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Thank you all for your insightful comments. BarbBrooklyn, you hit the nail on the head about the "lazy" part. Before the illness, my mother was my father's caregiver. She would wake him up all the time to eat. She would call and call and he would not answer her until he finally yelled but eventually came to eat. But now he is bedridden and we have caregivers that help both of them. Mother also complains that the caregivers sit and look at their phones during the day. They do this when parents are resting or napping. So yes, she may think that they are lazy. I, on the other hand, find the caregivers upbeat and attend to their needs.
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It is hard to really know what relationship your mom has with caregivers. My dad complains about his caregivers and says he told them blah blah blah, so me thinking i better do some public relations find out that all is well, other than him complaining about me all the time. I know why my dad does that and i know he justs likes to be in control so that is one of his methods.
I agree with above posts, check in with caregivers and get the doctor on board to help dad get rest and the right to wake up happy instead of ole grouchy head.
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I have the sneaking suspicion that "mother" feels that the caregiver is being "lazy" by not awakening your father. And I was seriously asking if mom has cognitive issues; is she perhaps not "getting" the big picture of your dad's dementia?
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I agree. And if the doctor is a sensitive diplomatic type, he might even make up a Daily Schedule, all formal-looking, for your father which can then be pinned to the door.

Then there is how to deal with the anxiety and dissatisfaction your mother seems to be feeling about your father's condition. Perhaps she can't quite shake off the feeling that if he really tried he'd be doing better than he currently is? Perhaps it's that she can't help suspecting that if she were in charge he'd get up when he was told? Perhaps she's afraid of the "slippery slope"?

I also agree that actually the key thing is how the caregivers are handling her crossness. I know it's hard not to feel responsible for your mother's behaviour towards the weekdays lady, but it may be that she's a lot less bothered by it than you are? Don't forget, if she's a veteran of caregiving, she's almost certainly dealt with a lot worse than anything your mother says.
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I would get dad's doctor involved. I was brought up with the dictum "every hour a man sleeps, he lives another day" ( it sounded better in Italian). I think that goes double for dementia patients.
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Thank you for your comments. Yes, I am home during the day (just retired) and see what goes on with my parents care. My mother will speak to me in her language in front of the caregiver. I respond to her in English. My mother wants the caregiver to wake my father up so he can eat and be changed. When my father is woken up he can be very belligerent. My mother will prod the caregiver to wake him up and she will do so. The nurse had spoken to my mother about not waking him up and it worked for a while. After a few days she is back to telling the caregiver to wake him up.
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Does mom have any cognitive issues?

Why does she think you dad should be waked up?
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Your mom is in an extremely stressful situation. I think you could cut her a little slack. BUT when she starts to treat you as a child, remove yourself. "Mother, that is rude. I'll come back later and perhaps then we can speak as adults."

If she is willing to be rude to you, her daughter, it is not hard to imagine her being rude to the hired help. I like Tothill's suggestion for talking to the caregivers directly.

The nurse has said let Dad sleep. Is there a doctor involved. Would that position have more authority with mother? The real goal her is Dad's welfare and comfort, right?
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Are you there when the care givers are there? Do you see your mother being rude to them?

It may be that she complains to you about them, but not directly to the care giver.

Me, I tend to be direct, I would all the care giver up and say Mum is grumbling and as she tends to be disagreeable, you want to make sure the care giver is being treated well while she is in the home. Be sure to reinforce how much you appreciate the care she is providing to your parents and ask her to contact you with any concerns she may have.
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