My 91-YO mother, who lives in FL, but visits PA every summer, is unhappy staying at the homes of both my brother and me (and my husband) when she visits. She can't afford a hotel, and even though we have offered to pay, she refuses. All her conversations are filled with negativity and complaining. When staying at my brother's house, she nags him and complains about the living conditions. She recently left our house (after spending 1 night), crying and saying that she doesn't feel welcome here and that she's felt this way for years. This was very hurtful. Our lives, social circles, interests, activities, and friends are very different from hers. We always try to include her, but she hangs back. I feel guilty and responsible. Can I repair this rift? Or should I stop beating myself up and accept that her opinions and emotions are her own?
I'd nix the invites entirely, if this were my mother, and try to go visit HER once in awhile. If she's so miserable staying at her children's homes, and refuses a hotel, why bother coming in the first place??????
How can you repair a rift you had no part in creating? Should you apologize for inviting mother into your home? What did you do wrong? Was it all that breathing your family did? Unless you cursed her out or asked her to sleep in the garage, you DID welcome her into your home!
Stop apologizing for something you didn't do, and chalk this nonsense off to your mother being high strung. But I would ask her about antidepressants because living with THIS level of emotion is unnecessary.
Good luck to you.
My beloved Brett, a wonderful person, was taken down by Stage 4 colon cancer at 33. He was so brave, and wanted to live so bad! It was heartbreaking to watch him and be helpless. He had so much joy and help to bring to others! Such a wonderful man my ex-husband adored him!
Then my best GF of 32 years, who was by my side through so many life events, and helped me through divorce, getting jobs, and much more. After loosing Brett, 3 years later she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and went through 2 rounds of it, 4 years apart! She came to my door with her hair in a paper bag after her first chemo! After such bravery and suffering, she recovered 4 years....then was killed by a brain tumor at age 56. She got to hold her first grandaughter one time. She lost all her hair twice, grew it back. She also suffered bravely, never complained or fell apart...and didn't deserve such a brutal death.
I wouldn't feel sorry for these 90 some elders and their damn complaining and misery! They already had their long lives, without torture from cancer, or similar health issues. They give nothing back to the world or loved ones, but sheer misery and selfish crap. I see it on AC all the time. The family does so much just to try and please them, yet what have they done for others to deserve the ass-kissing?? Their family is expected to fund their travel, entertain them, deal with their caregiving, constant sacrifice....and hear nothing but griping? They waste valuable time trying to please these elders, that are just ungrateful, mean and nasty?
Those who were loving, supportive, hard working, generous and made the world a better place end up dying early, with terrible suffering. Then I read about these selfish, horrible elders 80-90 who live to create misery. They are old and tired, miserable, negative, and spent the last 30 years being ungrateful to be alive. Nothing they can do will make them happy, and they clearly do not appreciate the efforts made.
I've learned the hard way how short life is. How precious time on earth is. I refuse to tolerate it, just because they are "family." You can't choose your family, so why tolerate their crap? Did these elders do anything for anyone else? Were they generous, caring, thoughtful or helpful to you when younger? Why do they think they are owed ANYTHING now?
They all made their own beds in their own lives...Bad behavior should not be rewarded.
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I am 81. My daughter is 62 and her hubby 70, and once a year I visit them, late June to late July for 1 month. I give up electronics completely for a month! Gives this forum a break from me and my opinions.
It is the most solid-fun and worry-free month I have in any year.
We don't stay in one another's hair all the time. She lives near Puget Sound and in the a.m. I always take a long walk on that peaceful shore, staring at the great rocks, always bring home some in the pocket.
We make the cooking EASY and keep pot pies in the freezer for those days we don't care to do it at all, or get Papa Murphy's Pizza, something I cannot get here and would like thrown into my coffin when I die. We always gamble at least twice, something I don't do the rest of the year.
We make little trips. We shop. Farmer's market, plant nurseries, bakeries.
We junk shop. We get to sit over coffee and chat and chat. We watch a bit of tube at night and her hubby bring me treats; salted caramels, spicey chips.
I retire about 9 so they have time together alone. And they go off to the concerts they love some weekends.
We garden. We walk. We talk and don't spend lots of time trying to convince one another of ANYTHING anymore; so easy to just agree to disagree.
I can't tell you how much fun we have, and it is so tough for about two months after to know we are two states away from one another again for a while.
That's us; they always want to take me more places than I want to go. Like, say, Seattle and the Market there. For them great fun. For me, I would rather do a plant nursery and stay in the rest of the day. They are more active than me. They understand. Or try to. And now we can actually TALK about things. Like how hard it was for her to hear me say "I don't have the stamina for it".
I feel so loved and cared for when there.
But I also would be the last to complain about anything much at all.
There is always lurking in the back of any mom/child relationship the history of mom/child.
That always has memories of complications. It always takes care. Careful wrapping or unwrapping; think of the most delicate porcelain.
To my mind you need now to level with your mom honestly and openly. I think visits should be short. No more than a week; two at most. I think that she SHOULD stay nearby in her own place and I would tell her that last visits haven't gone well for either of you and the last thing now you want to build is hurtful memories, and that having her own space for her own self of an evening to pile up with a good bottle of wine, some chips and the tube or a good book gives you respite from one another. And you are a phone call away.
I don't know what else you can do.
Maybe give up expectations is a good one. Don't expect mom to be happy all the time. That's not how we live normally. She shouldn't expect you to be. Don't expect one another to do things your way; you each have your own way of doing and being now. I mean my DD and I could argue ANYTHING, including gas range versus that glass topped thingy I don't like. But just DON'T. Because why?
My daughter lives in a place where the neighbors all know and love one another. I am a social recluse. At first the fact that anyone may pop in at any time, even for supper, was shocking (and frightening to me) and now I am friends with some of her friends myself; just love a couple of them. And they are FAMILY to her.
We all have to give and take, adapt and try and adapt, and let loose of anything less than perfect. Just let it fly. Go and garden. Hand mom a rake. Take a walk.
I hope it goes better.
I can remember a time it was tougher; once I left with chest pains and told myself "I am not saying CRAP to anyone about this, because if I am having a heart attack I am doing it over the city of SF". I hope it gets better for you both! I bet it will, because you wish it so.
I doubt you’ve made Mom feel unwelcome! She’s just lashing out in her own way and scapegoating her kids as the source of her problems, or just unleashes her anger out on you.
And yes, she does sound like she’s having issues with anxiety and/or depression. She may not be open to seeing a doctor about that, though.
My MIL chose to move from South Jersey to central Fla when she and FIL were 69. We had a 4 yr old and a 12 yr old. When my FIL passed, the "move down here started". When we retired "the house behind me is up for sale". I am sure she expected her Dear son to pick up and move down there for her but he did not even bring up the subject. In the 31 years I knew this woman she was never happy. She expected certain things from people and when those expectations were not met she got mad or pouty.
My MIL thought about moving back but I think realized that there was no one here but us. Her sister and FILs brother were in Fla. FILs siblings were all gone but a couple. We no longer had the family Christmas party or picnic because the Aunts used to do it and they were gone or too old. The cousins were spread out doing their own thing. She would not be coming home to the home she once knew. Her friends had died off too. I was not going to be her entertainer. So maybe thats Moms problem, PA is not how she remembered it. And her moving back will not change that.
People are people. Some of us are grouchy, some are optimistic, some are selfish, and some are generous. Most of us are made up of a mixture of characteristics.
Human nature doesn't change through time; we all just work with and react to the circumstances we are faced with.
If this is new behavior maybe she needs an antidepressant.
The old ways don't work as well when we get older. There's no need to keep pretending they do. Start a new visiting tradition - or stop it all together. There's no need to make everyone miserable because you all happen to carry the same DNA.
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