My wife and I have been married 38 years. I retired 6 years ago and had hoped to enjoy my “golden years” with her, but her mother... Any advice?

Have you thought about having a care giver come to your mother in law
Then your wife will feel comfortable not moving her
I'm sure she would enjoy a vacation once she knows she has care and is safe

I agree with trying a slow transition to a more equitable arrangement. Start with small steps by hiring someone to come in to help. Expand that to hiring someone to stay with your mil while you and your wife have a special evening out. Then make it an overnight, then a weekend. Slowly show your wife that the two of you can enjoy one another again. Make a big fuss over the time you have with alone with her, Don't say anything negative about the other times. Rewards work better than negatives.

My mother lived to 106. I am 81. So this could go on a long time yet. She was in facilities. I have a sig other and we traveled. Mother was well cared for.

I hope therapy is helping. Would your wife consider going with you? Biblically, you come before your mil in your wife's list of priorities. Please update us. You have my deepest sympathies for your dilemma. Confrontation may not work as well as wooing - the vinegar/honey thing.

Consider assistant live in care. If she still owns home something you should have done long ago. Get all property out of her name. Agency on Aging can help get her live in help. My mother was in my care then I got physically injured. I couldn't do it anymore great aid from company Assisted Living. But have to be on Medicare so you don't pay. It is a hard road but my family supports each other but her caregiver is great.

I am surprised you are even having any doubts as to what you should do. I know you love your wife and she loves her mother and you have gone above and beyond to do right by both of them. However, there comes a time when the people have to decide which way they are going to spend their lives. Will they live it in a normal way, with happiness, joy and fairly peaceful? Or will they live in circumstances of constant stress, upheaval, non-stop problems. Only those involved can make that decision. Here is what I personally think. If you have the personal resources to care for her (and don't forget your own care and that of your wife down the road), then I would put her into the nicest place you can find where she is cared for. If your wife absolutely, positively refuses this, there is not much you can do. However, rather than divorce my wife, assuming you really love her and don't want to do this, I would try to get caretakers to come in so you could both travel. If your wife still refuses even this, then for heaven's sake, go to the local travel agency and start planning every kind of a trip or adventure that you want and which you deserve and earned. Don't have any guilt trips - just go and enjoy. I always believed that either spouse should force the other one to travel to places if they just are not interested or don't want to - but by the same token, never stand in the way of the other spouse fulfilling their dreams to go places. I speak from experience and I assure you it works. My husband only wanted to play golf and I had a life-long dream to see the world. So I traveled 33 countries by myself and it was the best decision I ever made - and my husband appreciated me more when I came home. Go book your next trip....now. That way you are not forcing the issue of wife vs. mother. Let her do her thing and you do your thing. That way you both win. Go to Florida if you want and then go home and visit with your wife. Her mother can't live forever and then maybe at last you two will get back together.

A merciful God hides the future in misty darkness.
We do not know what a day may bring forth.
Don't leave your wife, but do convince her to tell mom that you and she are going on a vacation for 2 weeks and there will be a nice live-in assistant to stay with her the whole time. Get a cheap new cell phone with a new number...give the number to the caregiver...Do not give it to mom. Ask the caregiver to call you daily but not in the presence of mom. She will wail and complain and maybe even hold a grudge.
God's blessings to you and your wife and to mom.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

For the sake of your marriage, this dynamic must change. Your MIL should be cared for by someone other than your wife, else she falls faint and ill. Your own Golden Years are passing you by.

The odds of anyone living much past 100 are extremely slim. Don't know if that helps much, but the problem may soon solve itself.

Hi

Our journey have just started, but is fairly the same, (I am the daughter and caregiver, with my mother staying with us in our 3 bedroom house and expect 24/7 attention/ reporting, without having dementia), but do not see myself doing this journey for that long so I think both of you are ANGELS.
I am already in need of 'me/ me & hubby time".
We are not on pension yet, but lived sparingly and planned all our live together for traveling, etc. together whenever the opportunity is there, that I can't even imagine, how much more we would want that once retired. Being the daughter I can understand the guilt, your wife may have, but cannot agree more with the comment from "Golden 23", taking small steps and show your wife /(both) they can 'survive' without being there for each other 24/7. There also come a time in life when you may take decisions on the elderly's behalf. I am also a nursing sister and may therefore have a better insight into this situation (but your wife need you, please do not give up on her

Will be praying for you

I have every sympathy in the world for you. I am 56, recently retired, and find myself in the middle of this same type situation. My father is in a long term care facility, mother moved in with me, and now I have no privacy, very little life, can’t plan much, and i am so resentful, and starting to really “hate” her for what she is doing to me. I pay all the bills (she has good income), I drive her most places (she has a car), and yes I Know I sound like an idiot for not putting my foot down. Sometimes it’s easier to give in that deal with the guilt and tears. I really don’t know what to do...oh and she is in beginning stages dementia, somewhat deaf and wont deal with either issues. I am beyond frustrated with her... some days I “sneak” out of my own house and stay gone just to have my solitude. This is crazy.
When she gets to the point where she needs care, I WILL put her in a facility and not look back. Just hope that I am not in health problems by then.

If you leave, who’s going to take care of you?

Jackcooper, one thing you should do is see a divorce attorney. Find out how much you will have left if you leave. THINK WITH YOUR HEAD, not your feelings. It might be better for you to stay and take trips by yourself or with a friend. If you are in a community property state and your wife was a stay at home wife, she will probably get half of your assets. If you want to go to Florida, go, have fun.

All of you who talk about what the wife could do, reread his post. She will not consider moving her mother to AL. He has already told his wife she married him not his mother. She is not listening. I agree with the counseling as a neutral place for him to be frank and honest with her.

Why do you think he will be alone for the rest of his life? There are too many ladies in his age group who would be more than willing to travel with him.

For myself, I left MY mother and My husband. I never looked back. At 65 I remarried, he talked me into it, I wasn't going to go there again, and we have had 19 years of friendship and travel. He is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's but not so far gone that we can't do things.

Sell the house add a small addition on if necessary. Pare down unnecessary stuff, REALLY. Hire someone and get good security cams everywhere. You can monitor all and even speak into camera to caregiver, for less than $50 a room. Works great except on a cruise. Go to elder care agencies to get more tailored answers to your situation. They help alot. Alzheimer assoc turned me on to Easter Seals or similar. They provided $400 in home care and incontinent supplies. Gloves, wipes, underwear, pads for the bed, so many things I had been paying for it out of pocket. And my mom was not super poor and was still eligible. We even got respite care at just .60 an hour and some other entity paid the remaining $ to have someone come 8 hours a week, 2 different days, so I could sleep. I would have been a zombie without the respite care. It helped so much, her home was large with 3 animals and her standards for cleanliness never waned. Save your marriage and take short vacay solo if necessary and try to get perspective.

So, this may sound kinda bold. You've been married SO many years. Can't compare to that. But my love of 13 years left me because I put my mother's care before everyone else. Everyone. I regret not making different choices now. But at that time, I felt so stuck. Like I had no choice. I did, but just didn't see it at the time. And, you are not being selfish. For wanting to be happy. Few months ago I wouldn't have been able to say that. You sound like such a nice person. You're not a monster. I hope you guys get this figured out.

I think you need to do a lot of venting, and I would encourage you to seek counseling to get through this.

None of us will live forever. Your mother in law is on her last few years, if she has that much time.

What your wife is doing is commendable, and when she loses her mother finally, she will need you there to be strong and help her go on. I don't recall if you mentioned whether you both have kids, but when her mother finally does pass there will be a huge void in her life, and she will need those trips you want to take now, and I expect you will both take them together very happily. Maybe promise her a trip to Europe or Hawaii some day.

Of course it's driving you crazy, what you haven't mentioned is if it's driving your wife crazy. Whether she shows it or complains or not, I'm sure it is. Maybe counseling would benefit her too.

Nobody has to be or should be placed in a facility or nursing home. That becomes a choice, and talk to anyone and they will tell you that you really have to watch and advocate for your family member once they are there.

I am sorry, but there are no easy answers, just some that seem to make sense to others, some that make sense to us, and some that make sense to the elderly. Usually, none of those answers agree. When in doubt cry. You have mentioned religion, so I recommend you pray.

Don't let this tear you all apart. Don't consider divorce as an option, and it simply won't be, because it can't be.

What happens if u suddenly r in need of care, who will u wife choose to care for then? I have a similar situation beginning to unfold right now but I won't put my mother ahead of my marriage. My mother and stepdad got to enjoy 20 yrs. of retirement in Florida with no burdens put on them. I have brought my mother to Florid with me for 7 yrs. and this yr. said no more. I love her dearly and will put what safety nets I can in place for her at her home but I won't jeopardize my marriage. When my mother is gone I want my marriage to still b there.

Jack - No easy answers here.

One more thought: Several have noted that MIL will not live much longer. Probably true.

However.

If you simply “wait it out” with the hope that wife will snap back into being Your Partner after MIL is no longer in the picture..... I dunno. I don’t see that option (alone) as being the cure.

Why? Because wife is de-programmed from you — along with being programmed for her mother.

Take Mama out of the equation, and wife is still de-programmed from you.

Did wife embrace her shift in status solely due to grooming and arrested development and over-identifying with her last living parent?

Or did wife embrace that switch (and the crippled validation of being a “self-sacrificing” daughter/caregiver - your marriage notwithstanding) so she can hide from you in plain sight?

So she can be seen as a hero by the outside world..... while sparing herself the stress and scrutiny of divorce proceedings, alimony negotiation and division of assets?

This needs to be sussed out. Gently. Respectfully. Ideally when both of you in the presence of a therapist.

Whether MIL is dead, alive, next door, in your house or in facility care, you cannot make your best plan until you know where your wife really stands.

I sincerely hope this is as “simple” as a Mama’s girl gone off the rails..... and in her heart of hearts, wife misses you as much as you miss her.

But if wife is leveraging her Mama Drama as a de facto divorce (no pesky paperwork, no moving van and all the security of being married), you owe it to yourself to know that.

Your wife owes it to you, as well.

Has OP been back lately?

I think our notion of caring for aging parents is based on a Walton family fantasy
of a large extended family living with a functioning grandparent that still contributes, or else a bed ridden grandparent that the whole family helps out with.
In a bygone era there were large tight knit communities that could lend a helping hand. Consider also the maiden aunts or daughters who had been groomed since childhood to become their parents care givers. Back in the good ole days, folks
recognized that providing care for the aged required a huge sacrifice of time and effort.

Those days are long gone,. I know both of my own parents moved as far away from their own parents as they could and left them to fend for themselves. In this day and age without extended families or tight communities, neighbors who are often strangers, and much smaller families, the whole burden for care usually falls on one or two individuals.

That is difficult enough without the added burden of ever increasing costs of living, medical care which is both costly and prolongs life by decades, and increasing competition for employment. We are now thrust into a much expanded care giving role. Think about all the extra medical appointments, shopping trips, decorating, entertainment, tricky finances, specialty equipment, expanded health care options that were unavailable when our grandparents were alive.

These options while great all cost time and money. We are not prepared for any of this. Yet many who have not been put in this situation, continue to think that it is all like a sunny replay of the Walton's. And those of us who become exhausted, sick, broke, isolated and . burnt out are just petulant complainers. Modern day
care for the elderly is an unprecedented experiment being played out in the lives
of boomers and their parents. People are now routinely losing decades of their
lives to care for their parents. I think everyone's lives should be considered when
care giving for parents becomes necessary.

Jean1808,

No wonder, you have never been married, never had children...... those of us who are or who have been married, at least happily, at some point, know that it takes two people to make a marriage work, not one husband, or a husband, wife, and mother.

I am much older than you and have been married twice, once to a wonderful man who passed away long before his time, and once to someone who "roller coastered" my life for too long, before I wisened up and left.

I love my mother, loved my father when he was alive, but I never would have "forsaken" my first husband with caring for my mother. I would give anything to have him back and enjoy our golden years, but he died too young. Now, this man, the OP, wants to enjoy his golden years, yet his wife won't take anytime away from her mother to be with him. That is sad and very selfish, and as others have pointed out, perhaps she just does not want to be married. Why else would you isolate your husband????

Live in the here and now, not in the past and what could have or should have been.

There could be a third answer here. Find a place that is decent, retirement home or
while you travel. Check on her and also when you go the firs time see if she has been doing okay. My brother used to do that so his wife and him could go some where while mom stayed in assisted living place. Just remember your vows to your wife. Isn't she part the most part of your life. Kindness to your wife is needed more in her situation. Do some looking. Take your wife out while someone comes to watch you mother in law. Talk with her about it and be understanding too.Talk to your children.

Agree with sir002
Respite care at an AL is often available. You could then travel freely if MIL in respite care. Maybe she would consider living in AL once she had that trial stay. There is also in-home care possible. Both options are costly, but would give you much needed freedom and ability to travel.

Well Jack, I will answer your question honestly: Yes, I believe there is some selfishness on your part. I completely understand your reasons to feel how you feel, but having been married for a long while as you and your wife have, haven’t you both realized that a key part of a successful relationship is to learn to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to feel and think like your loved one does?

See, to you an Assisted Living Facility may seem like the logical and easy option, but your wife thinks and feels differently than you, and she is entitled to because she is a completely different person. She is by no means failing her vows by being what she feels translates into being a good daughter, and no human being with the heart in the right place would make a loved one that is already under a lot of pressure, choose between a parent and a husband.

Now, what I do believe is failing or missing here is a true effort to find a middle point. For example since you said that your wife has the means to place her mom in assisted living, why don’t you work with your wife to try to look for an alternative option, like in house care at least 2 days a week and for extended periods of time if you guys travel. But of course try the help for a while so your MIL and the caregiver to develop a routine, then your wife will feel more comfortable leaving her mom with a caregiver. I don’t believe your wife would oppose to that, because if you look at the situation objectively, she is the most affected one likely very tired and worried about her mom, about you, about your marriage and about her own life. Being an only child (I’m an only child) with and elder and ill parent is one of the most difficult situations there is Jack, coming from experience.

You both need to realize neither your way or her way has to be THE way, try to seat down calmly and talk about this. Share with her how you feel and what you would like to do: help find an alternative solution, TOGETHER, because you love her. And please suggest it an as advice, as a help offer, don’t make her feel guilty nor attack her, she is simply doing her best, but ‘her best’ needs a few modifications so that everybody can receive a fair share of attention, including herself and you.

Also as a side note, remember that in reality when we marry someone we are marrying their family too, no matter how much we don’t want that to be the reality to be such, but it is.

Also reality is that you have stated that you love your wife, right?
” I’ve looked forward to enjoying my retirement with the woman I love”
If you love her, why would you leave her? Seems like her main issue is her caring about her mom, that is far from being an enough reason to leave someone, specially because as you described the situation it is not like her mom lives in your house changing your marriage dynamics completely, I know she does require a lot of attention, but trust me, the situation could be much worse.
Plus if you did leave her, what would you do?
Would you be able to be happy leaving your wife behind?
Is a free retirement more enjoyable than being with the woman you love?

I truly hope that when you wrote this you were having an “I’m done, cannot do this anymore’ moment, which is fine, we all have those moments. But I think that your heart is in the right place and you love and more so you admire the woman by your side, because there are not too many people in the world that choose sacrifice over their convenience and self satisfaction. Talk to your wife, with love, find an arrangement that is suitable.

A hug hug and best of luck and light so you can enjoy your retirement with the love of your life, no matter the location!

Have you told her you feel it's impacting your marriage?

Personally I've only been married for a short time, but I am a professional caregiver and see this very often within family's, where relationships get strained due to the stress of a child taking care of their parents, whether it's between siblings, or extended family. I see ho rew the same can apply to a marriage. I absolutely do not see anything selfish about feeling the way you do. As a caregiver, I personally see a counselor every so often to just kinda help organize some chaos. She told me that while you can enjoy, as I do, in your case, have to, take/ing care of someone else, but you can't put your life on hold for them. Because your time and life is just as valuable as theirs and to each individual MORE important

Rosses003, well you've done a fine job of making the man feel guilty. Did you really hear him out? They've been married only 38 years and his wife has been overseeing her mother's care for a long time. He has been included in this. His wife has "absolutely refused" to consider assisted living. I disagree about marrying someone's whole family. There is a point beyond which one does not, for their own mental health state, take on everyone's burdens. In love, you do the best you can, but there is a limit. The voice of reason says that no one can fix everything, but this man's wife seems to have forgotten that she has a marriage, in her devotion to her mother who has lived a longer than usual lifetime. Give her husband a break!

Everyone is allowed to have their own thoughts on a matter. Just because our opinions differ which they often do, does not mean we need to be down on those we disagree with. It is for the OP to sift through answers and apply what he feels.

Just saying

I think a great deal depends on whether the wife still wants to be married to her husband. If caregiving mom is just an excuse, then an AL, etc. will not help.  And the deal with an elderly parent can be that they always have to be figured in to what the couple want to do.  In that sense they come first.  Which needs a lot of patience and honest discussion between spouses.

Just read a lot of the other posts. I responded before also. But. My two cents? I just hope you guys can figure this out. Everyone deserves happiness and peace of mind. However you can work that out. And it doesn't always work out the way we have envisioned. Good luck to you.

jack -thanks for the update. it is a very challenging situation. My prayers are with you and your family.

Good to hear you're still with us Jack.  We care about you and your marriage.  Guess you could say it "hits home" with a lot of us.  Have you considered showing this thread to your wife?

Jack, how is your marriage as a whole? Do you and your wife share anything? Or is her time wholly devoted to her mom?

I ask because it seems like she is only looking at her mom and how she herself feels. Does she know that you are so burned out with this situation that you are considering giving up everything to find some freedom from MIL duty? If not, you should write her a letter explaining exactly how hard this is and it is time to figure out where your relationship stands.

I have to say that your therapist should not be telling you to leave or that your wife should be there, if you are serious about marriage counseling, you need to find an unbiased counselor, yours is not.

Have you considered being a winter visitor to Florida, you could go without your wife, have a good time with your buddy, she can do mom duty and have her fun, then you both can see if you are interested in continuing this marriage.

I wouldn't give her everything, that is not fair and you have put up with her mother interfering for 25 years, you deserve half, including selling houses and splitting the proceeds, she may wake up and realize her house of cards will tumble down if she doesn't just tell you what she is really thinking, feeling and wanting.

You are not a wimp, I assume you have been a loving, indulgent husband and 38 years is hard to give up. Write to your wife and see where it goes. Unfortunately, marriages do end, especially when one person is not fully committed to the survival of the marriage.

Jack, I hope you get what you want, but I hope you are very certain what that is.