I have tried to explain to my boyfriend that there are other ways to take care of her and still honor his responsibility to her, without moving her into our home. She currently lives alone, 12 hours away, but he could help her sell her huge 2 story house, (that’s paid off by the way), and use that money to buy/rent a smaller place that’s one floor and safer and more functional for someone her age. Or he could find an independent/assisted living facility for her when she gets to the point of needing care. She has no major health issues except for being slightly overweight and stubborn about being safe and not doing things like changing a light bulb from a wobbly chair. He could even manage her finances online if he’s worried about that, I did this for my father for 5 years. And if she wants to be near him he could sell her house and mover her here and do the same things for her here, but there is no reason why the first and only option has to be moving her in with us permanently just because shes told him she wants to “combine” homes. I have extreme anxiety about having people in my home, I don’t like having guests unless it’s my kids, parents or brother, it makes me almost sick having to worry about my guests and I stress over everything while they visit, what should I do about where theyll sleep,, keeping them entertained 24/7, do they time alone, are they comfortable, should I wait till they are here and ask what they want to eat before I plan a meal? The thought of his mother becoming a permanent house guest, a woman I’ve only met twice and never had an actual Conversation with, makes me sick to my stomach and my chest tightens up even thinking about it. I work from home and I would become her 24/7 caretaker by default and I’m afraid it will affect my mental health and our relationship having her here for what could be 5-10+ years,
She’s never asked me if I was ok with her moving into our house and she just assumes that I’m going to be her caretaker when she needs something, I’m not even officially engaged to my BF and I find it extremely presumptuous for her or him to even suggest her moving in at this point anyways. She’s made comments talking to my BF before on the phone whe trying to manipulate him into letting her move in that “oh, if I move in you won’t have to worry about me, your GF can take me to the doctor and help me out, you wouldn’t have to take off work, you won’t have to worry anymore about me if I’m there.” And I’ve heard his response of “yeah that’s true.” When I voice my concerns about it and that I’m not in favor of it he always responds with, I’ll take care of her she won’t be a bother and you’re always home anyways what’s the big deal?” Well, my deal is that, at 50yrs old myself, I don’t want to live with someone else’s mother and become their caregiver for what could be another 5-10 years and I don’t want to be taken advantage of because I work from home and my BF doesn’t. I would never move my mother in with us if I worked outside of the home and my BF worked from home and expect him to take care of my mother for me. He thinks im
being selfish but he really has no idea what he’s getting us both into because when she does start to need help it’s so much more invovlved that he realizes and it’s physically too much for me to even try to help her out of a chair at this point in my life, my shoulder goes in and out of place with the slightest pulling/pushing tasks and I have health issues of my own to deal with. I don’t know how to make
him understand my side of this and how unfair it is for him to expect me to assume his responsibility when I have my own mother who lives 14 hrs away and will eventually need help as well. I already have plans in place for my mother and he would never have to lift a finger to help her.
The two of you are really having a difficult time.
So sorry, more pressure from outsiders (his Mom) is not what the both of you need.
If there is hope for your relationship, hold on tight, try not to see him as the enemy here. Maybe forgive him for speaking the unspeakable to Mom, without thinking of you at the time.
Back off communication with or about Mom. Let time pass. Hug each other.
Those Moms can really wreck havoc to divide a couple. You are a couple, right?
Not the enemy? Stand strong, together. Mom is not moving in, over my dead body, for example.
I hope he gets to come home to you soon. It is not unusual to have this kind of interference from many sources outside of the two of you. Do you get along mostly, otherwise?
If you have to be the gatekeeper of your home, do it. Is he worth it?
I missed that he had said this to you:
"I told him that I would have no problem letting her know that I’m not comfortable having her living with us and that I would not become her caretaker if she did and
[***that is what really got him mad, calling me selfish and shallow and saying that I needed to deal with it if it needed to happen it would. ***He said if I cared about him I should care about his mom ***and she was scared and didn’t want to live on her own. ***He tries to make me out to be the bad guy****]
but I know I’m just refusing to be taken advantage of and be used for taking on his responsibility because he doesn’t want to be bothered anymore.
There is no fixing a narcissist, and confronting him just makes the war you are in worse. You are being used, and set up to be used some more.
"Unfortunately, the future is so much like the past and present, only more of it."
This was said to me by my therapist, trying to help me choose better next time after ten years. It is a natural tendency to choose the familiar relationship from your past and repeat it. Unless you can learn and maybe get some therapy.
I think that I have given you all the ideas I could think of. Others have given you some good advice. Breaking the stronghold a narcissist has on you is not an easy thing. I am off to bed, and unfollowing this thread. I was reminded of a whole lot, thanks.
Best to you going forward....
".. calling me selfish.."
I know it was said in the heat on the moment, but when things are cooler, see if this makes sense;
When we say NO to someone, they have a choice. To respect & accept that no. Or not.
If they do not, they will continue to push, conjole or twist us into doing as they say. This is manipulation.
To yell, use hurtful words, rage & more - all tools of manipulation. Designed to control the other. To get someone to do as THEY want.
THIS is the selfish behaviour.
As I said before, YOU have the right to say no.
He has NO right to say yes for you. He does not own you.
He wants you to say yes so HE can look like the HERO to his Mother. That is HIS selfish need. He needs to own it.
(Well.. all in my opinion anyway. But I have been called selfish myself for not providing the work for others to claim hero)
You are absolutely right to stick up for your needs. You mentioned your son. I hadn't realized that a child/teen? was part of the picture. All the more reason to keep your home as stress free as possible. He has needs too.
1. You were not consulted about her moving in. Had you been consulted the answer would have been NO.
2. You own half the house. If this move progresses sonny will have to buy you out of half the house. Are either of them capable of doing that?
3. You work from home and need quiet. No matter how quiet she says she will be it will not be quiet enough.
4. No, you do not intend on being her caretaker. Even if she moves to the area sonny needs to work so no one...repeat no one...will be available to take her on errands or appointments during the day.
Telling someone you cannot accommodate them is not rude. Nor is it selfish. Those telling you that are the rude & Selfish ones.
I don't think boyfriend is a Narcissist he was raised by a Narcissist. Thats all he knows. Its easier to say yes to Mom than No. Or like my husband and his brothers, easier to just let Mom win. (MIL was passive-aggressive and had a tendecy to lie) If he sees where he is wrong, then he is not Narcissistic. I think he is between a rock and a hard place. He may really agree with you but all those years of conditioning does pop up and she is aging. He needs counselling to
Help him learn that he does not need to deal with Mom. Don't u live like 12hrs away? He lives 12 hrs away for a reason. He probably does not want her living with him either but he just does not know how to handle telling Mom no so he lashes out blaming you. Really, he has been taught what Mom says goes.
NotaslavetoMIL
Asked February 11, 2022
My boyfriend wants to move his mom (84) into the house we have just purchased, without my consent. I don’t want to be her caretaker. Advice?
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-boyfriend-wants-to-move-his-mom-84-into-the-house-we-have-just-purchased-472997.htm
Is it your house or both you and your boyfriends home? In the beginning you mentioned "my" house then you went on to say "our" house.
If it's "your" house with your name on the deed, then you get the say. Are you Joint Tenants?
I assume you are living together and not legally married. Who is on the mortgage? You have to check all of these things out even before you proceed with anything?
The more you add to this equation, the more complicated things will get as time goes on. Are you kicking in $$$ for the mortgage?
I said first, tell her you jumped the gun and never discussed any of it with me and you don’t think it’s the best solution to her situation. That it’s not safe for her here and it’s not fair to put all the responsibility of her living here onto me. That he will look into finding something more affordable and safer for her needs, either there or here, after they look into what her finances will allow.
I told him if she presses the issue he should tell her that I had told him from the beginning of our relationship that I would never move my mother in with us and I expected the same from him because I had “been there done that” temporarily and already knew I could never go through it again. That he didn’t think about all that is involved, and should she need more assistance in the future, which she will, I was unable to supply that for her and I had my own responsibilities with my own mother and children so it wouldn’t be fair to add his obligations to my mine.
I hope he can stick to this and atleast tell her the initial, “no mom this isn’t going to work for everyone involved” phrase. But I have told him that if he can’t, that I’d have to tell her myself and that would not go well for anyone involved because I will be honest about the turmoil this has caused and that her living here would end our relationship. I think he heard it this time and is atleast going to find a way to try to convince her it’s not what’s best. I honestly don’t care if he tells her I flat out refuse to live with her because I don’t want to end up taking care of her when her health deteriorates. I’m more worried that she will live another 10 years intruding on our way of life and privacy than anything else. I know she will Insert herself in every conversation, hear every conversation we have without her present because she will sit right outside our bedroom door in the den and I’ll never have a moments peace or second to myself.
I did tell him that it was his decision to respect my right to say no, that I don’t want to live with his mom and that I would leave if he insisted she live here. I said I wouldn’t sacrifice my mental well being to improve his mothers. She can live elsewhere and still see him more if she’s lonely, but if he moves her in with us I’m the one who suffers and then our relationship suffers. She will have to make the compromises because it’s her fault she’s in this mess. I’m not going to compromise myself to appease someone I don’t know, who doesn’t care if I’m happy or not. Not for his mom or him.
I’m not making an ultimatum, I’m saying that if my wishes aren’t respected then I have to protect myself and remove myself from the situation. Hope this doesn’t come up again and he looks into what needs to be done for his mom asap. He knows where I stand and it’s up to him what happens from here.
BF asked a question! His thinking has shifted (maybe only a fraction so far) but HAS shifted. From 'This is happening' to 'What am I supposed to tell her?"
You gave him the words, the reasons, the logic, the feelings. Let him take it now & use his own language.
If he gets stuck - he can keep it short. "No Mom that won't work".
One small step for man..
A step out of his FOG.
He may not be able to convince his mother that it's for the best. She may never agree, but the two of you have to stay firm anyway. I let my narc(issistic) mother know clearly that I would never have her live with me. She didn't like it and threw it in my face a few times, but I didn't budge (or even answer her) because I knew it would have been impossible for me. And, in fact, it was not the best for her either.
Your BF is learning to stand up to his mum - a big thing for him and for both of you. He needs your encouragement and support and your boundaries. I agree that therapy would help him. I have gone for therapy off and on all my life dealing with a narc mother and a narc sister.
Personally I wouldn't focus on blame so much as responsibility.
(((((hugs))))) I know this isn't easy.
Turns out, no surprise, his mother should have more than enough money every month. Boyfriend asked how much her Social Security checks were each month and she matter-of-factly said “oh only $3500.” Boyfriend turned to look at me, his face went gray, and his immediate response was “mom!, what the heck are you spending that much money on that you need $1000 more from me every month?” She didn’t say anything that made any sense, so he asked her if she sold her house how much profit would she make? She said, “oh, should be about 150,000,” like that was nothing big. Boyfriend again, mouth open, stammering to respond, said “mom!, we have got to have a serious conversation about your finances when we have more time and we can get all of your information together and get a better look at it.
Once boyfriend was off the phone he looked at me and said “35 freaking hundred dollars a month and she’s asking me for money, what the hell?!” It took all I had not to bust out laughing or say I told you so, but I did say, “just as a reference, my mom lives on $1500 a month.” I said her SS is $2500 but she puts $1000 of that in her savings and she almost never uses the full $1500 a month. She has all the same bills your mother does, she doesn’t have a house payment like your mother, and she doesn’t have a car payment, that’s why I was so confused why your mother would need money every month and so much. I know from what he’s told me that his mom worked for 35 to 40 years full-time at a well paying job and she should have much more Social Security than my mom would’ve had, only working 10 years full-time and maybe 5 to 8 part-time.
I said now that you know she is not destitute or in any need of physical or financial assistance other than managing her money, you might want to let her know that if she wants to move to where we’re going next, that we are no longer going to have an extra bedroom and we won’t be getting one in the future because we are going to be saving for our own retirement now. I added, Maybe if she knows that there is no chance she will ever live with us, she may change her tune and not even want to move to the same town.
His response took me off guard when he said “oh I don’t wanna live with her either, and if she does move to town, i’ll just have to stop bye and check on her after work and maybe have her over for dinner every other week and make more of an effort to keep her company so she’s not too lonely. No mention of me in anyway doing anything for her! He said, “damn, she’s got money to have a 24/7 companion from what it sounds like.” I could tell he was really put off that she had been guilt tripping him, asking him for money when he was out of work and stressing him out for nothing. He even offered to rehome his cats because he knows how disgusting they are and how hard it is to keep the house clean with all of their hair and puke and litter mess and I had told him it would be impossible to try to sell the house in the future with them here and we won’t have room for three cats when we move.
Guess his mom will have to pull her big girl panties up and “deal with it!” You can’t always get what you want, especially when it comes at someone else’s expense. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see my BF all fired up cause he realizes he’s been dooped and stressed out for no reason, fighting with me over a non existent problem his mom fabricated to manipulate us both. I bit my lip so hard trying to refrain from saying I told you so, I can still feel my teeth marks.
So glad he's evolving.
My husband and I were just taking about this kind of thing. My MIL and Mom each lived off of about 1700 a month at one time. Would be hard now in this inflation. I don't know why, but I am very protective of my money. Probably because everything we have, we paid for. My Mom was very good with what she received. My MIL, complained but she kept buying cassetts, later CDs. We found VCR tapes she never watched, still in wrappings. She would get involved in those clubs and have no idea how to stop them. Those figurine clubs. She did not need that stuff. And each club is about $20 a month. Same with Readers digest books and magazines. We never gave her any money unless it was for Christmas or her Birthday. If she had said she was not making her bills, I would have said "stop buying that junk". If my Mom asked for money, I know she needed it and that would be after she tried to cut corners.
Yep, boyfriend needs to sit down with Mom and find out where her money goes. First thing I would have done before I gave any MIL/FIL money.
The 'magic' of communication has not solved or disoved MIL's problems - BUT - has opened BF's eyes & ears.
Has uncovered facts. New conversations can be built on these new facts (rather than the tall tales MIL led with).
When he shows you who he is, believe him.
Quote:
"I would not become her caretaker if she did (move in) and that is what really got him *mad*, calling me selfish and shallow and saying that I needed to deal with it if it needed to happen it would. He said if I cared about him I should care about his mom and she was scared and didn’t want to live on her own. He try’s to make me out to be the bad guy but I know I’m just refusing to be taken advantage of and be used for taking on his responsibility because he doesn’t want to be bothered anymore. "
Do not sell (cash out) your home to move for his latest job.
They don’t get the love and attention here that they deserve or the care from their owner. They will stay until we find them homes, sorry to upset everyone with that tid bit of info. I was just happy to finally get the ok to find them a better home where my cat doesn’t have to keep getting attacked everyday and I don’t have to separate them and let them in and out of the litter rooms and up and down the stairs all the time. 3 litter boxes and two litter rooms in a 1800sqft house is too much. Even scooping twice a day and constantly changing and cleaning litter boxes, it’s too much and too many cats for a small space.