My mother died in 2016. For years, my brother had promised her that when she passed, he would scatter her ashes from his little plane, over places she had selected.
Now, over 5 years later, I still have her ashes at my house. My brother refuses to talk to me, doesn't respond to my emails, etc. I don't mind being cut off; I think it's sad, because we were very close as children, but I'm far more interested in making sure our mother's wishes are carried out.
Right now, I think my only option is contacting his neighbors (who are very fond of him), and asking them to tell him that he needs to get the ashes and scatter them as he promised. I don't like involving other people, but I have no other way to contact him.
Any advice would be welcome.
Take this journey for your mother. What you really want is her wishes fulfilled. You can make that happen without your brother. Your mom will be shining down on you.
Don’t involve neighbors or friends or relatives. You can handle this.
Many of us have siblings that behaved dishonorably. Sometimes those bad behaviors began and were evident while our parents were still living.
Don’t, for a minute, wish your mom knew the “truth” about your brother.
Two of my siblings started overtly financially predatory behavior at the end of my parents’ life. My mom and dad were aware and sadly recognized the greedy objectives. I wish my patents could have been shielded from this ugliness and emotional anguish. It may have shortened their lives.
You care enough for a crowd and that’s all that matters. Make the trip special for you. Take friends or family - or go alone - whatever would be most meaningful for you. Plan special stops and “treats” for yourself along the way, a route and itinerary designed to make you as joyful, happy and fulfilled, even though the purpose of the journey is somber.
Keep in mind that spreading ashes is legally viewed by authorities as “littering” - so be discreet. You cannot easily find someone to hire to scatter the ashes (like a hired pilot) for this reason also.
Do not maintain future contact with your brother. Anyone who tells you to “mend the fences” or “put family first” doesn’t prioritize your happiness and well being. They don’t have a family member like this and don’t have enough empathy to recognize how this could feel. You are putting family first.
Either right now, or in the future, block emails/texting/calls and all other communication from your brother. There is nothing healthy that can come from leaving these inroads to more disappointment open. Even “no communications” hurts. Take yourself out of the crosshairs that you have walked into. You will feel relief.
Don’t send your brother an update, or note, or any other communication as some forum participants have suggested. You don’t need his approval, or thanks, or more radio silence.
With one of my siblings, I left communication open for a few years, hoping for shreds of an apology, or thanks, a recognition of appreciation or regret—or kind words, or even holiday well wishes. I ended up with rants and insults, obnoxious boasts. a peppering of rude messages, etc. - some were “textbook” examples of mental illness, but nevertheless, hard to shake and thus, painful.
Blocking communication has set me free.
For many people, the scattering of cremains is just too 'final'. In a burial, there is a place to go and place flowers and think. I know my daddy's burial site is a sweet, quiet place.
My DH and I have elected to be cremated, we have the columbariums made (my best friend from HS has a 'side job' making caskets and columbariums. We will have these placed in a 'above ground' site, and the kids will buy a granite bench with our favorite quote engraved in it.
My oldest daughter is our executor and while she is not thrilled with our plans--she will carry them out.
My brother was cremated and his ashes split 6 ways. Mom had barely a 1/2 cup of them. They sat in a cheap cardboard box for years until my YB took them and disposed of them.
I know this may be hard on my kids--but in reality, probably not that much. They all know of our plans and if they have issues with them, they can say something now.
A lot of families kind of fracture after the death of a parent. I know my family will do so when mother dies. There's been so much bad blood over so many stupid things---Decide what's worthy of your 'stress' and deal with that.
Frankly, I really don't think your mom would be mad at you if you simply kept her ashes in a lovely urn. I don't think people take grudges along with them into the next life.
Please, if you have cut ties with each other over this - a "promise" made that, at the very least, is logistically extremely difficult and not very practical - then mend fences!
I totally agree with cutting toxic people from your life, and if this spreading of the ashes was just the straw that broke the camel's back, that's one thing. But to cut ties over ashes - ashes, for heaven's sake!! - I think that's quite an overreaction.
Whatever afterlife/paradise you might believe in - assuming you believe in any - do you really think your mom cares? Would YOU want to exist in eternity in a constant state of vexation over "promises" not kept after your death? Doesn't sound much like paradise to me, personally.
Life is just way too short to get worked up over this.