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I live on the other side of the country and she refuses to allow me to talk with him. I showed up unannounced a couple years ago and he was so happy to see me until she instigated a conflict, called the sheriff and told them I was agitating him. She will now not even let me speak with him. What can I do?

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Call the police for a wellness check.

They will let you know how he is and it will put the situation on their radar if he is not. They will get APS involved if your dad isn't being cared for.

I pray you are able to come to terms with the situation his choices created. I wouldn't count on any inheritance, he made his choice and it was his desire for her at all costs. Just be grateful she hasn't taken everything and dumped him in your lap. That is harder than you can imagine.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I've already answered once. I had this happen to my sister and me. We would call to speak to my dad, and the stepmother would literally snatch the phone from him and start talking herself.

I found out later that they had created a will when he was dosed with morphine granting her complete ownership of the house and the rest of the property went to her children.
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I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
Im wondering if there is some history, not saying your step mom is right in anyway.
But as a step mom, to a step daughter, that has a drug and alcohol issue, and has used and abused everyone in the family, and stoled thousands of dollars from a few of us. But in her mind she has done nothing wrong. And is always the victim.
I'm just not taking sides here and wondering what the bigger pitcher may be.
But I will say , no matter what you should be able to see your dad. Absolutely
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I agree with Alva, 100 percent! Your dad got involved with a lousy woman. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

Everyone has their own story to tell about their families.

My husband’s dad decided to have an affair while his wife was dying with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He claimed that he couldn’t handle her being sick so he ran straight into another woman’s arms.

This woman was a volunteer at the hospital where my mother in law was dying. She had gone to the same university as my father in law. She bragged to us about him hugging her so tightly the night my mother in law died.

He even moved his mistress into his home a couple of weeks after his wife died.

He tried to force this woman on us while we were still grieving. No one begrudged him being with someone else but this woman immediately pranced into our lives trying to be our mom and grandma only weeks after my mother in law died.

My daughter’s teacher showed me her kindergarten journal. My five year old was confused by all of this. She adored the grandmother that she knew. She referred to the new woman who was living with her grandpa as ‘grandpa’s friend’ in her school journal.

My daughter was grieving for the grandmother that she loved. The new woman was a complete stranger to my daughter. It takes time for meaningful relationships to develop. The woman was offended that we viewed her as a stranger.

This woman thought that we were horrible for not instantly fawning all over her. She threatened to leave my father in law if he didn’t cut us off.

My father in law did as she commanded. She refused to marry him because she wanted to spend all of his money and keep her money from her deceased husband to give to her children.

Life doesn’t seem fair at times. My sweet mother in law died at age 68. The awful woman lived to be 96 and my father in law lived to be 98.

Well, after his ‘companion’ died he called my husband, and said that he was lonely and that he wanted to see him.

Mind you, he threw his son, myself and his grandchildren away like yesterday’s trash many years earlier.

Covid hit, my husband wasn’t able to visit him before he died.

I told my husband that I was sorry that he didn’t get to visit with his dad. He said to me, “Your father was more of a father to me than my own dad was. He was a stranger to me. My mother is the person who raised us. My dad was never truly involved with us.”

His dad pretended to be involved when I met him but it was all just an act. Having his mistress enter the picture made a tough situation worse.

We didn’t object to his dad being with another woman. We didn’t care about them not being married. It was the way they tried to rush a relationship, knowing that they were having an affair when my mother in law was dying with cancer.

At least my father in law was smart enough to save enough money for a nice assisted living facility.

I can tell you that he was a cheapskate with my sweet mother in law and he gave his ‘companion’ as he called her, anything that she wanted and if she didn’t get it she would threaten to leave!

Oh well…we aren’t going to like everyone, for good reason. Everyone won’t like us. That’s life, right? It stinks, sometimes.
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Scampie1 Mar 9, 2024
Needhelpwithmom, we have a similar story. My dad started cheating on my mother while I was still in middle school with a woman who was younger than my older sister at the time. This affair carried on for years even after I got married to my first ex, and it continued until mom's death. Fast forward, mom got cancer, I had moved back home, and dad saw that as an opportunity and moved out to live with his girlfriend and her daughters. After mom died, he married the woman before mom was settled in her grave leaving me with the responsibility of my severely disabled younger sister. His wife wanted me out of the picture completely unless I bought the house from him so that they could buy a new house in Florida. I had to take out a loan on the house to give them the money so that they could go riding off into the sunset. I flat out refused. I was not going to be her cash cow offering her a get out of jail free card to ride free and clear on a lifestyle being funded by me. These type of woman have a lack of boundaries. I showed big time by trying to tie me up into a situation with a bunch of strangers I knew nothing about. She was after our money and resources we could provide for her. This was her motive. All of a sudden here is this strange woman and another family on the scene. I saw a lawyer after that. Shortly after, I moved out of the family home after getting my sister placed. Dad had to come home for two weeks to see her off. I moved into my own apartment with my daughter.
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Richard, how long ago was your Dad diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Alzheimer's can be long term, with mild memory loss the first couple of years, then over time the memory becomes more and more distant.

If your step-mother is your Dad's only caregiver, she must be quite physically and emotionally exhausted, and resentful as this wasn't the retirement she and your Dad had planned. Do you know if she is getting any outside help with his care? Any relatives stepping in to help?

Call your step-mother and ask her how "she" is doing, does she need any help, etc? Make the conversation just about her. She may, or may not, soften up. If she softens up, then over time [a few months] you can get more information.
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RichardAlan Aug 11, 2024
He was diagnosed more than 5 years ago, Have no idea if she is getting any outside help but theyhave money which she has now take n over control of. She also has her kids stepping in to help. She is absolutely an awful, nasty person to me, my wife andmy kids. And she continually lies.
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Thanks. What about his estate? I know his intention was to split it between me and her but I also know that she took over his email and phone the last few years and likely masqueraded as him to change everything. Do I have any recourse? I of course will consult an attorney but was going to wait until he passes first to see what shape his will was in (guessing she is the executor unless he dies in testate).
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Scampie1 Mar 9, 2024
This is what usually happens. When dad died my brothers wanted to hire a lawyer because both felt that I should have gotten the house. My mom wanted me to be willed the house, but dad's wife had a hand in it wanting me to buy the house. I was already up to my ears making house repairs, my sister's care and my own expenses for both me and my daughter. I couldn't even finish school at the time due to all of the responsibilities that got dumped on me. I ended up walking away from the hell pit because it became to much. I was burned out before I left and just didn't have the energy to keep fighting.

I would check with a lawyer before your dad's death for a consultation. Have a list of questions prepared beforehand. I did see a lawyer, and it wasn't much that could be done but move from the situation.
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Thanks. She has been awful to me and my children for a number of years and not let me spend any time alone with him for the better part of a decade. She is just an awful human.

I just want to speak with him again before he passes away. I will call APS.
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AlvaDeer Mar 8, 2024
Well, then. There you have it.
Your father chose to marry an awful human being.
There's nothing to be done about that if an attorney tells you that the law will not intervene.
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Nothing.
She is the Lioness at the Gate.
You apparently have chosen not to befriend her? Otherwise I have to think she is the wicked evil witch of the west. If so, your father CHOSE HER.

You may want to consult a POA in their area to see what rights of visitation you have.
You may consider a report to APS telling them you are not allowed contact and need reassurance that your father is in good care and in good health as there is no way you can check on that (which I am assuming is true?).

The fact is that his wife is his POA. You would not win guardianship of him unless he is absymally neglected.
You can only:
1. Find out your right in that state through APS or attorney
2. Ask APS to open a case to check on his welfare
3. Attempt to request visitation through the wife, telling her you will be happy to submit to her being present in the room and will leave when she requests you to, that you would like to be able to help and assist her and wish to mend broken fences between you for the good of your Dad.

Other than that? As I said. Dad made his choice. Apparently, and according to you, not a very good one, but he made it. And there's nothing you can do to change that.
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