My Mother (84, but otherwise in good health) is living with me, with the plan for her to age at home. It's nothing new for Mom to use "the silent treatment" when she's unhappy with me, and at times close her bedroom door where I don't intrude - dinner meals are always prepared, whether she eats with me or not. Things have since escalated, and she notified me she hasn't eaten in 3 days, with the intention of starving herself to death. The triggering event was telling her it's time for a deep cleaning of her room (my job, as it's my house and I'm the caregiver). My Mom is a hoarder, and the situation that developed when she lived with my brother and sister-in-law was horrendous. I was distraught because of the conflict/stress my family had to deal with, including the unsafe, unsanitary situation that from outward appearances looked like an open and shut case of elder neglect (it WAS NOT - Mom absolutely resisted all efforts to clean/de-hoard, by myself and others).
When I intervened on the family's behalf, Mom ran away with an out of state niece, who deposited her in a small home by herself, then left the state. Several months, and $10,000 later due to this misadventure, I did a "Mom Rescue", and brought her to live with me, by mutual agreement.
Well, my turn - I know what I signed up for, and that I would NOT allow the squalor to take root in MY house, and that I would need to set boundaries. So, here we are again - the Hoarding Playbook.
I lost my husband to suicide - Needless to say, my Mom threatening suicide is something I take very seriously. My current option is to contact her primary care physician and arrange for help, and to get this situation documented. My mom betrayed her family before, and to be honest I need to protect myself from any possible exposure to charges of elder neglect.
Any and all advice, observations, similar experiences shared is most welcome!!!
Choices have consequences - and as she cannot live independently, her choices are limited to the ones that are also workable for you, her primary caregiver who has taken her into your home when the situation with niece failed.
Threatening suicide in order to get her way does need a professional response - call 911. She may absolutely deny everything and paint you as the 'evil daughter", to save herself from the embarrassment she experiences.
Hoarding stuff and refusing to allow cleaning (lots of excuses that are valid reasons to her in her disorder - "I know where everything is, right now!" etc.)
These 2 behaviors indicate that she needs 24 hour care and supervision. You have done your best.
911/APS/geriatric mental health inpatient treatment can all help provide safety and establish a treatment plan.
Residence in memory care or residential care at a nursing home provides ongoing 24 hour care and supervision. She won't like it. It won't be like your house. She forfeited her right to remain with you.
Then you can go to visit her and be her daughter at her new location, not her caregiver and target of emotional abuse.
Take care of yourself, perhaps a counselor can help you talk out some of the issues and relieve your distress.
As to the hoarding disorder...I'm not "poking the bear" right now, instead relying that professional help will be a game changer, including guidance for ME on how to deal with this on an ongoing basis. Mom has a healthy appetite, and so far so good with compliance with her new meds, and not pushing back on the cognitive assessment.
Again, thanks to all and will post noteworthy updates!