Mother had a hip replacement in March (?) around then--spent 8 weeks in rehab then came home (lives in an apt with my brother's family). For the last 8 weeks or so, she has been falling, the last 2 weeks, she has fallen every single day. She has a "fallen down" alarm pendant, but it rarely works as she really just blacks out and slumps to the floor, so the alarm does not go off. She is too weak to push the panic button on her own. Last week she laid on the floor from 11 pm to 5:45 am when she regained her ability to push the alarm. She also loses bladder control when she has these episodes, and her ability to speak for a length of time. She's covered in bruises, but can't tell you how she got them. She falls only between 10 pm and 6 am...never during the day. Out of 5 siblings, only 2 of us really take care of her. I went yesterday with my hubby and we put in a bed guard rail--but she wouldn't let us install it the "correct way" because it would have meant moving a little side table she has..she completely flipped out when I showed her that to install it correctly we'd need to move this table--screamed at me and said "You have taken everything from me...I'm keeping that table"...I know at that point to walk away.
Realistically, even is she is having mini-strokes, there is nothing we can do. She is able to take care of herself.....barely. I go there 3-5 times per week, and do what I can, but I make her angry, so I usually don't stay long. She says very hurtful things to me, and yes, I know I am supposed to let the comments roll off my back, but they still hurt. I guess I am wondering if this passing out and falling down is leading to a bigger stroke, or if this is a normal part of aging. (She's 85). I don't know how my brother handles it-- she will happily use up every minute of every day he is off work, when I can step up and do some of this for her--she won't let me, b/c she doesn't like me as well. We cannot get the other sibs involved, they just don't want to be. I guess I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this blacking out and falling is something to be concerned about...or if it's just more of the aging process. Sure wish she could be nice to me.....when she passes I am going to be so exhausted and sick of her unkindness...I don't think I will even care--and I know how awful that sounds.....she can say the cruelest things to me, and I am still trying to learn how to let it go. I'm trying to clear her apt of obstructions and falling hazards and she's screaming at me that I am trying to take all her things away from her (a ratty kitchen rug, a bedskirt that trips her up, a bag of wet depends she leaves in the hallway....) I don't get her at all. I REALLY wanted to move her to AL but the other sibs all said NO WAY--well, THEY don't care for her, so it's easy for them to say. They have not seen her the day after a fall when she is incoherent and covered in fresh bruises. Just wonder how long this can go on.
Love ( well, as much as you can "love" something like that--the story of the anes. dr who wouldn't do a general.) My DIL has and will refuse patients on whatever concerns she has. She is a terrific doc and has not lost a single patient in 8 years.
I honestly do NOT think it's the meds. I get what everyone is saying. My gut feeling is that she is in the slow process of dying, following the exact same pattern of behaviors that her mother took as she went. Gigi was pretty independent, had a bad fall and broke both wrists. 6 weeks later, she's gone. She was 95 and a vibrant, active woman until that fall. Mother has not had good health, ever that I can remember. She falls and has no memory of how she got from, say the chair to the floor. She weaseled out of one dr's visit, she'll do it again if given half a chance. R did have her checked for a UTI--none found. The dr will check her more thoroughly for med interactions and maybe get a CT scan. As bad as I feel that she is continually falling, I know that sometimes people just go when it's time. I'm not going to strap her into a wheelchair, I can't be there 24/7 she refuses the idea of assisted living, she's got that "panic button"--and she gets checked on constantly at R's house. What else can we do? I have no idea if mom is afraid of falling, sometimes I think she makes it up so the absent sibs will come running with flowers and candy. Don't know. And this week, I don't have to care. I'm in time out (unless she winds up in the hospital, I don't need to even call her or go see her).
I'm a bit surprised about the general anaesthesia, too. When my mother broke her wrist nastily there was pretty much a stand-up punch-up going on behind the cubicle curtain in the ER, then a terribly young anaesthetist appeared, pink and quivering with indignation, and blurted out without preamble "I have to tell you that IN my opinion to give your mother a general anaesthetic would be tantamount to negligence!" He was straight out Charles Dickens. I just gazed at him and said "well I'm not arguing." It transpired that the orthopaedic surgeons didn't fancy trying to set the wrist with mother wide awake - open fracture, delicate sweet little old lady, you could see what they were thinking - and had tried to bully this poor little lad into knocking her out for them. Anyway, bless him, he stuck to his guns, they did a Biers block on her arm, she was a total trouper about the whole ghastly thing, and the surgeon got the wrist debrided, set, pinned, sutured and plastered in one hour and made a beautiful job of it too. So for us a very happy ending - though it still took six more months to get back to nearly normal, mind you.
However. If it had been her hip… She couldn't have had an epidural. They couldn't do a spinal block because she's on Clopidogrel. The choice, I suppose, would be between a general or bed rest for a fortnight until her platelets had got back to normal, neither of them a good bet. I really don't know what they would have advised.
Do you think part of the problem might be that your mother is becoming afraid of falling? In the immediate term that's quite a good thing, because it'll make her cautious, but obviously it's no good at all in the longer term, not for her health nor her confidence and quality of life. Poor lady. It must be depressing and frightening for her, as well as terribly stressful for you.
I ran into this during the past 5 years... I noticed if I order pills and they came from XYZ manufacturer I had no issues.... if the pills came from ABC manufacturer I ran into non-user friendly side effects.
I'm out of the loop for the week unless she has a fall that is serious, I have some personal problems I need to work on, and I'm taking the week to deal with them. Still appreciate the comments and support.
Honestly, in some sick, weird way, Mother seems to love the attention she's getting. She's been this way my whole life, why should she suddenly change in her dotage?
I understand the other point of view that maybe she just wants left alone and she is the one who does not want care, but I see on indication that she understands there could be something wrong that could be treatable and not treating it means she could die sooner, much sooner than she has to, and she still does not want it.
And BTW, R has the power to change the calling list from her panic button. My sister, who set it up, and swears she has always been 2nd on the calling list, was not even on it. R put only the people who actually live in his house on the list (4 of 5 of his kids are over 21 and certainly able to care for mother). They can always call 911. R is beginning to wear out, and he is not as in denial about Mother as I thought. So, altho he refuses to entertain the thought of an assisted living facility, he is getting sick of the manipulation. He did tell me to take a couple weeks of respite and jusy not come see her-he was going to call the non-present sibs and give them "assignments" to come see mother, clean her apt or take her to appts. They don't call or come unless something dramatic happens. I will enjoy the break.
I can't believe your sister has the gall to be angry. No one minds making useful sacrifices, but there has to be a point. What does she suppose is the point of your being rousted out in the middle of the night only to be vetoed by your brother?
I have a card I've been waiting to send someone (if I can think which of my friends won't think I'm getting at her) which quotes Gloria Kaufman thus: "a mother should be neither cocky nor proud because she knows that the school may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium." Five! I've only got three and I'm still getting over it :)
As to the other commenters: Thanks to you also. I am not going to step out of mother's life, but will greatly reduce the amount of time I spend with her. I do no understand R's denial, nor can I figure out why he will NOT allow me or anyone else to take her to the dr or an ER. Last night he was yelling at me "I will NOT see my mother in some MRSA ridden, urine stained facility in her last days"...I said "Hey, calm down, I am suggesting we have her checked for a UTI and maybe a CT scan to see what's going on. I am NOT saying drag her up the street and drop her at the front door of the nearest nursing home". On my way now to pick up the bed rails and say hi. R will be home, but he sleeps a great deal of the time. Not hoping to interact with him today. I doubt, BTW, he is thinking of an inheritance..there isn't anything to inherit. Our oldest brother (deceased) pretty much sweet talked mother out of most of her liquid savings over the years.....she has a small SS pension and that's it. I can't see that R would want her to die sooner rather than later. I just want what we all want--for her to be happy and independent--but the independent part if gone now. We just need to work together to help her be happy. (CountryMouse--my hair is mostly white now--I raised 5 kids before I had to raise mother)
Big hug. What I wish for is that you will soon be able to enjoy spending what time remains to her with your mother, instead of its turning your hair white. Best of luck.
I came upstairs and told my hubby about the call. He blew up. (This is a man you CANNOT get riled up) He said "you get yourself OFF that calling list and step AWAY from your mother's care. It's killing you. If you won't do it, I will do it against your will, for your own good". whoa----so I am doing that. and this am I am retrieving the bedrails and walking away from it all. I will still visit mother, but I cannot fight R, I cannot fight my mother and I cannot fight the 3 other sibs who do not care what is going on.
However, I very likely will call APS and report the situation. Mother is going to die, and sooner rather than later, I know that, but I want to see her have a better quality of care until that happens. Thanks all for the wonderful answers and support--I do feel so very alone in this.
My advice step back. Allow your mom the dignity of running her own life. Sometimes are parents are nasty, because that is the only way they can get us to back off. Trust her judgement. You and she can just relax and enjoy each other.
This isn't about bedrails. It's about denial and failure to protect a vulnerable person, whether she is nasty because of depression or misjudgement or because she's been nasty lifelong does not matter as much as the simple facts. She is living alone with an alert button she cannot and does not use, and under those circumstnaces probably should not be. There is no guarantee APS will do the right thing, but you will have done the right thing by making the call. I'm sorry you and hubby are the only rational ones in the family who can see this is no good, it is a heavy burden to shoulder, at the risk of alienating siblings to boot...
Well. You could go over her head. Take pictures, take them to her doctor, outline the living situation and recent history, etc. etc. But to be honest you'd just be covering your you-know-what. Because, whereas one would normally agree that your brother is being an ostrich and the other sibs - well, goodness knows what they're thinking - your brother has an unusually good case for not taking this further. Also, it sounds as if you've no questions about your mother's capacity? So even if you did appeal to higher authorities, if she's competent and she says no… everyone's on a hiding to nothing.
What DOES R say, besides referring to the living will I mean? If she's keeling over for no obvious reason it sounds like a blood pressure issue, wouldn't you think? Is that side of things under control? But rather than some herbert on the internet (i.e. me) guessing, I'm sure you'd rather just get her checked over: and I don't believe R can justify withholding *all* medical treatment on the basis that she doesn't want heroics. It's not the same thing. As you say.
Meanwhile, at least it won't be you with the broken hip. I can't think of anything else very comforting to say, I'm afraid. No teeth grinding! - you'll make your migraine worse. Best of luck, hope you get somewhere.
My mil ignored warnings to stop smoking (she had copd) and when my husband would visit and try to reason with her over this, she would threaten to report him to APS. She chose her youngest to be POA, someone she exerted total control over. So that when she decided to starve herself to death after open heart surgery, he said "fine, okay, this is what mom wants". People who are competent make choices. We don't have to kill ourselves "fixing" these things.