It seems like most of the situations I read about in this quorum revolve around Children of parents with Dementia or Alzheimer’s or wives with husbands of same but rarely of Husbands with Wives suffering from these disorders. Perhaps it’s because Husbands are reluctant to seek help when they have been the ‘Fixers’ of problems and now have encountered a problem they can’t ‘Fix’.
I am a ‘Fixer’ who has met his match and am sadly at a loss to come up with a solution.
As my wives Dementia creeped up on she’s had the normal symptoms, short term memory, forgetfulness, accusations of adultery, etc. recomposition of past memories, all conditions that could be dealt with by agreeing with her or changing the subject (Not the Adultery, I drew the line there). It’s the anger that is driving the situation, now. She has always had a hot temper, but manageable, or we wouldn’t have been married for 62 years. It was a series of anger tirades that brought us to memory care before either she or I suffered severe injuries. First the hospital, and after a two week stay where meds were adopted, the decision was made that I couldn’t manage the care for her at home (Incontinence, Spotty eating habits, neglecting taking her meds, and still going through angry moods). I believe I have selected a good Memory Facility but even though I visit her regularly about every other day bringing one other person (Either one of the daughters, or the Grandkids or just friends that she is acquainted with), when talking to her on the phone she insists that I never have been up to see her and demands to know why not. Similarly, she talks non stop on why I can’t get her out of there and bring her home. Not easy to shift to other subjects when she is so locked on these two complaints. Visiting situations have disintegrated because of Covid-19 and inability to touch or hold her which has a calming effect. Can’t do that over the phone either. I’m not blaming her as I would feel the same if I were in her place. The thing is that I don’t want to end our final days at odds with each other. I want the old adage, “Love will Conquer All” to prevail but don’t know how to achieve that goal.
It's all just part of the disease and you can't argue her brain back to reality. Accept it and let it go, as hard as it is. Try to agree when you can to keep the peace. I hope that you find many more days of agreement.
After this explanation he also stated it is best to not argue, I found it difficult to be accused of taking his shoes or turning off his TV while visiting him at the Memory Care facility.
While it is great you reached out, as most men do not, and being a fixer is a wonderful trait, while you wife isn't fully fixable, the best fix you can do is continue on the path you are, bring friends, family etc as allowed, visit frequently. Accept the fact your wife is not doing these things to be mean or to create problems, but she honestly doesn't know what she is doing and deep inside she does love you. Whenever possible try to redirect a conversation especially if it is one that will lead to an argument. Such as when she accuses you of adultery.
I wish you the best
First of all, I am so sorry for your situation. My mother is in her 5th year of Alzheimer's and I am her main caregiver so I understand how difficult your life has become.
It is obvious that you love your wife very much. So it is very hard to hear her accuse you of adultery and that you never come to visit.
I have a suggestion. You know by now that you can not convince her of the truth. All she knows is her reality in her mind. So instead of trying to convince her of your reality, why not join in her reality and have some fun while you are in it. It might calm her down if she feels acknowledged.
For example, when she tells you that you haven't come to see her. Say she's right and that she must miss you so much.
When she accuses you of seeing other women, tell her those other women can't compare to her. They tried to keep you from coming to see her but you escaped, that is why you just now got here to see her.
Be creative.
I don't know if my suggestion will work. If you do decide to try it, let us know if it works.
This phase your wife is going through will pass. For my mom, it did. Now my mom hardly talks.
Hugs to you and your daughter.
After reading through several responses, I can say, I know exactly where you are. Caregiving is not for sissies. My father and our family have been through the same situation when we had to place Mom in MC during this wonderful covid period. A week after placement, my parents "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. My parents have always been "dating close" to the point, as kids, we used to tell them, "get a room" all the time.
Upon placement, Mom had a tough time with some aggression and exit seeking, but meds and reassuring phone calls with dad helped ease her transition. Though my mom was unable to use technology, staff would help her call us, or bring her to a phone when we called the desk, but it was always the same thing...accusations, where have you been, and the worst, "Why did you throw me away?!"
Brutally hurtful, yes. I cried after every phone call or visit...we could only physically see her once a week due to covid scheduling. Staff always told us that she was doing fine and that she was happy there and enjoying activities. She was a staff and resident favorite, always talkative and smiling. With us, she was crabby, they didn't feed her and she never did anything..."just take me home." Then I finally realized....saying the things she did, with her dementia, was her only way to tell us how much she loved and missed us. Instead of getting upset or arguing with her, we would just tell her, again, how much we loved and missed her too. It seemed to satisfy her and made us feel better.
So, I guess my advice is...it's all about perspective. Our loved ones can no longer communicate the way they used to, so it's up to us to figure out what they really mean. Like my mom and dad are each other's forever and ever, your wife still loves you as much as she did the day she married you. And she says that every time she argues with you. I wish you peace my friend!
Second. You are stronger than you think you are...
Third. My experience is with my precious Mom-In-Law whom I love just like my own mom and I am married to a wonderful "fixer" / rational thinker.
Here's some things to consider:
Once you are able to accept that the beautiful person you have shared your life with now lives behind a curtain - so to speak - the easier it will be to resolve in your mind that you are now taking care of her temple - the place where her soul resides. Alz/Dementia occasionally will allow the person to peek through that curtain and those moments are very precious. Those are considered short spurts of clarity and would be considered good days. Most days will involve human compassion and wisdom to accept this new "normal."
It's OK to step back, set some boundaries and live your life. It does not mean you are unfaithful, unwilling or uncommitted to ensuring she has the best care. It is good you have family around you for your support.
The best piece of advice our family neurologist (specialized in geriatric disease and health) has given us thus far is: Remember, you are dealing with the disease - not the person experiencing the effects of the disease. Anchor yourself in knowing there will be good days and bad. Leave them at your doorstep when you return home after each visit. Most Alz/Dementia patients know in the beginning stages something is happening to them which makes them feel scared, afraid, and lacking any personal control to do anything about it.
It sounds like she is in the earlier stages of the disease because angry tirades and aggression are key symptoms that seem to be mostly controlled with medications. Attempting to reason with her will only cause you considerable heartache and frustration. Perhaps consider developing a series of repeatable statements to address her concerns each time she brings them up: (ie. Q: "Why can't you take me home?" A: "You have been diagnosed with (early onset, moderate, advanced) dementia which requires specialized care. You will remain here so these trained care providers can ensure you do not endanger yourself."). I know it sounds very basic and perhaps contrite - but very specific statements have allowed my husband to communicate with his mom to address these types of questions.
So what can you do about engaging and re-directing?
Heres what may help:
Sensory experiences such as music, pictures, smells (aroma) and interactive toys (yes - that's right) have been really good for many patients including my Mom-In-Law. These will often create calmness and security.
Music helps a great deal - especially music from her past
https://www.mindcarestore.com/music-player-p/mc-2115.htm
Pictures from the past (no so much current day) when she was a child or teen. This may allow her to grab a memory and describe it to you. Old high school albums, wedding pictures, past trips. (Not necessary to leave these items behind - just bring them for a visit and promise more on the next visit).
Smells - bring and spray your cologne or her favorite perfume on her pillow as a reminder you are nearby.
Interactive Toys
Currently my MIL has 2 interactive cats, 1 interactive dog and a small interactive bird (for which we can leave messages for her to hear) have been great because you can move your conversation towards care and need of these "friends" and make her feel "responsible" for them.
JOY FOR ALL - Orange Tabby Cat - Interactive Companion Pets - Realistic & Lifelike$99.99Amazon.comFree shipping
Does this always work? No. But it is a start. And it may give her something to feel like she has some control. Her anger is frustration and her frustration is fear.
Don't give up. Be kind to yourself. And let us all continue to hear from you.
Can you bring her some visual reminders of your love and presence which she could see and focus on while your are not there? Cards, framed photos...
write her a poem about how wonderful she is and how much you love her and frame it... I promise she will love it. I have leaned that anger in dementia patients can be an expression of fear of what is happening to them. So she lashes out. It helps me (a LITTLE!) to remind myself that when my Mother lashes out at me. Boy it’s hard, so hard.
Bring her food she likes (for some reason my Mom will remember something she liked that she ate for a day or so when she can’t remember anything else).
COVID has made this 100 times harder on you. Do what tou can, go as often as you can, as frequently, then call everyday.
hang in there, friend