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My step dad died last year, he wanted to be buried in California however he didn't plan for all of the expenses which was near 25k. He and my mom lived in Florida - my husband and I live in California. We had to pack up their house, sell everything and move my frail 80 year old mom to live with us. We cremated him and shipped him home via fedex (that sounds callous) but that was the only way to do it. We had a memorial for him 4 months later. Funerals are for the living, to remember those who passed. If your mom wanted a big funeral, she should have planned and paid for it. my two cents.
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I like LFCare's answer. However, we are too far from a teaching hospital for the transportation of the body there to be affordable. Mthr always wanted to be donated to science, but this was just not happening. It turns out there are actually body donation places that will provide transportation for the body, have it used for science, and they will return the cremated remains - everything is paid for! So you can have a memorial service (much cheaper!) and go to dinner together, and then have the burial of the cremains at the national cemetery or just scatter them. It's that easy.
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Bella7 Oct 2019
ScienceCare is what my mom chose for herself, I have done the same
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In a rush so can't read the other responses but here's my two cents: First of all if your mother has some dementia then it may be impacting her ability to think clearly re what kind of funeral she wants vs the reality of what funds are available. It's unfortunate but she may have to accept that hers may be very basic.
Our town has a Memorial Society. See if yours does. A local well-regarded funeral home may be able to direct you to that. They may also be able to advise you on any other resources for those of low income. I have been doing social work a very long time and this doesn't come up too often...I imagine families chip in and find a way...but there is something in place I think for those who have no financial resources and you might want to check in with your local area agency on aging/city hall. It's very fuzzy but I think the city and/or funeral directors all contribute/take turns to make it happen. It certainly would be basic but it would be a burial as opposed to cremation I would hope.
Another resource may be your local hospice program. The good thing is they may be able to help in other ways when the time is right and you have time to research this.
Don't cry...because you know, you aren't the first people to deal with this. And as costs have gone up it is a burden too many of us will also have to face. You are brave for speaking about it and facing it. Hugs.
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Does your mother have a life insurance policy? Funeral homes will allow you to pay them once you obtain the settlement.
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First of all, you do NOT need to spend $8,000 for a funeral !! My daughter works for a funeral home and you can certainly have a funeral for a much, much lower cost. If needed, you can even order a less expensive casket on-line. Please do NOT feel guilted into something expensive... and I personally would never want my mother or myself desecrated into donating a body to science or burned, but that is MY feelings. I want a very simple casket ("the old pine box") for myself, already have a stone and gravesite beside my husband who passed away many years ago. Your mother has the VA site, so you should be able to hold a very simple and inexpensive funeral. And if actually holding a funeral is too much, just a simple burial and then a quiet evening out with friends or if you want to be alone, do something special for yourself at home with candles, flowers, and music, maybe watch a movie that was special to you both, or read a book. You are important and remember all the time you give your mother while she is living, that is how you show your love for your mother. My mother is the same age; I feel for you and wish you the very best. Sending you a hug!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Sweet and true answer. Tons of people spend so much on funerals. Fine if that’s what they want and can afford it. Otherwise, it’s silly to spend that much.
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She's not going to get an $8000 funeral. I like the advice saying you should tell your mother her funeral "will be taken care of." Even if you choose donation or cremation, you are taking care of arrangements. Your mother won't be there to complain, and she can't complain anyway, since she did not put aside that money herself.
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We had a simple church service and I'm thankful my mom had left money to cover the cost. The best part? We put a bag of Dove Dark chocolate in with her. Everyone said, "Yep, that's Freda (we had the same name) for you. She always said she'd be eating candy in Heaven." :-)
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You are doing your best to care for her while she is alive. This is most important. Don't worry too much about her funeral. Do what you can. Don't feel guilty. You are the responsible one! If it's a small cremation casket that you bury in your father's plot, at least they will be together.
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Live within your means and die within your means as well.  Sorry if it sounds callous, but if there is not money for a grand funeral, there is not money...period.   Cremation alone is still two to three thousand dollars where I live and to intern cremated remains is still a cost of at least five hundred here locally.  Caskets start at two thousand.  Yes, this is all highway robbery, but what are you going to do.  If there is no money, then you have very limited options.   One of my friends just now, three years later finally saved enough money for a gravestone for his mother.   Honestly, I would not even go into conversation with her about it.  You can only do what you can do and there is no reason to upset her, just say ok but know when the time comes, you will not be able to afford her request.
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I buried my husband 19 months ago. I was fortunate, he wanted to be cremated.
I am wondering why you would feel guilty if you have to have her cremated. When a person dies the body goes through oxidation. Burial is a slow form and cremation is a rapid form. You are under obligation to pay for a funeral you cannot afford. She will not be her to know what kind of funeral you are doing. And in this case guilt is one of the useless emotions there is. My husbands arrangements were $2000 total. We did not have him embalmed, We did not use the funeral cars, the hearse, the funeral home ushers. We drove our own cars, Men at our church were the ushers, etc. However, his service was very dignified and many commented on its simplicity but beauty. We used an urn his brother had made on a lathe, put the ashes in it and had a picture of his on the altar table with the urn and a bouquet of flowers.
I have spend 45 yrs. in ministry, conducted many funerals, and find myself being angry when funeral homes try to quilt families into funerals they cannot afford.
Please do what you can honestly afford and don't go into debt.
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Nonni2012eli Oct 2019
Robin R, I am sad to hear you using such strong and accusatory words toward someone who is confused and troubled about what to do regarding the death of a loved one. She nor her mother can afford what her mother wants after she dies. What would your suggestion be?
Actually, I believe that the person is no longer there once life leaves them. The person WAS the life, or, if you will, the soul - which has left the body. After that, all that's left is the skin and bones. Since the skin and bones are not the part that we love/d, for me, cremation is a good option. And without an inurnment (scattering ashes instead), it's sound ecology, not to mention Biblical. Return to the earth.
I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON).
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My wife passed away just a few months ago. Her wishes were to be cremated with no viewing. Afterwards I felt this was wrong. There's nothing wrong with cremation, but nothing after that? I feel she needed to say goodbye to those that knew her. It has continued to bother me so when I pass, her urn will be next to my casket with a photograph of her and I. Then I will be cremated and we will be buried together. Do not feel guilt about cremation. It is totally acceptable. Even the catholic church now accepts cremation.
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disgustedtoo Oct 2019
Did you have any kind of memorial service or remembrance for family and friends? This is more important really than "viewing". When my dad's mother passed away, the closest I got to the "wake" was the parking lot. I could NOT make myself go inside. When mom's mother passed, they got me into the building, but I refused to go "look" at her. My cousins sat nearby me and I overheard them saying 'Didn't she look good?' My thoughts, which I kept to myself were 'Didn't she look dead?' I did NOT want to remember her that way. She lived with us and my aunts/uncles in her final years, and I remember those times fondly! I did NOT want to remember her lying there "looking good."

Very aptly my mother has many times said 'If someone can't be bothered to come visit me when I am alive, don't bother when I am dead!'

Your plan for your own services are fine. This is what you want and you have prepared for it. What you currently need to deal with is the guilt for not doing for her what you wanted. Consider having a get together with those who were close, to memorialize her... pics, etc, have others relate stories, etc. You clearly haven't had good closure.
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When my oldest brother passed at 69, there was a large funeral at his church, and the body was sent to a neighboring state to be buried at a cemetery where his wife's people had a family plot. (Our family lived at the other side of the US.) There was a large gathering at the graveside with most of his wife's people there, as well as his sons, my daughter and I, and our other two brothers and wives.
His wife lived about another 30 years, and when she passed, she was cremated, and a small service at the church brought out several old friends, as well as her sons' families and me. We drove to the family plot with her ashes in the back of the car, and there were again a few relatives there. She was interred in her husband's plot.
The difference was the difference in the family situations--a middle-aged person with a lot of friends and relatives, and a very elderly person who had outlived most of her generation. Each situation was handled as appropriate for the actual situation.
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Please remember funerals are for the living. Pay respect to your mom in the way you are comfortable: emotionally and financially. I am sure your mom would not have wanted you to go into debt or to cause you unhappiness.
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In my opinion most funerals and funeral homes in general are a ripoff. They prey on those grieving. I'll be creamated with a small gathering of friends and family at home. Yes, I can afford more but I see no sense in it and had rather leave my funds to my children.
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gentlemanwes Oct 2019
GET SOME PICTURES TO PLACE ON A STAND , AND CREMATE, PEOPLE WILL SEE HER OR HIM AS THEY WERE WHEN ALIVE, I NEVER LIKED LOOKING AT A DEAD PERSON MYSELF. BUT THIS IS JUST ME.
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I agree with Countrymouse who said "As far as discussions with your mother are concerned, you don't have to lie; just reassure her that everything will be decently and properly done."

Not to worry mom, I have it covered. While it may guilt you because you know it won't be what she is asking for, you are aware that there is no way to fund a lavish funeral. Given your mother's age, how many close family and friends are still around/capable to attend a big wake/funeral/burial? You should try NOT to harbor any guilt. You are doing the best you can. You are also caring for the living NOW, you should not have to worry and feel guilt after the fact.

Currently I have no plans for any kind of service or memorial for mom. She is the last of her generation and most friends are gone or too invalid/remote to join us. It leaves me, two brothers, several grandchildren and various cousins of my generation - even some of those have since passed. We all haven't seen each other in ages! Mom is 96 with dementia in MC, so who will be attending anything for her? Also, the one thing she always used to say was 'If anyone can't come to see me when I am living, don't bother when I am dead!' We often don't see eye to eye, but I am in full agreement with her on this!

You said: "Thank you so very much. I'm now thinking cremation and a memorial service will be reality."
and
"She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery."

Make plans for this and just reassure mom you have it all taken care of. With dementia, she will likely forget and bring it up again and again. Perhaps you could make up a folder with literature and all the trappings/pix showing what a nice funeral she will have. Then she can look through it when the topic comes up and be satisfied for a while!

You might need to consult with the military service who handles the cemetery to find out what the process is. It would be better to know now than at the last minute and have to scramble to get the details at that time along with handling your grief.

For our dad, the FH took care of everything, but the parents had some prepaid (mom was billed for the rest.) She has an account with them, hopefully it is all covered at this point - cremation and internment with dad.

Shop around for cremation places, find the one(s) with the best prices and perhaps search online for caskets/urns too (I believe one has to be in a casket to be cremated, but don't know for a fact on that! Hmmm, where does one store that if you pre-order it? Or do you just "window shop" and order it when the time comes?)

Once you have a ballpark figure, save towards that. Depending on when she passes, there could be increases, but you should be close! If there's any left or you can swing more and there are any friends/relatives who might be interested, have a little memorial gathering for her - you could even do it at home to save money. Memories are the best. Funerals are for the living, but wayyyy too expensive! I certainly don't want one for me...
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2019
No casket for cremation. They deal with the body and modesty by placing it in a cardboard box.

I would check what the free site incudes.

My sister wanted a burial plot until she found out how expensive everything was. Plot 3.5k, opening of said plot 3.5k, internment in said plot 1.5k. At that point she decided that being cremated was A OK. We never did figure out how much it would cost because she stopped the sales man from continuing with everything that she would have needed and would have had to pay for to be planted.

Me, cremate me and take me to the mountain top and throw me to the wind, cuz I am done with that body and nobody else can use whatever is left after organ donation.
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Nonni2012eli said:

"I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON)."

This post got good laughs from me!!! Getting the Choir was the first chuckle, then reading how you are not going to sit up and scold them, ahahahaha....

Well, maybe you won't scold them, but perhaps you could just haunt them a little now and then...

Thanks for the laughs!
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My suggestion to you would be to meet with a funeral director. I did this for my parents. Once they expressed their choices to determine the "bottom line" we started to work toward that goal. They each had a small life insurance policy; I believe one was valued at $3500 and the other valued at $9000. They met with the agent from the insurance company to sign the policies over to the funeral home in a way that keeps the policy in each of their name, but prevents them from using the policy as collateral (asset). This was done to comply with Medicaid rules. After that, they paid a small amount each month. This amount could be as little as $25-$50. If you come into a little unexpected money like you sell her car (if she has one) or some other belonging, put that lump sum into the funeral account. You're right. You don't have a crystal ball to know how long she will live, but she will know that you have done everything possible to honor her wishes. When the time comes that she passes, you will sit down with the funeral director to determine what can be done with the budget at hand.
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Then I’d go with the free one at Veterans cemetery. That seems to make the most sense. If she had the $8,000, then I’d say pre plan, but that doesn’t seem to be an option.
Unless you can do preplan & not pay it all at once? Perhaps a little bit at a time? Also, graveside is less expensive. Anyway, the Veterans burial plot seems like the best decision.
Hugs🤗
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It may be a state law but you do need a coffin with cremation. We had to get one for my stepfather.
There is the option of having a private cremation then interment privately. But be careful with extra charges, make sure you see an itemized list and what you MUST do. I don’t know what she wants but you can do it nicely for much less than that
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worriedinCali Oct 2019
that has to be a law in your state because I know for a fact it’s not required in all states. It’s not required in California or Texas. My mother’s side of the family prefers cremation and no casket was ever required. You have to buy a pine box or something like that if you want to make sure you get only your loved ones ashes but again it’s not required. My FIL was cremated in June and we didn’t have to get anything. We didn’t pay for a casked or wood box. We didn’t have to buy a casket in order to bury him in his home state either, we used an urn.
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The only reason my cousin rented a casket before cremation was because he was doing a wake for her. He had her ashes placed in an urn after cremation.

When my brother was cremated we did not purchase a casket.

My uncle worked at the post office after retiring from the army. He wasn’t the type to ‘retire’ and enjoyed being busy. He told us a story about a person that shipped ashes back home after cremation.

The recipient opened the box in the post office instead of waiting to open when they got home. She accidentally dropped the urn and ashes went all over. It was a busy time of day and people were stepping in the ashes.

My uncle said she started crying. They asked everyone to step aside and the maintenance person swept up the remainder and put in a box for her to transfer to a new urn. Accidents happen.
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So sorry, Essie Marie, that your parents didn't plan ahead for the future and that you are now "stuck" with this decision. We all want to do for our parents what is the "norm" or "wanted" decision that they would have made. However, when they (or you) don't have the money with which to provide that wanted burial, there is really nothing that you can do but to spend the least amount that you can for their burial. So I ask......have you thought about donating her body to research? There are hospitals etc. that are willing to use the cadaver for teaching experiences. This may sound very morbid to you, but, then, at the same time, these hospitals cremate the body with all respect and give you the ashes. The cost to you, from what I understand, is nothing or minimal. And while the idea of doing this seems like a desecration, it is also a teaching moment for those students who may, one day, save a life because of what they learned from your mother. Please consider it and don't put yourself in a position of being financially burdened because of Mom's passing. And, it would be wise to take care of this decision BEFORE Mom passes. It is a positive way to take care of everyone or thing involved, especially if you are not around to make this decision at the time.

It's tough, I know. But think about it and may God grant you peace with your decision.
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You ask church 4 help if you belong, ask relatives and IF all fails YOU DO YOUR BEST AND CREMATE SHE IS IN HEAVEN SHE DOES NOT CARE SHE WANTS YOU TO PRAY & MISS HER & TALK TO HER EVERY DAY!
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brinoz Oct 2019
I am stunned that you gave your phone number.
hope you don’t get a lot of crank calls,
best of luck!
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EssieMarie: In spite of some the harsh words spewed by some on this page toward my comments, I have sent you two private messages, one a follow up to the first as I took the liberty of doing some research and backing up my public comments...I have provided some resources and contact information that may be helpful with your needs and planning, including for funeral/burial or cremation. Wishing you the best as I always was in spite of what was concluded by some here.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
You're awesome gdaughter! 👍
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Cut Your cloth to Your measure EssieMarie. Only spend what You can comfortably afford and do not worry. Of coarse We would all love a Pipe Band and lots of fan fare when Our time comes but then We must remember when We die the Soul leaves the Body for Heaven and that's what is most important.
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This is another case of people simply refusing to do things to prepare for the eventual things that will/must occur. That is/was her problem - not yours. Do not say anything, just cremate her. She won't know it and she will pass peacefully and be with God. You will have done the best you could and that alone should bring you peace. It is not your fault - she brought this on herself. Do NOT feel guilty or use the veteran's cemetery. I am here for you.
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Myownlife Oct 2019
Why shouldn't she use the VA cemetery? It is what my SIL will do when she passes away, to be close to her husband/my brother.
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By any chance, does she have a life insurance policy that can be used pond her death to pay for her funeral? If she does not, some state's will provide assistance with cremation under Medicaid. Does she have any spousal benefits through the V.A.? I Don't think you should be using your savings to pay for her funeral. After all, a funeral is for the living not for the deceased. I suggest you discuss your feelings with a counselor or some sort of a support group? I'm thinking that she would not want you to be in debt for an experience she will have no knowledge of. Please Don't feel guilty over something that is beyond your control. After all when she was able, she could have made choice such as pre-pay or payment plans that would have allowed her to have her funeral of choice.
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anonymous828521 Oct 2019
Awesome info Peanuts56👍
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You should be crying because you have gone through life with out creating financial discipline. It is a HUGE problem in this country. Our lack of financial responsibility is a freight train coming at the elderly and soon to be elderly in this country. If you cannot cut your expenses enough to put this $8000 a way in time I suggest this:
Contact the veterans adm and learn ALL you can about what options and support they will provide you. You might be surprised.
Are there other family members or friends that would be willing to help?
Have you spoken to your church. They often help with these kinds of things. If your not active in a church ask friends that do go to church if they will introduce you to their church leaders.
Go to the local Senior centers to see what kind of support may be available
Go to local and county social service offices to see what may available

If you have children use this as a "teaching moment" Use this to teach your children they have to create a budget to live in, they have to take time to plan their future. They have to no allow the materialistic world to drag them around and they MUST spend less than they earn. Todays young people are going to live FAR longer than any of us will. They are going to have to be smart about money when they are young so they will have a decent life in their Senior years and when they are sitting around thinking about what kind of final service they want they will know they learned from their elders and will be prepared.
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inkandpaper Oct 2019
It's also worth noting that OP's mother has lived to 94- where she might very well have outlived her resources.
I do have the resources to do a funeral and burial for my loved ones, but I would not consider spending 8K for a funeral a good use of those resources. I understand that the method of dealing with a loved one's remains is very personal and the reasons for choosing one method over another can be complex. I would rather my family take 8K and travel. they can spread my ashes on whatever vacation they take with the money. Or they can use the 8K to add to their own financial stability.
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No adult child of a parent should be spending their own financials for their parent. You will need that for your own elder self. This had been stated many times over and not just by a lay person.
Where does that leave you? In a quandary. Because of her wishes, which she has not saved accordingly for, you may have to opt for cremation.
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There is nothing wrong with cremation!  Do people actually think that way these days? The old stigma was due to the fact that in the eighteenth-nineteenth centuries, there was the mistaken idea that cremation denied the possibility of the resurrection.  Not so. You can have a Requiem Mass with the cremains present. One of the most beautiful "funerals" I attended was for a man who wished to donate his body to UCLA Medical School.  At his death in the hospital, all his widow had to do was gather up personal items, call the phone number she had been given and everything was taken from there. (Of course, there were still the medical bills from his stay in the hospital.)  Then, a month later, she invited friends, co-workers etc. to a memorial at the Eaton Canyon Nature Center. People brought food, she supplied punch and we all got acquainted with one another and shared our stories of this wonderful man.  Very inexpensive, but very respectful.  You and your mom might try to think outside the box here.
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Shane1124 Oct 2019
I can verify this as well. My brother passed in June. I had to cremate him. I did check with a priest who stated cremation was now accepted in Catholicism. I did have a requiem Mass for him with his cremains at the church.
There is no longer an issue about cremation in the Catholic Church anyway.
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Hi, just for info, I've copied this from a funeral website, (note that a "direct burial" is most affordable type):
https://www.everplans.com/articles/4-things-you-need-to-know-about-direct-burial
*Basic Features Of Direct Burial:
"Because direct burial does not include a formal funeral or any pre-funeral events, many of the costs of a traditional funeral are avoided.
The body is usually buried in a simple container, rather than an expensive casket
There is no viewing, visitation, or wake before the burial, which eliminates the need for embalming.
A graveside funeral service may be held when the body is buried: (at additional cost), or a memorial service may be held at a later date."
[Essie, I hope this comforts you & gives u a viable option 4mom].
Tiger55
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Peanuts56 Oct 2019
Thanks for your kindness as well as the information.
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