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When their needs impose excessively upon your wife and your marriage, your in-laws no longer get to call the shots.

Sadly, your wife will likely have to continue as she has or withdraw until there's a crisis that leads to a major change. If they're cognizant, perhaps she needs to sit them down and make it clear how the level of care is affecting her.

Too many people just don't state the facts and have an adult conversation with their parents, so I'd advise starting there before the crisis happens.
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Nickname Dec 2022
Thanks MJ
What you said makes perfect sense. I believe that there is a difficult conversation that simply has to happen here.
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Nickname
It is a difficult time for your wife with so much responsibility. The really hard part is for your wife to establish appropriate boundaries to keep from burning out.
The more she does, the more enabled they are to refuse outside help and for them to expect your wife to do it all. It isn’t sustainable.
If your MIL is expected to get better and be up one day soon, then your wife can perhaps cope knowing that. If this is MILs new normal then it will only get worse.
Does your wife have the in-laws POA for medical and financial matters?
It is a fine balance but your wife should consider backing away until the parents agree to hire help. If they have original Medicare insurance, MIL would be eligible for home health. This primarily provides a nurse to check on MIL weekly and an aide to bathe her. This aide could show your wife easier ways to change the linens etc. It isn’t housekeeping but it does help and it could get the in-laws accustomed to having help come in.
It is time to have the difficult conversation. They must have help or they must move into care. It is no longer about what they want, it is about what they need.
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Nickname Dec 2022
We don’t have POA so decision making is somewhat difficult. I appreciate the ideas about Medicare - we’ll have to look into those options. We’re learning as we go and really I’m glad to have found this website to find comfort in the fact that we’re not alone.
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Nick, welcome!

Does your wife WANT to do all those tasks?

Has she ever told her parents that they are expecting too much from her and that it is affecting her mental and marriage?

Has either of you investigated what outside help is available?

They can refuse outside help, but you and your wife have the right to withdraw from their care. In other words, their right don't outweigh YOUR wants and needs.

Consider telling them that you are taking a 2 week vacation and that they'll have to make other arrangements. Are they competent enough to do that?
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Nickname Dec 2022
Thanks Barb - being high risk, we stayed away from them for 6 weeks during the pandemic. That was a difficult time but they managed to struggle through. However, with the deterioration in their health over the past 18 months, this is no longer a sustainable option.
My wife wants to help but I’m concerned she’s burning out.
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