She's alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic, twenty years in recovery and this is very antagonistic to her and I've had many periods of estrangement. I'm sidelined. Recently she's allowed me 'back in' but has reverted to form, and the abuse started again. She's in the hospital and the rage is terrifying. Maniacal.
My mom has been sober for 31 years. But her dementia personality turns out to be a lot like her drinking personality. I can hardly bear it some days. It triggers me all over the place. Her dementia is likely caused by the years of drinking, and compounded by dialysis, which she gets for kidney disease.
If your mom has been drinking this whole time, I'd be really surprised if she didn't have alcoholism-related dementia. It's only going to get worse. Nobody springs back from dementia, as far as I know. You have a right to protect yourself from her alcoholism, and you have a right to live your life free from abuse.
Your sister is coping by staying away. This allows her not only to avoid getting bitten, but also to avoid spending a fortune on therapy.
I do not blame your sister. Whether by accident or design she has found the only answer that works if the situation is what is sounds like.
Speak to your therapist. Ask for specific advice on what you should do to protect yourself. Mention borderline personality traits, if not outright disorder. It sounds to me - thousands of miles away, not knowing you or your mother, just picking up signals - as though getting involved directly in your mother's care will not help your mother but may cause further damage to you. You need to detach, it's important. But I do urge you to get professional input to support you through this.
Do not allow the hospital to bully you. You are *not* responsible for your mother's care, whatever they try to pin on you. It is up to them, with all their expertise, networks and resources, to develop and implement her care plan; and they will do the job just fine. Nothing terrible will happen to anyone if you step back.
Take deep breaths, please keep in touch. Hugs and sympathy.
It is so heartbreaking to love someone who is so infuriating and frightening. I am sorry. But I want to say how fabulous that you have maintained your sobriety. Having loved many alcoholic family members, I know that your sobriety is the single most important thing in your life, without it, you have nothing and can offer nothing.
Your message doesn't really give specifics. But if you (or she) are able to afford a drop in caregiver 2-3 times a week that can be an enormous help.
Even if it is just a 2 hour visit (we used Home Instead in our area, because they offer all levels of help), and someone to run an errand or toss in a load of laundry, it is a break for a day that you will not have to go over there.
My suggestion is to limit the time you spend with her if it is toxic to you. She may be having neurological damage showing from the years of drinking and that can cause major personality dysfunction.
I'm not sure how much you are willing to be involved, but this hospitalization may be an opportunity to get guardianship over her. That would allow you to manage her finances and other issues.
Best of luck to you and remember to take care of yourself
Margaret
I'm sorry for any pain and suffering it involved, of course, but it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise if it compels your mother's health and care professionals to come up with a practical plan for when she's ready to be discharged.
Remember that you can love your mother and still recognise that being responsible for her welfare is beyond you. What discussions are you having with her care team?