My husband seems to be really struggling with his mom having dementia. She is so mean to him hitting him, spitting on him, throwing things at him and the cursing is unreal from her. He has to basically take care of her until I get home from work. She does go to adult daycare for a few hours each day but it is him and her after that til I get home. By the time I get home, he is so upset when I enter the house and sometimes I see her in action of hitting him or throwing things, I intervene. It upsets me to see him so upset. I try to talk to him and calm him down but it’s never easy. He is NOT abusive in any way but voices do tend to rise. He is only human and we both are trying to understand this disease. What can I do to calm him down? What can I say? Do? We have a social worker working hard to get her in a facility. This is what she really needs.
Call the EMTs, have her taken in for an involuntary psych hold (Baker Act in some states) and stand firm in your refusal to accept discharge.
Oh, and if they send her home in a cab, call 911 again and your local media.
Next time there is violence MIL is transported by EMT (this is a 911 call) to ER. The Hospital Social Worker is informed on day one that MIL constitutes a serious danger to you and cannot return to the home. It will then be one them to find placement for MIL. Do not fall for any platitudes of "We can help" or "we can make this work" or "we can get you help". They cannot and will not and these platitudes are so they can get you to allow MIL back in the home. As you are already understanding, no one will want to care for a senior with this level of acting out. Medications are difficult in providing control without sending the poor elder into a zombie like state. Their care is time consuming and next to impossible even in the best memory care.
So sorry you are going through all this and hope you will come back to update us.