I was my mother's majority caregiver for three years, it got a lot for me personally so we all got together to find a placement for her. We did find one and for the last six months we have rotated taking her home for the weekends. She loves it she gets see her grandkids, children, friends, and family but no one single sibling is responsible fulltime. When I went to pick her up yesterday I was asked if we could limit how often we take her out because she resets and becomes rough for the staff.
I hate to be that person but aren't they trained to deal with stuff like that? I do not understand why they feel we should leave her? She loves spending time with us and we all would love to have her be home but I got burnt out and we work fulltime jobs.
Can I just ignore their request? Can they make things hard on us?
That's 2 days out of the week.
I have to think if the facility is requesting you NOT do this - that is, take mom to your house every weekend, thereby giving a likely weekend-short-staffed facility one less person to have to take care of for those 2 days, it's because your mom is so overwrought once she's back that it's harmful to her. At what point do you decide that her "happy" time is being outweighed by her "agitated" time? If she's agitated for one day after? Two? Three? When is it "too much" agitation?
You asked about the facility being trained to "deal with stuff like this". Well, I think of this example - an ER is trained to deal with a toddler who has burned his hand because he grabbed something hot off the stove, but I would imagine most ER personnel would express it would be far better if that toddler had never burned his hand in the first place.
Are the few weekend hours that your mom is happy at your house worth the hours she spends agitated once back in hers? Even if the facility is able to calm her down relatively quickly, why do you feel it's a better choice to put mom through this every single week?
I don't expect you to answer this question, and I fully expect you to be really angry at me for asking it, but I'm asking it anyway - are these weekend trips more about alleviating your "guilt" for realizing mom needed more care than you could provide for her in your home, and so you did what was necessary for mom AND you, and placed her?
This is so hard to explain. Your Mom has become like a toddler. She has no understanding that you are taking her home for a visit. Then u turn around and take her back to this strange place. Yes, even after 10 months its a strange place. Dementia does not allow for this back and forth. They don't adjust well. Like said, you bring the people to her. She has to come to a point, this is her home, her safe place.
Really, the family does no favor to someone with dementia by disrupting the environment. It causes agitation and increased confusion. The difficult readjustment that this family is creating for their loved one, while well-meant, could be doing a real disservice.
Your point is so well taken, and may be one of the most crucial point to consider in deciding whether or not to continue this.
When you say "trained to deal with stuff like that" what do you mean? If she were coming and going with no issues - I highly doubt they would be asking you not to take her out. While yes, they are trained to deal with additional agitation and changes - perhaps they are more concerned with how it impacts your mother to return.
For a patient with dementia - it is entirely possible that each time she goes home - she is happy and content and enjoying her time because she thinks she is going home permanently. And when you return her to the facility - she has to start all over again with processing that she isn't returning home at all, just visiting. And that is frustrating and upsetting for her.
Why do you not understand that taking your mother out of the MC every weekend causes her to become too disruptive for the staff to handle, and that's not a good thing for ANYBODY, including mom? The staff and the facility itself is your mother's home, and home to the other residents as well. Not a place where you drop mom off when you feel like it, and then expect the trained staff to just deal with her shenanigans caused by having her schedule and routine disrupted. Thats disrespectful to the MC staff.
Furthermore, your mom is exit seeking the MC now bc you're taking her out every weekend! She's not able to understand why she must stay in the MC now when she was just taken out of there for a couple of days. If she manages to elope, God forbid, you'll have a really bad issue on your hands due to confusing your mother with mixed messages her brain can no longer comprehend.
Mom being disruptive may be entertaining for HER, but not for the other residents or the staff who have to manage all the upset residents. Sticky fingers and barging into other people's rooms is harassing behavior in a place where everyone deserves to lives in peace.
That said, the MC can indeed ask mom to leave if her behavior doesn't calm down because you refuse to stop taking her out for sleepovers. Thats really an unheard of thing to do in MC. The next step is you try to find another MC who will accept her with behavior issues due to being taken home for weekends, or, you get her into Skilled Nursing.
Your best bet is to listen to what the admin is saying to you and stop taking mom out of there for weekends. It causes her too much confusion. If you must take her out, go out for dinner or lunch and bring her back there to sleep.
Good luck.
She is already in SNF MC cause Medicaid in our state does not cover MC outside of SNF.
I get it may be rude to the staff but what other alternative do families have? Even if we take her and bring her back she will still give them a hard time because she will want to leave with us.
Really only fix to this problem is to not show up. If limting it does not work what is next they tell us to not come at all because she is disruptive to others?
Seems like a weird request I get it though but we also want her to be happy and live life not just exist until she dies. What else can we do if they tell us visiting and taking her out is just too much. Cause even the drop off can be messy because she wants to stay with us and it would be the same if we visit would it not?
Breaking her routine of where she lives is not helpful . Since taking her out at all is causing a problem with a messy drop off then do not take her out at all. This is not uncommon for families to stop taking someone out who needs memory care .
Have the family visit her in memory care instead .
Why don't you instead take turns bringing your families to her place and spend the afternoon together? That way it will be a win win for all involved.
Sounds like you may need to educate yourself a bit more about this horrible disease, so you're better prepared for what is yet to come, and won't be so surprised when the facility asks you not to disrupt your mothers routine so often.
We already feel bad enough that we cannot take care of her at home despite having so many hands because our jobs do not allow us to do.
Her routine is watching ION their words. That is all she did when we did not visit so she could adjust. We suggested things we do at home like karaoke does not care. Knitting nothing.
At home she sings, reads children books to her grandkids, laughs, tells the same story of how her and dad met.
It is 100% a night and day difference.
One time while visiting my Mom at a skilled nursing facility, it was Sunday night and some residents were being brought back to the facility from having a day out with relatives/friends. I sat in the common room and saw how difficult it was to get the residents ready for the night. I heard one flustered RN say to herself "Jesus, give me strength". So unless you witness the aftermath of elders "routine" being disrupted, then and only then will you understand what the Staff has to go through.
I would sit down with them and ask for FULL DETAILS as to what a "difficult reset" actually means. What behavior is she exhibiting that is troublesome to them.
YOU love this. SHE loves this. THEY are relieved of her for a weekend. And no one is even asking for a bit off the price of her meals.
I, to be honest cannot even begin to imagine what their problem is.
That is why I would ASK them exactly what problems she is causing them that they can with CERTAINTY attribute to her having love weekends at your place.
She also becomes more exit seeking even triggered the fire door a couple of times trying to leave. Based off recommendations we did not visit much at first so she could adjust and after she appeared to adjust is when we started to take her out. In total she has been placed for nearly the year we placed her in Jan.
I am so sorry for what your family and your mother are going through.
I have been dealing with my dad for at least 6 years. 3 have been in the nursing home.
We helped him to stay in his apartment as long as we were able to safely. I also moved him into my house so he was able to be with his family and familiar surroundings.
He didn’t do well with any of the choices we made because he still is lost inside.Their mind and thought process changes constantly. We are no longer dealing with reality as we know it.
They no longer know what they want and what is best for them.
You chose the care center because you knew it was beyond your control anymore. Now you need to trust your decision to help your mom and that you made the right choice.
You can’t change your mind and go back and forth with her. Her mind isn’t strong enough to comprehend what is going on.
Everyday & every minute my dad changes his thoughts and emotions .
But I do know, the more changes in his routine, the more he suffers. He is unable to comprehend what is happening and it scares him, making it more difficult … not for the care center or you but for his own peace of mind.
There isn’t any logic to dementia, we don’t control it, it controls you.
You have to make a very difficult decision to trust someone else that is trained to look out for her best interests. That is why you chose them in the first place. They are not a daycare center, they are trained to give your mother the care that she needs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is a long and difficult journey. The dementia doesn’t get better , it will only get worse. The only thing we can do is make them as comfortable and safe as possible. The care center is there to help you and your mom through dementia. You need to trust the process.
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