Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?
If he asks what's up, simply say your visiting/ed friends or family from spouses side or tell him youre just trying something different.
You can figure some excuse out.
Just make sure you stick to the plan.
Sure you may need to sacrifice part of your day but not all.
Give him a choice. You come over or dont come over. Up to him.
Good luck and Happy Holidays.
I had to do that with my mom for a few years. She learned, then she was good. Actually delightful. My sibling also reminded her. I think she didnt like being alone. You have to treat them like a kid. Being invited is a privilege not a given. Good luck. No one likes their holiday ruined.
Wish there was a casino. Lol.
You won't have to fib, which could come back and haunt you later, it won't ruin a day for others, and he had the opportunity to celebrate with his family. Wrap up leftovers he could eat on the real holiday - or the gift to him could be a restaurant or cafeteria coupon to use on Christmas day - or a bus ticket to go gamble for the day. Minimal complaining for him/embarrassment to you, no guilt for snubbing him during the holiday, everyone has a better day on Christmas
Christmas miniatures! The new tradition.
Sorry, I could just see this tiny table with a whole miniature dinner. I think that would be fun.
"Ugh. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading the heck out of it. My Goddaughter is probably gonna try to drag me out to someone's house again because she feels guilty and worried that I will be alone. I'd rather spend my day here gambling!"
:-)
Do not invite him. Take him a plate of food.
You've gotten many great answers. But the one that resonates is from "my2cents".
From what you described, he didn't enjoy himself and thus, it seemed, needed to bring others to his level of misery. What a good idea to have a small, "special" meal, and even go so far as to accommodate his actual holiday with a gift certificate. Well, I don't need to recap m2c's answer, as he/she is clearly a diplomatic genius.
I wish you well.
R27
My advice is to confront this man before the holidays arrive. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is either going to be civil and kind, or he is no longer welcome in your home. If he agrees to that, but then reverts to form, tell him you are done and you will no longer have any contact with him. Alternatively, you could cut off all contact with him now, and be perfectly at peace. Do not let anyone abuse you and your family this way! I learned the hard way after our entire family pretended my mom was not a mean drunk. It's not worth it. The worst that could happen is that he gets angry. Bullies use anger to control people. Let him be angry with somebody else.
Since he is mobile and able; make a trip to see him separately (maybe in his place before or after each holiday) as you can afford. Make it a no gifts, no meal visit and make it short. Enjoy some conversation and maybe some cookies and drinks and call it a done deal. If he complains that you don't spend the holidays with him, then explain that you don't have the finances or the time to deal with a bigger get together.
As for telling him WHY you can’t be together at the holiday, of course not! That’s cruel. You absolutely lie. I’m against lying in general, but at that age, he’s not going to grow or change. Send him a dinner, don’t explain yourself beyond “there’s always next year” and make some happy memories.
You are not mean! Your children and girlfriend matter the most to you. They will be grateful to you.
You don’t owe him anything. I’m sorry but he is rude.
I cooked for three days before the holidays. My house was sparkling clean. My family would gobble up my food. When my brother was about to leave he would turn to my husband and thank him for the dinner and not one word to me.
My husband would tell him that I cooked everything and to thank me. It would ‘pain’ him to show any gratitude whatsoever to me. So, it started to ‘pain’ me to cook for ungrateful idiots! My husband and kids were relieved.
My mother lived with us. She thought I was awful. Too bad. Why torture yourself? Holidays were not made to be tortured.
Last I checked Thanksgiving was about giving thanks. Are you thankful for that kind of behavior? Nope! So eliminate it. Last I heard Christmas was about the birth of Jesus. It’s not about being annoyed!
Start a new tradition! Bring him a small dinner the day before, if you like. Doesn’t even have to be homemade. There are plenty of places that you can pick up a ready cooked meal. He will never know the difference!
You'd like my Aunt...
A family member (plus his tribe) kept insisting they would visit her. Expected to stay & be cooked for. She had said no.
So she went on a cruise for Christmas.
My BIL used to get a kick out of my husband’s crazy grandma. She would say the craziest things!
My BIL didn’t live here. He moved to San Francisco for college and stayed there.
When he would visit he would sit next to me and whisper the funniest stuff in my ear. Sure, he didn’t have to put up with her crap year round like the rest of us, but he was pretty funny. He always said, “This is free entertainment. I could use this stuff to do a stand up comedy routine!”
I would tell him to work on his timing and then invite me to the show! Hahaha
We would crack up! Of course, we couldn’t tell my MIL what we were laughing at because she was so embarrassed by her mother’s behavior.
The woman couldn’t get through an evening without discussing her bowel movements. Geeeeez, slowly but surely, everyone would lose their appetite!
My DH's Uncle was also a scream... He would gather all for a speech & toast & then swear until the older aunts & grandmas left the room - he just loved to make a scene! He would swear in front of the kids too - my son had never heard the c-word until he met this *gentleman*. Downed his cancer & pain meds in a saucer of gin chased by a bottle of wine last year. So no swearing like that will be heard now.
I like that suggestion of delivering him a plate the day before - still caring & respectful but a separate visit. Even go out if you want. Then relax & enjoy your family your way.
Each holiday repeat.
I had to separate out my family from DHs family years & years ago. Now attempting to separate my parents/siblings from my DH & children so I can have some time to enjoy my little family while not being on elder/disability care duties the whole time.
Last year after cooking & bringing all the food, wheeling them around, setting them up, filling their plates etc I just sat down & raised the first forkful to my mouth. Fork mid air Sis says "I need to go to the toilet". No-one moved. No other able body even looked up, just kept eating. Resentment is building again thinking of it. Family slave quit right then.
Having my own Christmas this year.
Id hoped it was just me he was dismissive towards, ignored or was rude to, i even wanted to lol the comment about VA police but here we are, no consideration for people who need emergency care or the professionals trying to help the patients, he’s a liability. This is it. He told PCP he was great and back to 40 hr week so she excused his geriatric neurologist appt. I’m hitting her office so hard tomorrow it’s gonna make my own head spin! The show has just begun ladies and gentlemen!
People who are pouty, high maintenance, and ungrateful deserve to be ignored in my opinion. Especially if it's not even due to a medical condition. Stop at Macdonald's, pick him up a big mac and throw it at the door.
Okay, you have me cracking up with the Big Mac remark! Shame on you! Hahaha. Thanks for the giggle 🤣