She most likely has undiagnosed dementia. She was hit by a car over the summer and had to go to the hospital and then a rehab program. We went up to be with her for two months but she very much showtimes and hates my mother and I being there. When we are not there she guilts us about being alone but claims she's fine. She needs to walk with a walker and takes medication daily but she kind of thinks this is all temporary and often walks without the walker. We are out of state and would like her to be in independent or assisted living she complains that she is all alone and doesn't see anybody but 'isn't lonely.' She's gotten increasingly hostile with us but loves everyone else. Some neighbors come by to help out but its not enough; we had a caretaker through Home Instead but we could not trust the caretaker due to her taking her to do things without our knowledge running errands on her own time and possibly pocketing some money. We are out the end of our rope here. I know we are likely waiting for the next incident and then she'll goi to a facility and not leave but I would obviously rather have her go before something like that happens. We have had to take over all of her finances and her mail now gets shipped to me because a piece of paper that enters that house gets lost almost immediately.
We have a followup with her new PCP next month who knows about our dementia concerns with her and her PCP has talked to her a lot about needing to use the walker all the time. We know from her friends that she is not using the walker when we are not there.
This week she told us the next day that a smoke alarm went off in her bedroom and she seemed more annoyed that a smoke alarm woke her up and wouldn't stop than that the alarm was going off. Evidently she called her handyman and the battery needed to be changed. I am concerned that if an emergency happened in her home she wouldn't know what to do. She often doesn't have her cell with her in the house and refuses to wear a medical alert.
This whole situation is stressing my mother and I out so much. She seems to actively sabotage our attempts to make things more accessible and safer in her home. It's too much house for her and things have stopped working. Does anyone have any additional ideas on how to manage this? I know we are likely just stuck in a purgatory like state until something else happens but we cannot take her constant bullying and her constant covering for memory issues and physical issues - whenever we ask her about something being wrong we're told 'im fine' or im okay.'
:(
I can manage.
I can do it myself.
I don't need help.
I feel this is *wishful thinking* rather than fact.
I see;
Things left on the floor where they fall. Plates & food scraps left on the table. Spills left.
I smell: unable to manage personal hygiene or rubbish.
I can do it.
I'll do it later.
I hear *intention* but see no action.
I feel powerless.
Anyone feel the same?
What I suspect is Vascular Dementia.
From the NHS.UK
"At the beginning, these problems may be barely noticeable or mistaken for something else, such as depression. But they indicate some brain damage has happened.."
You would be surprised how many people here understand exactly what your grandmother is like without even meeting her.
What she really wants is a reason to complain and someone to villify. She also wants to spread misery and you know that old saying: Misery loves company.
If you and your mother stayed with her 24/7 serving her hand and foot like two Roman slaves and she's Caesar, it wouldn't be enough. She'd behave abusively to both of you and would villify to anyone who will listen.
If you leave her alone like she wants, both of you are wrong and have abandoned her. Then the guilt-tripping begins and the villifying of both of you to anyone who will listen.
Believe me my friend. Everyone on the forum knows your grandmother.
It's good that she's onboard with a caregiver coming in. Did she like the caregiver from Home Instead? This is important.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I hae now opened my own agency. In those 25 years I can't tell you how many times I've taken clients with me to run personal errands. They got the chance to go to a store, for example. Or I'd take a client to my house when my MIL was home to have coffee and get some socializing. It got them out of the house. I always did this with clients of mine who could still be taken out safely. It was good for them and for me.
Who did it hurt? No one.
The caregiver is supposed to do light housekeeping. That is true. The client or their family is supposed to keep money and valuables secured though.
To address the caregiver: yes they do light housekeeping. And yet when we showed up one week after firing her the house was covered in dust, the floor was sticky, etc. I’m glad that as A caretaker you were able to take clients on your personal errands however we did not like seeing the hours that we were paying for going to her personal errands. There were times in which my grandmother wanted to go places but that wasn’t where the caretaker needed to go so they went to where the caretaker wanted to go. This is not the place to argue about the merits of home instead or any particular company because frankly they all work the same but when this was addressed along with other issues their local office did nothing about it.
secondly I know that my grandmother‘s behavior is not unique and that ‘ everyone here knows my grandmother.’ Maybe tell that to the person who said that she wasn’t telling us that she was lonely in order to manipulate us because that’s who I was addressing when I said that they did not know her based off of a post and comments.
this forum is poorly run and I think most of you just like to get on here and beat up other people who are going through horrible situations. In the comment section of another question I saw someone randomly dunk on millennials despite a problematic person that the problem was about age not being mentioned.
my grandma doesn’t complain that’s actually one of the main problems that we have is that we have no idea how she honestly feels because she always says that she’s OK or fine which I’m pretty sure I said in my original post. at the end the day I think she is scared and she’s upset and this is the first time in her entire life that she’s had to be on her own. After months of dealing with the aftermath of her being assaulted by a vehicle and the health and legal ramifications my mother and I are burnt out I posted this question after yet another horrible phone call in which we could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you Beatty for your wonderful comments you have no idea how much we appreciate your insight…
but for the rest yeah you’re right: misery does love company.
The solution seems to be that you either: hire a carer to help out with your grandmother while you're out of state or to move closer to your grandmother. Your grandmother is in no position to be left by herself, finding an experienced carer that can cater to the medical concerns seems like the best option.
For more specialised advice, I would advice contacting dementia charities for advice about caring for family members with dementia or wait for the appointment with PCP
Matilda
Insight is impained.
Reasoning skills needed for future planning are impaired too. So life continues until that crises that will force change.
Just keep giving Grandma choices she can make for herself as they arrive. It sometimes comes down to choosing from 3 shiny aged care brochures 😞. But even then, if we get to choose for ourselves, we feel somewhat better about things.
Insight is impained.
Reasoning skills needed for future planning are impaired too. So life continues until that crises that will force change.
Just keep giving Grandma choices she can make for herself as they arrive. It sometimes comes down to choosing from 3 shiny aged care brochures 😞. But even then, if we get to choose for ourselves, we feel somewhat better about things.