My parents are both 76 and went down hill this past November. How do I get them in the car to go into skilled nursing facility?

My dad hadn’t had a proper bath or shower in months. His second day in AL the staff got him in the shower. I couldn’t believe it. With Dad you can’t ask, you have to just do it.....C,MON MR K GET THOSE CLOTHES OFF RIGHT NOW!

September, how long have your parents been in the facility?

Which one has the delusion about cameras? I'd treat the delusion as a symptom, first checking for a UTI and perhaps getting a geriatric psych on board if that's not what's causing the issue.

September607, If their primary doctor orders them showers for health reasons, would that override the facility's ability to refuse to make them. This is a sanitary issue and health risk. I think I would have to look for a different facility.

Hi september. This may be a temporary thing as part of their rebellion about moving to a facility and/or a dementia related manifestation. I am sure they are not the first residents to react like this. What do the staff suggest? Eventually it may become a health issue. ksordh makes a good point about their pcp ordering showers for health reasons, if that can be done.

Also it might be good to have their meds reviewed and see if there is anything they can be given to help them with this transition.

Lastly I would say relax and try to go with the flow. It doesn't all go away when they enter a facility, but they are better off than they were. Address problems as you can, but somethings are out of your control. ((((((hugs))))))

I lean the way golden23 does, let this go a bit. I would look into some of the suggestions like suggesting they shower in their underwear or checking for UTI in case one of them is having delusions and taking the other along but it sure sounds like both of your parent's have been life long personal hygiene/shower people so it's habit for them and my guess is they wont be able to hold out if it's just rebellion or adjustment. Try not to give it enough power to make you mad or feel the need to punish them. If indeed it is an adjustment thing or even a rebellion it isn't really directed at you even though it feels that way (and yes even though Mom has directed her anger at you) and if you step back and think about it from their perspective it might even be tolerable. I mean they are absolutely where they need to be and you have done the best thing for them you possibly could by placing them there but consider this from the somewhat demented mind of a person who suddenly finds themselves in completely new and different surroundings. In their room at least they feel they have some control over their environment but by the sounds of it they are suddenly having to shower in a shared space, having to carry their toiletries with them each time they shower rather than leaving them set up in their own shower the way they always have and the shower curtain they chose or towel rack to hang the wet towel on. Even a hotel room allows the guest to set up the bathroom they way they want and offers privacy while you are staying there. For some in their late 70's I can see how this might be a big adjustment and a hard change to accept and feel comfortable with. I can even see how their minds might come up with the idea someone is "spying" since in their minds one of the main reasons they are living in this new place is so there is always someone there to "watch out" for them and be their if something happens. It wouldn't surprise me if they have even heard or think they heard someone say the shower is a high risk place for residents and they can be "watched" for falls or emergencies in the shower this way. Fantasizing about cameras monitoring the shower area isn't a big leap, paranoia often comes with dementia.

Again, let me be clear I am not saying in any way shape or form that this is sad or in anyway not the best thing for them but I know I often forget that Mom isn't operating at the same speed and level I am. It often takes her much longer to reason something out especially big ideas/topics than I think it should and when I don't put an expectation on it, let her take as much time as she needs it always goes much better. Give them some time, as much as they need to figure this out for themselves. Maybe having someone from the facility give them a tour, even if they have already and go over the "privacy" rules in the common areas like the shower but somehow making it clear there aren't any cameras (providing that's true) and or encouraging Mom and Dad to ask any questions they might have. Who knows maybe they got this idea from another resident or saw another resident who does have someone watching them shower for safety. But give yourself a break and don't take this personally, give them some time to settle in and adapt. Have the staff try to help them work through it too but unless they ask you, your parents I mean, don't be part of the front line on getting them to shower. Make sure the things you can are being done behind the scenes so to speak but don't give yourself any reason to think them refusing is directly aimed at you even. I mean you could casually ask perhaps if mom wants that special body wash she likes maybe just to open the door for her to bring up concerns with you if you feel that's important but let the facility staff take the heat for trying to get them to shower, not you. By the sounds of it your parents are hard wired to shower on a daily basis and they aren't going to be able to stand not getting a shower, even with sponge baths, for very much longer. Good luck and it bears repeating, ease up on yourself!

September: I actually had to pull my mother aside and say "You have an odor about you so would you rather hear it from me, your daughter or your best friend?" I'm sorry, but I could no longer escort her to toilet because the smell just about knocked me over. Perhaps APS could help your parents. Idk. Perhaps tell a little white lie, i.e. "The staff said you must bathe because your doctor(s) called and ordered it?"

I agree with others saying to pick your battles. I have found after having to move my dad to four different levels of care (am going to be moving him into LTC this week) it always took about 3 months for him to fully adjust. It took about 2 months while he was in rehab SNF. I have no illusions that this next move won’t also take time. Whenever someone with dementia is moved it is hard on them. I wished it weren’t so. I will not be getting him a phone if I can avoid it. Otherwise he will call me for everything he wants the nurses to do.

How about 'buying' some gadget that 'will pick up any survaillance cameras' - anything will do that has a few lights etc but can do a 'responce' - this shows you are taking their concerns as serious to them & may calm them down - say it is a smaller gadget than the ones used in embassies against XXX [who ever they think is worst Russia/Cuba/ U.S.A etc] - this could also improve your own stature in their eyes because you did something concrete which might help on a later battle

Remember that we are fighting a war & sometimes losing a battle can win the war or losing a battle in their defense can give you a promotion to general in their eyes - hope this helps & if it does then lets us all know with details in case we need ourselves at a later date

I heard about a spy camera detector on one of those computer radio shows over the weekend. They sell them on Amazon for under $20. I just read up on them and they don't do a great job of it, but they look very official. Is there any possibility that this device would help? It's a little black box with lights and an antenna, very official looking! :)