My Mother has always been passive aggressive . And had a fearful respect of men. My Father had been abusive in the past. Anyway my question is why does my Mother yell and get abusive to me and not my Brother. When I tell him of these outbursts he turns it on me. He will say I have no problem with her! Just what is going on when you are over there! Once we got into an argument and he called me names and accused me of abusing my Mom and he was going to call someone about it! Please help! It happened again tonite and I don't think I can take much more.
What you describe, though, sometimes happens even without the dementia. Why is a parent abusive to one child only ... and often to the child most deserving of unconditional acceptance! Maybe because they know they are "safe" with that child. They can let it all hang out and that child isn't going to abandon them. In your case, maybe it is just because your sibling is male.
Is there a time of day when this problem is worst? Perhaps late aftenoon/early evening? Could Brother take that shift?
It is really too awful that in addition to Mother abusing you, Brother accuses you also. From his perspective, he doesn't see her bad side and just doesn't understand that this is her problem -- not something you are doing. There are other posts here of exactly the same situation -- one person, ususally the primary caregiver -- getting the brunt of the parents bad behavior, while the other children can do no wrong in their eyes. Do you think it would help your Brother understand if you printed out some of these posts, showing that it happens in other families, too?
Can you leave the room while Mother is having an outburst? "I'm not going to tolerate this behavior. I'll be back in a few minutes when you are calmer." This behavior is the disease acting, not your mother. It is not her fault. But nevertheless, you do not need to accept abuse. You have to find a way to remove yourself from the outbursts, or find someone else to take care of Mother.
My heart goes out to you! (This is the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished syndrome!)