My Mother has always been negative and likes to point out where I’ve gone wrong in life. Looking back I’ve always been treading on eggshells and worried about upsetting her- she doesn’t like my job, most of my friends, my husband’s family-the list goes on. When I had my son who is now 17 she wasn’t afraid to criticize my parenting style which led to lots of fall outs in the family which were glossed over and forgotten about just to appease her. My Dad died 9years ago and my life changed overnight. An only child I have taken on more and more caring responsibilities to the point I’m now with her most days-shopping, gardening, housework you name it. As a result I can’t work full time, don’t see my friends or do what I’d like to do but I’ve come to terms with that. However when I’m with her I can feel the anxiety building, she’s so negative and outspoken and critical of me- I rarely get a thank you- she’s so draining. I’m bad tempered at home with my husband and son and just feel tense and unhappy. I don’t sleep well as I’m so anxious and have a permanent headache. We had a day out with her yesterday. I mentioned my son wanted to go to University - the same one I did years ago and she went very quiet. I knew trouble was brewing. She went on to say why would I want him to go there when I had wasted 4 years there and have been such a disappointment in life? I got cross and defensive as my son was there listening and she started crying saying I didn’t appreciate all the help she had given my over the years. Not a word about everything I do for her. So draining and hurtful and what got to me was my son saying later- you aren’t a failure Mum. I could honestly just walk away but won’t because of the guilt but I just want to be happy and she’s ruining my life. Sorry this is so long. Any advice or feedback would be great. x
This is all on her. She wants to spread her misery. I am struggling to come to terms with this myself. I’ve had some awful realizations that make my head spin and my heart hurt. But I have walked away.
When my husband died (soon after my father died) my mother made it about her. She told me my time to be happy was over. I stayed in my house, in my city, doing my thing. I remarried and had kids, and she called me selfish. Moved her next door to us so I could care for her and she tried to kill herself because she wanted me 24/7, and didn’t want to share me with my husband and children. It’s as if she hates seeing me happy. Weird eh? I want my kids to be happy, fulfilled, kind, and I want the to feel safe and supported.
So I totally get the guilt and your attempts to make her happy and win her approval. Try scaling back instead of a full stop. Next week go 5 times. The week after, go 4. Down to 1 time. Baby steps to start. You may learn that you’re her enabler and she actually should be in care. (I had to place my mother)
Many of us have stories the same as yours. I visit my mother once a month. Now that I’m no longer a slave to her whims she insults me. I don’t react - I just leave. I hold the power.
Take back your life! She has her own life. She is not entitled to yours too!
Walk away . Live your life . You do not need to “ come to terms “ with your mother taking over your life . You are suffering from FOG . Fear , Obligation, Guilt. Your mother behaves like this to keep you as her servant .
Tell Mum she needs to hire help, because she needs more help than you can provide.
I put my life on hold , worked part time for a decade to the detriment of my own retirement savings . I regret not just the loss in savings . I also lost most of my friends in the process . Put a huge strain on my marriage. This all because my mother would not hire help . When my mother died , I got so angry at myself and depressed because I let my mother rule me.
Your mother sounds like mine. My mother was also a critical , lifelong gaslighting narcissist . You don’t have to subject yourself and son to this behavior . Stop treading on eggshells . So what if she gets upset . You have nothing to feel guilty about . You have done nothing wrong . You are allowed to live your life without mum’s approval .
Set boundaries . Read up on setting boundaries with a narcissist . Go to therapy . Learn the word No . Don’t let Mom ruin your life just because she’s old . People have to earn respect no matter how old they are.
Practice “ No mother , I will not do that “.
You have a son with your Husband, not your Mother.
You are a disappointment to your Mother? Seriously?
What is she, the Queen? What has she done so "worthy" in her life, except be obsessed with herself? Does Mom have a 4 year degree?
Get a job with that degree, and find something rewarding to do with your life, instead of tolerate your Mother's nastiness. The time you waste on your selfish Mother you will never get back.
Stop burning daylight.
You CAN tell your mother that you'll be over Saturday mornings, and that's it.
You CAN create the life that you want and need.
You CAN believe that your mother has HAD her life.
Now, go live yours.
Been there, done that. Your not alone. I honestly don't know where to begin
I was where you are!!!! I had to stop doing so much for mom because, I realized I mean more to me than my mom means to me. My family means more to me. My mom had her life, she lived and enjoyed her retirement years, so why shouldn't I.
I read something the other day actually that really struck me. It was about regrets, and the people that tell us, you will regret not taking care of your mom, when she dies. Ya know what, if I kept going on the path I was heading on, the only thing I would of regret was ruining my life, my marriage, me mental and physical health, for a woman that honestly only cares about herself.
I don't regret not doing enough for my mom, I regret those 3 years that I did and did and did, and got nothing in return, but do do do, and nothing was enough or good enough. I was throwing an amazing wonderful life away for a women that endlessly puts me down.
As for the guilt, I don't believe it is guilt. Ya know what it was for me, it was greif and accepting, that I'll never have a mother, that will love me unconditionally.
Ya can't be it all for mom and you don't have to.
I'll check back later, I think I'm going to have more to say after thinking on this.
my life and family. I’ve been so bad tempered and stressed the past few months and it all points back to her- it’s affecting how I treat my husband and son which is why I feel at breaking point now. Appreciate your reply x
Let me translate for you:
“I accept that I am nothing but an emotional punching bag for my mother. I don’t deserve a life. I am worthless because my mother has told me that all my life. She still calls the shots. I will have to wait until she dies to start living my own life.”
Sad, right? Giving birth does not a mother make. The problem isn’t mother. It’s you, because you’re still the little girl who only wanted your mom’s love and approval. I don’t mean that as an insult! It’s very common with crazy parents like her. I mean, if your own mother treats you like garbage, as a kid you accept you’re garbage.
You were at her mercy as a kid. Not anymore. Maybe therapy would be a good idea to unpack why you have such little regard for yourself. You can overcome this!
You're preaching the truth here. I went to therapy and it helped me a tenfold because my mother is exactly like what you describe in your comment here.
Yet you have CHOSEN (I do mean to capitalize that word) to do a lot for her.
Why? Because this IS your choice as an adult.
You have also chosen to take "seriously" her continual critiques of the world in general and you and your choices in particular.
You have assumed the mantle of victim here as though it is an earned reward; you cannot work full time because of her?
No, again you CHOOSE not to work full time so that you can continue to "do" for someone who you will never make happy; happiness isn't her gig and it isn't her goal.
I suggest that you seek the help of a good therapist. Please don't do any of that online nonsense. Those folks get paid almost nothing to do "therapy" and they are worth even less. Get a good cognitive therapist who can shake you up a bit and set you on a different path to bring wholeness and happiness to your life. Your mom is ALREADY quite happy. This is how she likes it. The ball is now in your court. You have a choice to make for your own happiness. Or NOT. Many stay in the role -- and families are full of role-play of the helpless victim.
From the time you were in the school yard you were familiar with the "schoolyard bully", am I right? From the time two girl friends got together to shut you out and make you feel small you were aware that some folks take delight in abusing others, right? Sadly your Mom is one of them. There's a secret to dealing with the type. Steer CLEAR of them.
I wish you good luck, but there's no magic wand. This will take work. And it will take change. And it is HARD work. But you will feel very proud of yourself (and SHOULD) and you will never again need the opinion of a mean-spirited old crone to make you feel worthy--not ever again. You will be able to laugh at her nonsense and that will be the day you know you're healed.
Good luck Nicole. There's no question you deserve this. The only question is--will you CHOOSE it.
Here's some feedback for you and this is how I handle my mother. I hope you will try it.
Basically you tell your mother to cut the crap today or you will not do a da*n thing for her. Then stay true to your word and do absolutely nothing for her. Bring in outside hired help (that she pays for) who does her shopping, errands, etc... If they don't cover everything and you're still willing to help her great. If she refuses to cooperate too bad.
If she's living in your house, you have the upper hand here. So go to the housing court and have her legally evicted. Throw her out. She is not a child. You are under no obligation to house, feed, or clothe her.
The second she starts with the senior-brat behavior, the criticizing, or any other negative, instigating nonsense you cut her off quick then walk away. Your husband, son, and yourself come before her. Stop putting her first.
A couple weeks ago one of my mother's homecare aides was on vacation. So, I helped out. I did this work for 25 years so I know it. My mother saw this as an opportunity to instigate, complain, and engage in some verbal abuse. When I brought her groceries in she started up. So I dropped them on the floor, got in my car and drove away. I don't tolerate senior-brat behavior for one second. I did not take her calls for a week. Let them go to voicemail.
You never tolerate the senior-brat behavior or the gaslighting and guilt-tripping for that matter.
A little F.Y.I. here. The parents who try to guilt-trip their adult kids about how much they did for them over the years, usually didn't do all that much.
No parent gets points for doing the basics of parenting for their own children. It's their job to provide and care for their kids.
Please stop tolerating her crap. You, your husband, and your son will be a whole lot happier and better off if you do.
Cut off the power to your source of pain, which is your mother and her horrible tongue, and then you'll start to heal. Otherwise, anything you try is only a bandage on a gaping wound that requires serious intervention to cure.
Best of luck.
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