My Mom lost her husband, my Dad in September to cancer. My husband and I live with her, we moved in to help my Mom take care of my Dad and now my husband and I are caring for my Mom, she has dementia symptoms but refuses to see a doctor or counselor, including to help with her grief. Her memory loss right now is only short term memory so she is okay staying alone. My Mom agreed over a month ago that she wanted us to get away for a mini getaway, so my husband and I made plans. Now she is telling her friends how disgusted she is with us for leaving her alone and doesn’t really want to talk to me or my husband. When I asked her if she’d like us to cancel our plans she said no, that even if we were home, she wouldn’t go anywhere with us. That as husband and wife we should go. I feel horrible for wanting to spend quality time with my husband. Am I wrong for wanting this? For leaving her alone for 2 days. We’re only going 45 minutes away. Thank you for your help.
1. Perhaps a discussion is needed of where she could go or who could come stay with her. She possibly wants you to go away but the closer it gets, fears may be setting in of what might happen if she is alone.
2. Short term memory issues does not mean she is ok to be alone. A lot can happen if she can’t remember your reminders of how to stay safe… Even if you write a list she may move it or forget to review it.
3. No you are not wrong for wanting to get away, but consider ways to assure your mom she will be safe and all of you will benefit… if nothing, she may be calling you repeatedly asking where things are or when you are coming home.
is there someone who can check on her while you are gone?
You've raised two points which particularly set my teeth on edge. One is the smell of burning martyr, and your mother is giving off a distinct whiff of this just now. The other is guessing instead of asking: it's much better to ask your mother a direct question and work with her truthful answer than to guess at what her real feelings are in the vain hope of making her always happy about absolutely everything that ever happens.
Just one thing, though. Your short-term memory is what tells you you've left the hot tap running or a pan on the stove, so in relation to her being safe alone at home it is much more important than remembering the presidential succession, for example. How unreliable is hers?
Of course you should be getting away by yourselves! You're newlyweds for pete's sake! How romantic can things be when mom is around all the time?
And when you get back from your little getaway, you need to start looking for a place of your own and perhaps an assisted living facility for mom, where she will be around folks her own age, and can start rebuilding her life without her husband, and you and your husband can finally start your married life without being caregivers.
You moved in to help with your father who has now gone on. It is not your fault that your mother lost her husband and it is not for you and your husband to now become her whipping posts because she's depressed. It's also not for you to have to become her social life. Did your plans when you moved in include becoming mom's caregivers? I'm going to say they probably didn't.
It's time for you and your husband to move out back into your own place and arrange some care plans for your mother that do not include you having to do everything.
Whether or not you should go - and I think, absolutely you should- if mom has really been saying these things behind your back, maybe have a conversation with her about it. It doesn't have to be acrimonious, mind you, but if you're going to continue to stay with her as her primary caregiver, it might be better to clear the air, so to speak.
However, if you've gotten this tale from a third-party, please bear in mind that there are people in this world that take sadistic pleasure in causing this kind of strife between people for no better reason than it entertains them. It could very well be a "friend" asked mom "don't you think it's disgusting they would leave you alone, you, a poor widow? " and when mom made a noncommittal response, this person runs to you with the tale that mom is "disgusted" with you. If you've gotten this information from another person - not something you've/husband's overheard yourself, please consider strongly the source of the information before you condemn mom.
you wrote:
“It could very well be a "friend" asked mom "don't you think it's disgusting they would leave you alone, you, a poor widow?””
i really don’t think so.
in addition, OP knows her mother, and knows whether her mother would say such a thing.
if OP had any doubt, OP would have said, “i’m not totally sure if my mother said this.”
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it’s very hard to feel happy in general every day…or on vacation…when a parent criticizes, tries to make you feel bad/guilty, ruin your day/vacation.
silent treatment (your mother not wanting to talk to you) also causes stress/emotional rollercoaster. nothing good.
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double message:
go, but don’t go…
it’s like “go have fun, don’t think about pooor, miserable me. don’t cancel your plans. enjoy. i’ll be sad. don’t worry about me.”
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one would have to be superhuman to be totally unaffected by one’s parent’s criticisms/etc.
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from this website, we see that many elderly people try to drag down/drown their children.
i’m talking about the elderly parents who do this intentionally.
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it’s really too bad so many of us sweet, caring people are entangled with difficult people, who try to make us unhappy.
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enjoy your vacation!!!!! :) :)
i’m sure your husband is also saying, “let’s enjoy it.”
:)
husbands/wives normally have wise/encouraging words to say to each other.
hug!!!!
Regardless of everything, at 75, your mom should move out of your house *or you out of her house* and become somewhat independent now that your father has passed. My condolences on your loss. Once you know what medical conditions she has, you can go from there.
That said, I'd go on your vacation but I wouldn't turn my phone off. If your mother is dealing with ANY dementia of ANY kind, you need to be available for her if she needs you, in my opinion. She's a recent widow and hurting, in addition to possibly suffering from dementia, so she should get a pass for her manipulative behavior right now, pending a doctor's visit. See if someone like a neighbor or friend can look in on her while you're gone. Short term memory loss is the most dangerous type of memory loss, really, and can cause trouble for your mom if she forgets to turn the stove off or something like that.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything, and I hope you have fun on your trip!
Second, could it be possible that you are missing signs that her memory loss and grief reactions may be more serious than you’ve considered? Short term decision making includes many aspects of self care, and forgetfulness, perhaps appearing to be “absent mindedness”, could mean that she’s consciously or unconsciously fearing that she really wouldn’t be able to manage if you (or someone else) weren’t there to offer her support.
If she has a physician, that person may be informed in a note that you have concerns about her present cognitive/emotional functioning and can do a basic screening the next time she’s in the office, and the information gained may help you moving forward in your efforts to support her.
Is there someone in her circle of friends who might be willing to do “drop in” visits while you and your husband are away? Would you and your husband feel more secure deferring your plans for a bit longer, until you get some additional input into what’s happening to her now?
Overall, it may be time to start observing and noting how she actually does day to day, rather than seeking her input, just in case HER cognitive/emotional situation isn’t quite what it should be.
Tough spot for young marrieds, and all the more reason to be sure of what you’re dealing with.
Hopes that you will soon be able to enjoy some time as newlyweds, AND feel secure that you’re doing right by her too.
You're not wrong in going away--you absolutely need a break. Her dementia might be driving her disgruntlement. Why not see if you can arrange for her friends to run by and peek in--maybe take her to lunch each day--when you're out of town? Then you'll know someone's had a chance to make sure she's doing fine on her own, and she gets to do something nice too.
The more she whines, the more you tell her that fine, you will have to stay in respite care for when we are gone or have a full-time sitter. Either way, SHE will have to pay for it and the prices are not like 1975 like so many entitled elders believe.
She wants to be a reasonable adult? Then she can stop whining about how she can't be alone. If she truly can't, it's probably time to investigate said other options before this gets worse and worse for you.
Mom's memory loss may very well be grief associated with losing her lifetime partner. Dad has only been gone for a few months. Mom's grief in mom's time.
Perhaps she would go to a doctor because of memory loss associated with losing dad. There are medications that could help if grief is the cause.
Enjoy your couple of days away. And turn off your phones. Ask a neighbor to check in on mom. Don't tell mom.
How long do you plan on staying with mom? I would sure get that plan in place so you can return to your own home and lives. You are enabling mom. Time to stop.