comfortable as you can for her. Gently broach the subject with her. See where her mind is at. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

At her age and with the medical issues she’s dealing with who can blame her for being tired of it all? Has she seen her doctor recently? Maybe a med for helping her be comfortable and calm if she’s not already on one could be of help.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Transition I meant to say.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Breaking of the hip is very serious in the elderly. Yes, she could be depressed and there are meds for it.

Look at this from Moms perspective. She is 96 so most of her friends, if not all, are gone. She has to have some pain and sitting in a wheelchair cannot be comfortable. If she has Dementia she probably realizes something is just not right. And she has a bad heart on top of that so she is probably tired a lot. You may see it as trying to be "uplifting" but she may see it as "please let me be". Be loving. Ask if there is anything you can do? You may want to call Hospice in for an evaluation.

Why do you feel guilty? Because you don't know what to do? I know, its hard but you need to let her do it her way.

It may be Moms time. I believe they know it. My Dad did and he passed a week later in his sleep. You have had Mom longer than most people have had a parent. Be glad for that. Let her go with no regrets.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report
Beev1952 Dec 2018
Thanks so much JoAnn. This is probably spot on and I will let go a bit. Thanks much.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
i would have her evaluated for hospice or palliative care to ease her transition to end of life. At 96 with a broken hip she must certainly be in pain.
Pain is exhausting for those suffering with it - emotionally and physically. It probably takes all her strength to do whatever she does these days.
As hard as it is for us, we have to accept that death is a natural progression of life. It will happen.
Try to focus on her comfort and call her PCP to request a hospice evaluation or at least palliative care. Once you’ve made this step & she is accepted, pain relief will be provided for her and she may very well pass away.
Its ok to let your mother go. She’s lived a full life.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
Beev1952 Dec 2018
Thank you for your thoughts. I will discuss with her Dr. after the holidays.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Put her in her wheelchair and take her out of that room to roam her own home. Interact with her regularly so that she doesnt just sit there and think about just her parents. She may think that you are keeping her away from her parents. Bring her up to date to where she is and become her companion.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
daughterJoan Dec 2018
Yes, get her OUT!!
My mom loves it outside. If its sunny, I take her OUT.
(0)
Report
What is so wrong about wanting to die? In your mom's situation it seems like a normal response. Perhaps an evaluation by hospice would help both of you in her final transition.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
anonymous828521 Dec 2018
Agree with Arleeda. Also, it can be cruel to deny a LO their moment, by insisting on all kinds of interventions. My grandma died @ 86, refusing hospital cuz they wanted 'tests' & feeding tube for her. Today we sometimes prolong their suffering just for ourselves or science.
(5)
Report
Do the fun things that you want to do and bring her a long. They can be simple things like going to nice bakery, or look at the Christmas decorations in the city, something fun that you enjoy. Don't worry about her if she is negative, just enjoy it and still love the heck out of her. In time, she's going to come around and you're going to have fun & enjoyment in life (so will she). LOVE LIFE AND SO WILL SHE.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

That could well be treatable depression. We were sure my Mom had days or a week to live over the summer. Wanted nothing to do with people or food. Anti-depressants turned that around as did weaning her off other sedative meds.
She was in similar frame of mind in October. She was taken off more meds, my youngest sister came to visit for a weekend from out of state. I think the operative change was minimal sedative meds. We all rotate visiting her at the Home throughout the week. Her sister also helps with that.

Peace! For yourself, always try to maintain a level of normal lifestyle! Your mental health is also vital.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mom might choose to stop eating. If so, there’s no denying it: she’s ready to go.

Regardless, I agree with the others who suggest a hospice evaluation. At at this point, Mom’s comfort is the #1 priority.

We all get hung up on our parents “getting better” and “making progress” and “bouncing back from XXXX.” Inevitably, there is an event that negates all that.

Sounds like Mom is there — and Mom has accepted it. Don’t take Mom’s resignation personally.

Forget all the woulds-coulds-shoulds, and focus on love.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Lizhappens Dec 2018
You and others are stronger than I. I always hope for recovery. God blessed that you can share that head on with her
(0)
Report
She's tired and depressed. And perhaps feeling trapped. Think about her interests when she was younger. Do her grandchildren visit? That almost always made my mother smile. Also what is you are watching? Try things that are funny, silly, or that she finds interesting. Towards the end, my mother enjoyed programs about animals and nature, "Curious George," the Kratt Brothers cartoon, music tv station with pretty pictures of natural scenes.

Honestly, your mother is transistioning. It's hard to accept and you won't emotionally. But intellectually, you have to try.

Two things to do now: first, consider and call a good hospice provider; second, find a support group for you and possibly your husband.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I really don't have any advice except that you are not alone in your feelings. Your story is my story too with my mom. She had a major stroke at age 90. She went from totally independent to totally dependent with the loss of function on her right side. Recently she was moved from skilled nursing to assisted living. Since I live close I am able to visit everyday. I never know what to expect, some days she is positive, other days she is so unhappy and according to her everybody hates her and nothing makes her happy. She can't stay interested in anything and says she should not be in this situation. I am totally mentally exhausted. I feel guilty because I want my life back. My husband and I finally have the time to travel and we are stuck at home. I don't want to burden my kids having to visit her daily, they work and have busy lives.
I know she appreciates my help as she does thank me every single day. I hope once she adjusted a bit to her new surroundings it will be easier for her, and I told her a couple days ago that once she is settled that I may not be able to come everyday that I do need to take care of some of my own business. She seemed to understand.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Harpcat Dec 2018
That was a good first step in telling her that DebOel. You do need to start weaning your visits and reclaim your life. And that is ok! My dad broke his hip and femur over a year ago and transferred to LTC from AL and was so unhappy and hateful over it. Now he is just sad all the time and wants to go. It is not unusual the way your mom feels. It just is what it is and probably part of the grief of loss. Please know it's ok to carry forward with your life and I bet she would want you to. She has the care there and they can always call you.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
The sad thing is after an elderly person breaks a hip death usually follows within a year or so. This happened to my mother who was much younger than your mother. Mom has many other health problems but had always been able to bowl, which she loved to do. After she had healed from her break she found out she could no longer bowl. This really upset her as this was a great part of her social life. I believed that this was the beginning of her downfall. Her other health issues started to take a rapid toll on her.
My father who had Alzheimer’s fractured his leg falling out of bed, he was gone in three weeks. I don’t tell you all this to be cruel I just want you to understand and be prepared for your mom to go join her parents. Broken bones are hard on the elderly. Love to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Karsten Dec 2018
I think that was an over generalization and not a necessary comment.
(0)
Report
She definitely sounds depressed, and it’s a reasonable situation to be unhappy about. It sounds like she needs other activities to stimulate her mind and interest. After the client I worked with went into rehab, when she came home she was always depressed for anywhere from a month to three months. It was difficult dealing with that, but it does pass. Keep yourself afloat with emotional and mental Support. It would frustrate me, and I would feel guilty too, That’s why the support For you, and patience with her is important until she can get past this. Incorporate other activities for her. Outings - Even if it is just a drive. children’s crafts were a delight for her sometimes. take her out for a stroll around the block. Breaking it up helps. be creative! Anything that works, works. God bless and good luck
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I cannot offer a solution, my deepest apologies, but though it is not consolation, my parents are at that age where they can go to eternity any time now. Then, scary for me the idea of becoming first generation myself, and soon maybe, my cousins. If you would like, I will pray with you.
All I can offer is, if she goes to sleep soon, just remind yourself that as painful as it is, at least she is not suffering without quality of life anymore. But I understand your point. Losing a parent you love is something you can never prepare for. The idea of you, if there are any grandbabies, great x2 or any great x3 grandbabies, their grief.
Let me know, and if you want, I will attempt to pray for her healing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Beev1952 ; sad to hear but this happens and I can tell you that I would contact Hospice if you havent already do not think of it end of life but as comfort and remember your mom is mourning the loss of her own abilities and independence and all of that is gone forever!!Yes I beleive you are right in both aspects !!antidepressents and anti anxiety meds may help if you havent already tried and I really want to say I put my Aunt on Hospice it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest I am so releived to know that the hospice team is here to help me whenever I may need them and my aunt is receiveing more help and care and comfort !! Hospice is a major help and releif !! I put my aunt on Vitas hospice and I control her meds they are REALLY GREAT ! GOOD LUCK !!PRAYERS TO YOU
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Hi, this sounds like a very difficult position and I’m sure hard for everybody involved. The only thing that I can think of is to just take it one day at a time. Acknowledge her wishes and dreams, help her to talk about her mom and dad maybe that will make her feel better. Take it one hour at a time and one day at a time. I would recommend hiring outside help, babysitters, neighbors etc. to spend time with her so she’s not alone. Hugs to you
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It's my belief that the soul survives the physical death. It does give me some comfort knowing that death is not the end but the beginning of another existence.

Your mom is ready to leave her broken body behind and be free. She seems to have made peace with it. The longer she is in her current state of being, the longer she suffers. Let her go. We will all have to take that step eventually.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
anonymous828521 Dec 2018
Agree with polarbear
(4)
Report
This is so not unusual and in fact it's the usual sequelae of falling, breaking a bone and being so dependent that your life is no longer what it was. She's facing a loss and wanting to go as her purpose is over. My dad is the exact same way. She's lived a very long life and if I was her I'd be ready to go. It's normal in fact to feel this way. Death is often wished for by the frail and elderly. Let her know you understand, never try to tell her to not express it and tell her it's ok to feel that way. Acceptance is easier for you as well...guilt is unnecessary. They lose interest in most of their past pleasures, even TV.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My life last year was just like this. Mom passed the end of July. This year has been hard. I am sleeping better, as I hardly got any sleep while she was like your mom. Can only pray for you. I did get some help for a few weeks and my husband and I got away a few times to give me a breather. But it is just hard. I am glad you are there for her, It's no picnic for her either.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

my mom has always had depression and is taking meds for it, but since her fall (hip fracture) in July she has been in a rapid decline. She told me one day that she just wanted to die. And I told her that I understand. But her health continues to decline and she tells me, you see? You understand? And finally dr referred to hospice. And when she complains now, hospice helps her feel a bit more comfortable. That’s all we can do.

I have depression too and that is what I would want. And yes, I’m taking meds, did years of therapy. It has not helped. I now do yoga, meditation and best of all ‘sensory therapy’ (which I do with mom) if she is up to it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It is really hard but I would advice you just listen to her. Get out of guilt. It should be okay to vent her feelings, just it in my opinion with my mom. Yes we are Christian but she wants to be with Dad again. I believe he will be there. We can't change what they think but I tell you every step into Mom's dementia (blessed because she is kind because she knew the Lord). No hard on all of use but realize where she is now isn't in her brain anymore. Yes frustration but you need to take time for yourself. I was totally done one night, I went to a nearby hotel. I sept like a baby, I was about me for one night. It help me get back to me. Just a small respite can make a difference. Hope this helps. Revised issues after a night of taking care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi Beev.
This is a difficult time for you and your mother both. It sounds as if you love your mother very much and want what is best for her. Kudos to you for that. Obviously she has lived well and been well cared for, or she would not have reached such an advanced age, kudos to you for that as well!

But now things have changed and she is reaching a time of transition. She is, as others here have said, probably in pain, and no longer able to move about as she once could. She sees that her life going forward is not going to be as it has in the past, so she is looking toward other things to anticipate - as you said, being with her loved ones who have gone before her rather than the living. These are probably not sad thoughts for her, although they may be alarming to you.

Her faith or beliefs along these lines may actually be very comforting to her and she may wish to dwell on them rather than on TV episodes, which may seem shallow and inane to her now. Perhaps she would like to take this time to share memories with you. Maybe a video recording of her telling her family stories and life adventures would become a family treasure to share with grandchildren some day. This could become a peaceful, shared time between the two of you as you both move toward acceptance.

Instead of trying to change how she feels, my advice is to try to change the way you feel. Seek grace and serenity to accept and understand that whatever she's feeling is okay and normal. You don't have to make her happy. Just try to keep her comfortable if you can. You're doing fine.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Beev,

You have received very good, realistic and caring advice here.

I’d just suggest to try a few things to see if they help, One would be a more effective medication for her pain. Her doctor should be able to work with her and you on that.

Secondly, you can try getting her on antidepressants; many people on this site have mentioned that antidepressants have literally changed their loved ones life.

Third, when someone is so deep in the depression hole as your mom seems to be and like my mom has been for a very long time, they tend to reject the idea of going out or basically doing anything outside their self destructive routine which is filled with nothing but sad and negative thoughts. What I’ve learned may work is to engage them in a conversation about something they like to talk about, which in my mom’s case is her previous life, her younger years!
Even if I have heard the story many times before, I listen to her attentively, and laugh if appropriate or seem surprised if there is something that a person listening to the story for the first time would be surprised about.
Without realizing it, she gets into her own story and laughs too, or simply relives a time of her life when she felt she was an independent and very capable woman. Normally she has at least several better hours afterwards a little out of what I call the black and deep hole of depression. Maybe you could try the same, just make sure that your interest is and seems real so she can feel encouraged to talk to you.

Plus, I think that even if we have heard the same stories before, it is a great opportunity to enjoy a moment with your mom.

Lastly, I will advise to you what I am trying to put in practice myself: Put yourself in your mom’s shoes. And then remember how you felt and what you thinked about when you put yourself in your mom’s shoes every time you feel angry, tired or desperate.

Realistically Beev, this is a precious time for you to be with your mom. I know this is very hard, very hard. But it is what it is and we need to come to terms with the reality of our lives. Try to comprehend that every and any feeling or emotion you experience through this is perfectly understandable and explainable. Put your guilt aside, you are doing your best, actually your husband and you are doing your best. These are extremely hard times when you need to learn to treat yourself with as much love and consideration as what you should be treating your mom with.

One step at a time, all is doable, all is possible. :)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I think it’s difficult to say if she’s giving up. She must be very disheartened. I can only imagine how it must feel to suddenly find yourself permanently wheelchair-bound. I’m sure there would be a period of morning the loss of ability, and a further blow to her independence too. Is she in pain? If so, I would say that needs to be addressed right away. I know its upsetting to hear a loved one say they want to die. She may be feeling hopeless right now. Given time, she may rally. It’s hard to say.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Please see that she sees a geriatric psychiatrist because her depression CAN BE HELPED. And see if new pain medication can help her. She may be predicting her own demise. My late mother did.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mom was like this for a while. I lost her this past Tuesday. Her last word was to us when we told her we knew she was exhausted and it was time for her to rest and let us take over and see to her comfort since we loved her. She strained to say it but finally said GGGGOOOOOOOO. We said our good byes and left after spending that last day with her. She waited till we were all gone then she went home to her mom and family. She was smiling when she left too.
So, your mom may be preparing to enter her eternal rest also. It hurts when we get upset but it will happen. We still are searching to see if there was something more we could do. There wasn't. We did what we were able to do and spent time with her every week.
I pray your mom finds peace and so do you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Karsten Dec 2018
sorry about your loss but your story brought me to tears
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Since I am a Christian maybe reading the bible to her like the chapter of Palms to help her give hope and calm her down. Also, talking about Jesus and how he died for us so we can live with him forever in heaven. Or if your uncomfortable with talking about all of that maybe call a minister from a local church to minister to your mom.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Beev1952; please listen to llamalover47s advice about seeing a GERIATRIC DOCTOR there is a huge difference in a specialist in GERIATRICS than just a family practitioner that is their speciality what they do is work with elderly and you are normal to get upset with our loved ones when it seems they have thrown in the towel ....do not feel guilty you are a good caregiver Your mom is 96 and has had a long life maybe shes just tired and all the pain makes it worse we do not know how hard it is to have to grasp ahold of every peice of energy we have just to get up in the morning and then to deal with constant PAIN your poor mom at 96 YEARS OLD so very sad for her to be in such agony have you spoke to a chaplin for your own support ,social ,worker, Family, Friend , any one to have support...if not please do and look into hospice for her comfort God Bless you
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Llamalover47 Dec 2018
Lorraine12: Thank you for that nod. I absolutely think the OP's mom could be helped by a geriatric psychiatrist.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter