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My apt is tiny. How & where do I start?

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You start by telling her "NO".
She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.

Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.

Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.

Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.

I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
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ElizabethAR37 May 30, 2024
Really like that line about the GR's scythe being sharpened! I hope it is when it's our turn as well!
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Your father is your STEPMOTHER'S problem to care for, not yours! She needs to speak to an elder care attorney versed in Medicaid who can guide her about placing him in long term care. You have a small apartment and no experience caring for an elder with dementia. Period. You likely work, too, so what is dad supposed to do during your work hours? Just because step mom is burned out doesn't mean you are the answer. She can look into daycare for him, in home caregivers, etc. When the going gets tough, we don't dump our spouses off on their children's doorsteps, sorry.

Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
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MargaretMcKen May 29, 2024
How about "Your father is your MOTHER'S problem to care for, not yours"? I've never read that on the site!
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You don’t take him in. Period. You’re not prepared for this, have no experience, don’t have room in your house, and your dad deserves better. Be firm with stepmom and wish her well with HER problem.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Does she assume he’s going to live with you? Advise stepmom to find placement for him herself, in Florida. That’s his home.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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You will be exactly where your stepmother is, overwhelmed and without support. Is there any way you can work with her to find a more suitable plan that addresses his caregiving needs while also guarding the well being of you both? Her plan as it stands is simply transferring her burnout onto you
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Don't let her send him to you! Her husband is HER RESPONSIBILITY.

She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF.
Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her.
Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife.
Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
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MargaretMcKen May 28, 2024
"Don't let her send him to you" is easier to say than to 'enforce'. Co-operation has a lot going for it, particularly for Dad. Being rejected by both daughter and new wife, at a time when he really needs support, has to be about as bad as it comes.
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I am struck by how punitive most of these answers are to a ‘step mother’. If OP’s birth parents were still alive and married, no-one would be saying ‘don’t help your mother’ if Dad had an unexpected serious illness at age 71. There are three people here with a difficult problem, and co-operation is more appropriate than so much venom at the step-mother.
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Southernwaver May 29, 2024
“My apt is tiny.” I’m pretty sure this is what most are reacting to.
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Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, and the care of someone with it can be very overwhelming, I know, as my late husband had it.
This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants.
With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed.
Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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The Step-Mother needs more help
+ the Father needs more help.
This does not = the OP being 'the help'.

There may be burn out, not coping.
There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).

I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.

No.
Throw them ropes.

Advise them how to find their help.
How to find their steps up & out.
Do not be trampled underfoot.
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Reply to Beatty
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You aren’t their solution. They had years to figure out what their plan was.
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