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He is absolutely heartbroken that I am married to my husband and not him. He keeps asking how to make things right between us, and crying about it. I have tried to redirect him, deflect his comments, explain how I’m his daughter, and his wife has died. He was married to my Mom for 25 years then divorced, and was married to his 2nd wife for 35 yrs. I think the fact that I have had to do personal grooming/bathing for him lately started this delusion (dad is very modest). I am looking for any help I can get regarding this!

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Perhaps hiring an aide for bathing a few times a week would help. A male aide would be a good idea , but may not be as easy to find . You could check with some homecare agencies .
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Reply to waytomisery
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This isn't advice; it's just sharing a funny personal anecdote in this regard, and we all need a little humor, especially when dealing with Alzheimer's. My mother-in-law, who had Alzheimer's, often thought that my husband (her son) was her (late) husband, and that he was having an affair, with me! We were once visiting her in her Memory Care unit, she pointed at me and then told him to "get that heifer out of here." I left her room and went into the communal living area and didn't say anything at the time, but when Hubby and I got back into the car, I let him have it. I told him, "How dare she call me a heifer. X number of extra pounds does not a heifer make, and even if they did, it was a rude thing for her to say," and then he explained her delusuion and confusion about him being her husband and his "unfaithfulness," and "heifer" was her term for "the other woman, (not a pudgy one), to which I replied, "Gee, thanks." Isn't that sad that I'd rather be known as a home-wrecker, than a woman with a middle aged spread. That's what society does to us, or sometimes, what we do to ourselves. You'll be happy to know that after all this time, I've put "heifer" behind me. (Just ask my hips.) I found that writing about these incidents helped. My musings became a book,"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (My mom also had Alzheimer's, and she and my dog were diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time, and I was the caregiver for both; hence, the title) Like you, I tried to deflect when situations like this occurred, and now, I can reflect, and like others have said, it can be a somewhat common delusion. I have no answers, only empathy.
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Reply to rlynn123
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Stop doing his personal grooming and bathing
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Reply to anonymous144448
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I fully realize it is hard to live in their alt-realities. However, it does NO GOOD to try to correct him and explain to him. Your Dad can no longer process it. As long as your Dad doesn't attempt anything physical just go along with his reality. Try to make pleasant chat with his responses. If it is physical gestures, I agree, it may be time for personal hygiene help. My wife's son died 2 yrs ago. She can't process his death. So whatever she says about him 'not visiting', I just go with the flow and make general conversation like "I don't know why he hasn't come to see you; he DID move away. Maybe his new job keeps him busy." Things of that nature. In your case, if your Dad says he loves you in a marital way, just say what his wife would have said. Like 'You Ole man, of course I love you!' To try and correct him just leads to more confusion.
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Reply to NoTree
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CaringBee Dec 12, 2024
Wow, that play on the brain to pretend… now we understand that the caregiver desperately needs a respite to function in true reality, versus pretend reality with dementia. But I understand your advice to avoid the dad’s confusion & repeated questioning. Deep sigh….
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There really is no help.
This is extremely common in later stage of dementia.
I think that the best thing you can do is educate yourself by online research on the disease and by watching a whole ton of Teepa Snow videos about communicating with elders with dementia (youtube, still, I do believe). Also consider getting some books on the subject.

There will come a time when it is really not sustainable to attempt to do in home care. When visits are better for yourself AND for the person suffering this disease. I think you may be coming to that conclusion yourself, and only you can make the decision in that regard. Other than that there is the simple and repetitive "No Dad, I am not _____; I am _________". Won't work for any amount of time, but there you are.
I am so sorry.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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CaringBee Dec 12, 2024
Hello AlvaDeer. Do you know of a good book to share with my mother-in-law (86) about dementia? She’s an avid reader (of mystery & war history). Thought it might help her understand what her husband is slowly but surely experiencing in early stage of dementia. Dad did not get an official diagnosis, so to her, dementia will be an interesting subject to read about & maybe help her deal with the current changes. They will be moving & downsizing into an Assisted Living home. Thank you.
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The person may not realize they are confused, so approach with patience- gently correcting them, offering reassurance, and maintaining a calm and loving tone can help navigate the moment with dignity.

if it were my dad I would say no dad it’s Jenny your daughter
I’m just helping you
Hopefully it was just an off moment of confusion
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Reply to Jenny10
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I’m not sure whether the bathing is the cause of this delusion, but it’s probably not helping. My father in law went through a brief phase where he thought I was his wife or girlfriend. I’ve heard it explained as he’s living in a past life, when he was a young husband so of course you must be the wife. Your options are have your husband bathe him, get a paid caregiver a few times per week, or place him in professional care. You probably won’t convince him he’s wrong but you can try to redirect.

The solution that works today may not work permanently. If he gets too insistent about you being his wife and decides to press the point physically, you may have no choice but to place him.
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Reply to iameli
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Would your husband be willing to do his personal hygiene routine for a while? Just try it to see if it makes any difference?
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Reply to Geaton777
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fluffy1966 Dec 12, 2024
Cincou, you may have already implemented these, but toilets such as Bio Bidet are a Godsent for the bathroom issues. Also, a 'washlet" is now available that takes up less room to attach to a existing toilet (I "think") Having the warm water wash UP towards the LO's bottom can get the job 90% done. Do look into these and your Dad might get to like the "bottom wash" that these innovations provide.
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I also don’t have an answer other than what you are already doing. Just letting you know you’re not alone. My dad was similar, but it was for a fairly short time. He lived with my sister & brother-in-law. My brother-in-law was able to help some with showers which seemed to help a little with the delusion. We also played music while he was in the shower & as much as possible tried to stay to the side & out of his line of vision. It’s hard when you live together. You could try to get help to come in for showers, etc. but that doesn’t cover every time you’d need to help him with personal hygiene.
So continue to redirect/deflect, see if you could get someone else in to help with showers at least a couple times a week & hopefully like my dad, it won’t last for too long. We ended up needing to get help with showers as things changed anyway because he started resisting us. So getting help with showers may be something you need to look into anyway as things change. Over time we did get our daughter places back in his mind. Wishing you the best. It’s a hard thing to go through & deal with.
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Reply to Ltracy
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Can't tell from your profile if you live in a city, small town, out in the country, etc., but some "Adult Day Programs" in cities now off 'bathing and grooming" as part of the fee for the Day program. They also trim finger and toenails, haircuts, etc., and it's just a wonderful thing to do. Would you have anything like this in your city or town? Dropping your Dad off at a Senior Adult Center where he could socialize, have a meal, etc., PLUS get a good bath, shampoo, personal grooming, etc., would be a Godsend for you! Drop him off for 2-3 days per week, and you would get immense relief from this uncomfortable situation.
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