I live in Florida, but she is in NYC in a multi story house alone. Refuses to be evaluated cognitively even though there is clearly some decline. I am an only child and travel back and forth every two months to help her. My husband is supportive, but the time away is starting to strain my marriage. He is 76, so I also don't wan't to leave him alone for too long, but his health is very good.
My mother has enough financial security and can afford to move into a retirement community or AL close to me. But she has gone through a lot of trauma in her life and feels that her house is her only safe place, even though it is becoming increasingly unsafe for her to live alone. She refuses to have additional help come in regularly, but I am pushing for that.
She has told me that she is choosing to stay in her house because that is what she wants and she hopes she will die in the house like my Dad did. Part of me understands this and is accepting of it, but another part of e wants to keep her safe and feels that she would be much happier being in a community where she can have more social activities and me close by. She doesn't have friends or activities in NY, as she is a difficult and untrusting person.
Has anyone gone through something similar? Do you just wait for life to take it's course and wait for a crisis to happen? She refuses to give me pOA but I have POA and access to her accounts.
But, no matter what I said or did - and I even took her to look at at least 10 different assisted living facilities - she would not budge or agree to move. And she was of the personality type that if I had forced her to move, she would have made her life miserable, the staff's lives miserable and anyone else around or near her lives miserable (and probably would have been asked to change facilities due to her 'hostility and being uncooperative'.
So yes, I had to wait for her to fall for the changes to take effect. The only saving thing in this entire scenario was that she had all her paperwork in order - will, POA, medical POA, financial POA, etc etc. But honestly, those couple months were stress hell for me as the only child and family member in having all the responsibilities on my shoulders alone.
Maybe visit less, have her wear a medical alert, and perhaps hire a geriatric care manager who could check in on her at least every other week. I did find a geriatric care manager my mother reluctantly agreed to so that they would check on her when I couldn't.
Dignity of choice with added safety.
I also came to realise no-one would let me drive (so to speak) so I had to aim for adding a seatbelt & airbag instead.
I am a 98 year old living in a one room with bed alcove apartment in a 100 person independant living community. My two daughters both have POA of my assets however the elder does all the control and drives me as needed since she lived only fourty miles away. The younger has had a stroke five years ago and refuses to drive although not Impaired.. That's is fine.
Your situation could be out of control in an instant. One little blood clot could do it. DO NOT WAIT!! You are too far away from the situation and your husband is very wise. Take control now . Your mother is showing many signs of senility. We all do! Accept it and whether she does or not... She knows. Tell her your 98 year old friend said to tell her this: my great grandmother said that if wishes were fishes the seas would be full..and the staying there and dropping dead at home is a bunch of wishful thinking!
Your friend, Doris
skilled care facility, is one problem.
Getting Guardianship is another.
I have no answer, but going through the same thing. My mother is 84, we live in same state. It’s mentally draining. Im trying to take one day at a time.
Safety first only her in home not good. Nice you stay two months bring husband next time .
Next time you visit call Area for the Aging for assistant first . of file petition if the courts last results.
Conversing with mother's PCP for assistant lots of help and social worker. Great help .
The house is familiar and her safe Haven.
Blessings
It's taken me quite a while to make peace with the concept of of "what will be / will be" .
Side Bar: The next person that says "You're so lucky to have you're Mom" or "You're going to live to be over 100" will be in danger of getting a very large dose of the wrath of Hedgie. Like it is lucky to have to watch your Mom suffer.
In fact, my mother hated hearing people say it. She would glare at them and say, “Oh, God! I don’t want to live until I am 100! I never thought I’d make it this far!”
Mom lived to be 95 years old but she was ready to leave this earth long before then due to suffering from Parkinson’s disease.
I saw my mother become anxious and depressed in her later years. She missed my father terribly. He died many years earlier.
I don’t know why people think that it’s so wonderful to live to be a century old. I certainly don’t want to live to be 100.