88 year old mom doesn't want to be "a burden" to us, but she doesn't understand she causes more problems by refusing to move in with us!

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88 year old mom doesn't want to be "a burden" to us, but she doesn't understand she causes more problems by refusing to move in with us!

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I'm an only child, so there's no one to help out but my long-suffering hubby. We've just moved into our new home, and we built her a beautiful, sunny bedroom with direct bathroom access. We painted it her favorite color, decorated it with her aunt's antique bed, new mattress, and her mother's quilt.

I had all these visions of us fixing wonderful dinners, watching movies, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch watching deer frolicking in the pasture, and sharing memories.

When we started planning this house, mom said her husband didn't get along with anyone, and he would never live with anyone. She said he didn't like his own kids and their spouses, and he didn't like my spouse, so we shouldn't plan on them living with us. When he died last year, I was sure she'd come live with us. But she's still rejecting us!

She's insisting on staying in her home, paying for a cleaning lady, yard man, and calling us to come over to fix her internet/tv, bring groceries, take her to the doctor or dentist, diagnose her aches, pains, and boo-boos over the telephone. I work from home, but recently she called me to ask what she should do about her chronically swollen ankle that was really hurting.

Instead of getting up from my desk and walking across the hall to assess the ankle, I had to alert my boss and my team I would be away for an unknown period of time to make a home visit and possible ER visit. My boss was understanding but tight-lipped, and I could imagine the eye-rolling of my team who had to cover for me.

The ankle was red, hot and angry looking, so I had to take Mom to the ER for them to officially diagnose cellulitis. Mom protested and argued with me all the way to the ER about why she didn't need to go to the hospital. I finally said, "Mom, this isn't working for me. If you lived with us, your ankle wouldn't have gotten to this state. I know you want to stay in your house, but that's placing an undue burden on us. During the work week, you're going to have to stay at our house, and then you can go home on the weekends." Mom agreed.

She stayed with us for four days after she got out of the hospital, but she refused to return when we went back to pick her up on Sunday! She listed all the reasons why she couldn't possibly live any where but her own home. The biggest reason? She has so many bills to pay, and 3 checking accounts to keep track of! She said, "When Lennie came by every morning to eat breakfast with me, it was easy to keep track of everything, because he'd double check my check-writting to make sure I didn't get my hundreds and thousands mixed up."

My husband complained bitterly about those daily visits because she always had a laundry list of things for him to do: replace a bulb, fix a screen, hang blinds, tote things to Goodwill, bring things up from the basement, chase down a phantom noise, fix the stove, chase off a gopher she hears under her porch, assure her there is no squirrel loose in her basement, put up a new mailbox, fix the storm door the cleaning lady bent..... you get the picture. My hubby complained, "It's always something! I can never do a quick check-in. She eats up half my day, everyday! She insists we eat breakfast. Even if I take her breakfast, she insists on forcing me to eat the eggs she scrambles. I'm not fond of scrambled eggs, but I force them down. By the time I leave, the day is shot. I can't get anything done!"

I totally empathize, but I'm still working. My hubby says this was not how he envisioned his retirement. He thought he would have time for his pursuits; he didn't plan on being mom's fix-it handyman/taxi/errand boy/accountant/exterminator/security force. He, very rightly, complains he can't keep up two houses.

I care for mom on the weekends, and I get stuck in the same situation. We do all her things, none of our own, and on Monday, I feel like I missed the weekend. We're tired! If she just lived with us, it would simplify our lives. Any ideas?

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In hindsight, I wish I had more strongly encouraged my mother (now 91) to move into Assisted Living while she was still able to make the transition from living in her own home (near me) alone as a widow for many years. If she had done so, she might have settled in and accepted that as her new normal, made friends and fit into the community. She was always very much against leaving her own home and had the mindset that the only alternative was a "nursing home". She stated more than once that she would only leave her home "feet first" (at death). From that I knew it would take an illness or an "event" to get her out of her home and that is exactly what happened in April of 2019. A week in the hospital, a month in rehab and then we moved her into a lovely assisted living apartment (also near me). However, after trying to go out the door 7 times in the first month to walk home even though she had no idea where it was, we had to move her to the Memory Care side where she is one of the more highly functioning of the residents. If she could have settled in where she was, she would have been much happier in the long run and the rent was $1,000/month less on the Assisted Living side. As I am a widow myself, still work full time, and am guardian for a teenage grandchild, there was no way I could have brought her into my home, even with caregiver assistance. Bottom line is that if your mother will make the transition and can afford to do so, it sounds like now is the time and what would be best for all concerned before she cannot make the adjustment to new surroundings. There are several residents in the Assisted Living side of my mother's facility that are not nearly as capable as my mother, but they aren't trying to walk out the door because they consider it home. A few of those residents also have private caregivers who come in and assist them with their daily needs which aren't part of the standard of care of Assisted Living. I would suggest that you find a nice facility near you which has different levels of care, Independent Living, Assisted Living,and Memory Care which can be a long-term plan. The change will be hard, but with regular visits at first by you and your husband, she can learn to settle in and participate with the community. She could also establish a relationship with a new doctor and physician's assistant who visit the facility. Keep in mind one more important fact/consideration. There are no guarantees that your mother will pass away before you. What would happen if you and your husband were in a car wreck together? Who would care for your mother then? As an only child, you should have a backup plan and if she were living in a Retirement Community/Assisted Living facility, it would be easier for someone else to step in and help her.

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Consider yourself lucky that she does not want to move in with you. I understand there are issues that make it hard now but you can address them different ways

But if you think its hard now? Wait until she moves in with you and gets older and needs more care.

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I think, perhaps, that your mother may understand the situation better than you do. Listen to her. Your daydreams of the perfect life with Mom, are dreams, not reality. From what you have described, I would say that living with Mom would be far worse than letting her be, at least for now.

Set some limits on time with Mom so that you and your husband have time for yourselves. It is entirely reasonable to tell her that you will stop by for an hour after work, once a week. There is no reason why your husband should become your mother's handyman. If she needs a handyman, she should find one through a referral service. If she needs financial help, she may want to see a professional financial manager.

You can't live her life for her and also have one of your own. Let her be for a while and let her figure out if she can really live on her own. As long as you give up your life to make hers work, she will not face up to the reality of her needs. After a few weeks while your husband has "lots of things to do" and you can only spare an hour or two after work, see if she is still adamant about staying in her home, unassisted. Then sit down and have a serious, factual talk about what she needs, how you might be able to help, and what other options are available.

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Very honest and compassionate advice!!

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Why would she want to change what is working for her? And it certainly works. I mean, you are even eating eggs that you don't like.

Don't do the handy man chores for her anymore if she has money that will pay for it. If these are little chores burning up your husband's time, are they things that current caretaker could be doing for her? If yes, make a list for the daily/household minor things for cleaning lady to take care of when she cleans house. Other things like lifting or hanging blinds may be contracted and paid for by hiring a handyman to go to her house when there is a day's work to be done (things like hanging blinds, hauling off boxes, bringing things up from basement). Organize her chores.

Financial tasks should be done by her or you. Since you see her regularly, get a printer at her house and make a copy of her check register to take home with you. Look it over and make corrections in her master register. Don't spend your time doing tasks when you visit - visit with her.

Tell her that if she wants to live in her own home, someone needs to be looking in on her more often to avoid things like the bad foot. (Just a question - if you and hubby are over there so often, why didn't either of you notice the problem like you said you would have noticed if she had been living with you?) If she has cleaning lady come once a week, tell mom that cleaning lady needs to come maybe 3 times a week to double as a cleaning lady, check on her health, and take care of minor household needs (lightbulbs, etc). Let mom pay for these things. It will also get more people visiting during the week to entertain her a little.

If she complains about expense, let her know you are working from home but it is the same as being in an office all day. Don't tell her hubby doesn't want to do it, rather that he is busying himself around your house or is getting out to do things he likes to do to get him off the hook a little. Go to her house and eat a meal or two during the week or bring her to your house. Maybe get her to spend a couple of nights with you away from the 'honey do' arena at her house. Maybe you can create some of the pleasurable moments with her that you dreamed about

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My neighbor Martha has been living alone even since she moved in here. She is 92. There is some wisdom in the old tried and true-- careful what you wish for, it might come true. Now--- this sounds like a job for Philippians 4:6-8 which basically stare anxiety happens when you forget hoe blessed you are and where all those blessings come from and--- to pray before you start making a mountain out of a molehill. And when you pray, ask God to let you know how to best minister to her and not if you should do that or this-- because the heart really is wicked and will do its very best to steal the show and say God told me to do THIS. And it will be nothing but a big fat fabrication for one's own "good". I personally am glad I could find my mother adequate space before she died so she could enjoy herself and have her privacy. Now she is in heaven in her glorified body and looks a heckuva lot better yours truly. Yup. Hold your peace, my dear. If she needs to be in an assisted living, you'll be the first to know but that seems far away-- 3 or 4 or 5 years.

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You are the one who doesn’t understand, your mother is do you a tremendous favor by refusing to move in with you. My mother lives with us and everyday I regret making that mistake. I am no longer her daughter I am her mother. I am too old at 71 to do this. You better think long and hard about what you want her to do.

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At your age 71 you have to be a family caregiver? OMG. Your mom needs to be put into a senior community for your sake as well as hers. If she doesn't have to be in a nursing home, there is specialized apartment housing for elders who are still somewhat functional but who also need some help. No insult or disrespect intended to you but you're too old to be doing this job.

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When we built our dream home 10 years ago, we invited my father (a widower) to move in with us. He was in his late seventies, healthy but lonely. We created a full basement apartment for him, including raising the ceiling, additional lighting, full kitchen and bath, heated floors etc. When the house was complete, he put off moving in for 4 years. Once he arrived, he soon got a reality check. My husband and I were gone 12 or more hours each day as we both worked demanding jobs. Long story short, he was as lonely as ever. He insisted on cooking for himself most days and this became a huge problem for me as the smells from his kitchen would permeate the entire house and I found them gross …he would call his friends on the phone every night to solve the world’s problems and it was deafening (he is extremely loud because he is hard of hearing). These were little nuisances and he was pretty good overall. Still, it wasn’t the best arrangement for either of us. It’s funny how little things can get on your nerves when you have to put up with them day-in day-out. He stayed with us 4 years. He made the decision to move into community living two years ago and loves it! He got his independence back and so did we!

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Why do you do all those things. It sounds like your mother controls you completely. Quit doing all her chores and quit eating with her. Do the necessary things like grocery shopping and taking her to the doctor. My long time friend’s mother has been the same way and has taken up most of her life. Her mother doesn’t care that her daughter and her husband have no life and haven’t in years. Your mom is a selfish woman and it isn’t because of old age. Learn to speak up because she could live for many more years.

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Hi, Tbee1:
Do not be manipulated. Think very seriously about moving your Mom in with you, because that means totally giving up your privacy. Please obtain social worker's advice to assess her independence to stay in her own home. She may require additional help beyond your capabilities.

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Does your mother have her mind? Is she competent? Does she know what’s going on? Can she make her own decisions? If so, leave her be!! Let her stay in her own home!! You don’t have to run over there all the time. Once a week is plenty to see her. She can hire people to do the lawn or get her groceries. Don’t let her move in with you. Don’t treat her like a child. She could easily live to be 100!! My mother is 96 and lives alone in her house. I learned the hard way to leave her alone. I’m not her boss, I’m not her caregiver, I don’t tell her what to do, I don’t treat her like a child, I don’t tell her what’s good for her. I don’t tell her what to eat or drink. I stopped doing all of those things. Do you want to know what I am? I am her daughter. I visit with her as her daughter and we have finally been getting along GREAT!! It took me years to figure this out!!! Be her daughter, nothing more!!

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I am trying this too! It's very good advice. No amount of suggesting/talking/bossing changes my folks minds anyway - just takes up brain space & destroys my peace. No joy comes of it.

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I’ll give you another example. My mother can barely walk at 96 but her mind is sharp and has reasoning skills. She takes call a bus to the grocery store. She needs it renewed by her doctor. I dropped it off to her doctor. They told her she could take OSCAR which is part of call a bus twice for free. Both times they wanted a donation and she refused to give it. She has been told not to drink coffee in their cars. They said they need to set boundaries with her. Sunday she told me she needs to behave herself so they will let her renew call a bus for 3 more years. But yet she is arguing with the driver on Wednesday. There is a possibility they might NOT renew her call a bus. Guess who is NOT going to pick up the pieces, ME!!! She will have to figure out another way to go out and about. She may have to hire a cab for 25.00 a pop, one way. She had a great deal going with call a bus. Only 3.00 one way. But she can’t behave herself and keep her mouth shut so they may cancel her and I’m not picking up the pieces. She will have to call instacart for her groceries. It’s tough love, and I’m glad other people are seeing what I use to go through with her.

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OMGOSH! I am not the only child but the middle child of 3. I thought the same thing as you, about how much easier it would be to have my mom move in with us. I imagined just like you how it would be so nice spending really quality time doing everyday activities together. Cooking, gardening, sewing, walks, watching movies and how she would be a tremendous help in keeping the house in order. You see, I still work a fulltime job and do not work from home. I was dreaming bc it’s not like I imagined at all. I have no free time; no life. Weekends? What’s that? My mom is 98 and she doesn’t do much of anything. She can’t walk and is restricted to her wheelchair and lift chair. All she does for herself now is feed herself but that’s slipping away everyday. I thought taking care of her would be easy. It’s not. It gets harder everyday.

She has been with me for over a year now. I had put her in Respite Care for 6 weeks for a much needed break. In all honesty I could have used more. She had been back only 1 day and all the stress and strain returned in an instant. I now have someone come 6-8 hours a day M-F and an occasional Saturday. But it’s still a strain. We have no privacy.

My hubby is a gem too. But it’s unfair to him. He may have signed up to take care of me “in sickness and in health” but not my mother. Find another way. You and hubby get your life back. Sounds cold and callous but your mom has lived her life.

Take care of yourself 1st!

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Very true, thank goodness you were able to get respite care. I had less than a total of 24 hours off in 2 years. There are those family members that will promise assistance but will never ever help. Lip service is all you will get and when you actually ask excuses why they can't help will come forth in abundance.

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Your lives pertaining to keeping up with the maintenance of 2 households will be easier if you sell her house. Having said that, are you prepared to be at her back and call 24x7? Are you sure you want to put this kind of stress on your marriage? This is not something as simple as moving her in, but a complete lifestyle change for you and your spouse. Why in the world does she have 3 different checking accounts? I can understand 1 checking and 2 savings but not 3 checking. (We have 2 savings, 1 regular savings, the other is money put aside monthly for house taxes,car,house,motorcycle insurance, small amount for major maintenance and upkeep) moved MIL into my 3 bedroom home, we were both retired, children grown and out of the house. She had her own large bathroom, a bedroom, with other bedroom turned into a sitting/tv room with some of her furniture to make it more like home for her and to give her a spot when she wanted her time. We had a reclining lift chair for her in the livingroom which she loved because it was comfortable. She spent most of her time with us downstairs so no privacy, you will need to watch their shows not what you enjoy, her stuff started to invade thru the rest of the house. If she's demanding now she will be more so later regardless if you are working or not. Yes I took care of and loved her till she made her final journey without us, after moving in she could not disguise the fact she had the beginnings of vascular dementia which in addition to CHF complicated by afib was not a good thing. I was estatic when her home was sold "as is" because she constantly wanted to go see and do there. She will get to the point of being argumentative about dr orders, taking meds correctly (filled pill boxes, she insisted she could take her own meds, um nope took them from different days, I would stop her from double dosing,put meds on top shelf of upper kitchen cabinet so she couldn't reach them, caught her pushing counter height chair by cabinet, asked her what she thought she was doing, getting my medicine I'm going to stand on the counter to get them. Told her no way was she standing on my brand new kitchen counters and she had already taken her morning meds. After that fiasco I began locking them in the safe) It's like taking care of a toddler who is aging in reverse, they have no stops, want what they want now, not later. Don't forget to add in all the extra cleaning time, loads of laundry, repairs to your home to keep it nice. Time for you or husband, um nope, not going to happen. Her sweet boy (my husband was actually upset about the amount of time I had to put into his mother's care and he felt neglected, we've been together for 40 years and this is the closest we ever been to a divorce. ) my answer was sorry, I'm only 1 person, do you want to give her a shower or clean her bathroom, he ended up washing her breakfast dishes and sweeping kitchen. Don't get me wrong, I loved her a great deal and would do for her all over again but I would do so with more boundaries concerning her daughters and demand help / time off. If you really want mom to reside with you does she have the funds to hire someone to help care for her? Do not use your money or you will find yourself in a financial bind, use hers. Assisted living closer to you may be a better option for all concerned so she can mingle with people her own age and take advantage of activities that could keep her mentally and physically engaged.

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OMG, the medicine and climbing! I have dealt with that same issue with an elderly relative whom I tried to help. She would climb and fall all the time! She saved all her old meds and every few months she would climb up and pull them all out of the cabinet and have a meltdown, saying, "I found THIS! Why is THIS not in my pill container? Why haven't you been putting this medicine in my daily meds?!"

I'd then point out to her the date on the bottle was from 6 years ago and show her the new meds she was taking instead. "Oh, okay." Then I'd suggest we dispose of the 6-year old medicine and all hell would break loose! "Nooooo! I paid a LOT of money for that medicine. The doctor might put me back on it!" So, I'd box it up and put it wayyyy up and back in a cabinet and several weeks later, she'd climb a stool and do it all over again!

She would randomly take pills out of different days of the week containers instead of on the correct days. I kept a calendar on the table next to her pills. I'd find the calendar in the guest bedroom under a blanket.

It is maddness!

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If they refuse to move in with you, which sounding from your dads disposition is a good idea, then they have to pay for the upkeep. If they cannot then it is time to sell and move into an apartment. It will be difficult for them but there is no other option.

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Imho, I hear you; I really do. My own late mother did not prepare for her elder living arrangements. She said "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." My response - "I am not, mother; you've left us with a real dilemma." She demanded to live alone in her own home 7 states away from me and all the way across country from my sole sibling. In the end, I had to leave my home, state and move in with her. I do NOT recommend it. Your story was mine - until my mother died. Prayers and good luck.

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Moving her in with you will solve ten problems and create 20 more. Don't do it. She can no longer take care of her home and all of the chores living on your own requires. If you and your husband think you don't have a life now....just wait until you move her in. You will not have a single minute to yourselves. She sounds like she is a perfect candidate for assisted living. She would have companionship and not all of the work of maintaining a home. You could visit her whenever you wanted and she can leave and visit you whenever she likes. She wouldn't have to cook. She could choose to do her laundry or have someone at the facility do it. Problem is you will have to be firm with her and tell her you can no longer manage her independent life. I am guessing she isn't going to go down easy...

Good Luck.

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You could begin to solve this by having home care for her that might eventually lead to assisted living. Your husband shouldn't be expected to do so much. Every weekday morning?! Even with home care you will need to do a lot, but the caregiver can take over some of it, like cleaning, grocery shopping, and maybe doctor appointments, though you might want to continue taking her for those so you know what is going on with her that she doesn't report to you. The caregiver will also supply some socializing, which is likely what she is after with all the calls.

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Believe everyone here when they tell you that your situation with mom will not improve if she moves in with you and your husband. In fact, it will get even worse. The complaining and making a huge deal out of small trivial things will get worse because there will be resentment towards you for taking her independence away. I know this might sound strange to you because you're jumping every minute over every little thing for her, but she believes that if she's still in her home she's independent and not a burden to anyone. Your mom would probably benefit greatly by a live-in companion. That would certainly alleviate your situation greatly and would help her with the loneliness and boredom that so often comes with old age which most of the time are the reasons for all the "emergencies" and the complaining.

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Your husband is correct. It is not fair to him or you. It is time for mom to move to assisted living. She may not want to and you may want to have her in your home but it will soon become too much for your husband and yourself to handle even at your house. This is going to be difficult but you can do it. I nearly ruin my life and my health dealing with my parent's issues on a daily basis. Move mom to AL now before it gets any worse.

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I suspect that what most of us wrote is NOT what you wanted to hear. I suspect that you wanted members of the forum to give suggestions as to how you and your husband can achieve your dream of “wonderful dinners, watching movies, sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch watching deer frolicking in the pasture, and sharing memories”. I suspect that you are having trouble dealing emotionally with how much your husband complains about his daily visits to your Mom’s house, how tired both of you are and how much the reality of caring for your Mom does not match your dreams.

Many of us have had similar dreams--and many of us have followed our dreams and moved our Mom or Dad in with us. Unfortunately life does not work out like our dreams or like a fairytale. There isn't always a "happy ending." or the ending that we want. My Mom and I lived together for 10 years before life knock at our door and Mom had to go to a Long Term Care/Memory Care facility.

YOU ARE A VERY CARING AND LOVING DAUGHTER! And your dream of having your Mom live with you is wonderful—it just isn’t realistic.

We are here to offer you love and support. BUT sometimes that love and support comes in the form of “reality checks”. You have received lots of good advice and examples of what happened when we followed our dreams of having our Mom or Dad live with us. You have a lot of hard decisions to make now and in the future regarding your Mom’s care, which will most likely go against or be different than what you dream of. Please let us know what you and your husband have decided to do in regards to your Mom. {{{HUGS}}} ❀

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Oh boy does this sound familiar. Fair warning, assuming your Mom mom moves in with you she will probably continue to be needy and nit picky.

We had the same situation with my Mom. When we finally convinced her to move to AL I thought it would all end. But no, she had a constant litany of requests, demands, needs, etc about life in AL.

Most of it was probably due to boredom. I tried to be patient, she was pretty much at the mercy of other people for most of her needs, no access to transportation, stores etc without help.

I tried to be sympathetic but finally had to put my foot down and tell her I couldn’t run over to help her find that misplaced item, or get her some toothpaste, or whatever the emergency of the minute was. Mom is now in SNF with no phone and it has been sheer bliss!

So put away your peaceful dream of life on the porch.

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Tag You Are It. GET POA.. GET ON ALL HER ACCOUNTS, AND BE DONE.
POA FINANCIAL AND HEALTH..
WHO IS LENNIE? YUP TELL MOM, IF SHE DOES NOT COOPERATE, YOU WILL HAVE SOCIAL SERVICES EVALUATE HER LIVING SITUATION,....
DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU... SELL HER HOUSE, GET HER THINGS SHE NEEDS, AND FIND A PLACE 5 minute drive from you 6 PACK, BOARD, N CARE, SENIOR ASSISTED LIVING.. ;

you Know... CLOSE BUT NOT IN YOUR HOME... SHE MAY LIKE THE SOCIAL LIFE,... IF she has been alone for a long time... MICRO COMMUNITIES MAY BE TOO BIG... A 6 PACK MAY BE A BETTER CHOICE. LOOK IT UP

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Everybody is telling you the same thing. Believe them! You have been far too good and it isn't working. Old people are lonely and make these endless demands to have someone come over. There is no end to this. The more you do the more they demand. It would be better to live in an adult home where they have activities and can make new friends if they want. You can have some peace that they are safe. Meanwhile unless she is bleeding there is no need to leave work and rush her to the ER. Maybe write her checks for her once a month. She is inventing reasons to get company. When old people lose control of their lives, they seem to want to grab onto someone they can control. And she's only 88! This could go on for 10 more years.

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HI, Tybe1:
Please listen to our readers who say do not move your Mom in with you. And, stop going over to her place. If she keeps calling you for service, tell her that you're sorry, but she will have to hire her own help, including a social worker. If necessary, block her insistent phone calls to get peace, and go through her social worker instead to get you updated, with love. I knew a friend's mother who hired her own help to stay in her home until age 99 in 2018, until she died from fall complications.

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I, too, am an only child and wrestled with having my 90+ year old Mom live with us or alone in her home. Mom became "needy" at 89 years old, however, even though my husband told her she could come live with us, she wanted her independence. She lived about 3 minutes away from us, in her own home and paid for lawn care/snow removal and all was good. However, when she broke her hip, her quality of life was in jeopardy. She still wanted to live alone and for us, that worked. What worked well for us was installing the Nest camera. I had it situated in her living room and it was directed down the hallway. I could monitor when she got up in the morning, so that I didn't awake her and watch most of her movements (when I had a moment) during the day. She liked it as she felt connected and it gave me peace of mind, as I could be out in a restaurant and see what she was doing from my phone. Mom passed in December 2020, after many bad health issues, and in and out of rehab nursing home. She died in her home with hospice care and I was with her. I don't regret that she never lived in our home and she was content with the arrangement. I feel that if we had moved her in and retrofitted our home, it would have been very stressful and a constant drain on our independence and lifestyle. There are many support social service agencies that can come in a couple of times a week to check on her and offer companionship. I'd look at my local agencies for help. Good luck and God bless.

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88 year old mom doesn't want to be "a burden" to us, but she doesn't understand she causes more problems by refusing to move in with us!

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