I joined because I was taking care of my mom, but my aging in-laws came into focus in the last couple of years as well. My MIL (93), an incredibly kind person, passed away in March. My FIL (87) is still around. Before she died, he was (with my husband's help) taking care of her. She was the household manager. She kept things tidy, paid the bills, did the taxes. Six months before she died, he began exhibiting signs of needing help too. He had a car accident, a couple of blown tires, and the home was starting to look uncharacteristically dirty and cluttered. At that point she spent most of her day sleeping in her recliner.
One day he just wouldn't get out of bed. He just refused and said he was fine and didn't want to go to the doctor despite not feeling well. When he refused to get out of the bed the next day (he was also saying some pretty crazy things), the hubs called an ambulance and he spent the next few days in the hospital with a UTI and prostate issue. He couldn't pass the swallowing test and refused any additional intervention and was sent home on hospice which ended three months later once he was fine.
When MIL died, the hubs and I did not feel he could live alone without help. He was forgetting to refill medications, missing doses, not handling the finances, not taking care of the home, and he was falling for people who call on the phone. He also had a fall out in the neighborhood while walking. We decided that the best course for him would be to move in with him and hubs stays with his dad all day.
Moving with us were our two cats. He's had a cat before. He talks fondly of that cat. He pets the neighbor's cat that comes to his back door. For some reason, he keeps chasing our cats. He corners them and makes sudden movements at them, shuffles his feet at them, shakes the chair when they are under the table to scare them, and claps at them. He keeps saying he's going to put them outside. He will then try to pet them, and says he wants them to like him. He meows at them (literally, he says "meow"). The cats are terrified of him. We asked him to stop, he said he thought it was funny. The hubs tells him not to do it, "I will if I want to". And then he plays dumb like he doesn't understand. "Really? You're not supposed to do that? Gee, I'm just a dumb old man. I don't know". I don't get it. And I'm at a loss. I know he likes his bits of what he thinks is funny. The husband says that when I'm not there he's better, but he amps up the behavior when I'm home to get a reaction out of me. I can't ignore him bullying a defenseless animal.
We moved in to help him so he wouldn't have to pay for caregiving help and preserve his resources. It was for his benefit not ours. We were happy in our own home. Now I dread going home from work every day. Any insight would be helpful. How do I get this guy to stop bullying these two very sweet cats? If he'd stop terrifying them, with time they'd probably come sit in his lap.
I do fear that his aggressiveness could turn to a kick, or him even just opening the back door and turning them loose.
I agree, this has to stop. The hubs has agreed to schedule him for an evaluation for dementia. Perhaps there is something going on medically we're not aware of that is contributing to the inappropriate behavior. We have to do something, though.
If your sole reason for moving into his home was intended to be helpful to him, you may be at a point at which you will have to consider that he is no longer able to benefit from the level of care that you are able to provide.
He has shown you in several ways that his cognitive level is no longer functioning efficiently enough to allow him to self manage living in the situation you are providing. He is not happy, you are not happy, and your cats are not happy.
Whether or not he is willing to cooperate with efforts to provide safe, comfortable arrangements for his care, or chooses (if he is able to MAKE logical choices) NOT to cooperate, you are facing the necessity of using some of his personal financial resources to determine the seriousness of his current mental status, and dealing with it.
NOBODY HERE who has had to make this decision for a LO and live with it is ever happy about it, and I’m sure that there are many who get sick of reading my comment that life as a caregiver as ALWAYS having a bunch of lousy choices to make, and making the best choice among those lousy choices.
I sympathize with your concern about the kitties, but his overall profile seems to be indicating that it’s really the elephant in the living room that needs your immediate attention.
Please research ALL OPTIONS, including residential care, and be super cautious about leaving him alone with them.
And yes I did tell a guest to leave my house when they behaved inappropriately with my cats. I also reprimanded my late stepdad’s daughter when she got uppity with Mum’s dog.
Its not the cats per se. The cats = you.
If you and those pussies were gone, his life would be just great.
It would be just him and his son in his home.
I think here could be the tipping point for your marriage. On just Whose side IF to came down to the nut cut, would hubs take? If you said to hubs that it was a mistake to move there and you want to find a new home or apt for just you & hubs, would hubs do it?
If this is how he interacts with animals then he shouldn't be around them, own them, period.
Animals feed off of their humans vibes, that's the hard thing to get over, not feeding the behaviors by being upset, it only increases it. As the posters stated.
I think you should get him declared unfit and begin letting him know that if it's him or the cats, he is the one that should leave.
I think his motive is to play, not bully. He just doesn't know how to go about it with strange cats.