My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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"Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister..." What relationship is that??? Have you not read all of her posts? Sister sounds totally selfish. Sister is determined to die a millionaire? What a selfish pursuit, especially when her sibling is not going to be compensated and provided for after 10yrs of caring for their mother with no help from selfish sister? Doesn't sound like a "sister" in my experience, just another toxic person with whom to limit association to the minimum of what's necessary. But YES, keepingup, as frustrating and overwhelming and inconvenient as it all sounds, please don't give up the pursuit of compensation for your years of loyalty to your mother. Except for a few who just don't get it, most everyone here is on your side! Please, please keep us up to date with how things are proceeding.

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No I haven't read any posts other than her original. I actually looked through quickly and didn't see any more from her about her relationship with anyone and if you read my post I think I even say something about not being sure what her relationship is like or if she has communicated at all with her sister about it. I was urging her not to form conclusions in her mind about her mother or her sister without the actual facts and offering possibilities. AND I NEVER said I wasn't "on her side"! I also stand by attempt to remind her that she didn't care for her mom all those years in order to inherit or get something out of it financially. Just because someone chooses to present a different perspective, a less toxic perspective doesn't five you the right to jump all over them, screw you!

(1)

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First don't get yourself wrapped up in the hurt. This will may have (probably was) been drawn up long ago, well before your mom needed any care and you moved in to help. You didn't care for her and make sure she felt special until the day she died in an effort to get the house or with expectations of being compensated when she passed, you did it out of love and because you got personal reward from doing it, from knowing she was cared for and loved.

Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister either, she didn't create this. She also may have had all kinds of emotional reasons for being so un-involved in your mom's care, it's too hard for some people to see and remember their LO in the state where they need live in care whether they are aware of it or not, admit it or not. Maybe your sister has an idea of when and why things were set up like this, maybe not and maybe she will recognize on her own that you should at least be getting part of the house and or not have to move out, maybe she is so grateful you took on what she couldn't and cared for your mom and maybe she will take care of you all on her own. Don't start something you don't know is there and don't accuse her or back her into a corner before giving her the opportunity to make things right on her own. There is time for this and you need each other now, not to be wary of each other.

Maybe there are debts you know nothing about about the house is getting swept up in them anyway, maybe mom knew this and gave sis the headache wanting to spare you the stress and time clearing up her affairs is going to take.

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"Don't let this hurt your relationship with your sister..." Oh my. What relationship is that??? Have you not read all of her posts? Sister sounds totally selfish. Sister is determined to die a millionaire? What a selfish pursuit, especially when her sibling is not going to be compensated and provided for after 10yrs of caring for their mother with no help from selfish sister? Doesn't sound like a "sister" in my experience, just another toxic person with whom to limit association to the minimum of what's necessary. But YES, keepingup, as frustrating and overwhelming and inconvenient as it all sounds, please don't give up the pursuit of compensation for your years of loyalty to your mother. Except for a few who just don't get it, everyone here is rooting for you! Please, please keep us up to date with how things are proceeding.

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The suggestion about squatters rights is a good one. Whether contesting the will or as squatter you will need proof you paid utilities, maintenance, care for your mother etc for all these years. That is going to give you the best chance. Plus as many witnesses to the fact you were sole caregiver and provider. You can win this but you definitely need all the proof.

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Please don't let your sister run over you. You sound like a very sweet loving daughter but don't take this wrong but you sound kind of meek and mild. Those are not bad traits except that people like your sister know that they can take advantage because you won't fight back. Don't shrivel up and take this decision. Stand up for yourself. You deserve it. You have cared for your mother for years and put your life on hold (I know because I do it as well but luckily for me I have no siblings to get cause problems) so now you deserve to put yourself first and not have to worry about where you will live. If staying in that house would make your life easier...you deserve that too. Have a long talk with your sister first, try to get her to sign over the house to you or just agree to let you live there for a nominal rent because it's the right thing to do. If she won't then tell her she is in for a fight because it is not fair and you won't stand for it. If your sister cares for you at all she will make some arrangement for you to continue to live in the house but make sure you get a signed agreement so she can't change her mind later. I wish you all the best and I pray your sister is a decent person who will do the right thing.

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Your suggestions are rational and kind, and I wish that could happen. She has made up her mind to sell the house, wants nothing to.do with it, says it has nothing but bad memories. I have written before, she with her husband have made it clear for years they plan to retire as millionaires, this will aid them in that goal. I just don't think.it's worth the fight. Thank you.

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Try this: make an honest estimate of the time you devoted to your mother's personal care (not housekeeping, shopping or entertainment) and present a bill to the estate executor. Caregiving should be compensated.

Your sister may think you have already been compensated with free rent, food and whatever else your mother paid for when she was alive.

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EVERYTHING requires planning before the event happens. Eldercare attorney is a must for estate planning because eventually the loved one will die. I paid an attorney $250 for a "Ladybird quick deed" so the house automatically goes to me and I been caregiving my mom for 10 years now. I also got a caregiver's contract so the life savings of my parents went to me. I'm engaged for marriage but I'm seeing an attorney and fork over $1,500 for a prenuptial agreement -- in the event of divorce. Everything takes planning. Life sucks and that's just the way it is.
I have two brothers who do absolutely NOTHING to care for my mom and she is heavy duty care requiring 24 hours supervision and assistance with everything including bathing and feeding and toileting. So they get nothing. and I'm POA.

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My mother did the samething. She did the Ladybird quick deed and the POA's, because that was what my dad wanted because my brother was charge my dad for helping my dad with some maintenance and than he staryed stealing from my parents, so he gets nothing!
When my mother pass, I will get a "Ladybird quick deed" for my BF in the vent of me passing he gets the house and not my brother.
So yes, everything takes planning!

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I wonder when her will was drawn up? How long ago was it and what were the circumstances then? If it was drawn more recently, was your mother capable of independently making this action? You don't mention what your sister's circumstances are; do they offer any insight? What does your sister have to say about all of this? Answering these questions might help you determine what to do. Sometimes, it just plain isn't fair, and often it is perplexing. I had an uncle who only left money to two out of his five siblings. Dad was one of the excluded ones. This uncle used to come for dinner to my parents house every Tuesday for decades. Tuesdays was bingo night in their town. Mom and Dad were literally just scraping by financially, but they always offered him a place at their table. Apparently, their home was just a convenient diner. One of the aunts that did receive money later learned that she had a terminal illness. She asked me to play my flute at her funeral. Of course I obliged. Years later, I learned from a cousin (who assumed that we had been gifted equally) that she left sums of money for some of her nieces and nephews. Not me. Wow. Sometimes there is no explanation. With wills and estates, I have come to expect the unexpected!

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Depends how the will was set up, and it was your fault for not doing estate planning. You can try the court system but good luck. Eventually the house will go under probate, but it can take two years. If she was on Medicaid nobody will get anything because the house will help recover "cost of care" -- so the house should have been ladybird quick deeded to you to avoid probate. If it never goes into probate Medicaid cannot touch it. Yes it is a shocker and chances are you are out of luck. When it comes to money you will see the true face of people but do not expect any sympathy. And your OWN FAMILY will stab you in the back.

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My mother might need Medicaid. I noticed that you stated that if the house is "Ladybird quick deed" that medicaid can not touch it. Why? How?
My mother's house is in a "Ladybird quick deed" to me and I live with her & I am scared if she needs medicaid that they will take the house upon her death.

I would appreciate any feed back.
Thank you:)

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Some of the responses are a jolting reminder to me that it really is best to click on a person's profile and go back through a few threads if possible before answering. Wish I had more carefully, for one.

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I’ve been here too and, believe me, caregiving is NOT quality time. Every relative should help, not just the daughter! I have too many stories to share, but you must stand your ground & set your limits! I hope your sibling has a generous heart & will find a way to share.

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They should but they don't. That's why only the POA should be the caregiver and make certain about controlling the property and assets once they pass. SEE an eldercare attorney for estate planning. once they die it's too late.

(4)

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Ask your sister if you can still live in the house or should You just get a lawyer ? Maybe play nice and see if guilt doesn’t get her - why would your mother leave her the house? Knowing you did everything for her?

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The sister sounds avaricious--doubt she gives a rip. Keepingup seems to have been trained over a lifetime to comply. I wish Keepingup would carry a big stick so to speak and be ready to use it.

(2)

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This scenario sounds to familiar for me to not add my 2 cents worth. I happen to be the oldest of 3, my Mom is 83 as well. Dad died almost 20 years ago and before he was laid to rest, my brother had his foot in the door... he wasn't being a responsible adult for any of his actions in life including his child.
I love Mom dearly & I agreed with her wishes, so she let him move in rent free, he has ridden this horse without being held responsible for any of his actions. he doesn't help Mom with 95% of the fiancial obligations and Mom only gets SS. But I have to give him credit for mowing the yard and taking Mom to all her appointments and car rides, and cooks most meals! I am my Mom's POA and EOE and I'm a thousand miles away, I am the only child that has been responsible for my life and career, and I can only go see her once or twice a year. Mom doesn't want to live in a NH, so my brother is her ticket to stay in the house that she and Dad worked hard for all their lives. Keepingup is likely leaving out a big chunk of the story for it to end the way it has! There are a lot of folks who ride the "entitlement" train, but when all is said and done, the shock of riding the "entitlement" train comes to a screeching halt.
So before I play the petty fiddle for Keepingup, there's the other part of the story I need to read...

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I don’t think taking care of your mom and getting her to her appointments and mowing the lawn and probably shopping and cooking etc is exactly an entitlement train -
is your mother able to do these things herself / I’m sure it’s nice for her to have company so many elders are alone.

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I think you have to ask yourself this question. Are you willing to lose another family member over estate. It sound like in many ways you got your inheritance. Being her primary care giver you spent a large amount of time with her. Granted it wasn't all pleasant, but I'm sure a lot of the time is very memorable. I'm sure you could contact an Attorney but you will a large sum in doing that.
The best inheritance a parent can give a child is the quality time spent together, the life of memories that are part of you forever. That's the true inheritance

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Really? It's obvious she was a loving, devoted daughter - she deserves more consideration. Put yourself in her place. She's not only lost the Mother she loved and cared for, but may lose the roof over her head!

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Nothing bonds and nothing divides people as much as money.
KeepingUp, I feel for you. The good old days when families took care of their own were never, except when no money was involved. Kings and paupers fought, murdered, and sinned for money.
From reading here it sounds like you have an attorney helping you. Let him earn his money, MAKE SURE HE REPRESENTS YOUR AND ONLY YOUR INTERESTS (not the estate nor your sister), and brace yourself for emotional suffering and all the legal dark magics. Better yet, don't suffer, accept that you are doing your best, and have hope for the best outcome. Not much else is there to do. Best of luck!

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maybe you could use the eniment domain approach you took care of everything for 10 yrs so it should be yours !!! it takes 7 years for that so you have 3 more years on that // so also get her on care taker fee 24 hours a day X 15.00$$ a hour she should pay that sue her for that ..good caregivers should get 15. $$ a hour

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It never fails to amaze me the level of in fighting the death of a loved one causes. I can't imagine they would want that but it happens everyday. I would firstly talk to your sister calmly and understand her thoughts on the matter. Older people used to leave the family estate to the eldest sibling to manage and they were expected to do the right thing by the rest of the family....however things have changed and families are not always as close as our parents imagine. Speak to your sister face to face first to understand her thoughts and share yours

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I am very much afraid that KeepingUp has no fight left in her, after years of emotional sabotage.

I share your amazement at otherwise normal people's ability to embark on vicious feuds over granny's chipped china cow butter dish but it's not what's happening here.

(5)

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How does your sister feel about this -- does she feel it's fair? Regardless, by all means contest the will! Perhaps the outcome will be that the house has to sell and the proceeds split between you and sister.

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She is very content with the outcome. I am not a "fighter" type of person. I think.the future will be a small condominium, which is fine with my kitty and books and kind friends. I.don't plan on maintaining a relationship with her. There is your family, then there is your family of choice.

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You have two choices. Honor your Moms will or contest it. If you contest it you can probably ask for a portion of the estate for compensation for caregiveing. Google caregiver agreement. Though it may not have been written there may have been an implied agreement.
So it all depends on whether it is worth the pain of court.
You could also let your sister know that given the circumstances you would hope that she would share in the sale of the property. If not you will try and understand and still love her as your sister since that would also be Moms wish.
Pray.

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We all hate to bring up money issues with an elderly loved one. And posibly can't any longer do this, if there is advanced dementia. But it is important to get these issues sorted so that final decisions reflect the wishes of the elder and, hopefully, do the just thing.

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I am sorry to hear this, the same thing happened to my father...taking care of his mother even while working night shift at the post office, taking care of her all day, chauffeuring her around, doctors appointments, food shopping, etc....while his brother lounged around in florida and hawaii. "Take Care of mom" No, I don' t have time...after all that, look who was left all the money...and his brother had the nerve to send him a couple of hundred for his troubles...my father was so shocked he didn't say a word.. he sent the check back....Let Karma take it's course, don't worry one day she will need you and you won't be there....

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Of all the responses I have received, you're was the closest to my last five years. I don't wish I'll of anyone, but karma, if it exists, does have a place here. I have spoken with my sister, she is quite happy with the will. I am the least litigious person on earth, but so many are telling me to get up some gumption and try. Conflicted. Thank you for your thoughts☺

(6)

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Contest the will, that you were not specifically excluded and that you were her caregiver for 10 years, you will prevail.

Your sister has made her self known, do not worry what she thinks.

You deserve to have your home.

I hope you come back and I pray you contest this will.

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This is keepingup. This is my last posting to this living community. First it can't be overstated the kindness and good practical answers I've been lucky to receive. Second if you are a caregiver for a narcissist, please,please remember your needs matter too. God doesn't make mistakes. Third, someone said that 'no one gets out of here alive.' I made the grave mistake of assuming my home with her, maybe assets,didn't know if care how much, would help my future. I was wrong. Pay attention. Have those sometimes tortuous conversations. I love agingcare.com. It is a community, not a cold website. Wish me the best☺

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Oi. Keepingup, this is me and I do not want you to go. Not now, not as you're feeling right now. Stay with us please.

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Okay. I'm trying to put myself in your sister's shoes.

I am an RN. Even from the most cynical of perspectives, that presents me with an accepted set of principles that are not compatible with being a totally unfeeling human being. I'm not a loan shark, I'm not even an actuary. I recognise that monetary value is not the only value.

I am if not already a millionaire then certainly financially secure. And half an estate, or two thirds of an estate, or whatever, would be ample. Would the remainder be worth the cost of being coldly indifferent to my sister's position? - Well! Maybe! If I thought she were a fool. If I thought "she should have thought o' that before."

From reading back, it struck me that your sister had a rather better handle on your mother than you ever did.

And, I don't often say or even think this. But your mother's behaviour towards you: the only word I could find for it, reading back again, is sadistic. And you never did learn, did you.

Now here's a funny thing about wills. There is absolutely no mention of yourself, at all? Not a word? Your name does not appear in the entire document, or any codicil or letter of wishes, anywhere?

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No, my name is not mentioned. Thanks for asking.

(2)

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KeepingUp, are you okay?

Reading back through the threads on your profile page, I think your mother's will may well be a more emotional and messier issue than usual, no?

To be purely practical about it for now, though. Number one, have you been given a copy of the will to read? Number two, has your sister talked to you about it?

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I do have a copy of the will. Our lawyer, Mr. Bowman, seemed surprised as well. He has never met my sister. As to my sister, one of her primary goals has been to retire as a millionnaire. I cannot see her handling me questioning the will in a friendly mannner. So I came here first.

(5)

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Keepingup, since you are saying it was in the will and not a trust, it's going to probate. Challenge it in probate. Another avenue is to assert squatter's rights. Yes, that's really a thing. Whatever you do, don't move out. Squatters can get ownership of a property they squat. At a minimum you should have tenant's rights. Check the laws in your state.

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Thank you so much. I have lived in this home all my life and love it. I do not think she would ask me to move. Howver, jokingly?, in the past she has said she could "get a pretty penny" for it. It's not a mansion, just a three bedroom home. But because I have MS it has hard on the bath, the stairs etc. It is very disability friendly.

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I have a lawyer and have taken my mother there several times. I asked about being paid after 3 1/2 years. She has dementia or I would need to go back to a paying job. The siblings wouldn't have liked me being paid a cheaper rate than a facility so she goes in one in December. You can get rent and a paycheck for caring for your loved one with a lawyer writing it up. However, you can't save it up and come up all of a sudden expecting years of backpay. A judge won't hear of it. Neither would medicaid for those out there as caregivers and you are doing the work for free. If you want compensation, set it up now.

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I would start by sharing your story far and wide. Maybe you can find an attorney that will represent you pro bono. This might be a long shot but it doesn’t hurt to try to get the free help you deserve.
Even if you can’t get help for free I would start searching for an attorney that specializes in issues such as this in the morning.
Maybe your sister can be compelled to settle with something that is fair.
My wife and I was taken advantage of with our first home. A kind attorney negotiated a settlement for free, but we still had to move our furniture on a grocery cart.
May God bless you.

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God bless for your answer. I do have a lawyer, used to go there with mother when she was able, more cogent, years ago now. When he showed me the will, he said, You are Any (my sister) , right? I said no I am Lucy. He looked perturbed, asked, Who is Amy Parcels? Your home, all assets go to her. I think it was my mother's last "joke" on me. Sounds bad, but you had to know her.

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I have no advice, but can I just say that I am sorry that this happen to you. I can feel your pain & betrayal that you must feel.

A year ago, my mom (who I live with) got mad at me for something stupid & took my name off the Quick Deed which would have insured me of getting the house. Had she died right than I would of had to go through probate, which I didn't have the money. Therefore, my BF & I could have become homeless. And my mother wanted us to move in with her in the first place. However, when I found out what she did I simply told her that my BF & I are moving out and I express how hurt & betayed I felt. She change the Quick Deed back into my name.
I feel your pain!
As I was typing this it gave me an idea. Get on google and type register deeds with your city and state. Once you are on the deed page put in your mom's address hit search. You can find out what kind of deed your mom had & who's name is on it. This may not help you, but it is worth a try. For Quick Deeds the person your leaving your house to does not have to sign any paperwork in most states.
You also can go to your city home page and find deeds search. Just thought about the short cut, sorry.

I believe that you got some really good advice here. I pray that things work out for you.

God bless you.

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This is so unjust and Your Mom probably had forgotten She had made Her will before She became ill and You took on the role of Caregiver.
All You can do now is contact the Lawyer Who Your Mom made Her will with and submit Your Bill for Caring for Your Mother for ten years against Her Estate which the Benefichery (Your Sister) will have to pay You out of Your Mothers Estate.

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Thats clever, I hope it works, but sounds like It could be a costly legal battle. So sad that family is awful for some people, but other families are happy, they help each other, & have fun together. (It's a world of difference in our quality of life, the type of family we have). Children can't choose their families of course, only God can do that, but a cruel family is a guaranteed life of struggle,(which I know firsthand). So sorry for the betrayal you suffered, it hurts terribly to be rejected or counted worthless by our parent. Please work hard to believe that God loves you, & cling to that love, no matter what. ✌

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That sounds so unfair--wouldn't take this lying down. Start with a consultation with the best attorney you can find in order to get an idea of what can be done. Then try to work it out with your sister so that both of you can avoid legal fees. Good luck.

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Thank you Davina. I have a lawyer who said my mother was cogent when she made these decisions. My sister is very happy with decision, wants no argument. I am going to get my attorney. Everyone in my community knew I was Patricia's caregiver, she could be difficult, made sure all her needs were met. I want to ask them about it, but don't want to bother them. Thanks so much again.

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My 83 yr. old mother passed away two months ago. How do I handle surprise that the estate, incl. house we lived in, is left to my sister?

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