Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?
You've gotten many great answers. But the one that resonates is from "my2cents".
From what you described, he didn't enjoy himself and thus, it seemed, needed to bring others to his level of misery. What a good idea to have a small, "special" meal, and even go so far as to accommodate his actual holiday with a gift certificate. Well, I don't need to recap m2c's answer, as he/she is clearly a diplomatic genius.
I wish you well.
R27
"Ugh. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading the heck out of it. My Goddaughter is probably gonna try to drag me out to someone's house again because she feels guilty and worried that I will be alone. I'd rather spend my day here gambling!"
:-)
Do not invite him. Take him a plate of food.
You won't have to fib, which could come back and haunt you later, it won't ruin a day for others, and he had the opportunity to celebrate with his family. Wrap up leftovers he could eat on the real holiday - or the gift to him could be a restaurant or cafeteria coupon to use on Christmas day - or a bus ticket to go gamble for the day. Minimal complaining for him/embarrassment to you, no guilt for snubbing him during the holiday, everyone has a better day on Christmas
Christmas miniatures! The new tradition.
Sorry, I could just see this tiny table with a whole miniature dinner. I think that would be fun.
Wish there was a casino. Lol.
I had to do that with my mom for a few years. She learned, then she was good. Actually delightful. My sibling also reminded her. I think she didnt like being alone. You have to treat them like a kid. Being invited is a privilege not a given. Good luck. No one likes their holiday ruined.
If he asks what's up, simply say your visiting/ed friends or family from spouses side or tell him youre just trying something different.
You can figure some excuse out.
Just make sure you stick to the plan.
Sure you may need to sacrifice part of your day but not all.
Give him a choice. You come over or dont come over. Up to him.
Good luck and Happy Holidays.
First being that he will be picked up at...and not to call, you will have your phone off and will not answer.
Second. If at ANY time he is rude or complains you will take him home. At the first rude or mean comment you get your coat, get his and drive him home. You can then return to your gathering. (If you don't want to do that then call a Cab, they can take him)
If he does not agree to any of this then he is not welcome and he can enjoy his holiday at the VA helping to serve Veterans and Active Service men and women that can not get home.
I feel for him, but he should appreciate that someone opens their home to him. Cudos to u for telling him how you felt last year. Stick by ur guns. He has made his bed. He either changes or remains on his own.
One could go out with him alone, the day before for a Turkey lunch or dinner...to Dennys or another coffee shop. Sit far enough away that his spit does not reach your plate, or put up a barrier to protect your plate.
Or, drop off a special lunch before you go where you are going.
If one is having dinner at the home of a food stamps recipient, instead of bringing a completely different meal to her dinner, give her a grocery gift card
in advance so she can prepare. Then ask if she would like you to bring something for dessert, and what would that be?
Don't invite him.
If you want to do something nice, drop off a plate to him that evening.
It was indeed brought to my attention that could be the case as I read the responses... Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them.
Regardless... we’re “not celebrating in town this year” so He has enough time to make arrangements at the casino, he definitely enjoys that place.
Invite him - he will be himself - you know what he's like - what you're in for. It's only a few days.
Or if you think it's too much to put up with - cancel on him. Just sorry, going elsewhere this year.
Either way, you can decide that his behaviour, rude or not is his & has no influence on your day. "Oh him, yes he's like that".
With all the complaints about the guest, don't invite him this year.