I've been caring for my Dad who has Alzheimer's for 1 1/2 years while my Mom has been in Skilled Nursing... He finally relented and they moved to their new "apartment" in a AL/Memory Care place last week. I scrambled and had several friends help move their biggest bedroom items and over this last week have it all set up nicely, made sure they both had items they wanted in the small apartment they share and have been there daily with items my Mom keeps coming up with that she needs. After all of this, I have barely received a thank you, not even a hand written note for Christmas nor for my birthday which was on 12/27. I've been doing everything for them for all this time and my Sister and her husband who live a 2 hour drive away have only been to see them 3 days in the last year and a half came in to help move the big stuff and it was like the President came to visit. BTW I work full-time and am still the top sales person in a stressfull industry...they do side jobs when they can get them. My Mom keeps asking more and more from me and I want to help them transition but still keep what little sanity I have left!
Your parents are in assisted living for a reason. Staff are available to assist, so start letting/making them do their jobs. Time for you to do a bit of transitioning for yourself. Turn off your phone, make yourself unavailable in small doses, then extend those periods.
Only attend to matters that staff cannot, but even then do that when it suits you, not your mother. Be very conscious that seniors can and mostly do become very self centred, it is all about them and bugger everyone else. Your parents happiness is not your responsibility, that is entirely up to them, dementia or no dementia, transitioning or settled. As long as they are safe leave them to get on with their new lives so you can get on with yours. Restrict your visiting to suit you wherever possible. If it helps, visit at meal times when they have to concentrate on food instead of nagging you. If it helps, dont tell them when you will next visit so they are not pre armed with a list of demands or grievances. On arrival announce how long you will visit and why you have to leave. My favourite for me is to say I cannot drive at night. Works a treat, even at lunchtime. You might become even less appreciated than you obviously are now, but that to my mind is a small trade off for having a life of your own and reduced stress.
My doctor told me the same things most of you have said this afternoon when he prescribed high blood pressure medication which I've not had until all of this started. He has been monitoring it and this time it was so high he was adamant that I begin taking it and to stop trying to do everything. I've gained over 30 pounds throughout this journey and haven't taken care of me....my fault but today's visit really was an eye opener!
2020 will be much better and I'm going to start taking care of me!
Many years ago a doctor wanted me to take cholesterol pills. I declined and had to work out myself what caused it to be high (it wasn't previously.) Doctors were of no help, because at that time their idea was too many eggs, bacon, meats, etc and that wasn't me! Two things I did - change diet (it was primarily processed foods contributing) and joined the gym they just opened where I worked. Treadmill only, didn't use the "programs", just started with a good pace on level and slowly increased speed and incline. As a bonus, 2 weeks after starting this, the weight started going down! After about 3-4 months, I lost 20#. Since then, I try to maintain a good diet, including eating mixed nuts, and my "good" cholesterol is always much higher than is suggested (higher is better!) and although the total is over 200 (recommended level) it is up a bit because the good is so high. No pills!
You never know - focusing on yourself and reducing stress and weight might lead to a healthier happier pill-free you this year!
The advice you have been given hits the nail on the head. I know we all love our parents and never envisioned these independent, well versed people in the situation that they are in now. My mom is a very independent person and was the family care giver, nurse, accountant, organizer, etc. She was my go to for everything. She is a widow now and resides in a MC unit. It took me so long to remove the guilt from myself for placing her in there, and realizing that i could not take care of her myself. I also have read in the other posts that if you don't expect much from siblings, you will not stress yourself out. Amen to that. I love my brothers but i have come to the realization that their visits to mom will be what it is ( they are not far away from facility, but choose to visit perhaps once a month, if that). My suggestions, pleads, etc., fall on deaf ears and i now know that it is what it is. My visits are at least four times a week which is fine for me. When mom lived independent, i was at her apartment daily. Do let the staff do their jobs and let mom adjust to her life. Take yours back, or you will be in a facility also. As long as you can see that she is clean, well cared for, and you have a good relationship with staff, take care of you, and you will be amazed how your emotional, physical and mental state will improve.