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My husband (2nd marriage of 5 years) and I are caring for his mother. She is in assisted living, but anyone knows, they are not always very caring.
What I want to say is, my mother in law is 90 years old, frail, dependant and needs us. It wasn't always like this.
He has told me stories of this adopted mom who from the time he moved into their home at 5 years old, beat him and his 4 other adopted brother and sisters, whenever she felt. From a can smashed on his head, to welt marks on his body, you name it, she was very abusive. She manipulated everyone. She was choir director at her church where everyone thought she was an angel. But when she got the kids home, she would fly off the handle.
Fast forward to his father dying 20 years ago, and making my husband promising to take care of mom. Which my husband made the promise.
To keep this promise, he had to set boundaries.
When he and his children visited, if mom started an argument, even after only 5 minutes, they would pack up and leave. One time she came after him with a newspaper to hit him, and he stoped her. If mom 'needs' you, she has to live by your rules. Either in your home, or if she goes home after the hospital. We all want to do what is right by the people who raised us. We all want to respect them. We are instructed biblically to 'obey' them. But as an adult there are now some equality. You should respect, but you don't have obey.
Set boundaries. You are not required to stand for abuse or manipulation though.
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cetude Apr 2019
Assisted living facilities do not provide higher levels of care. They will check up on the person and may help with medications.
(3)
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"No where else to go" What if you didn't exist, where would she have gone. It seems like this situation is not something you ( or anyone really) can live with. Consider taking care of yourself. Find a place for her to go. The advice to speak to an attorney us an excellent one. You need to be careful you don't run afoul of tne law. Contact your county (in USA) dept of aging for help. When you do move her to some place else, be prepared for the very nasty behaviour snd recriminations. Consider not visiting for some time until things cool down.
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She is "sufferin" in a way, since dementia is a wasting away disease
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Then move her where you won't be "on" anymore. The state can step in to care for her if she has not made you her POA. And then you can go get some much needed help for yourself.
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I'd talk to my attorney. You may have provided her with a home for too long to kick her out without an eviction. Find out what the attorney says. It sounds like your mom is the ideal candidate for a state guardian. They will place her in a home of some sort on state assistance or with her own assets, and you can just visit her when you feel like it. You will be powerless to move her which is what you want - no amount of manipulation can enable you to move her.

It is very important that you do this with an attorney so you are not charge with abandoning an elderly person. I totally understand the hell you must be going through.
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My heart goes out to you. Its hard enough taking care of a sweet, appreciative parent but when one is as disrespectful, rude and mean as your mother is to you, it can drive one insane.

You will be bitter, angry and resentful and it will only get worse over time. What if she lives another 20 years? Can you put your life on hold to take care of this mean selfish woman?

Please find help with your local senior service and have them direct your steps to get Mom on medicade and put her in a home. I know you will be frightened to do this, you will be abused and accused of abandoning her and many other things. You will guilty I am sure, but no one should have to live with this type of treatment. Saying prayers for you.
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dear working caregiver,
I too have a mother who only cares for me when she needs something... never calls me or even show intrest in me or my husband unless she wants something.
she is in the hospital right now... and I have moved my parapaligic father in with me... Her house is horrid shes a hoarder... My dad has been neglected for years. I never really knew how bad until I started to clean him up.... I was so very upset he had gotten into the shape he was in... My mother and I have never been close and I have always been her beating post... growing up she always yelled at me and I was always made to do all the yard and kitchen work... I cooked well when I was 11.
I guess what I am saying is your not alone in feeling this way... and I struggle so hard and resent my mother and her treatment of me... I suffer from deppresion and anxity. she was on to me so hard one time I broke out in hives.... shes made me cook when I had a broken ankle.... and she treats both of my daughters like crap too...My brother does nothing for them not even calling them but maybe once or twice a year and he lives in the same town that we live in....
My sister lives about an hour away and she wont answer her telephone or come down to help take care of them....So it leaves all the care up to me and my husband... whom are the black sheep of the family. My mother has even told people that I am crazy because I take mental health meds... It is hard as heck to make myself care for her... and my poor dad he really catches it from her.... He is at her mercy as he cant drive and get away from her... I know when she comes home from the hospital she is going to be a hand full on top of caring for my father....
she is demanding, nasty, and talks over you and doesnt want to hear what your saying... she is dying ( she thinks no body has had pain like hers ) I have had three back surgeries and two bladder... and I know part of it was caused by liftting my dads wheel chair when I was nine...I had two back surgeries in april of last year... she didnt even come over to visit me when I got home from the hospital... she never made us food or even called me on the phone... my neighbor was better to me then my own mother....
I am sorry for ranting but it sounds like you and I have lots in common. I guess venting and talking to other people with the same problems helps..
Oh I forgot to mention I had to take leave from my job to care for them.... and one of my moms friends told me that it was easier for me to leave my job then for my sister or brother... She made it sound like my job just wasnt that important...I told mom and dad that what she said was very hurtful and I know it came from my mom. I am dreading the day mom gets out of the hospital....
we are trying to get mom and dads house livable. But I know without her getting mental health ( she would never do ) its pointless to clean... we did that once and it wasnt a month later and it was the same as before... its like spitting into the wind....
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Riverdale Apr 2019
Could you really try to do everything in your power to not have her come home from the hospital, and especially not home to you. Explain the conditions of her home to a social worker. Call APS and tell them all you have told here. Relay that your father is in danger in her care. You must refuse to bring her to your house. It would be better if you could eventually have your father placed where he can get the care he needs. Have they applied for Medicaid? Your mother is an extremely toxic person and you need to take back your life. It doesn't matter what other lame behaving family members say regarding this. They have been no help at all. It may seem difficult but she deserves nothing from you after years of abusive treatment. Please try to make attempts to have more control over your life.
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She had nowhere else to go.

Really? And if you didn't exist, where would she have gone then?

There is *always* somewhere else for people to go; the trouble is they may not like it. But that's different.

Let's start again: why did your mother need to move in with you? How old is she? And what are her formally diagnosed health issues?

By the way - feel better. It is normal and reasonable to feel sick with anger, frustration and anxiety when you have been this badly stressed for this long. Hugs to you.
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Your mom has dementia and she's alone during the day?
It's generally not considered safe for a person past the very early stages of dementia to be unsupervised.

What do you mean " she had no place to go"? Where was she living and what happened that she had to leave?

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. They will evaluate her needs and tell you what services she is eligible for. Perhaps she can get on a waiting list for low cost or Medicaid funded Assisted Living or Memory Care. And yes, Adult Day Care would provide her with much needed socialization.
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Look up adult daycare centers in your area. Perhaps get her involved in a community itinerary of some sort, hobby.

She doesn't want answers to her questions. She wants to be heard, and you want to wind down from work.

You do not want to be bombarded with questions, and she really doesn't need answers.

ASk social services if there are any kinds of senior day care or activities in your area. Perhaps she can do something out of the house one or two days a week.

Maybe there is a volunteer group you can ask to come by a couple times a week while you are at work, perhaps your church or community library or park may have something?

Take her for a walk when you get home..???
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She can go on Medicaid or she can go to a women's shelter.

You said it all when you said she had no use for you, until she needed something from you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and just because you don't have children doesn't mean she can move in and take over your life.

Call the counsel of aging in your area and they can direct you to available services and aid.

Please do not let this person you call mom ruin your life, she has shown you over the last six months how it is and it will only get worse.
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