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MightGetSmart,

Your husband must realize that there isn’t a reset button that he can press to start all over.

His mom and sister have shown him with their actions exactly what they think and feel about him. He has been cut out of the will. Their only interest in him has been about using him.

It’s time for him to start believing them. It is futile for him to believe that change is possible at this point.

They are only interested in their point of view because they view themselves as being so special. He isn’t special to them.

I’m so sorry. It’s especially painful for your husband and painful for you to watch him suffer.
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First thing I would do would be to stop paying expenses. Money that is supposed to be for your / his retirement, your "emergency" funds. You can't leave yourselves short. Now if you have the extra funds and can afford to be generous then by all means.
But it sounds like there is not going to be much left in any event. Once bills are paid and the expense of clearing out and selling (if there is anything from that after mortgage is paid) there might not be much left.
Putting it bluntly...
Is your husband doing what he does because he loves his mom, because he WANTS to do these things or is he doing them because he may inherit some money or trinkets? If he is doing them out of love and respect then it should not matter if he is in the Will or not.
If he is doing these things because he might inherit then he should stop if he knows he will get nothing.
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MightGetSmart May 2023
My husband has a pure heart. He's tried his best to honor his mother as he should. To find out she doesn't value his "gifts" now is very hurtful. His greatest hope is that she will spend all her money on herself and won't be taken advantage of by his sister. But if she passes tomorrow and sister hasn't done anything, it would be nice to be remembered and equally valued in the will. He would want no more than his equal share even though he has only given and sister has only taken. Now it's a mute point, isn't it? The damage is done. The message is received.
(16)
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Your MIL has made it known that she favors her daughter. Quite unusual, moms often favor their sons. It depends on the circumstances though.

The daughter is using her mom. Mom doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. They are both incredibly self centered people and are users. Your husband was used. Put an end to it now. Walk away and don’t look back.

Your husband is heartbroken over this. I’m so sorry.

I don’t see a resolution for this but if I were the son, I would back off from dealing with his mom or sister.

It’s wonderful when people can find healing in their families. I don’t think healing will ever happen in this family. As much as it hurts, let it go and live your life. You’re not going to get anywhere with the mom or the sister. They don’t care about you or your husband.

They ditched him and he can certainly choose to stop being involved in their lives.

No one gets to choose their family members. Some of us are stuck with rotten relatives. You can choose other people in your life that will treat you right. Your husband needs focus on rebuilding his life without his mom and sister being in the picture.
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This is one of those family messes that can't be fixed. It's clear, as others have advised, you need to break off contact.

Sometimes we want to keep trying, but your husband is right. It's over. If these people were gone from your life, so would be the stress, heartache, time, and money you've expended on the situation. How free you'd feel!

After the breakup, what if she calls you in the middle of the night because her toilet is overflowing? Have the number of a good plumber available and slowly read it to her over the phone. Then go back to sleep.

I wish you luck.
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Sounds like Mom and Sis have their own little world and husband is just tolerated in it. Your husband is perfectly in the right to cut her off. If he has any "but it's my mother" feelings, then remind him she hasn't been a motherly figure in a long time. Like you said, she feels like he owes her. He didn't ask to be born and a good parent does not saddle her son with "I raised you so you owe me". She chose to have kids and thus knew she'd be the one feeding and clothing them for at least 18 years.

It isn't about the money. It's a slap in the face to all the work, literal WORK he has done for her. But since she has teamed up with a greedy sister, there probably won't be much left anyway. And once the sister is alone, any remaining assets will tank.

So once he cuts contact, I'm sure the phone calls will come wanting him to fix things and do her bidding. If husband picks up the phone, there's options.

"Mom, I'm getting older too and can't do as much with your house like I used to. I know of some people you can call if you need house repairs."

"I think you and sister have all you need there. She can find help if it's needed. If an appliance is broken, buy a new one."

"Mom, since you cut me out of the will, I assume you don't love me or appreciate all the work I've done. So I won't upset you anymore by going to your house to fix things."
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MightGetSmart May 2023
Thanks to all the supportive replies we are seeing what we refused to see before... this is toxic. We do feel responsibility to parents, but this is a major slap in the face. We can see years of sweetness aimed at getting things she wanted. Now she's given up and resentful.
(15)
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a will is a legal document, if husband is not legally documented as POA then he legally has no right. to husband; truth hurts but you are legally released from that relationship and now entering a living grief period to heal and recover before she is phydically gone. (try grief share groups) the more you separate yourself the more you will see the truth. you deserve to know the truth and to heal and live free with those who love you. you can do it. you have a wife and a life of your own. but in black and white on paper is the truth. it is painful. it hurts. but now you can find love and life free from strife. you are done. move on. give yourself five years to understand this and then share your experience with others. that is all you have to do now. put yourself first.
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"My husband wants to cut the connection as they clearly were going to continue to use him for his services and avoid the truth as long as possible."

So what's the advice you need from this forum? Cut the connection, as your H wants.
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I feel so horrible for your husband but in re reading this question, the answer is clear. CUT OFF ALL CONTACT. NEVER go over there EVER AGAIN. NEVER. Block their phone numbers, etc. NOTHING. NEVER. EVER. DONE.
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God forgive me but walk away -cut off all contact.
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Your husband should cut his losses and walk away right now. He also shouldn't do a damn thing for his mother anymore. From what you say she clearly has no respect for her son and by extension for you, so he should stop.

Her spiteful daughter stands to inherit whatever mom has so she can take up the responsibility of her in exchange.

If she is unwilling to be fair to her son (your hsuband) then he should abandon her. Don't do anything for her. Don't pay for anything. Don't arrange for any home repairs or make sure thigs get taken care of. Call her once a week to wish her well, and if she starts complaining hang up and start calling once a month.
She has decided to put her money on the spiteful, incompetent, basically useless daughter and she's going to lose. So let her lose.
She is making the choice to push her son away by the disrespectful and entitled way she treats him. So he should go away.
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Inheritances are not only about money, it is how the person is thought of by the departed LO and I’m sure your husband is hurt by his mother’s revelation. I wouldn't give MIL one more dime. The bright side is there will be very little if anything left after the reverse mortgage is satisfied and SIL won’t be getting much if anything.

After your MIL is gone your SIL will continue to have her hand out. People like her just think other people need to be bailing them out. Put your husband on notice now that you will not be subsidizing her. I write this because I know this from my life experience.
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Your MIL will have nothing when she dies. I think with reverse mortgages, all the fees are at the end? Let it go. Your DH would probably have done what he did for Mom even if he knew then there was no inheritance. TG he did not remodel her kitchen or pay for a bigger TV or cable or a car!. I would think if she wanted a remodel, she could have made a deal with the Mortgage Company to give her extra money based on her equity she still had. Maybe thats what she'll need to do now. Ask for xtra money to cover all the things ur husband will no longer do.

I would give her no more money. Tell her to get it from the daughter who inherits everything. Your bank is closed.

You said she lives in a small home and there is still 200k in equity? That goes down as she receives money against it every month.
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MightGetSmart May 2023
I've seen her reverse mortgage statement within the past 2 years and she can pay it off now for under $300K, but she would have to sell. If she sells in our "up market" she will get around $500K. That will give her around $200K in cash.
(6)
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My mother said to me "I am not leaving you anything in my will, you have enough"!

Now this is someone who I catered to for over 60 years, while my brother did little or nothing.

She also bought him a convertible, I took her to the car lot, the guy who was helping her said "Are you buying one for your daughter too"! Oh no, she has one, I did, it was 12 years old.

That was a real slap in the face, not actually about the money it is about indirectly saying to me "You mean nothing to me, I am just using you".

Well, that ended that, I never spoke to her again, it's been almost 13 years and this is the third time I went no contact. This time it is forever.

My brother is stuck with her and he is going through Hail as she doesn't have me to take it out on anymore, she is 98. I help him behind the scenes, support him.

Not one other member of the family speaks to her, her brother hasn't for 35 years, she is poison.
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Jennycap May 2023
BRAVO - I would have done the same thing,. She made her bed - now let her lie in it.
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If our parents cut us out of their will, they’d be dead to us.
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BurntCaregiver May 2023
@PeggySue

Agreed. I have things in writing for what happens with this property. My mother will make the ocassional threat about going to a lawyer and changing her Trust and Will. So I remind her what the term 'Irrevocable' means and that she has no cards to play.
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Your wrote:

"Mom lives alone in a small home with reverse mortgage. The initial money is all gone and she lives on SS."

What will be left to inherit?
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lkdrymom May 2023
exactly, there isn't really anything to inherit.

Stop doing so much for her. let her know that her 'beneficiary' can take over the things your husband has been doing. This is kind of a win-win.
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The bottom line appears to be:
1) See an attorney
2) See an attorney with your mother-in-law
3) Have her son see an attorney with his mother.

All these details needs to be discussed with an attorney 'if' your mother-in-law will. If she will not, then that is your answer. Let it go.

Gena / Touch Matters
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MightGetSmart May 2023
Oh no, MIL won't go to an attorney. She won't chance upsetting dear daughter.
(5)
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Is this your second post or does it just sound familiar to another one that I read recently about someone being cut out of a will?

This story is tragic all the way around.

Mom is going to do what mom is going to do. So is the sister.

They are living their lives exactly as they wish to. I would highly recommend that you do the same.

You probably know better than anyone on this forum that you cannot influence them to change their behavior. So, I would stop trying to and live my own life.

Are we hurt by the actions of our family members at times? Absolutely we are but there comes a time when we have to let them be them and you be you. Don’t involve yourself in their lives anymore than you want to.
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MightGetSmart May 2023
Yes, I started another post then couldn't edit it anymore so started over.
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