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A lot of people here are seeing this as a location issue rather than a lifestyle one.
My sister is 54. She moved a block from my parents three years ago. Her priorities are her 13 yo and mom, who function as a cohesive family unit. There simply isn’t room for a relationship.

This is where Upset is.
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Beatty Mar 9, 2024
Agree this is where Upset IS.
But where does she WANT to be?

The BF has offered to have both Upset AND Mother move to be with him. So (in theory) Upset could move AND remain the caregiver (of course that will bring it's own challenges..).

The Mother has said no to moving.

Sometimes depression creeps up. Making it so hard to even lift one's eyes up to see the bigger view.
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Igloocar & Taarna raise very good points to think on.
Independance & location.

Take your Mother & Boyfriend out of the equation just for the moment.

Where would you live if you were without either of them?

In your town? Near existing friends? Close to your sister, or cousins?

Or are you wanting a change? Would love to try living in South Carolina? Or somewhere else entirely?

IF you chose your current location..
Another option could be to live SEPARATELY to Mother.

Return to being your Mother's daughter & not her fulltime caregiver.

Could this free your mind to allow you to create your own future?
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Stop thinking about this in terms of what others want. Please consider what you want from your life. Do you want to live in South Carolina - even if you do not have your boyfriend? Do you want to continue living and doing all you do where you currently live? Those answers will help you determine what your next steps should be to live your healthy life as well as caring for others.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 10, 2024
I never thought about living in South Carolina. I always wanted to live in California- that's the only state I wanted to live but it's way too expensive - especially now. He is the one who wants to live there. We would talk about it and he would say he wanted to live there but he would NEVER leave without me. He said I should sacrifice now for the relationship and move there. If we would break up- I would never want to live there by myself. Honestly, I live in PA. When I was younger- I always wanted to move but now that I'm older- I like it here now. I don't know if the South would be for me. The things he is telling me about it there- it doesn't sound like an appealing state. And the thought of pulling up stakes to move my whole life there- I don't know if I could do it. I really want to be with him but there's so much involved- mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. I just don't know.
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I am answering very late in this discussion, but something you pointed out at the beginning seems to me very important. You mention that your mother was in terrible health before finally agreeing to see a doctor. Then, when she finally did, she had many serious health issues, some of which clearly could have been treated earlier, such as hypertension and low thyroid (assuming they were present earlier). Now, with your mother in horrible shape partly because of her self-negligence, the arrangement is that you become her full-time caregiver? I don't know whose idea this arrangement was initially, but can you see that after trying to get your mother to get medical help for years, you do not have responsibility for the consequences of ignoring your advice for so long? I don't mean that you should have abandoned your mother, but I am hopeful that you can see her demands on you are not reasonable or realistic, especially under the circumstances. I am sure you were already under severe stress as you saw her deteriorating and unwilling to get medical help. Refusing to go to an AL. or if needed, long-term care, is as irresponsible of her as it was to refuse to get medical care in the first place!

Regarding your boyfriend, I doubt he knew that your mother would live so long in poor health when he told you he wouldn't move without you! Perhaps it would have been better if he had never said so, but please don't blame him now, when after all these years, he needs to move for reasons that seem unselfish--to be near HIS parent(s) and to try to find a better job, which would be good for both of you. He still wants you enough to ask you to come with your mother, knowing you would still devote a lot of your time and attention to her! You've said he moved at the worst moment, but I don't think it's clear to us that there ever would be a time that would be OK with you until your mother had died. And while you swear that you would never do what he did, it's really dangerous to say that when you haven't been in his shoes. Like others, I think you may want us to support your staying with your mother, but what your mother has asked of you and what your boyfriend is still willing to do for you make it hard for many of us to support your staying with your mother. But like some others, I am also not certain that you should move to South Carolina. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, and I hope you will ask the counselor if she/he can help you think about what you want for your life in the long term and what you can do to get there, which may mean becoming independent of both your mother and your boyfriend.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 10, 2024
His dad lives there but his mom, brother and all his other relatives and friends live here. And I know for certain I would never leave him if he were in my situation. I don't leave people- especially those who need me. I don't abandon people. I've been abandoned by people in my life and I know how painful that is. And you say it's dangerous to say but how about for him? What if one day he is in my situation and has to care for his father or mother? Perhaps that would be the only way he would know how I feel. It seems to me that he can't handle tough times and maybe I am better off without him. I stayed with him because I thought he would never leave me-since that is what he always said. I guess you can't believe what people say. What if I got sick and needed him? Maybe God is looking out for me.
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If your mom is so bad off that she needs a nh, then she can’t have just one person taking care of her.
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Your sister has established boundaries and preserved her life. Boyfriend must think the world of you to wait so long. Gently, it’s no surprise he grew weary of playing second fiddle to your Mom; it’s amazing he invited her to move too! It’s your choice. To regain your own life with a man that clearly cares about you or increasing demands of caregiving that may go on for years. He’s ready to move on with or without you.
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Calliesma Mar 10, 2024
Brilliant ideas. Thank you.
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Upset, if you are still here. Hang in there!

Back to the start... it appeared to be a Parent vs Lover tale.
But it's so much more.

It's also your town vs Boyfriend's new town.

I think the largest part of your puzzle could be your perceived obligation. Based on your values, your faith, your personality - kind heart. Maybe extended family expectations or cultural expectactions too?

But it's also who to please?

What about YOU?
This is YOUR life. What do you really want? If you were totally free for a day to do what you wanted - what would it be?
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 10, 2024
I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. Seriously. I have been living with responsibilities for so long and trying to please the people in my life- that I have no idea what I want anymore.
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You seem pretty adamant about caregiving for your mom in her home as long as you can, even though you sound burnt out.
This seems like a fundamental difference as to what's important to each of you in your relationship.
Since that's the case you might as well call things off with the guy. No sense in dragging things out.
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Men are not as patient as women when it comes to moving on. You can't stay with mom forever. Don't waste your youth like I did. I had a daughter when I was young in a very early marriage. Met a guy after my divorce, and he wanted me to move with him back to Massachusetts after he got set up in his dental practice. He told me what he wanted, and I wanted the same thing. We both wanted a commitment. I was to go and get further training and a job. Family mess got in the way for the both of us. He had problems at home. I got stuck in a mess taking care of my mom and my disabled sister. My dad left me holding the bag and went to live with his girlfriend. I made one trip one weekend and stayed with a relative. I could tell he was disappointed because he wanted me to come to him but he read my actions as being otherwise. What happened was he ended up marrying someone else in the next state from where I lived in the DMV area. I ended up in a hellish relationship with a second loser husband. He ended up divorced from the woman he married. I made some very crappy and self-destructive moves due to my first husband screaming about paying child support a whopping $130.00, and I was in a state of confusion. Even though I worked and was in college here in my hometown, things were never the same for me.

I missed my chances. After a second divorce, I stayed single for seven years before I met my late husband, and he died in 2016.

I contacted this guy the following year. I sent him a Christmas card, after I looked him up thirty four years later. We had one conversation, and I didn't hear from him anymore. I sent him a thinking of you card but never heard back. So, I let this go. Two years later, I found his obituary.

I'm saying all this to say; go visit your boyfriend. If nothing else, you will be able to tell if you want to be with this man or not. Don't let your mother's needs take precedence over your own happiness. Men get tired and move on, and you will become a distant memory in their minds. I wish I had the guts that some of these young women have today. I would have flat out told my father, I'm out of here. Handle you own damn mess you created with your wife and your family, took my daughter and went to live in another place. Now, I'm an old woman, scared all the time and live with a house full of cats. LOL The two men I loved are dead. One was during my youth, and the other was during my middle-aged years.

My advice to you is go alone to visit even if you have to pay for care to come in to care for your mom while you take your trip. Do not drag your mother along on this trip. You deserve a trip away from your mother. Don't let your emotions bounce you all over the place. The question is this; do you and your boyfriend want a stable commitment?
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Beatty Mar 8, 2024
Warm ((((hugs))) to you Scampie.

"My advice to you is go alone to visit even if you have to pay for care to come in to care for your mom while you take your trip".

An excellant plan.
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Did you live with your boyfriend ? Does boyfriend have a home or apartment set up for you and him? Is that is plan for you to move in with him? when was the last time you visited him in SC? Got friends there? At least it’s on the same coastline…
take mom with you on vacation there. Plan to visit a couple of assisted living places near BF’s home. Tour them and plan a couple of outings for the 3 of you.
you’re living in mom’s house now. Do a lil bit of thinking and weigh out your options with mom’s house. You may want to lease it out to traveling nurses and doctors . Do short term lease to get income. Test out the living conditions with your man, and AL for mom. It’s a tough road to navigate, but keep options open.. if things don’t seem to work out, you can go back to that home…
my DH & I stayed close to our parents..
Hope things work out well with your BF.
Take mom on that lil vacation.. is it warmer in SC? You may want to play with the positives of migrating south.
tell sis she can take mom for 6 months and you’ll take mom for the other 6 months..
different options..
don’t lose your man, and figure out how to get mom to see the positives about moving.. AL facilities are popping up all over.. they have activities and all that good social stuff..
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JeanLouise Mar 8, 2024
She can tell Sis. I highly doubt she will jump to her demands. Sis was smart and strong enough to establish boundaries and save her right to live her life. I also doubt mom will agree to exploring AL opportunities. That guy should run. He dodged a bullet.
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I think if you wanted to go with your boyfriend you would have decided to make that happen and found alternatives for your mother.
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Edit: I removed my post after reading more replies from the OP.

All I can add is people show you who they are.

BF said he wanted to go. He finally left. He showed he run out of patience.

Upset said she wanted to care for her Mother. She stayed. She has showed what she wants to do.
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waytomisery Mar 8, 2024
Not the first time caregiving caused a huge problem between a couple .
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It sound like you really want to take care of your mother or else you would have put her in a NH already. There are loses in both directions here. You are trying to take care of two ppl, you are going to feel horrible which ever way you chose to go. I think you have to cut them both lose and free yourself to live.
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Upset, I believe the solution has to come from you. Nothing wrong at all casting your net wide for a range of advice! But in the end, YOUR path needs to be choosen by YOU. To fit with YOUR values. (Not to fit other people's values).

I'm not religious but *honour thy parents* comes up alot on the forum. What IS honour - to you?

Honour (to me) means RESPECT.

I can certainly RESPECT my elders without obeying their every want, wish or whim. Eg I can respect that many of my family members hold dear the ideal of *family helps family*. Yet I do not let this control me.. not let it dictate how I spend my time, who I help or how I help.

Have your read the book Boundaries: When to say yes & How to say no (by Dr H Cloud & Dr J Townsend). This book helped me tremendously.
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It sounds like you are not feeling comfortable moving to be with the boyfriend . Perhaps this relationship has run its course as you are not happy with some of his beliefs and actions . Let him go . Yes , you can break up with him . You don’t have to wait for him to do it .

As for your mother , she needs to go in a facility so that you can go to school or get a job and take care of your own life and financial needs . Your mother needs care , but you need to think of your needs first .

You are unhappy with the boyfriend and also trying to please your mother at the same time .
How about doing what would make you happy ? What would that look like ? I bet it wouldn’t be either of the two choices you have stated here . You don’t have to be caught in the middle . Choose you instead of either of them .

As long as you believe your mother should come before any boyfriend , please don’t date.
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Pjdela Mar 8, 2024
Waytomisery, I think this is the best answer so far. Upsetcaregiver's mom is responsible for her own life. As my wise Mom's doctor once said to me "you cannot carry another person's burdens". I was sure trying and I think OP is, too. Please, OP, plan and live your own life.

You said financial problems and arguing were part of the scenario and you are helping Mom financially. Do not do that. Keep finances separate and use yours to further your education and better your situation so you can be independent. You need to save for your own future
There may be help for your Mom- call your Area Council on aging for info and consult elder law attorney to see what can be done if you have not already done this. You will need to save for your own future, especially as it seems you will remain single if you continue to put Mom's wants above everything and everyone else.
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Free boyfriend to find someone who will love him as a full partner, not a divided one.
Be careful of saying you would "never". You never know what will happen in life, nor can you always accurately predict how you will feel or what you will do. Circumstances change. Your boyfriend may have thought with all your Mom's health issues the wait would not be as long as it has turned out to be. What would happen if his parents were to need care? What if you had kids? Would Mom still take precedence? There are other things to focus on in life in addition to Mom.
"Honor thy father and mother" is often quoted but scripture also says "parents do not vex your children". You don't have to be an obedient child all your life. Your Mom needs to learn proper boundaries as do you. Also, putting her in a facility doesn't mean you abandon her. There will still be plenty for you to do as her advocate and you can be as involved as you like. Her health may even improve with facility care if it is a good facility.
I say these things not to harm or insult you but to encourage you to care for YOU! What will you have/do when Mom is gone as she will be one day? Do not take your own life or health for granted.
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There are pros and cons to both situations. That does make it difficult to make a decision. But you do need to make one. And once you make it, don't second guess yourself. Just move forward and let the chips fall where they may.

You are getting mixed advice because the path is not 100% clear. Or even 80%.

I don't know it it's fair to question everything your BF says just because he said he would never move without you. I bet he never could have imagined that your mother would need so much care and live so long and that you would be her sole caregiver for what seems like forever. You really can't blame him for moving on to live where he wants to live. How much of his hopes and dreams should he give up because you refuse to consider any other arrangements for your mom?

There would be nothing wrong with putting your mom in a facility. She may hate it, she might not. Either way, it's up to her and not your problem. My mom has been in AL for 1.5 years and she's not happy. But I'm a LOT happier not taking care of her.

So you have enough input from here and from your family. Time to decide and put your plan in action.

Best of luck.
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It’s difficult, but you will eventually decide. You need to know that people ‘best guess’ but also change their minds. You BF “he told me- through this whole relationship (8 years)- that he eventually wants to move but he would NEVER move without me”. Then after 7 years, he did. Now you don’t trust him – you are “questioning everything he's always told me”.

You may well have told yourself and your mother that you would ‘NEVER put her in a nursing home’. Now you are getting suggestions that you might do just that - but you say you “will feel awful for the rest of my life”.

You too can change your mind – about BF and about M. Even if now you are committed to ‘feeling awful’ forever, you don’t have to stick to it. You need to provide your own “help, advice, or direction”, since you don’t like the advice and direction provided here. What other ‘help’ did you hope for?
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I’m not one to put a high value on if or when you get married, but you guys being so’s for eight years suggests more than a dating relationship. And his actually inviting himself to live with, and thus help take care of, mom is truly heroic. He must really love you to invite her.
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I think mom AND bf are both being selfish.

Personally, I think the best thing for YOU is to 1) place mom in an AL and 2) tell your BF "It was fun while it lasted, but I'm moving on". Find a career where you can support yourself, so you NEVER have to depend on another person to live. If need be, look into grants for students and go back to school to get your degree. Pursue a career that will afford you both purpose and financial independence. Then you can seek a relationship with someone who will view you as an equal partner, not someone who can be strong-armed into making a decision that will leave you unhappy, no matter what you choose.

If you are getting "pulled" in two different directions, cut the cord on both sides and come up with a third option that suits YOU.
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Karsten Mar 7, 2024
In my humble opinion, this is the best comment of all. UpsetCareGiver is being pulled between two selfish people, and I am guessing UpsetCareGiver is such a good and caring soul, she wants to please everyone. These two selfish people have been taking advantage of her kindness.

So yes, notgoodenough (though I suspect he/she is very good enough) has wise words here. Tough to implement on both sides but the right action.
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Thank you for all your advice but so far all of it is just confusing me more. My mom doesn't want to go in any of those facilities and I can't blame her because I wouldn't either. A lot of the advice is kind of insulting to me and my life and it's making me feel worse. It's attacking me when all I'm looking for is help, advice, or direction.
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lkdrymom Mar 8, 2024
You got plenty of help, advice and direction...just because you didn't like what many people said, does not make wrong.

Your mom doesn't want to go to a facility...ok then why won't she go to SC and live with the both of you? She wants you to do all the sacrificing so her life stays the same.

You are angry that your BF said he'd never leave. He has waited 8 years for you to be free. How many more years do you think he should just sit and wait patiently for?

I really don't think you want to go to SC. You are more like your mom...you want everything to stay exactly how it is. Your BF got tired of waiting and did what he wanted to do. Decide what you want. Please tell us, what is it that you really want? If everyone was agreeable to whatever it is you want...what would that be?
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The person who needs assistance is the one who needs to compromise. Your mom isn’t holding you hostage you are. What do you want you do? I think you are afraid to go to SC so you are allowing your Mother’s refusal to move as an excuse not to live your life.
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It is nice that he wants mom to move.
Tell mom....
"Mom, "Ben" moved to South Carolina and I am going to move as well. We want you to move with us. If you don't want to move we are going to start looking for Assisted Living places next week. I will make appointments tomorrow"
Do not let her hold you back.
An Assisted Living facility is NOT a "nursing home" if mom needs Skilled Nursing that would be a different level of care.
Assisted Living facilities have activities that keep people involved, they provide transportation to doctor appointments, shopping and other outings. Most are just like an apartment with kitchen but most will encourage residents to go to the dining room for socialization.

You really have 2 choices.
Let mom rule your life and ruin any chance with your boyfriend and let her get her way.
Establish YOUR boundaries and follow your path,
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Igloocar Mar 9, 2024
Even if her mother needed a nursing home, many of them have activities, entertainment, etc. The nursing home attached to my mother's independent living community had a swimming pool. Ideally the OP could find a place with different levels of care that would let her mother move when her needs changed. The general philosophy now is to keep people as active and involved as possible, and different types of facilities try to meet this goal in ways that are appropriate for the levels of care its residents need.
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Upset, I’m not surprised that “my priest didn't tell me straight out”.. “that taking care of parents is in the Bible”, because it would be a lie. It’s NOT in the Bible. The Old Testament commandment is “honor thy father and they mother”, and the tricky word is ‘honor’. It’s a translation from Aramaic to Greek to Latin (if you are Catholic) to English, and there are lots of nuances in every translation. The most likely meaning is to ‘show respect in public’, not to run them down. Very different from compulsory aged care.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 10, 2024
I don't know if you're Jewish or not but I know this is about taking care of your parents. It is repeated often in the Bible- first and second Testaments. Jesus tells the Jewish people that they try to get around the commandment of honoring their parents- especially monetarily- when they say they are giving money to the church. They use it as an excuse why they can't support their parents. I just read it.
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I am really going to get beat up here, but I always do, so here it goes:


Why after eight years are you not married to your boyfriend?

I think in any event you do not owe your mom and I would agree with the advice to move to SC and if your mom does not want to go, then AL/SNF it is.

But at the same time, why move when there apparently isnt indication of commitment.

So bring it on, I am a man, I can take it
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 7, 2024
The relationship with my boyfriend is tumultuous. He doesn't have a lot of money and I don't either. Plus I was helping my mother with bills too. He was job hopping trying to get a better job. Both our parents are divorced so we're cautious about marriage.
It's money issues and caution over marriage plus the personality issues is why we aren't married.
We had fights but always worked them out. But if I'm going to move to South Carolina- uproot my life and leave everyone here- all my family, friends, acquaintances- then I would like to have a commitment because what if I move and we have a fight and he throws me out? Where do I go? I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. I wouldn't have anyone to stay with. I would be on the street. He has his father, stepmother, step sister who lives there. I have no-one.
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You're telling us you'll be miserable with EITHER decision you make!

Move to SC, get mom in a SNF "and feel awful for the rest of your life."

Or live with mom and lose your boyfriend who you've been with for 8 years.

And all because mother refuses to move.

Who's holding YOU hostage here, my friend? Who's put you in this miserable position in the first place?

Put the ball back in MOTHER'S court now and let HER make the decision FOR you:

She either chooses to move to SC with you or she chooses to move into a nursing home.

Why on earth does SHE hold ALL the cards here? There in lies your mistake. She's been given way too much power. By YOU.

You're fortunate the bf wants her in SC at ALL.
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JeanLouise Mar 8, 2024
I am amazed he wants Mom to join them.
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You give Mom an ultimatum. You are moving. She has two choices, she goes into a nice Assisted living near sister or she goes to a nice AL near you. She cannot live alone and you cannot care for her anymore.
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Only you can decide the value of this guy to you. You have been with him 8 years and he is still in "boyfriend" status. To me that says a whole lot.
I myself live with a man I am not married to. At 81 I have been with my "partner" for 36 years. But it was a decision between us, having met in our late 40s when we'd already EACH raised two daughters, to become legal domestic partners rather than to marry. This was for very good practical reasons and it has worked well for us.

Yet I can tell you right now that if my man chose to move when he knew that I was very close to family and in fact caregiver to my mother, and to be forced to leave my mother for him because he "simply wanted to move somewhere else", I would likely stay in the care of my Mom if that is what I wished to do.

You say you are in the middle. For me the choice would be easy if I wished to continue to care for my mom. I would tell my boyfriend I hoped we could remain friends, and tell him he is free, and to seek someone he could be happy with.
I am assuming you never promised him you would move to him. I hope not. Because if you did you led him to believe he could move and you would join him, all the while without knowing you could.

So again, this depends on your closeness to this "boyfriend". You certainly KNOW him well enough after 8 years. But the fact is you are now in a position to either:
A) tell Mom "BF and I want to marry and live in Carolina. You are welcome to move with us; but I am leaving by mid year".
or
B) you can tell BF "I have wanted to care for my Mom and you moved knowing that. She won't move, so I free you now to seek another. I will be staying."
The decision isn't an easy one, but no one can make it for you.

As to sister, she doesn't figure in any of this at all. She has chosen not to be a hands on caregiver. In all truth that would be my own choice for my own life as well. She has made her choice and is clear in it.

I certainly wish you the best in your decision. It sounds like either way you are facing a loss.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 7, 2024
I thought I knew my boyfriend. Apparently he keeps a lot of his plans a secret from me. He told me- through this whole relationship- that he eventually wants to move but he would NEVER move without me. I figured once my mom passed- we would move together. Now I'm questioning everything he's always told me.
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Your sister is the smart one here. Be more like her. Get your mother into AL and get on with your life.
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JeanLouise Mar 8, 2024
Agreed!
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Are you over the age of 18? If the answer is 'yes' then you aren't stuck anywhere or in anything. You are choosing to let mommy have total control of your life through her abusive neediness.

Do you know what abusive neediness is? It is when a person has needs and is dependent on another and uses their needs or conditions as weapons to manipulate and control the life of the person or people they are dependent on.

This is what your mother is doing to you.

You are very lucky to have a good man who is willing to take your mother in. He will move on if you don't make a decision and well he should.

Let me tell you something else too. Your mother is dependent on you to meet her needs. When someone is dependent on another they are not the one who makes the decisions or "allows" anything. So take the word "allow" right out of your vocabulary when dealing with your mother.

Tell her plainly that these are the choices you are giving her.

She moves with you to live with your boyfriend in South Carolina or she goes into a nursing home where she is. No debate. No discussion. Either it's move or a nursing home.

As for how you will feel guilty and depressed over it for a long time.
Grow up and drop the baby act and the fear of feeling guilty and depressed if you don't give mommy her own way. That's ridiculous. Aren't you embarrassed by such nonsense?

You're offering your mother a choice on how to stay out of a nursing home. Whether or not she likes it or it's exactly what she wants and how she wants it is up to her not you. You've offered to take her with you. Either she goes with you or to a nursing home. That's it.
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UpsetCaregiver Mar 7, 2024
I know I am not physically stuck but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally- you betcha. I don't want to just abandon my mother. I understand where she's coming from. She doesn't want to move now with all her health problems from a city and house she loves. And my boyfriend told me for years that he would like to move but he NEVER would leave without me. I figured once my mom would pass- we would move at the same time. Then he just picks up and leaves and expects me to as well. He knew the situation I was in. He abandoned and left me when I was at my lowest.
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You deserve to be happy again. I would hire a caregiver for mom parttime for now.You have done your best and to give up the one you love could make you resent all the good things you have done for mom.That is such a hard place to be in.Your sister and mom are being selfish.Mom needs to let go and sister needs to help.
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Beatty Mar 7, 2024
Actually I would say the sister is free to choose - to help or not.

Sister is not the 'understudy' - is not obliged to step forward if/when Upset steps back.

The responsibility lays with the Mother to arrange her own life & care (unless POA has needed to take over).
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