I've just met a guy in our 6th months of relationship. He is 43 and I'm 32 yet our chemistry and connection is beyond depth. The more I get connected to him; I do see his devotion to take care of his parents as he lives with them under same roof. Here's where I need support in the concept of caretaker and being in relationship.
Background: The house in Berlin, Germany was built by his father but eventually developed a disease that led to full time on wheelchair with dissolving muscles over the years. His scene requires someone to watch him, prepare all meals, assist with nature calls that goes in a bag, uses special machines to lift his body on and off the bed. Consistent therapy to keep his legs moving. Long list to name even further, basically 24/7 care. The mother is in pretty good health in her 70’s however she has high fear to drive or fly for many years so my boyfriend drives her around or she takes the bus. In Europe, bus/train system is pretty good but still dependent on my boyfriend due to comfort zone of going from site 1 to the site 2 onwards.
Background continued: my boyfriend mentioned he moved in with them 2 years ago since he landed good job with Government which is only 15 mins train ride from his childhood home. For most of his life he had his own pathway so he said he felt it’s time to give back to his parents. On top of that it is extremely hard to find apartments to rent and/or buy so he rather to continue living at his parents since it’s pretty comforting place of 5 bedrooms, garden full of food, fruit trees, serenity neighborhoods and he has his own basement with full of office, studio and beyond. He mentioned it wouldn’t be nearly possible to find that comfort anywhere else in Berlin if he relocates.
So on a final note; from my observation it’s truly hard for me to visualize myself joining him and his life like that way as a new girlfriend. Two weeks was the only longest duration I slept over so am trying to analyze this experience. Pros; getting to know his fantastic parents with full of stories. Cons; seeing my boyfriend being the “son” role around his parents with different language use. Seeing him having full mindset of constant care once he enters back in their house differ than the fun joy boyfriend I spend the full day with at downtown. With that experience I told him bluntly which made him to realize to look at himself outside of box, out of his nutshell of his own reality. But then that was brief as he prefers to return back to his “act of love routines” on daily basis. Is it a greed of myself to feel like he deserve life of his own while he felt he is obliged to give back to his parents in this chapter of his life as a 43 years old childless man who wants to become a father.
I’m getting the hints that he would like to try see if I could move in. What about our future? Is this family coexisting possible? Is it better if I just head out of this relationship sooner since my intuition feel lot of fear or should I dive in deeper to give this a try?
Also, do not bear a child simply because of your biological clock. Unless you feel ready and able to be a single parent. Do you have the required resources ? Financial, Emotional, and so much more. You have two very separate issues. Whether to move in and become more involved(#1), and bearing a child(#2). Don’t combine them in your mind.
You ask about an exit plan. Just be truthful. If you truly love him exactly as the situation is now, MAYBE keep seeing him. But don’t expect that his priorities will change for you. It sounds like you have a beautiful “dream” in your mind, but it’s a fantasy. If you don’t put your needs first, he certainly won’t either. It’s not selfish at all to make major decisions according to your own needs. Unfortunately too many people, mostly women (but not only) believe they need to please others first, as a way of life. That’s a dangerous belief, and a set up for an unsatisfactory life of pleasing others. I did it for way too long myself. I so wish someone had told me this 50 years ago.
Best of luck to you !
Thank you for making me realize the fact of 6 month versus 20 years time span. It is just surreal when I feel stuck on something, it is hard to think clearly. Glad I came here on this platform, truly. The love I received with him and being seen/understood is incredible as a love spark but I need to stand my ground and see if he will too. I'll kindly decline his offer and see where the relationship goes lightly. Thank you for saying that I'm not selfish for thinking that way. This kind of experience is the first time being in a situation over the concept of "time" where everybody doesn't have the capability to increase longevity in their life. It is all up to us to decide how we will want to spend our time with to final breath.
Advice of yours taken deeply, yes. I'll stand my grounds, much stronger because of your advices and among others here as well.
Noted. You sure gave me an abundance of strength to do so. I'll stand my ground and kindly decline this pathway. I'll see the truth coming out of him I think somehow seeing if he still will have a future with me or spend rest of his life with his parent.
Best to use logics, not feelings. Feelings will cloud your judgement.
First, confirm with him what he wants:
A wife, a companion, a sex partner, someone to bear and raise his children?
A housekeeper, a cook, a laundry maid, and a gardener?
A nurse, a caregiver, a driver, a minder for his parents?
And someone to share the household expenses to have the above privileges? Tell him to be honest.
Ask him what he offers: half of a bed in the basement, sex, what else?
Tell him what your dreams are: a loving partner who has the time to spend with you. A love nest just for two. Couple privacy without interference from parents. Time for yourself, time for him, a career, which country you want to live in, etc?
Tell him he can't give you what you want because he will have to abandon his parents. Absolutely, you don't want him to do that on your account because he will resent you and his parents will hate you.
Tell him you can't give him what he wants either because you will be miserable living that life,
It's pretty clear to me, an outsider with no vested interest. What she wants VERY DIFFERENT from what he wants. No meeting of the minds. No deal.
If his parents ask, you can tell them that at this point in your life, what you want and what he wants are very different. You can't build a life together. Tell them their son is a great person, and they are great people and that you were glad to have known them, and that you wish them the best.
As for your question regarding how long you wait, no I don't recommend you wait any time at all. You are wasting time with the wrong person. Also, the longer you stay, the more you invest emotionally, the more stuck you will be. No, no, no. Get out now.
You can remain his friend if you wish, but make it clear to him you and he don't have a future together.
You are in your 30s, not too old but not too young either. Live your dream, keep yourself free and available for the right guy. Don't settle. Being single is better than being miserable.
To your first two paragraphs:
-Yes he is quite an intelligent man but in a sticky situation. As mentioned his parents aren't going to move out of the house that they customized built for and the abundance of food they are getting from their garden. They persisted to make the house accessible for the father's situation. He did bring up this topic couple of times and I know he knows. I think he does this as a temporary bandaid until the next solution comes up but my feelings are shouting a big NO. So, thats why I came here to be with you all for validation.
Thank you for those questions listed which are helpful! I know he wants a wife to live with, have his own family and start having children. Right now, his focus is trying to make "life better" for his parents in their house as he thinks he will reach the finish line by breaking the ribbon but he wouldn't through my eyes. They just keep adding the to-do list after two or three are crossed off...
Sorry I had to laugh at the half-bed sentence. Actually, he is the opposite of what you may think. He offers so much comfort to me as a respectful woman in their house out of love. I think during the two weeks he hopes to show me the raw side of their situation which is pretty obvious.
Noted! I'll roam onwards! What if he drops everything with his parents and make a big leap in finding his own place? Does that change anything?
Of course, that changes things. But seriously, what's the chance of that? Realistically? How and when would that happen? 2 yrs, 5 years, 10 years? I think you are dreaming. I think you're too emotionally involved to see things objectively. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd be shocked if he dropped his parents and moved out.
Yes, he's a very nice guy and treats you with respect, but that's the minimum requirement. You shouldn't date any guy that doesn't treat you well. But you need more than great personality to make things work. He's got too much baggage, and he doesn't have the time, nor the space. He wants to be a father, but he doesn't even have time to be a husband.
You said his mom is in good health. So, maybe his dad might go to a nursing home sooner due to his very poor health and his extreme medical needs. That does not mean mom is going to move out, too. She probably will stay in the house until she can't possibly stay anymore. That could be 5 yrs, 10 years, 15 years?
If you somehow can convince him to leave his parents, how do you think he would feel? How would his parent feel? If you, as a non-relative, feel guilty for not wanting to join the family and become their caregiver, how guilty do you think the son would feel abandoning them? And to his parents, you would become public enemy #1.
If you leave him, it may motivate him to really take a look at his life choices. If he decides to make changes, those will be on him, not you. If he doesn't make any changes, that tells you that he's committed to his parents' care. That's selfless of him but it costs him dearly. Just know if you stay, you will have to pay the price,, too.
In your latest reply, you don't sound too sure about exiting. I'll refer you back to my very first post in which I predict your future with 99% accuracy. Most women won't believe it until they live it. Me included. So, I won't fault you for not believing. I am just giving you warnings.
Similar but different..
A woman I know dated a younger man. She knew the age difference. She hoped he would one day be ready for marriage & fatherhood.
Many people warned her. But she loved him & waited.
Years went by & they split.
He later married someone else & became a father (he was ready by then).
She was by then too old to have children.
Love is not enough when the partners are at very different life stages or travelling at very different speeds.
Thank him & say goodbye.
That was the advice given to that woman & the advice I stand by here. If you want marriage & children, look elsewhere.
Current strategy: continue being his support. Show up with compassion when I visit 2 weeks upcoming soon then 1 week during another month. Stand my ground by declining the move-in anticipation of his. Softly encourage him to start to consider full caretaker solutions instead of him. Softly reminds himself that his life/time is really running out if he still pursues the dream to become a father. The age gap scares me sometimes too.
That's it. The reason why I prefer the compassionate method is that it is just who I am. Maybe I came into his life for a reason and so he is in my life for a reason. For the next 10, 20, or 30 years? Probably not. Hugs! Be in touch, yes!
Then it can't also be the time to become a father.
How often do you actually see him, with your living in the UK and him in Berlin?
Who is going to take care of his parents while the two of you are in South Korea for three weeks? And what happens if one of his parents has an emergency either before or during that planned trip?
Valid - absolutely true. I've aborted the move-in as well. Letting this relationship lightly float to somewhere else unless something pops up with an alternative plan.
We see each other a minimum of biweekly and I work remotely so we were able to do frequent getaways. It is becoming slightly tiring after 6 months of new fling- we both start to feel the urge to start to be together in the "reality" phase. Hence the reason why he asked to see if I could move in then I chickened out and stumbled upon this forum by Google then all of you magically showed up. Universe's blessings, absolutely.
He has developed some form of alternative care for the last two years when he moved in since he can't do it all by himself when he needs to make some out-of-city trips. His brother also lives nearby but he has hefty work hours and I clearly can see he did have his own priorities first but still does comes to take care of his parents when an emergency comes up. Ah, good question regarding the vacation trip; I'd guess his brother will take care of it until my BF returns as he is the sole power of attorney for both of his parents.
While typing it all; I do feel he has so much on his plate. Unfortunately, he doesn't see how much potential he has to build his own future. Saddening also to see his parents don't really want alternatives other than staying in the house they built themselves in. Just surreal.
As you seem open to receiving blunt responses - I´m just going to go with that theme. I consider myself a very compassionate person. I would give most people the shirt off of my back. I have done a lot of things over my lifetime with intent, not for credit, often in secret - not for any reward but because I wanted to help. That is not to pat myself on the back whatsoever, but to establish that I actually enjoy helping people, volunteering my time, taking care of people, my family, my friends. It took me a long time to actually learn the word ¨no¨. I´ve got the built in nurturer gene.
But I have met my match. And he has bested me. We have been caregiving in partnership with my DH´s sister (SIL) and her DH (BIL) who are live in caregivers for FIL now for about 8-10 years (I have honestly lost count now). MIL died 12 years ago. At first I had a lot of compassion for my FIL. To me he was an elderly, unhappy old man, the father to my husband, who had lost his wife. I had known him for YEARS. But I clearly didn´t know HIM at all. Underneath the surface, what he showed to most people in short visits, family get togethers, church socials etc was a different man. Because what he really is - is a true narcissist who needs the world to revolve around him and will suck the absolute life out of anyone who has the misfortune to be sucked into his orbit.
I am ashamed to admit - nearly every ounce of compassion I have is gone. I can work up a little bit every once in a while. But what lives strongly is resentment, anger, rage. I develop a migraine every single time I know we have to be around him. We are going to see him later today - the migraine has already set in. Part of this is a me problem - a lot of it is him - I know too much about him now - the past history that my DH and his sister had repressed by not spending time with their father, the way he treats people when you spend time with him.
Why do I tell you all of this? Honestly - had we not become hands on caregivers - I do not think I would feel this way. I would not be this immersed in his life and I would not know the things I know. I would not see the REAL way he treats my DH - not the surface way he treats him in front of other people he wants to impress - but the real way he treats him behind closed doors. I would not have to stamp down rage in order to be a good person and pray myself through conversations with him and help to make appropriate decisions that are meant to benefit him. We are caregiving for him, so I have to remove myself from the way I feel and instead put on the caregiver hat, push aside the bad feelings and muster up the ounce of compassion I do still have to make the types of decisions I would hope would be made for my own father. I mentally have to remove him from the equation and remind myself that I am helping a person period. Not someone that has caused so much pain to our family.
I know this is a strong example - but you have to know that when you are a caregiver, you are going to see EVERYTHING about someone. And if you choose to live with them, there is nothing you won´t see. And nothing you won´t DO before it is over with. Mark my words.
Responding to your second paragraph. We are definitely holding the same personality. There are so much more multilayers that are not mentioned in my first post since trying to keep it short on this forum approach. One thing I could add is that I did take care of my mother briefly before she flew up due to a disease that took her life. During that phase, I felt tremendous guilt for not being there close by while I had to be in other places to strive in my career. Looking back to those chapters; I could have done differently. So, with those experiences I could see my BF going through the same, returning to his parents wasn't the initial plan but due to his high-ranking job offer and with his childhood house being only 15 mins train away. So it is no brainer for him to ditch them and try to find 500 something square feet apartment dealing with a bidding war and do everything on his own. As of right now, it is a smart move for him to move in (only 2 years ago before I met him 6 months ago) but then yes, I can see he became quite comfortable. Massive place. Garden with an abundance of food. His mom still cooks incredible traditional meals. But it is still going to go downhill from that point anyway and my presence makes him realize the truth. Thank you for mentioning the "art of NO" and standing grounds. We have each other to support that part.
Responding to your third paragraph; I'm happy you have met your match! It's truly hard to have mental health like that as you mentioned regarding your husband's father. I'd imagine how much you have also learned along the way.
Responding to your fourth paragraph; sending a virtual hug. Your preliminary body signal is rooted in protecting yourself from what I understand. If you are experiencing this- it is certain places, people, or environments that you should avoid. A reminder to ourselves, our bodies know better than ourselves.
Responding to your fifth paragraph; I feel *goosebumps* reading this. All of your feelings are valid. I have only been in that house of his for 2 weeks. Your writing makes me realize; there is so much more behind the door when I'm not there. My BF calls me almost every day and when he shares his day, he is overly optimistic, to be honest. Yes, he felt a bit frustrated but on a minimal level. It is just incredible to just sit, listen and try to support him. I mean, it has been only approaching to end of his 2nd year back in his childhood house. I'm pretty sure it still will all be downhill from this point anyway. BlueEyedGirl94, I hope there is some kind of solution to your situation, perhaps some kind of break in between just for you both. Your courage to manage your emotions is beyond comprehension - it is a high skill of thinking capabilities to adjust yourself in situations like that. I don't think I even have that kind of skill at all.
Responding to your 6th paragraph: Yes. Noted. I'm not going to move in that is for sure and that decision was validated by everybody here. It is just incredible how much you all really shifted my life. I'm joining you on the "mark my words" yes!
Indeed determined that I wouldn't move-in after reading everybody's messages which really helped me to stand with a clear head with strength. I also felt it is a good idea to keep floating through the relationship since the feelings were so mutual. I would take it easy with him and see where the relationship is going for the next few months. Be in touch. Feel free to write anything. Like I told others here that coming here was a life-changing steering me to right direction. I couldn't fathom asking my inner circle members otherwise they will spend hours worrying. ;)
You did say he didn't have any response when you asked what his plan was in the next few years. Either he has no clue what he's gonna do or he doesn't have the answer that you want to hear.
Have you told him you would not move in, no way, no how? If so, what was his response?
Men in general are more logical in their thinking. Not all men are, but most. They can compartmentalize sex from their feelings, but women usually bond with the guys they have sex with. Again in general. You are at a greater risk of getting hurt emotionally after ___ months dating and having sex with him.
If he is a logical thinker like most guys are, I suspect two things:
If he is serious about finding a wife and caregiver for his parents, then after he knows for certain that he won't be able to convince you to join the family, he might break up with you. Why waste more time? That's the logical thinking.
If he's not that serious about finding a wife/caregiver, and he doesn't break up with you even after knowing you won't join his family, then he probably thinks "Well, I'm just in this for good sex and companionship. I'm not going to marry her. No commitment needed. Just going along and have a good time as long as it lasts."
Meanwhile, you're spending months (which may turn into years) hoping to change his mind and heart, but it's your heart that will shatter when the relationship ends. It hurts too much to break up, so you'll just stay.
You should know what his view of the relationship is and where you stand. Ask clearly and directly if you want a clear and direct answer.
I wish some of our male posters would join in and give their perspectives.
Response to 2nd/3rd/4th paragraph: My **current** best guess is the fact that his father's health is unpredictable right now, with a slightly noticeable downfall more than before with his daily capabilities. He is trying to figure out, facing the "truth" right now. Fairly the same time when I came on this forum so it's a blessing to receive all of your validations.
We both know we do not want to live in Berlin for the rest of our life. Our life dreams go beyond than staying in the city but we don't know the pathway to reach that just yet which is normal for 6 months long dating phase...One thing we both know we want to be in each other's life somehow. He is quite a compassionate person on the spectrum more further than logistical from what I can see so far. I think it is just that he had his "head-in-the-direction" with his biggest (and highest) career advancement, and relocated to his parent's home all within only almost 2 years ago (during covid phase as well) so then our paths crossed with our hearts lit on fire unplanned.
I have zero prior knowledge of who he is nor what he does for me- an entirely new trail of the abundance of networking opportunities for both of us to gain from each other as well. I'm more comfortable trying to keep "*drifting*" through the relationship and navigate how he will determine for the next 2-3 or maybe 4 months. I also want to recognize that he is indeed logistical for inviting me to be part of his chapter "while it last" with his parents but at same time I can tell he finds this as temporary solution just to continue being with me + an opportunity for me to know his parents more. But how long will that "temporary solution" be?
Yeah, on the bottom line, I'll let it ride through the spring/summer season! Be in touch!
- 6 months is very little time to know someone, and really in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Sadly, I'll give you an example. A niece got engaged to be married and moved in with someone she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life. It was an amazing relationship and she would know she said, since she just got divorced a few years before from an unhappy marriage. So, they got engaged, she moved in, and the first month was amazing. They fixed up his house with her sharing the cost (and a little more I think), until he told her that she needed to move out and had a long list of grievances against her. He also wasn't even a parental care giver either. Folks can be anyone they want to be and well behaved for 6 months.
- I think it's kind of strange that after only 6 months, he would want you to move in since he hardly knows you either. That's why there are background checks for caregivers, if you think about it. To expose your parents (or kids) to a live in someone you hardly know, seems strange to me too.
- I don't think the age thing matters so much. I'm older than my honey. My Mom was older than my Dad. But you must have shared wishes, without holding the other back.
-It doesn't seem to me that you folks communicate particularly well. Thinking what you think the other person wants, doesn't cut it.
-30's isn't so old now a days to have kids either. I was in a profession where most women were in graduate school....and often didn't have kids until later. Don't rush this either.
- Also, your bf might be the one for you, but rushing is not a good sign for either of you. It's never a good sign. From my experience, something is brewing when rushing a relationship is involved.
- Once you move in even after the next 6 months as you mentioned, it's going to be really difficult to extricate yourself from the situation. You're primary relationship should be with him first. Don't muddle relationships to keep you there (But they need me, But he needs me to help, But his parents are great, But, But, But,...)
Just a few thoughts. Good luck!
PS: Just read that you will be taking it easy and not moving in for several months. That's good news.
Your first paragraph reminds me that everybody can/will evolve during different chapters of their life. It is quite intimidating and hard work to be in the dating world, indeed. I hope "the niece" is having support in her inner circle through this.
Second paragraph: yes I was honored actually...I guess sometimes when two souls meet; they just clicked. It happened to us. He learned I've done a lot of nanny tasks before, a natural helper, and especially learned that I did have lengthy caretaker time with my mother until the second she flew up. The feelings were potent and mutual. They felt and knew I hold no grain of judgment in me as well but see everything through love. I'm not always perfect but I do strive to...
Third paragraph: thank you for highlighting the age gap. He is actually a triathlon goer and in better shape than I am. Life is a gamble and unpredictable; I mean who knows I'm the one that will cross the rainbow sooner. Those do help me to diminish the age-gap thoughts that others have towards us.
Fourth paragraph: yes we haven't had a deep dialogue about it yet regarding financial, daily needs, and such. We just lightly had this topic drifting and then I felt the urge to find some safe space just to chat it out without asking my inner circle since it will cause worrisome more than necessary for them.
5th/6th paragraph: Noted. Thank you for reminding me. I'm in the stage where everybody keeps highlighting the "biological clock" *sighs* but yeah, I remind them of the fact that I can choose my husband but my kids can't choose their father.
Last paragraph: indeed true. I had this intuition feeling there is no "win-win" situation in this actually. I sometimes do wonder what other men think/experience about this whether they even think in advance whether this will prolong their capabilities to date and find a potential lover?....
Yes, 6 months check mark. We have several plans for "togetherness" until the end of August so let's see how it goes. If he brings up the "move-in" dialogue then I'll gently highlight some main points that were shared by you all here and use "I feel" statements and ask what he feels/think. I'll stand on my grounds strong on the decision of not moving in, absolutely.
Truly a sad situation for someone quite special like him.
I know a women who was abused by her husband and eventually divorced him. She was not looking to marry again but did and I asked her why. Because he (widower) took care of his former MIL who was a widow. I know he did because his MIL lived next door to my parents. He checked up on her even built her a ramp. She felt if he took care of his former MIL like that, he would take care of her. They must be married at least 30yrs by now. He is a sweet man.
We are not in your shoes. We have told you all the obstacles you may face. So you now can go into this with open eyes. In the end, this may all work out for you. But remember, you have needs too. That you both need to take time out for each other. He also needs to realize that there will come a time caring for his parents will get overwhelming. Neither of you should quit your jobs and jeopardize your futures for his parents. Please, just take it slow, and get to really know each other. This is a huge decision. Have patience. I didn't early in my 20s and have always wondered how things would have worked out if I had been patent. I am happy to say, my life worked out for the better, but I do wonder. Good Luck and please update us.
Noted! I know I absolutely cannot fathom giving up my job which leads to my own identity/desires/ambitious traits being flushed down. I'll always remain independent in sense of finances and such. I think he just thought of this as a temporary method to keep our relationship going on a daily basis instead of continuing the long-distance method without actually thinking out of all of those details.
Thank you for sharing the story in your second paragraph. Hope is such a powerful capability for humans to hold on tightly. *long deep sigh.
Thank you for your third paragraph. The more we (the BF and I) had dialogues it is mostly about his parents. I gently reminded him if there is anything else according to himself, solely just himself. He realized he didn't...I think I am also a guiding point for him to realize what he put himself in. I'll give it another 6 months while keeping my "eyes remaining" open for new potential if I need to stop growing my love for him...I truly do hope not.
Yes, I will keep you updated and everybody else here. You got my word on it.
Thank you for the direct messages which I do take each of your words in deeply. I'll steer this relationship much slower pace and see what his further actions would be which will unfold a lot of truth sooner.
I thought of giving some updates here after a long solo walk today, so I hope this is the right place to reach out to most of you somehow since coming on this site was one of the most pivotal support received from 45 of you, anonymously back in February with straightforward opinions. I want to thank you all again for that.
So, we are still in the relationship, in our 9th month of togetherness which was spectacular. We continue to deepen our bond, especially when we travel around. Yes, I returned to visit his parent's house to spend two weeks (which marks one month of 3 different visitations.)
Yesterday, a friend of his visited for two days with all of us. A lot of answers were unfolded because he unintentionally asked a lot of personal questions that I wanted to ask but couldn't directly. The parents clearly answered that they have their son as the primary caretaker and are not interested in having "professional support" beyond drop-in bathing service. Their next five years plan is to continue expanding their house to be accessible with a bigger living room slash sunroom, two decks, new windows, and a driveway, and make the first-floor bathroom complete in the case when they need to use the first-floor converted into a bedroom too.
Those two days, full of dialogue about that topic, were a painful scene to see because it's technically holding him back from having his own life as he needs to have some downpayment for his own condo, and with me, as his girlfriend sitting in the same room, hoping to grow a new life together while parents are beyond the stage where they need to start downsizing instead, they are upsizing everything. His friend had a slight glance at me, wondering what and how I could come into the picture too and I validate his vibe by shifting the spotlight back to something else before he ask me any direct questions about what I would do.
I could write much longer, but that's all I wanted to say. All of this is just painful to even write about as an empathic person where I keep finding myself respecting their wishes as they do not have much time left and the other side feeling it is incredibly unfair to do all of this for their son.
I also realize this is not between me and his parent but all on my boyfriend to decide. Any advice regarding for me to support him through this while I am making my own exit? Next week, we both will fly to South Korea for three weeks, and then I'll return back to London and he back to his. I, honestly, do not want to bring up this topic any soon but hold off until after this trip to really enjoy being "in the present moment" and gently simmer down, making no further plans or?
Thank you in advance for your upcoming words; remaining straightforward.
Kindly,
M
His mother could easily have +25 more years.
Why couldn't you ask him directly (yet diplomatically)? You seem to use "waiting for the right/perfect time" as an excuse to avoid dealing with this and making a decision. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to move on if that's what you really want. Maybe being an "empath" is a disadvantage here... you don't want to cause him pain but if you stay and are assumed into caregiving along with him you may BOTH be in lots of pain eventually.
I've known my husband since I was 18. We've been married for 41 years. Many other responders on your post are similar. If you don't heed our advice born from actual experience then I don't know what to say (we've managed care for 5 people over the age of 85 and not done yet).
If you stay with him you will be #2 priority until both his parents pass (and that can be a very long time). It will be stressful. He will be manipulated by guilt and obligation (and it has already begun). He will be managing a complicated and expensive expansion project for his parents, besides working his own job. Eventually he won't be able to travel if his parents refuse outside help. He doesn't seem to have much of a spine to stand up for your relationship and doesn't seem to be an "empath" when it comes to you. What about any of this makes hope spring eternal in your heart for a future together? Too many cons and not enough pros.
There will never be a perfect time to break the news to him. A "gradual" break-up is basically not really a break-up and you'll just feel sorrier and sorrier for him. You leaving may be the wake-up call he needs to break free and become his own man (and *that's* the man you want... not a puppet).
If you cannot discuss things pre-marriage that is a MAJOR RED FLAG
Be certain to read the update from OP Monica below.
Monica,
Such a fantastic story, this, and I do thank you for your update. I hope that people coming to this February thread see your update.
I can only say this to you. You have been with this man now a FEW times over 9 months in a relationship complicated more than I can imagine.
AND YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO ASK THE QUESTIONS THAT MUST BE ASKED.
Think about that a moment before you read on.
A family FRIEND had to ask the questions FOR YOU.
No more need to be said.
But I'll add this. You ALREADY KNOW this will be a disaster. Yet your affection for this good and decent man is allowing you to keep your blinders in place.
You know EVERYTHING. You have visited. You have had a family friend letting you know all you're afraid to ask, all you should be talking about with your boyfriend as both of you remain silent about them.
You will make your choice. I will wish you the very best of luck. And will tell you that someone once told me that in the beginning of a relationship, before we marry, we KNOW already what will END that relationship. For me that proved absolutely true.
But between that beginning and that end there was a whole lifetime of torment.
I advise you to remain friends and to not move in, whatever else you do. Move to Germany, get a job, be a supportive friend, and don't be surprised if he marries a caregiver.
I am certain that's terrible advice to hear. Know that I wish the best for you and am thinking only of your well-being in this. And that I acknowledge I could be wrong. But what I know of life for 81 years tells me I am likely NOT wrong here.
Your boyfriend's family is holding him hostage via "fear, obligation and guilt". It's a nasty thing to do to an adult child.
Boyfriend needs to pull up his adult briefs and say "no mom, no dad; I'm not your retirement plan. I want to marry this beautiful woman and have a life of my own."
Wouldn't you be able to say that you YOUR parents if the shoe was on the other foot?
Perhaps the friend's visit was a setup so you could hear the truths you are too polite to ask.
The family friend (update) has tried to make it CLEAR AS CRYSTAL to our OP.
But caregiving might be easier in Germany than here. There might be more support and services than here in the States. It sucks here. It might be doable and you might be able to handle it.
You and you alone know that answer. I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.
PS I was in Berlin in February. I loved it. Wonderful city.
I believe that there are no coincidences. Things happen for a reason.
All along, your intuition has been warning you. Then you found us. That was no coincidence either. We all warned you repeatedly of what your future would be if you joined the boyfriend's family. Now, you heard it directly from the horses' mouths.
It was no coincidence that a friend came and asked a lot of questions that you have been wanting to ask but couldn't. From the parents' answers, you now know their future plans. They made their future plans as well as their adult son's future plans.Their son's life and happiness are not their concerns. If you stick around, they will plan your future too. In their little universe, they're the center, and the son is just a caregiver orbiting around to serve them for the next 10-20 years. You know in your heart that you don't want to join this circus.
Your concern now is how to gently end the relationship. You are a sweet and kind person, and you don't want to hurt your boyfriend. However, you are looking at things from your perspective. Now, try to put yourself in his head. Warning, this may sound harsh. Intentionally or unintentionally, your boyfriend is using you. He is using you now for some R & R, and hope to lure you in to replace him as the primary caregiver for his parents. He knows all about his parents' future plans but intentionally doesn't tell you. He knows he can't build a separate life with you the way you and he want, yet he keeps stringing you along. In his little universe, you are there to make him happy and to hopefully take on his caregiving burden. He is using you for his benefit the same way his parents are using him for their benefit. Do you think if a guy truly loved you, he would do this to you?
I hope you can see things from this perspective. That should help make it a little easier to break up with him.
Many times in my life, I've received information that was unexpected. Maybe it was dropped into a chance conversation. Maybe it wasn't a chance conversation at all. I now see that people didn't want to confront the problem with me so they maneuvered the conversation around to a point where they could drop in what they thought I needed to know. That's what has happened to you with this family friend.
One such case with me was at my child's wedding. A very old lady came over to me and chatted, and suddenly she said, "You know they are a very close family, don't you?" Of course I did, and I said so. I thought they were a wonderful large family. Later I learned that this closeness worked to exile outsiders, and a person who married into it was an outsider. The marriage ended in divorce (as it needed to), but then I understood why this older woman said what she did. She meant to warn me but didn't want to say anything disloyal to this family she'd known all her life. I didn't understand her comment in its context until after the bad things happened.
You have been given a gift that is leading you to more insight about the situation. The friend's questions may not have been as unintentional as you think.
There are people who help us along the way. Take them seriously.
Good luck to you.
And you know that, don't you?
You are still very much in the 'honeymoon stage' of dating, when everything seems possible and doable.
During my dating/engagement with my DH, a LOT, and I mean A LOT of people gently warned me about DH's crazy mother and how manipulative she was and how much she hated me. I was all of 19, dewy eyed and madly in love.
SEVERAL times he made decisions based on what his MOM wanted. Yes, we were 'just' engaged, but it was weird. I returned the engagement ring 3 times...
We did marry and it was exactly what everyone had warned me about. My DH is a delightful man, kind of difficult to live with, but we forged ahead and created a wonderful family. BUT...
His mother has ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS been a rock in the road. She'd call needing something and no matter what--he'd jump and run. She was so mean to me, still is, I actually went no contact with her 3+ years ago. She is now 93 yo and so slowly dying of old age. My DH and his 2 sibs do 100% of the CG she needs b/c she DEMANDS it and they will not say no.
Not too long ago DH asked me if I had truly known how awful she was going to be, would I have married him. I probably answered a little too quickly "Absolutely not." He felt bad, but it's too late to mend this.
You future MIL could EASILY live 20 more years, Years in which you will want to be growing your own family, and you won't be able to be a true couple, b/c mom and dad will ALWAYS be there.
If that's fine with you, then continue on.
Your BF has some lovely qaulities, but sadly, also seems to be kind of blind.
Good parents raise their kids to be able to fly---not to sit in the nest forever.
Your kids who currently do not exist would be in their 30s!!
WHY couldn’t I have a sweet Mom?
I think you also know now that you need to find someone who will clearly put first the family he makes with you, not the one he came from. Yes, aging parents need care, but care takes many forms and your current boyfriend has allowed his folks to quash his future by not making his own life a priority. It sounds selfish, but really, if a yoong person can't make their own life, what will they do when their parents are gone? Grow up at age 50 or 60?
You leaving may be the incentive your boyfriend needs to make a life change for himself. If he does, great, but I don't think you should cave in and go back. He'll have a lifetime of obedience to overcome, and if he doesn't get therapy, the chances he'll end up caregiving again are pretty high. Let him find his own way.
Breakups don't have to be ugly. Clearly you care for him and admire much about him. Tell him so, but stand firm and go live your own life.