My mother in law is in her late seventies. Her sister just recently passed away and her other sister is in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. With her older sisters recent passing, none of the decisions for funeral planning or...I am not sure how to say this correctly...where to put her were made or expressed in advance. (One of her four children had to fit the bill entirely on her own. The poor girl had to put the entire thing on her credit card...and I am sure by knowing her siblings will be paying it off on her own as well). The siblings that didn't bother to help of course had a boat load of opinions and wanted to disagree about everything. I feel unless my mother in law gets it together...we will be stuck with all of the finances and have to deal with the deadbeat siblings in our family. She absolutely refuses to even discuss it. When I told her that my husband and myself have a plot already paid for and have very precise instructions as to our choices, she told me she didn't care what we decided. I asked her if she had any money set aside for this (she has about $1700 a month in disposable income). Her response to me was that, it is not her responsibility to pay for it, that we have to deal with that. (Excuse me, what?) We built a thousand square foot mother in law apartment/addition onto our home. It has a separate entrance, separate yard, we fully furnished it with the furniture she chose and put in all the appliances and fixtures, flooring she wanted...so on and so on. She pays no rent or utilities of any kind. My husband paid off her car and pays the insurance and maintenance. Mind you, we live in a subdivision and still have a mortgage and now a second mortgage due to this. I was flabbergasted. What? I am fully annoyed. The fact that she will not even address the topic is very frustrating, but the fact that she feels we should provide for her funeral and burial without even making an attempt to take care of it on her own. Frustrating. Have you had this talk with your parents, did they make these decisions...did they avoid it? Did they expect you to pay for it? I am at a loss. I feel we have done so much and I do not think what we are asking of her is out of line. Maybe uncomfortable, but not out of line. How do we make her understand she needs to address this.
If your MIL has some money left that you can access, use it for the cremation. Even if you have to pay with your own money, you can probably manage that cost. Check prices in your area so you'll have some idea what to expect.
Your MIL may not be able to deal emotionally with the reality of dying. She has told you she doesn't care what you decide. She is not demanding that you provide a huge gala in her honor. Even an obituary notice is optional. Assume it is being left up to you, and plan accordingly. You do not need to spend a huge amount of money.
As long has your husband is beneficiary or co-owner of her checking/savings account you won't have to go through probate (another cost). If he isn't and she won't, then depending on your state you can wait two or three years and get it out of unclaimed funds. That's what I am doing. I check once a month, it should be showing up soon.
Sometimes (if the amount is under $10,000) the bank will let your husband have it if he shows a paid funeral bill and the situation is not in probate.
He most likely will be able to keep her last social security check that comes after she dies. Those checks are paid after the month. My mother died the 3rd of July, but we were allowed to keep the check that came in July because it was for April (and she was alive the entire month of April).
Why is she not paying her own way? That doesn't even make good sense. She needs to pay her own bills and be the grown up she is. A reduced rent to at least cover her utilities and paying for her own auto insurance is not asking to much. Oh my, when she really needs help the precedence that is being established will make her a monster to deal with, she will feel entitled to order you all about and do her bidding. She will not hesitate to fight your wishes, it will be here way or hell to pay. Something to consider.
She's always "triangulated" us so I have no relationship with my siblings and she loves to make me look bad (though I've been the caretaker and her helper my whole life), so she's done it even with death. I've decided I'll just let my siblings dictate and not fight for what she told me she wants. It's not worth destroying my mental and physical health more to "defend" her wishes anymore.
When I begged her to put her wishes in writing because my siblings didn't believe me she promised she would. Instead she spent days studying death notices in the paper, then gave me only her glowing death notice for me to publish when the time comes. She wrote nothing of her funeral or burial wishes she tasked me with though....
My post probably doesn't help you, but it helps me to vent - so thank you - and I wish you get the best outcome with your situation.
I was definitely fortunate with my mom. She was very upfront with me about her finances and for the final 6 years, I was totally in charge of them. We never pre-planned the funeral, but did meet with the priest she wanted to do the service, and I knew the funeral director she wanted to use so for me, the hardest part was finding pall bearers, since some that she had wanted pre-deceased her! And being the last survivor in the family, there was no one to complain about my decisions.
Then at her death, if the other Siblings don't want to chip in, she should be Cremated and her Ashes can kept or spread at a place you know she enjoyed being. You could even Spread them at you and your husband burial plot.
a question Your Mother in Law is not able to deal with right now, but when She is I bet Mother in Law will make Her wishes known to You and the Family.
As for building the 1,000 Square Ft appartment on to Your home, this will add to the value of Your home after Mother in Law dies. Consider this an investment much safer than having that money in the Bank. As for Siblings contributing zero and have a boat load of opinions while disagreeing with every thing is a very common occurrence, but then this probably eases their guilt. As for Mother in Law Who is in Her late 70's, and may Live another ten
twelve or fifteen years ? and hopefully She will and You will have loads of time
to deal with this matter.
DON’T need it and I do (I fear being homeless once I run thru the last of my retirement savings). Humans ... thanks JJ for even looking at my vent! ❤️
Next, she doesn't seem to care about whatever you do with her after she passes. OK, get used to that idea. It gives you freedom to NOT spend a lot on her memorial. She obviously doesn't care about having a funeral plot, a huge memorial service or the huge expense incurred with the whole business. The least expensive ways to deal with her remains are donation and cremation. Medical schools needs patients to practice on - the dead - and the costs incurred are transportation to the medical school and preserving the body. Cremation involves the cost of cremation - a casket is not needed. You can do whatever you want with her ashes that give you peace. The least expensive is donation for organ harvest and tissue research. The cost of removing organs for harvest is borne by the recipient. The remains can then be donated for tissue research. The recipient organization will take all the tissue samples they need and cremate the remains. The family of the donor will receive the ashes of unused tissues in about 2-3 weeks without charge.
Memorials need not be expensive. When my FIL passed. We had a nice celebration of life in our church. The room was free since we are members. I bought some simple refreshments and we placed pictures of Dad throughout the room. My hubby gave a short eulogy about his dad and then people were encouraged to share memories with the group. We ended our time in prayer. Talk with your hubby and family about what kind of activities you would like to remember MIL by. Remember that funerals and memorials are for the living and not the dead.
Get an insurance agent over there right away and your husband should insist she pay for the final expense policy.
Let her know unless she pays the monthly premiums, which can be deducted from her checking account, she will be cremated. Leave that information on her kitchen table.
You can't change her selfishness, but you can be proactive. Something tells me your husband has always been UBER responsible when it comes to his family.
I also chose graveside which is less expensive. The family is small probably be at most around 20-25 people at most...same people who were at her 90 Bday party.
You have poa? Even if you don’t you can go to get pre plan for her. She don’t sound like in shape to deal with those things & there’s nothing you can do unfortunately to change it. Hugs 🤗
If she balks at this, tell her to pay up and to be loving to her progeny rather than punish them when they are already grieving. These are my thoughts. [You've obviously been incredibly generous already!].
Write out a list...
Funeral with 2 days for the wake is $$$$$$
Funeral with just the 1 day view and burial is $$$$
Cremation with no viewing and simple box is $$$
Donating body to medical research with body returned cremated ...Pretty much free...
List phone numbers for the medical research and info on how to contact them when she passes and a contact name.
That might just get her thinking that you will NOT foot the bill for the service and if she wants the "send off" she wants then she has to help plan and pay for it now so that she is sure to get what she wants.
My Husband was never one to talk about funerals and what he wanted it was not until I talked to his sister that she told me he had always said he wanted to be put next to him mom. That is what I did....
I don't think my DH had given it much thought, he buried his first wife and I think he just figured it would be the responsibility of his children to do his funeral.
Thank God, I am a 'saver' and 'planner' and we already had our double plot and the tombstone before he passed, so all I had to pay for was his cremation, an urn and to have his Veteran's Marker mounted.
I have enough saved to take care of my final expenses too - I'm just not sure who will be left to take charge. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life worrying. The money is there, enough to cover all the final expenses. Praise God I am not in debt.
site Ray, keep up posting.
I truly understand how upset you feel- it should be her decision and responsibility.
If she’s unwilling to at least do that, tell her all her money will go to the state and wasted. That a will would be able to leave it to a charity or whatever she wants.
I also would get yourself an attorney and have a paper written up that under no circumstances are you financially responsible for her debt or funeral cost. Sort of turn the cheek. She shouted wolf now it’s your turn to charge her rent, car insurance, etc and put that money in savings for her funeral and let her know Cremation is much less expensive so that’s what you plan to do to her. No burial just ashes in a shoebox. This is tough love but it needs to be addressed.
I had a client do that and once their loved one heard she got a prepaid policy and a cemetery plot all paid in full!
I know this is hardening when you have helped her out of love and friendship, but she’s not in agreement and besides let your husband handle her after all he’s enabling her by paying her expenses and giving in to her every whim! You stay out of it . This will cause serious endings in your marriage if he won’t put her straight.
good luck. This is his mom and his responsibility.
i believe this can also be added to a tax bill. Could the cost be split up and levied on each sibling's property tax bill? May cause trouble, but are you close to the others anyway??
Thank you for helping me think through the idea of a small memorial service. It seems a shame not to honor her in some way.