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I had my father living with me because he had several cancers and was starting with dementia a bit. I was out of work and handled everything with hospice and hired caretakers for my dad. I can't tell you how sad it is to hear you defending the caretakers over your mom or dad. Everyday almost I had them leave and asked for diff caretakers. I saw them sit and watch tv, play games on their cell phones, take calls and text all day. They are their lunch before feeding my father. They didn't even sit with him. I even had One Who came and showered first wouldn't stay in room with my dad overnight and even emptied her luggage and washed all her clothes after I specially told her not to touch my washer or dryer. They are not as nice and sweet as you say. To your face yes to your father or mother NO. Just because your parents are older doesn't mean there wrong or stupid . I agree with other posts to get his doctor involved because nutrition is VERY important and if he's not eating or drinking alot because he's sleeping that's nor good. Also being bed bound causes bed sores and sitting in pee or stool will cause him.more infections and sores. He shouldn't be left because there afraid of being yelled at waking him. Either you get people who are used to handling dementia patients or he will need to be admitted where he can get proper care. Your mom is dealing with alot too its her husband lying there, shes used to taking care of him. Step back and try to see things from her side too. She needs your love and sympathy right now not defending strangers who aren't all that honest and great when your not there. Family is first.
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Thank you for your insight stressed32. My father's care was suddenly thrust in my lap several months ago. I held a full-time job and I had to find someone to care for him. I felt I was in well over my head because my father had behavioral issues that were difficult to manage. At times I felt threatened. He is now bedridden but still very strong. He has punched me in the face while I tried to change him. He fights like a bear at times. I do not think I am taking the caregivers side over my parents because I know what the caregivers do and it is not easy. I have had my share of caregivers but these two ladies are head and shoulders above the rest. My father has a bath lady who comes in three times a week as well. I am at home now and I can observe what goes on and how the caregivers interact with my parents. I think they are very polite and attend to their needs.
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I had a similar experience as Stressed32. I used to be a manager of a securities research team in my younger days and the people who worked on my team always told my boss how much they liked my being their manager. I never asked much of them, yet they always did so much more than they had to. So I was appalled at the quality of caregivers when I found out.

I have had caregivers tell me how much they care about the patient even when they only just met the patient. Clearly, they aren't being truthful. I have had caregivers try to watch TV or be on their phones most of the time. I have had caregivers try to feed the patient Boost or Ensure, processed drinks that are basically made of pro-inflammatory refined sugars, pro-inflammatory vegetable oils, and a vitamin/mineral pill. I even had one caregiver tell me that she had one patient survive 10 years consuming only Boost. I thought, "In spite of consuming Boost." These drinks are harmful to health, especially the elderly who often times have diabetes. If the elderly can't consume solid food, then they should be fed things such as homemade bone broths and green vegetable smoothies, not sugared junk.

Yes, the elderly can be stubborn. When I was hospitalized not that long ago, I was put on a ward that had a few elderly. They were VERY difficult. The woman next to me would refuse to be changed. She would try to hit and bite the nurses. One women down the hall peed all other herself when she first came. She screamed constantly for days. There was always at least one nurse with her. I was told that she wasn't in pain, that she was confused and didn't understand where she was. We lived with the noise because we understood.

They only way to fix the situation is to look around for a good agency, establish rules, and fire the ones who don't follow the rules.

Sad to say. It doesn't sound like your parents have that much longer to live. Try to make the best of it.
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I can completely relate. I believe that your mother also has dementia by her actions and it also might be her personality. I have suffered tremendously because of my mother's rudeness to others and myself and her NPD. Actually, I would call her actions and words vicious and hateful. I have been the primary caregiver for her and she turned against me last year and lied to my 3 younger siblings about God only knows what that caused them to hire attorneys against me as CoTrustee, P.O.A., and Health Care Protector. It has been absolutely devastating and heart breaking for me. I caution you to protect yourself if you have other siblings who have not been involved and make an appearance every so often but do not want to help. My mother has made my life a living Hell and because of her I have felt like I am having a nervous breakdown not to mention the physical problems I am experiencing. Everyone around me keeps warning me to take care of myself because my mother's insanity will make me sick and so it has. Be so careful to protect yourself. It is absolutely imperative for your own well being. (My dad died over 5 years ago and myself and twin sister have and had been taking care of our parents in many, many ways for decades while the other 3 siblings were living their lives to the fullest.) I wish you the best. Remember, you must take care of yourself!
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Subduedjoy, I've read your dissertation against nutritional drinks in the past. I absolutely do not agree. Nutritional drinks keep a lot of elderly alive. My mom would have died years ago without them. For many elderly that do not want to eat, many will drink nutritional drinks. For someone who doesn't eat a lot of volume, you need to maximize the amount of calories that they can get in that limited volume, "bone broths and green vegetable smoothies" just won't do it. It's all about the calories at that point. Every doctor that has seen my mom has suggested I give her nutritional drinks. I tell them I already do. I was talking with one of the hospital RNs and she totally got the situation. She said her mom is the same and will only drink nutritional drinks and eat peanut butter.

Nutritional drinks are not harmful to health. While they are not the best thing for a healthy younger adult, they are basically expensive sugar milk afterall. For a elderly person who can't or won't eat enough, they are a lifesaver. In that case, "bone broths and green vegetable smoothies" is the fast lane to starvation.
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You cannot control the emotion or personality or dementia manifestations of your mom. You can try to talk to her although the key is talking to the care providers and telling them how to handle the interactions. They can set their boundaries with your mom with your support/input. And, the caregiver(s) may not want to deal with this and may leave. I find that my client changes (although it is a continual need to bring to her attention) her tune when she feels needy and/or feels no one will be there to care for her. If you mom can associate her behavior/verbal abuse/patterns with not getting the care (provider) she needs, she may start to interact different. Ultimately, it is up to the caregiver in how they respond - I give time outs - from 5-10-30 minutes to 1-2 hours or leave for the day. Of course, you need to discuss this 'time out' strategy with the care providers so everyone is on the same page. Gena
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Doctors are not nutritionists. Try gummy vitamins. There is just as much nutrition in about six gummy vitamins as there are in a day's worth of "nutritional" sugared drinks. The elderly are not running marathons. They don't need so much sugar.

And, yes, refined sugars are very harmful to the health. Ensure contains maltodextrin, which can have the highest glycemic index among all the sweeteners. Two and a half weeks of consuming maltodextrin gave me systemic inflammation in my muscles, tendons, joints, right eye, and kidneys. I ended up being housebound/bedridden for six months. I could not lift my right arm. I could not move my neck. I felt like I was walking on stones. If I hadn't figured it out in time, I'd be dead. That was from January to June of 2017. Once the inflammation past, I started training for a triathlon. I completed my first triathlon in November 2017. I don't consume any refined sugars. I don't consume starchy vegetables, and I can do a triathlon. The elderly simply don't need that much sugar. If you want to give them calories than add coconut oil or avocado oil to the drinks. These oils are healthy fats that will help with cognitive issues. If they can consume solid foods, then small, fatty fish is very high in omega-3s and very beneficial to the brain.

sugar-and-sweetener-guide.com/glycemic-index-for-sweeteners.html
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Doctors are doctors. Nutritionists are nutritionists. While some doctors may also be nutritionists. Not all nutritionists are doctors. Even so, they would disagree with you when it comes to the target demographic for adult nutritional drinks.

"Undernutrition is a risk factor for increased mortality in older adults. Therapeutic intervention includes the administration of liquid dietary supplements."

academic.oup.com/ajcn/article/75/5/944/4689411

Once again, you are talking about otherwise healthy adults. For someone who is not eating enough and can't or refuses to, nutritional drinks are the difference between life and death. While you personal experience might apply to you, if you aren't a elderly person who refuses to/can't eat and weighs 75 pounds, then it surely doesn't apply to them. In their case, starvation is the problem.

nps.org.au/australian-prescriber/articles/malnutrition-and-nutritional-supplements
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24154647
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I have Ulcerative Colitis, which is an autoimmune, digestive disease. Because of this disease, I've been studying nutrition and am even certified. My last severe colon flareup lasted one year. I was bleeding like I had a heavy period every day, I had to go to the bathroom more than 20-30 times a day, I was throwing up practically everything I ate, and I was housebound and bedridden. I didn't even have the energy to brush my teeth or my hair.

I was hospitalized three times during that flareup, each time for two weeks. I would have been hospitalized even longer, but doctors don't want people with Ulcerative Colitis in the hospital because we are on immune suppressants to shut down our immunity so our bodies will stop attacking themselves. So our doctors send us home as soon as our condition stabilizes even if we are still in extreme pain. They don't want us to pick up a virus in the hospital, which could end up being life-threatening.

There was a point in which my colon was so swollen that I was hooked up to an IV in the hospital for a week not consuming anything and I was down to 90 pounds (I'm 5'7"). I was extremely dehydrated and malnourished. During that flareup, I had one blood transfusion, six iron IVs, countless potassium IVs, countless magnesium IVs, tons of fluid IVs, Remicade infusions, oral 6MP, steroid IVs, oral steroids, rectal steroids, oral 5-ASAs, rectal 5-ASAs, pain killers, immunizations to protect against viruses, ... I also had a silent heart attack sometime during that flareup due to not having enough water and electrolytes, which were not being absorbed by the colon. So, yes, I know a lot about under-nutrition.

After my last hospital stay, one of my GI's (gastroenterologists) recommended Ensure. I looked it up and checked the ingredients and saw the high amount of sugar and processed ingredients that Ensure contained. When I told my GI about the maltodextrin, she was shocked. Maltodextrin is pro-inflammatory, I have an inflammatory disease, and she was recommending Ensure. She told me that she didn't know because she hadn't read the ingredients. Ensure was being marketed to them [her and her fellow doctors] as a "nutrition" drink for people who are malnourished. That's why she recommended it.

BTW, maltodextrin is put into sports drinks because it is so quickly absorbed into the blood stream. That's what it means to have a high glycemic index. And this is what makes maltodextrin so harmful, especially to those who suffer from inflammatory diseases and diabetes.

I switched from the Low FodMap Diet (for gastrointestinal issues) to the Autoimmune Paleo Diet (for autoimmune diseases) and Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) (for digestive diseases) and gradually got better. I consumed homemade bone broths and then homemade bone broth soups containing meat (such as ox tail and chicken) with bones and veggies such as carrots and cabbage. Ox tail is quite fatty. It contains calories. As I got better, I added homemade coconut smoothies, which are made from coconut cream, bananas, and berries. Plenty of calories. I then added bananas with homemade macadamia nut butter. Again, plenty of calories. Later, I added homemade avocado dip with homemade carrot chips. Again, plenty of calories.

The last flareup I had, the extra-intestinal, systemic one (muscles, tendons, joints, right eye, and kidneys), I got from consuming maltodextrin. I had a slight cold and was chewing herbal cough drops--the ones that have a picture of herbs on the package. Starch sugar and sugar are listed as inactive ingredients. I assumed that meant less ingredients. Not. It turned out that more than 99% of the cough drops were starch sugar from corn (maltodextrin) and sugar. I know this because I contacted the company after I found out the pain I had was due to inflammation.

Almost all chronic disease today is due to SAD, the Standard American Diet--a diet high in sugar and processed ingredients, and the lack of exercise. Ensure is a processed, sugared drink with added vitamins/minerals. It's convenient. It's not healthy. For the life of me, I can't understand how anyone can think refined sugar would be healthy.
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