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I did all the work here and got nothing for my time and energy. That is because mother gave money to the other family members who did nothing and there was nothing left for me.
After six years I had enough.
I just explain to her that from now on, you have the money either you pay me, pay someone else get one of your useless family members to finally contribute to the upkeep or it does not get done.
Be firm but polite and do not back down. She is your mother, she is expected to be respectful towards you.
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Talk to your brother because you two need to be on the same page. Your brother and you need to let her know that you'll be glad to visit, but you'll no longer do chores. Stand your ground; she'll balk right now, but she'll get used to it. Your mom needs to pay for all the help you need. PERIOD! - You may have to tell her that "maybe the house is too much for her to handle and you'll be glad to help her find an apartment or an assisted living" -
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Save yourself for real problems. Hire the handyman you are no doubt blessed to have in your life and pay him out of mothers funds.

Action:
Mom. Who paid for it?

You. You did. It’s $100 for the handyman. It’s $2000 to take the trees down.

Mom: Take the trees down!! Why would I take the trees down?

You: To save time. I don’t have time to have this conversation again.
(No laughing while you deliver this line. Chore monkeys are not allowed to laugh)

Pick up your purse and keys and exit.

Next problem.
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Let her get angry. You shouldn’t be doing anything except for light chores and only if you want to. She obviously doesn’t care about your health and is selfish. Don’t let her guilt you. If she gets angry, don’t speak to her until she gets over her fit.
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BurntCaregiver May 2021
Well said, Suetillman.

Ignore with love. That's they way to do it. Ignore her until she gets over her tantrum and becomes reasonable again.
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Imho, my own late mother was of the mindset that it would cost $10 for the leaves in her entire yard to be raked. I used to say to her "In what decade did you think it would cost $10?" Moral of the story is that the elder wants to pinch pennies (think Depression Era mindset). $100 for the handyman is a real bargain - go with that.
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MichelleWTX99 Jun 2021
LOL Wow, I thought it was just my mom. I appreciate the frustration of the OP, but also it is a relief for me. My mother insists she will not pay for a new television antenna despite her current one having one ear broken and she keeps putting it on the floor in her small room to get reception...which I then keep tripping over or stepping on. It is not safe.

Also seems most things she needs for safety or hygiene she gets upset that I buy them out of HER money. Such as bibs to protect her clothes because she has a lot of spills when eating and commode liners to keep down the smell and facilitate cleanup of the bedside commode. She even told me she "didn't need" a walker tray to put her plate and other items on when she is seated, but I bought it anyway and she uses it everyday. She never once said thank you or that it was a good purchase. *shrug*
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I think as tough as it may be you have to state the new rules: You cannot and will not do these things because of your situation - end of story. Tell her someone will be hired and they will be paid accordingly as the work must be done. Let her rant and rave - do what you have to do and just ignore her and continue to hire people but warn them ahead of time they report to you and to you alone. Good luck. And tell her your brother can't and won't help so she has to put up with hired help. Stand your ground and be tough.
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i would tell her your brother took care of it and leave it at that. When I took care of both parents who both had dimentia I always used my brother who lived 10 hours away as a foil. I would blame my brother for anything they didn’t like and it was best they were mad at him since he wasn’t around. My brother was in on the plan and was happy to take the stress away from me. They never confronted him and actually moved on very quickly. If your brother agrees, do it!!!! God bless you for taking care of your mother.
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Tell her brother feels bad about not being there more often so he offered to pay for all maintenance around the house. (Get bro on board before hand so he knows what's going on). He prefers that she save her money to pay for medical needs and in home help to be sure she's safe.

You, on the other hand, need to have a pretty bad back ache or other pain in the presence of your mom - can't do this today because my back still acting up and from what the dr said, it might not get better if I climb a ladder, lift something, etc. Your ache is going to have to be around long enough for her to get used to other 'paid' people are doing her chores.
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I’m in somewhat the same boat although my mother does not have dementia. My mother needs care and help and to get well and the first thing she wants to do is get her entire house remodeled and redone. Of course she wants me to get this process started. I said no. I asked her what is the reason that she wants to spend money on her home instead of her immediate needs e.g. care and getting well, and she really didn’t have an answer because her ‘immediate needs’ was standing right in front of her. I no longer ask my mother the easy yes or no answers, i have to ask her what she thinks the answer or solution is to the particular problem. “How do you see this getting done,” I ask. For me it sends a clear message that says, “Not by me.” Strange dance we all have to do now.

Doing this kind of work is ridiculous. They get so bent out of shape over a blade of grass or a drooping tree branch that could literally be taken care of in ten minutes for 100 bucks, BY SOMEONE ELSE. Your health is not worth “make my yard look nice and I don’t want to pay for it so it’s all you.” No way.
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This is such a common issue for the elderly. My mom didn’t want to part with money either. They never forgot the depression era. Oh gosh. I remember my great aunts hiding money in bedposts. I wonder how much money is found in elderly people’s homes after they die. They didn’t trust banks and stashed money in their secret spots in their homes.
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Llamalover47 Jun 2021
Need: Oh, yes. My mother saved tiny slivers of soap.
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MajorLeague: " I no longer ask my mother the easy yes or no answers, I have to ask her what she thinks the answer or solution is to the particular problem. 'How do you see this getting done,' I ask. For me it sends a clear message that says, 'Not by me.'"

What a great idea! Thinking back, I didn't do this. I might ignore the demand, and actually often my mother did forget about it. But eventually (sometimes very soon) she was back at it, making a ridiculous demand. But for some people who assume that the child will do it all, it will force them to come right out and say, "YOU do it!" And some that expect the child to offer will find it uncomfortable to get to the point of demanding it from the child.
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