Ok so I will say first thing, I have Medical Power of Attorney for my Mom, and she lives with me and I am her caregiver. She was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, Parkinson's Disease, and has had 3 strokes. She requires assistance with all daily activities, is seriously impaired. We have had multiple falls, and they are increasing. She has reached a point where I am not enough to keep her safe, and my own health is now suffering as well. I need to get her into long term care as soon as possible, and even have a facility picked out and luckily have a niece by marriage that is in social services at the facility. The problem is my siblings and I want to get our ducks in a row before talking to Mom. We do not want to cause undue stress and fear for an extended period of time. She is easily upset and agitated and it sends her into a decline. I tried to get an appointment either in person or phone to speak to her doctor alone and tell her all of her many symptoms I am now dealing with and to get an order hopefully for the facility. The doctor had her nurse call and refuse me and said without guardianship not just medical power of attorney she can't lawfully see me or talk to me alone. I thought that medical power of attorney was for those very things, that the person with medical POA had say over medical treatment and could talk to the doctors? She told the nurse to tell me if I am thinking of long term care to contact social services at whichever facility I want. So my niece at the facility faxed info to the doctor telling her of Mom's condition of decline and our concerns, asking doctor what is needed and requesting a medical order, medications list, etc, etc. That was last week still no word to me or the facility as of yet. Afraid the doctor is going to refuse that too. I feel like I am hitting a brick wall. Hate to call the doctor's office, I felt like I was being talked down to with this disapproving tone that I am doing this without Mom present. I am just trying to get things moving without stressing her too bad. She is very emotional and I do not want to set off a really bad decline, or her to have terrible emotional fits that upsets the entire household for days or weeks with nothing definitive set in motion.
I am now I n the process of finding a Memory Care place for Mom and have talked to 6 facilities this week, none has mentioned needing a dr's order for placement. Each wants to do an assessment of Mom's metal and physical status to determine the best placement for her. They will talk to the current staff and/or doctor as needed, and interview Mom.
I suggest talking with the facility director to find out what they need to place your parent. Also your state's Department on Aging. That doctor sounds like a jerk!
This document consists of the person's level of care needed and diagnosis. We don't decide what level of care our loved one needs. js
Your physician is your MIL’s doctor, not yours. POA gives you the ability to make decisions if they cannot. Maybe call the doctor’s office and ask for evaluations to get the documentation you need.
We did go to an elder care attorney to find out what we needed to do. It is different in every state. He helped us through the process. The bill was paid through my Dad’s account so we did not have to pay.
I don’t think anything prepared us for how difficult it is when the parent doesn’t understand what is happening. My Dad is still mad at us, but he is where he needs to be. None of us could handle him.
Some of these dr's are scared they are going to assist in putting someone away against their will and get sued. It's ridiculous...if he knows your mothers medical condition, then he knows she can't be managed by someone at home.
There are some great facilities out there. Do your due diligence and check several out and find the perfect fit for mom.
Take care.
Thats probably why the doctor isn’t talking .. you don’t have POA .
Good Luck
We have had POAs in place a long long time. Despite that, EC atty told us we couldn't force mom to move - she was adamant that she wouldn't move, esp not to AL and that she was fine, independent and could cook. She wasn't and couldn't. POAs allow you to step in for someone else, to sign documents, make financial and/or medical decisions according to the person's wishes. Unfortunately they are not enough to force a move, per our EC atty. He said we would need to get guardianship, but the place we chose wouldn't accept committals, so guardianship would be time consuming, expensive and useless to us!
We moved forward with plans anyway. Made deposit and arrangements for when the MC unit was up and running (rebuilt facility, MC was the last unit to open in IL/AL/MC.) I left it to my brothers to do the actual move (I did MOST of everything else, and wanted to keep the blame off me if possible!), but they really didn't have a plan. I made suggestions, but was ignored. Days before the planned move, she injured her leg and developed a serious infection. It delayed the move a few days, so YB used the time and incident to draft a phony letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital, which stated she either moves to a place we choose, or they would place her. She was mad as all hell, but she went with them.
We had NO doctor Dx, NO doctor letter, nothing. Facility staff had seen her and knew her condition (YB kept insisting AL, but they said no, MC, so they could tell.) They said to just get her there, they would take it from there, which is what we did.
So, in your case, if you think she needs a NH (doesn't sound like she needs specialized nursing care yet), either push back harder with the doc, or try the neurologist. If MC would be enough, check with the place you have chosen. Do they really need doctor orders? If not, YOU sign everything as DPOA and find a way to get her there (going out to lunch, visiting someone, etc, any fib that would get her to go with you.
Another option is to get an outside assessment. When we tried hiring aides to keep mom in her condo longer, they sent a nurse who did a FULL test in mom's condo with YB and me present. Medicare covers the cost for this. She even came a few more times, due to UTI during this "transition" and her services were covered by Medicare. We did NOT use the results of this test to make the move.
Obviously it is hard on everyone to make this move. You feel guilty for "giving up." They might be angry for a while if you make them move. Honestly, I don't think ANYONE with dementia is going to ever agree that it's time to move. We have to make that decision and somehow make it happen. Sometimes everyone involved works as a team and it can go fairly smoothly. Other times you have docs like your mother's, who just don't get it!
BTW, mom's doc at the time promised a letter I needed to become rep for her federal pension. Federal entities do NOT accept POAs (SS, Medicare, VA, IRS, etc.) They all have their own forms and process. NINE months later, despite MANY phone calls and portal postings, giving them copies of what was needed and why, plus multiple POA copies, some before the appt, some after, I still had no letter. Office staff was the problem. The move was going to require a change in docs, so I made arrangements with the new doctor and eventually (took almost 2 years and 2 letters!) I was able to be approved! SS rep payee was a snap in comparison!
So, you aren't alone when it comes to doctors not being helpful or receptive. If you can, find a way around her.