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Her refusal to go includes 2-year-old type temper tantrums. I was able to get her to go look at an independent living facility, but when we got there she literally acted deaf, blind, dumb, and asleep the entire time, so she wouldn’t have to live there. I don’t know what to do.

You get legal authority to manage her care (if she is medically deemed unable to make decisions for her own well being, i.e., dementia).

* You do not argue ever.
* You tell her 'we're going out to lunch ... then take her to the MD. Period.

You learn to take control as she cannot.
If she is determined to be of sound mind, you let go.
You learn that you can do so much and you need to stop.
While it is a very sad reality, many elders decline due to a lack of self-care while still being considered legally of sound mind to make their own decisions.

The other scenario that often happens:
* She will have a fall and end up in the ER. Then, afterwards transferred to either rehab or a nursing home (or wherever).
* Call Adult Protective Services (APS) and ask them to make a house call to assess her / needs.
* Clearly, you do not ever 'ask her' to go xxx. You just take her ... it is for her own benefit and she won't understand that ... she will blame you ... you need to know / feel confident in knowing you are doing what you do for her well-being, even if she doesn't understand that.

She is cognitively impaired, scared, likely may not know what is happening to her (brain) ... give her compassion while taking control.

Of course she won't want to move, live in a facility ... with strangers. Who would at 87 years old (well, just a small percentage perhaps). She is doing what she can to maintain the independence she feels she has ... and wants. She will fight to the end for that. Transitions like these are VERY DIFFICULT and heartbreaking for everyone concerned. She will adjust and it may take a while.

You do what you can for her and then you let go.
First, be sure all the legal documentation is in order.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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I've got a question, what happened that she's been living alone the past 5 months? Was there a death in the family? Did someone just "had enough?" Depression could be a part of her problem. I see you're just starting this journey and dealing with finances and such. If she's afraid to go to the doctor, she's afraid of her diagnosis and leaving her home. Dementia is a serious issue and very unsafe. Assisted living or memory care is probable. Start with a facility that offers both so when they decide she's not able to take care of herself, a transition is smooth. I know my mothers facility switched her during lunch and she was OK with it.
Yes,something needs to be done now. Contact family and sit down with mom for a serious discussion. Truth hurts but it lets the loved one know you care.
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Reply to JuliaH
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2 things needed to live alone - at any age - are able to maintain own health and able to maintain a safe environment. If mom can not do either, then she can no longer live alone. Try a telehealth appointment to test for mental capacity and dementia.
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Reply to Taarna
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To my knowledge, if she's doing fine, let her stay at home and enjoy herself. When the time comes for her to at a home facility that will happen, but for now, she's OK.
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Reply to Faith563
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At 87, let her do what she wants or not. When the event happens that requires placement, the chips will fall where they may.
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Reply to LakeErie
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At 87 your mom knows on some level her end is coming; to refuse to see doctors could be part of this, as if 'what's the point?', which sometimes is elders not wanting to risk 'being hooked up to machines' at their life's end. The important thing is her safety; if she can't live alone safely anymore you may need to involve APS. Or as in my mom's case, APS told me sometimes it takes a medical emergency where the elder has no choice and is placed wherever there is a bed available. Good luck; these things are tough but nature has the last word.
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ElizabethAR37 Nov 14, 2024
As an elder myself (87), I can understand not wanting to be overly involved with the medical industrial complex. That doesn't mean I won't go to the doctor at all, but I question a lot of tests and procedures, especially if they are invasive. To what end? I'm not keen on prolonging my life into the "existing-vs.-living" stage.

If the elder has a POLST and written end of life instructions, there's a better chance of her wishes being respected. It's not 100%, unfortunately, but it does improve the odds. I definitely recommend having these documents, in addition to a POA and healthcare directive.
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GCMY12: Contact APS.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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if you call APS and tell them your mom has dementia so it is unsafe for her to live alone and she refuses to move or accept help, they will get involved and force the move.

If you are lucky enough for her to need to go to the ER sometime soon, you can tell them she needs placed and cannot go back home. Otherwise a call to Adult Protective Services is my only suggestion. They can be stubborn as hell at this stage. It's upsetting for all involved.
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Jdjn99 Nov 14, 2024
dcf or aps cannot force a move in any state . They can assist with help I no the home if client agrees but they have no legal ability to do anything . Some states will appoint a guardian but most will not sue to cost
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Mine is 86 and at early stage of dementia……very stubborn. Doesn’t want to go to doctor also. So I told her fine, it’s your life, not fighting her anymore. Just don’t want to hear her whining about things hurting.
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Reply to Momlittr
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Next hospitalization, do an unsafe discharge. Sorry, but your mom is not safe living alone. Please realize this. Your mom should be living in a personal care home with memory care.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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I’m sure at her age you could request a home appointment
old people seem adverse to going to doctors
or maybe say you’re going for your yearly check up so can book hers as well
? Good luck
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Reply to Jenny10
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Get her to the hospital to check for uti and then do the unsafe discharge thing.

She cannot throw things at caregivers. It sounds like she needs to be moved now.
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AlvaDeer Nov 14, 2024
Call APS. This is the duty of the POA. You need medical workup, diagnosis, placement here. This is the duty of the POA> If the POA doesn't understand his duty he is off now to an attorney to get guidance for this situation, which clearly isn't safe for an elder who should no longer be living alone.
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Updated Info: My brother is health care POA, and I handle all her financial affairs. Hi is as outdone as I am. Someone comes in 5 days a week for 4 hrs. She is very verbally abusive to the care giver, and throws things at her. Mom has some eye issues, and was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment 4 yrs ago. She doesn’t take any psych meds.
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Reply to GCMY12
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Tell us all about the current living circumstances and what medical workups mom has had, also about what steps you have taken as regards power of attorney, and etc.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If you are not her PoA then you may not have any power to make her go anywhere or do anything, anyway. Just having a diagnosis won't get her into a facility if she has no PoA or legal guardian. And, even if she does she can physically resist moving and that's on a whole other level.

If you go into her house and it doesn't seem in total disarray, and there isn't rotting food anywhere, and her mail is opened and her bills are paid then she mostly may have some personality disorder causing her temper tantrums.

If there are other signs of declining ADLs and you can't get her to agree to make decisions in her own best interests, you have some options:

- when you go there and she's acting beligerent call 911 and tell them she's agitated and combative and may have a UTI. Go to the ER with her and let the discharge people know she's an "unsafe discharge" resisting help and has no PoA and you won't do it. You cal then talk to a social worker to see if she can be discharged directly into AL or MC. I think first they may want to deal with her combativeness and may put her in the psych wing until she complies with meds.

- if you can't get her to the ER you report her to APS. Take video of the inside of her residence, video her having a meltdown, etc. so that you have proof. Eventually she will become the ward of a court-appointed guardian and they will take care of all her care and decisions and manage all her affairs.

I'm so sorry about this stressful situation. I wish you success in getting her the appropriate care and peace in your heart as to however it happens.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Well first off if she's showing signs of dementia, she wouldn't belong in independent living anyway, so not sure what you were thinking there, but would more than likely belong in assisted living or even memory care depending how far along she is in her dementia.
So other than trying the story line that her Medicare now requires her to go once a year for a physical(which some actually do), and then slip her doctor a note ahead of time explaining what is going on with your mom, so they can "test" her, you will have to wait for something bad to happen that lands her in the ER, and then you let the hospital know that she cannot return home as she is an "unsafe discharge" and they will then have to get her placed in the appropriate facility.
And guaranteed something bad will happen, it's just a matter of time.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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She sounds like a character. My mom refused the tea and cake they gave her on her first visit to the assisted living facility and would not even speak to them, acted as if she was being tortured, glaring at me while I talked with them about her. This might take a while for you to get her to a doctor and into a safer place to live. You did get her to go see a facility, so that's a start. Sometimes it takes a doctor's recommendation, that is if she trusts doctors. Is there any way you could get other people who live in that facility to talk to her or have a staff member from the facility go to her home to talk with her? If the signs of dementia are new and she does not admit to having memory issues, it seems there is going to be a battle and all you can do is keep trying. So sorry.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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You, like many of us, are waiting for “The Big Event” that will land her in the ER and then to “unsafe discharge” and then to a facility.
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