Hi, I put all my info about the situation in my profile.
Long story short, Susan my neighbor is disabled and should ideally be
in an ALF. She outlived her spouse and subsequent partner, which is how I met her. Her only family are two much older siblings who live several hours away and she insists they would put her in a nursing home. I met them once, almost two years ago and pulled the brother aside asking him to step in and help. He agreed she is vulnerable, but nothing came of it.
I took Susan to our local Texas state elderly care services office and she sat down with a counselor who told her she being on Medicare and her income being $ 2,900 a month, she does not qualify for any state assistance. She would have to pay for home care service out of pocket. She is only eligible for nursing home placement. Susan owns her own small home outright, the counselor advised her to avoid the nursing home route as she seems okay to live at home for now. I got Susan on Life Alert because she uses a walker and falls sometimes. I cleaned her house of tons of junk and cleared it up for safety purposes. The doctor advised Susan to give up driving due to all the medication she takes. Susan has a housekeeper that comes in once a month to deep clean and someone else to do yard work.
Susan asked me to help her out in exchange for $250. I take her to Walmart once a month, prescriptions twice a month, dinner three times a week, scheduled doctor appointments which vary and any errands she needs, all using her car and I carry her credit card with me. I also collect her mail and take out her trash. The toughest for me are the dinners, she is a very picky eater and refuses to get Meals on Wheels. I only cook for her occasionally because she does not like the same kind of food as me and it is just too much work. She likes a particular flavored water that I have to go out and hunt down because it is not always stocked at Walmart. She insists the dinner be served hot between 5 and 6 pm. This led to me getting hit in her car from behind in traffic after a few months. The accident report, reporting to her insurance company, etc. I just blew up this summer and yelled that I can't be her damn Fairy Godmother all the time. I said it was too much, and she said she would pay me $ 500 so I stayed on.
I told her that I am having financial issues and that I need to get a full time job and that maybe a room mate would help. She asked me to find her a room mate, I placed an ad on Craigslist and have referred two women to call her, not sure how that will turn out. She called a church and now I have to take her to that church on Monday at 2 pm to interview a possible person to replace me. THEN Susan called me back and said I have to take her the next day, Tuesday to the hospital for a procedure. I blew up, frustrated mad because I need to work for myself to get money to pay my own bills. I do not make anywhere near what Sue makes and I have a mortgage. My own financial situation is dwindling and I am scared. I have no idea if she will find a replacement but I hope she does. She chronically complains she has no money, I have no idea what she spends it on. She refuses to ask a banker to sit down and help her with her checkbook. She would gladly keep the money she pays me if I didn't need it so much.
I am concerned that some readers here misunderstood and thought that you were using your neighbor's credit card for your own purchases. You aren't. But if they misunderstood, then your neighbor's siblings might also. People can turn into monsters when there is money and estates involved. People who show no interest or concern for the family member, suddenly show up with demands. You needs to make sure that an elder attorney writes everything up legally and that you keep copies of all receipts.
I do feel for those in the gap, who can't afford assisted living and can't pay out of pocket for the care they need. But if you aren't careful, you could find yourself in the same bind. Please take care of your own needs first. Get that full-time job, and make it clear to your neighbor that she needs to check with you on availability. Your pay of $250 a month is not okay. Home health agencies charge $25/hour or more with a two-hour minimum. $500 is better, but not if it prevents you from working another job. You need to clearly delineate your availability and boundaries. If she can't observe those rules, then you need to stop entirely.
You are an angel on earth--and you're being horribly used!
This woman has found in you a cheap go-fer. And you have slowly become her crutch.
All the things you did for her--very, very kind--but running around looking for the special drink--that is just too, too much. You MUST pull back, and find a job that doesn't wear you to a sad nub while you're at it.
You know why I know this? because I did the exact same thing for a woman in my neighborhood. She seemed so completely and utterly lost--her home was in foreclosure, she had just had her 3 (terribly behaved) grandchildren dumped on her with zero support paid by her son for them and she would just sit in her filthy house watching TV all day, everyday, sunk in a depression.
I went to visit her one day (I really did not know her well) and her sob story got to me. I spent 5 months cleaning, buying groceries, tending and finally encouraging her in her desire (well, need) to move to a smaller home and get the kids adopted out. (She's 70 and too old to be raising a 7, 11 and 13 yo!!)
She rented pods to move all her stuff into. I was there every single day for up to 12 hours. I paid for the pods to be stored. Got right up to the wall about moving--and her son showed up and said he didn't want her to move--he stayed 3 days and then hasn't been back in over a year. She has no idea where he is.
So, her house is empty. The pods are costing ME $800 a month and she has nowhere to go. Back to sitting all day long in the ONE chair that's in the house and watching TV. Begging me to come help her move BACK into the house.
Not only did I NOT move her back into the house, I refused flat out to do anything to help her stay in a house that is always in pre-foreclosure AND I froze the CC's and wouldn't pay for storage. (I did get reimbursed by our church, eventually for the $4K that I spent on the storage, but I was still out about $1500 for 'sundries'.)
She's in a bad situation, but it's of her own making. She has worn out every single neighbor and friend. I am not alone in this. I had a 'come to Jesus' with her about a year ago and haven't had any real contact with her since. I told her she was literally killing me--and my hubby wasn't even speaking to me over this. She was FURIOUS.
With people who are used to using and being bailed out of bad decisions, there is never enough you can do for them. I learned that the hard way. The ONLY way to get away from being involved with her was to cut her off, almost completely. I had to be harsh with her and that is NOT my usual dynamic. I LOVE to help people and be there for friends. But not for extended periods of time and not for no pay or lousy pay, in your situation.
Walk away. She knows she's got her hooks in you, believe me. She's done this before and she'll do it again.
I know you live in kind of tight quarters and you'll still see her. Pat yourself on the back for the good you did and then turn a blind eye to her.
You are young enough that a PT job will be something to look
BUT--this isn't friendship, this is abuse.
It's been a year since I helped this woman. It made me question my ability to read cues and keep boundaries. I've had a really bad year, recovering from her.
Good Luck. Be tough. I know it's hard.
#2. Find yourself a fulltime job and notify the county social services office and church folks that you have written to her family and you cannot handle this anymore because you need to work fulltime.
#3. Pay back any money you owe her for the credit card purchases and get a receipt.
#4. Just know that this is going to get worse & worse. When it does, her family will not thank you, but instead, think the worst. That is very common so they will look to see about money she has given you. This is a train going nowhere and headed for disaster. Pay her what you owe her and remove yourself from the whole situation. Just be sure everybody is notified first.
Shari updated in Discussions.
I agree with alot of the other answers. You are being manipulated and being taken advantage of. Do yourself a favor, check with Oasis, A Place for Mom, or some other agency to help you find group homes. they are less expensive than the traditional ALFs and more cozy with 24 hr supervision.
Get. Out. Now!
Reading on a new thread, you have succeeded in ending things with your neighbor! That was a fast "recovery". Good for you!
If ever you find yourself doing something you don't want to do and getting angry, just check back in here and someone can set you back on the straight and narrow.
You are still a kind and caring person even if you have backed off from this particular neighbor. You can still love your neighbor from a distance.
When you do receive that urgent call from her, (bound to happen), have a plan...."I cannot possibly do that", and check in with your new AC friends.
The independent is run by Holidaytouch.com, nationwide--- check them out.
It takes a village (or one village idiot) to help an elderly person live "independently." Don't become the "village idiot" or your life will not be your own.
It is SAD and we often feel like crap for feeling angry and resentful toward a vulnerable elderly person. But they quickly become demanding and seem to think they own us and our time. Susan probably believes she is paying you a FORTUNE to do these "small tasks" for her, which are not small at all.
You MUST pay back that CC money you owe her. Hope you paid it with a check and keep a paper trail. It is also very strange about her missing settlement money from her employer and her monthly money running out. Do you ever see anyone else coming or going? Does she leave her house with anyone else? Makes me wonder if a family member has access to her checking account.
Is she able to use a microwave? Do they have the food delivery services where you are, such as Uber Eats, Door Dash, etc? Is she able to use a smart phone and an app? She needs to avail herself of the technology that is out there and stop enslaving others.