My father in law died during the pandemic and we have not been able to plan his service. He was an atheist and wanted a party for a celebration. We had him cremated and we are holding on to the ashes. His wish was to be buried in his Unitarian church’s memorial garden. My mother in law has not willingly talked about the burial or any of the details. My husband is their executor, it feels like he is in over his head.
It is an unusual time but I feel like something off about the complete avoidance about planning any kind of burial or service. In the meantime, I am not comfortable having his ashes with us because he was so vocal about his intention. Any advice?
the pain of loosing anyone dear to them so they are the fortunate ones.
do stop worrying about the dead and concentrate on the living and their feelings . She’s not ready to let him go , give her his urn let her grieve in her own way . She will make the right decision. I have my daughter ashes , my mother and father also. Why because thats
where they wanted to he . God help you make the right decision for your mother and for you also . God bless and stay safe 🙏🙏😍🌺🌷
It sounds like he made his wishes clear. When it is convenient for you, take steps to complete his wishes.
Before you move to complete a step, tell his wife that you intend to do so. If she objects to any step, hold off.
If she continues object, it may be because she is not at a point in grieving to let go.
Maybe, if she were keeping the ashes, she could find a way to let go of them.
Is she willing to bear this responsibility?
D
If your husband feels like he is over his head, why isn't he posting here instead of you? Look inside and understand your motivations: Are YOU feeling empty? Grief? Loss? It might support you to identify how you feel inside to recognize how you feel.
Something is OFF. The pandemic has affected all of us. On top of that, many are dealing with family members with dementia. There is a lot off now.
For your own well-being, it is important to examine, then look beyond your needs and beliefs/value systems instead of putting the focus of your concern(s) as being the problem of your mother-in-law and her behavior. This is about you.
"Unitarianism
This article is about the Christian theological movement. For the doctrinal position, see Nontrinitarianism. For the liberal religious movement, see Unitarian Universalism. For its British counterpart, see General Assembly of Unitarian and Free Christian Churches. For other uses, see Unitarian."
So I hope that's all completely clear now..?
So we're delaying things indefinitely at this point until covid-19 is under control then we'll plan our big memorial party to celebrate their years together on earth and in the afterlife.
Maybe that's an option for your mother in law to wait and have one big memorial to honor the two of them. Just a thought, good luck to your family in working this out. Grieving is not easy.
He died in the summer and had many elderly relatives so heat and getting people to a funeral would have been a hardship to many. So we had a memorial service with pizza and cookies. Instead of solemnity and grieving we were able to enjoy memories and stories. I made posters with pictures from his life and my siblings brought momentos of his life.
This was easier on Mom, too, not having to make so many decisions at such a traumatic time. And quite frankly saved up a lot of money on a funeral.
Now my husband wants a big funeral which has been paid for and wishes to be buried beside his mom and dad who had a 3 person plot. But, he flat refuses to finish the planning by purchasing the vault required and a headstone. He has picked out his casket and told me what he wants to wear. I just wish he would finish the purchases needed to be complete.
Second, why was your hubby made executor? Sounds like it was thought that he was a good manager of things. If so, it does not need to be struggled with as an emotional decision. Just see that the will is properly executed. I have long held that one of the worst things that Anyone can do to their survors is to make a relative an executor of the estate. It will always place that person in a position of distrust and alienation the rest of their lives. It will also always make the rest of the family feel like the deceased did not trust one of them enough to make one of them the executor, instead. But that ship has already sailed in your case. Just get the job done so everyone can move on. Either that will be a relief for your MIL or she will be put off because she was using her indecision to keep attention focused on herself in her indecision. Good luck.
The ashes...you are focused on yourself. Do what he wanted.
Do what you have to do.
doesn’t mean anyone every brought up a serious discussion about it.
I arranged through our funeral arranger for a small military service with a Chaplain and one soldier at the nearby National Cemetery. Just our son, his wife and their twins. My husband was not a sociaI person and had no close friends. I gave the chaplain some information about my husband, my daughter-in-law made a small bulletin board with various pictures of my husband over the years, and a newspaper article of him. The twins were almost 6 at the time, and were thrilled to see the photos of their grandpa on display. I arranged to have two flags presented, one to me and one to the twins (mine will go to them, so they each have one of Pap Pap). Just as the Chaplain started to talk, two waitresses from my husbands favorite restaurant arrived. I was surprised. That's all we had. After the small service we had planned to have lunch at a certain restaurant, and invited the Chaplain and soldier (who declined), and invited the two friends. The chaplain said grace at the restaurant and a few encouraging words. During the lunch we said very little about husband/father/grandpa. The chaplain shared some words of encouragement and for the rest of the luncheon we had laughs and talks, that's the only thing my husband would have wanted. We were just wife, son, family and those 2 friends, and the chaplain.
Introduce the idea that her husband never wanted her to suffer as she is, and thought his wishes would not cause a problem for her. At the right time, remind her of how clear he was about his wishes, including the desire never to leave her in the first place. Now his body has passed, but his love for her remains forever, and that will never part from her. In honoring his strongly voiced intentions, does she really want him not to have what he wanted? If she continues to resist, make sure his ashes are in the room where she stays.
Grief cannot be hurried and i am aware of people who never let go. The families eventually did no upheaval to the remaining spouse by over-riding her decision. Leave her as the sole care-taker of her husband should doing otherwise further break her down. Grieving a permanent loss is expressed in as many ways as there are remaining people. Maybe it is the survivor's struggle to work through this and ours to mitigate their pain. I am truly sorry for the loss experienced by all involved. There is no one good answer to your sensitive situation. But there is one bad answer: forcing a decision on the one most involved. all my love, m
My brother died this past April, not COVID, we are including him in the service. We are spread out over several states some of which are high risk right now....
Create whatever works for the people remaining.... these are strange times. be creative in your celebration of life....
She needs some time to find her footing after dealing with his death.
It's not like you don't know what will happen, it is the when that everyone is dealing with right now.
If his ashes bother you put them somewhere that you don't have to look at them. We put a picture that brings us happy memories around the box, then we can smile every time we see the cremains.
Please find a way to step back and not pressure your MIL while she finds her way forward. Everything that your FIL was so verbal about will happen, just not right now.
Unfortunately, COVID has uprooted many of our plans and cultural institutions. However, I kind of like knowing that we have plenty of time to plan his celebration (especially going through lots of family photos, home movies, and artifacts), rather than rush to get it done so soon after his death (cultural expectation). I think that time will allow us to really enjoy celebrating his life next year, rather than be so focused on his death.
Just another perspective ....
It was 6 mos I think between the time my grandmother passed and the time we were able to get together and disperses her ashes. She was a practice woman and didn’t want a fuss but did want some of her ashes buried next to her husband in a cemetery plot she had arranged for years prior. That cemetery along with most of her life were in CT but she passed in FL during the winter so when my father, two brothers and I could all meet in CT that next spring my father (who also lived in FL at the time) brought her ashes with him, we had some buried in her plot and had a simple private ceremony, just the 4 of us out on the point overlooking the water on the family property she was born on and lived in the summers until the day she died, sending her ashes out into the ocean that had been such a part of her life. I think we were much more ready to feel the moment actually because it had been several months since she passed, it was a perfect goodby for us and we all know for her as well. I’m not saying do something like this, just that waiting to carry out FIL wishes and allowing time for MIL to be a part of planning that as well might be better than it seems to you rite now.
I feel for your loss and don’t want to imagine how much harder it has been given the COVID complication, my thoughts are with all of you.
My father clearly wrote and stated that he wanted no service or gravesite, so we didn't have them. People were upset. My sister wished her ashes to be combined with our parent's and thrown over the Colorado mountains. We are keeping both my dad's and my sister's ashes for that event. My mom might outlive all who know my sister's wish though, so I'm getting it into some sort of document for the remainder of the family. It seems to me the coming together after a death is for the living more than for the one who has passed, but following the wishes are part of that.