Can I pay myself a small salary for handling my Dad's finances?

I hope this will go thru..I forgot my password and think i might have locked myself out before i put the right one in.
I completely cant identify with all of you. Frustration;depression...i've gone thru all of it. I have learned so much. I too can't understand the change in my bros. We have it so i am Mom's legal guardian and they get to watch her money in the bank..lol. That's ok with me, all i wanted was to take care of Mom, and i do it in her home. I do everything but the money. The bank does that. I take her to the BR and do all the stuff, sometimes gross but it needs to be done. I'm surprised how much a person can get used to stuff after a while and it doesn't bother as much anymore.
After a year of taking care of my Mom, the attny who came to evaluate my Mom told me that i don't need to get any more training, i just need to HIRE someone to stay with her once or twice a wk...(in otherwards, the bnk is paying that part), so i can get out and shop and have some personal time. But nxt to giving up my job and taking the early retirement, i don't have much money to save, as i still have my health ins and lic plate and cell phone and vet etc. I'm thankful that i can share with my Mother in her home, and take care of her and be her friend, and i will forever, (until i loose my memory)...have our discussions where she has shared so many of her thoughts and rememberences.

My bros also have not seen our Mom, or even called her since January 1, 2014. No speaking is going on between them and myself. Strange that we all 3 came from the same heart and womb. I can forgive someday, but they are loosing out on their Mom's love, and she also is loosing out not getting any love from them. I bet my Dad will get out the belt again when he greets them at his mansion in the sky.

GrammyM said, "I've heard where nieces, granddaughters are taking care of relatives and getting paid by various programs..." I my niece is at home assisting my mother. What programs are there that can pay her as a caregiver?

What a wonderful Father's Day present, pay yourself for helping your father. Does the term "Honor thy father and mother" have any meaning? I lost my father when I was 11 yrs. and would give anything to have the pleasure of handling his finances.

Why would you want to? Didn't he take care of all your needs when you were growing up?

If your father in law is in a facility, he gets 50.00 of his monthly Medicare check and this is to be used for him not for you. I live in Texas and this is what I have been told, by the facility. They should know, be careful how the money is spent you don't want to have to pay it back . Caregivers don't always get the help they deserve. Good luck

I think that all of the negative slams to Texas Daughter are uncalled for. We are supposed to be a supportive group here. Let's remember to judge not least we be not judged by the same measure. We don't know how much work it might be to handle her father's finances.

I hope my post didn't come out as I was slamming you. I was not all our situations are different and levels of what we can handle is different also. good luck

1) I was not dependent on my parents for a full 18 years. Just because I lived in their home until I was 18, does not mean I was "spoiled." At 18, I went to college...that *I* busted my butt to pay for for 4 years, and at that I, at 28, am still paying off.
2) I also never said my parents were amazing parents. Were they nice? Sometimes. Did I always get what I wanted? Heck no. At 28, will my mom still smack me seven ways to Sunday? Absolutely. Do we get along? HARDLY.Whether they're good parents, or bad parents, non-existent parents, whatever the case may be....regardless, you wouldn't be here to complain without them. When the time comes, and my parents need me to be a constant caregiver, then you're daggum right I'll do it without batting an eye. I'm not spoiled. I have no feeling of entitlement whatsoever. But, I am a firm believer in two things: 1) treat people as you'd want them to treat you, 2) money ruins everything and 3) respect and obey your elders. It didn't require having two "great" parents to learn any of these. If I have to survive off grass, hay, and murky water to ensure my parents get constant care when the time comes, then I'll do it. I'm not vein, nor materialistic. I'm a minimalist, and it's pretty unfair for you to assume that because I think taking care of our elders...particularly family...is a privilege, that I must be some aloof, spoiled child with parents who exhibits greatness, then that's pretty sad on your part. And couldn't be further from the truth.

I think the truth of the matter is that as much as we b*tch and complain, we have chosen our roles as caregiver. There is no law that says we HAVE to take them in, or move in with them. Many children grow up, move away, and never even have any contact with their parents ever again. The truth is, any of us could walk away, if our conscience would allow it. Some agency would see they were admitted to a home where they'd be cared for. It's a cultural thing. Eskimos used to put them on an ice floe and send them off to die. Some cultures would never think of putting an elder "away" just because they are an inconvenience. I think it's important to know your own motives. I have a well ingrained sense of guilt, but I would never have given up my job and ability to care for myself, in order to care for a parent, at the expense of my own stability. We all choose what we think we can do or give. Then we live with the consequences, but should not be judged no matter what our choices may be.

Texas,
this topic always brings out the worst in all of us. The question of can you pay yourself to handle Dad's finances may well be answered in the POA. My mom's explicitly permits the POA to pay themselves at the going rate in our area. Check the POA, and are you sorry you asked this question yet?

So, many think it is wrong, but what would the parent want? Would they want to pay you? The answer may be in the POA. If it is not, I would check with an attorney. There may be other language in there that permits you to negotiate contracts with others for your Dad. You cannot negotiate with yourself, but could with your Dad's elder law attorney, perhaps.

The schism is this thread is that the OP asked if it was ok to be paid to take care of Dad's expenses while he was in a NH.
OTHERS chimed in with stories of all the pain they have taking care of loved one.
TWO different things.
Being paid to manage bills is what this thread started out with.
I too take care of live in dementia mom.
that is NOT what the OP asked about.

I am the OP and surprised to see so many responses. I wrote this five days ago and probably should've written more explanation but this was my first question here. My Father has advanced alzheimer's, has had dementia for 11 years and been in a NH for five. He was able to delay moving to a NH for awhile due to myself and my husband's help and we have done the most of all the siblings. For many years before his dementia my husband and I did home repairs, etc. to help my parents. My Mother also had a dementia disease so for 6 years it was both of them on a daily basis. My Mother told me way back to pay myself a salary as long as they could afford it and I have been doing that (a small amount) for many years and it was never an issue until now. My Dad's money is starting to run out and I anticipate if he lives long enough he will have to go on Medicaid in less than 5 years and I didn't want my salary to be an issue for a penalty since I am the guarantor for the NH bill. As it is he cannot communicate or walk or even transfer -- just sleeps or lays in a chair all day -- but he eats well so who knows? I actually was able to get ahold of a medicaid caseworker who told me that since I signed the checks all I needed to do was write on the memo line for services rendered and it shouldn't be a problem but obviously the larger the amount the more something would be scrutinized. And to those that asked it is more than just paying a few bills, there are some brokerage accounts, retirement benefits, perscriptions, etc. If I didn't do it I would have to pay someone else.

I'm sorry that your father is in a NH, Texas Daughter. I'm not sure to what extent you are involved in his caregiving, other than paying his bills. I'm not quite sure that counts as being a caregiver. Do you bathe him? Do you dress him? Do you plan and prepare his meals? Do you dose his meds? Do you run errands for him? Do you schedule his doctor appointments? Do you clean up his bowel/bladder accidents? How much time would you estimate that you spend handling his finances? Many bills can be paid online or automatically debited from his bank account. When I took over my parents' finances, as well as all of the above, I reduced the amount of time devoted to bill paying to a matter of minutes per week, so that I had more time to care for their basic needs. Maybe it wouldn't be such a burden on you if you had all his bills automatically debited from his account.

When I became the POA for my parents a couple years ago, the elder care attorney who handled their trust and other legal paperwork, told me in the first meeting that if I wanted to be paid for handling everything, I could legally be paid a salary to help me. NOW....I said NO...why would I want to do that as the only daughter. It would be like I was just grabbing any inheritance early or something. WELL....after I got in the middle of this mess, I sometimes have a different perspective on it. We live on SS and we live 5 hrs away from my parents. We have no large amounts of excess cash or investments ourselves....and my home business that was going great guns and giving a small amount of net income at the end of the year, has gone 'down the tubes' because I cannot give it the time and attention required, since my parents come first. My husband suffers because he now comes third....except now he's been diagnosed with Parkinson's while my two parents are still alive....so now I'll soon have 3 to be responsible for at the age of 70 myself! So it's come to the point where I have to travel to see them at least a couple times a month now...occasionally 3 times. Cannot afford the gasoline and car maintenance to do this. Law office says it's perfectly fine for me to use their POA debit card to pay car expenses because I am making trips to care for them. And it's OK to have their money pay for internet hook up in their home, so that I can run my business while I have to be down there with my Mom...any expenses that I would not normally incur if I didn't have to be with them, coordinate their care etc.....can be paid for from their own money. That's fine. It makes sense. I wouldn't 'cheat' them. But, now that we've spent all my Dad's share of their money and he's on Medicaid to cover his memory care unit rent, I understand that Medicaid will get the house, or whatever has been paid out by Medicaid has to be paid for from the proceeds of the house in the end. Mom is still at home, and now living on her half of the income in their trust...but she also has dementia at 88 yr, and there's a strong likelihood she will also end up being placed somewhere and running out of money if she lives long enough....SO...in the end, there will be NO inheritance for me or their grandkids. Nothing is turning out THEY planned it would when they worked hard and saved all their lives, and didn't go on big expensive vacations etc, because they wanted to leave something for their kids. My brother died at 37...so he's not here anymore, but he does have a son, like I have daughters. It's not that I was counting on an inheritance....nor do I NEED it....but I am just saying, that this is a LOT of work, and I am not even a direct caregiver yet. What about the younger caregivers who are backed into a corner, to where they must give up their jobs, and thus their ability to plan their own retirements or have any semblance of a personal life? I've read horror stories on here, of people literally having NOTHING...no car, no clothes, no health care...nothing, because they've given it all up to care for a parent or other family member. THAT doesn't seem quite fair. I can see if people have the means to cover all expenses and give up a job, and don't want to accept payment for caring for a parent, but goodness sakes......some people are literally having the rest of their own lives ruined, where as, if they could get a salary to replace some of what they've given up to help their parents.....that might not be the case. SO....I just think we shouldn't be judging one way or the other specifically, but should be supporting the trials we are all dealing with in whatever way we ARE dealing with being a caregiver.

Amen Texasdaughter and Joannes. When our parents have a lot, there is of course, a lot to take care of. I have a cousin who's parents were both on Medicaid. She is full of advice, that has nothing to do with my Mother or my MIL's situation. My MIL has taxes in 2 states and and 2 large working farms. (I wish our Mothers had simplified things, but they are 91 and 95 and didn't.)

Texas - Your father wanted you to be paid to handle his finances. You are supplying a service for him. If you want to be paid then keep track of the time you spend handling his finances and pay yourself.
Just a reminder you will need to claim the money as income (if you make enough to file a tax return).

GardenArtist I respect and honor my Mother. I certainly see my life as a gift..As I see my own children's life as a gift..

Do you have children? Are you teaching them to be a caregiver to you when they grow up? Reminding them that you gave them life which intern they must respect, honor and care for you?

Let's cut to the chase! "My perspective makes sense if I see care giving as unwelcome"!! HA

I can guarantee that NOT one person on AC loves ALL the daily tasks involved in caring for their loved one!

I can hear everyone on here now, " Oh I welcome the opportunity to care for my aging parent, I hope I get to shower them, drive them around, make all their favorite meals, wipe their butt etc...and I hope none of my siblings try to help because I want to do it all by myself because Mom GAVE ME LIFE"!!!!



My Mother is not "unwelcomed" because I care for her. She is a grown women who with her pride and dignity will support herself..She does not want me paying her way..

Why???

you were given the correct information. Texas-GOOD LUCK....

TexasDaughter
If it's legal, take the guilt out of the equation. Kids growing up is a positive experience with the high possibility of a good outcome. Elder care is EOL care. A negative experience

When I went to lawyer to make sure my moms will was in order when my dad passed. I have be takeing care of her and my dad for over 7 years now. The lawyer told me to go to a CPA which I havent yet, but that If I pay myself even $4000 a month, and pay SS etc. out of it. It is a fair wage for 24/7 care, even if one of my brothers contested it when she passed. A Judge would ask for reciepts for what was spent, proof of pay, and at most a comparison sheet as to the price to admit mother into old folks home which in Seattle can be $4500 to $10,000 a month. He would see it as a fair wage and there would be not contesting it or having to pay it back. Every State is diffrent, it cost me $450 to get that advice.

Keeping records of what you do and what it costs is a very good idea. It can be in a simple spiral notebook or an elaborate spreadsheet. You can keep it on the computer, but back it up so WHEN it crashes you still have it.

Ferris1 I just recently cam home from a 3 hour meeting with my lawyer about my parents trust. Even she has no desire to be her parents trustee due to the tremendous amount of work they can be and the family issues it can cause. My father passed in 08 and my mother had a stroke with left her physically fine and mentally unable to care for herself. It didn't however make her any nicer - which has been the most unpleasant experience I have ever had. I have my own 4 grown children and my husband just retired. I can't travel due to either her almost getting kicked out of where she is, her medical appts that she really doesn't need to go to, the two rental properties that need to be cared for plus her home. Yes, I pay myself as I have lost income from my job. If I had a wonderful, sweet mother who cared for me, or a brother that helped me - sure - it would be a different story. We all have different stories and experiences, and one should not judge unless they have walked in someone's else's shoes.

I feel like GrammyM and I are living the same life. Call me small, petty, jealous, resentful, but I can't see getting paid if you are only handling finances. I know we are supposed to support each other here, but it seems like something that could be done in your spare time. Many of us have given up our entire lives, and we don't get paid.

Ninamplatter58 Some elderly don't even get $4,000.00 a month. I am just amazed ar family wating to be paid for taking care of a parent, but that it is just me. They took care of me for 18 years and now it's my turn to take vare of them.

I don't live w/my mother (thank God) and as POA, I take care of her finances and oversee her care. It's a lot, and I don't get paid. She lives alone, thinks she lives independently. But that's not true. Tomorrow, I'm taking a "vacation" day (I never use them for actual vacations, just for dealing w/my mother's stuff, and driving 3 hours to meet w/a home care agency in her area. Why? Her driver's license was revoked, which is is a good thing. Then I have the job of telling her, hoping she understands, dealing with the fallout, and then driving back home. Then next week, another "vacation" day to drive down AGAIN for the agency's assessment. At some point this summer, yet another trip for her birthday, and to handle the issue of her car.
I reimburse myself for expenses, but I don't get reimbursed for my salary at work. I don't get my vacation days back.
And this is for someone who was not a very nice person, who makes it clear every time she sees me that I'm a disappointment to her. It's an obligation, that's all.

I agree with those who say it's perfectly fine and should be expected that you pay yourself a salary. Otherwise, the money will still run out with assisted living/nursing home care and then when medicaid is needed, you will be broke if you don't take the money for the work you are doing.

It all depends on the situation of your parent. My mother has plenty of money for her care and I am not only paying her bills - which in itself would not be much - but she has two commercial rental properties plus her home and I am dealing with something almost daily with her. I have a brother that has done nothing and I have spent the last two years going back and forth every three weeks to deal with something with her or her home. It has taken away from my income. None of the properties are near me - at least 3 hours away. I have meetings, phone calls, emails, doctor visits, and fires to put out as my mother's behavior at the facility is horrendous. I also do the bills for the properties, taxes for her and the trust, maintain her home and yard - my list goes on...yes - I take a very small salary - and I don't feel bad about it - and I will not be judged for it. If you are doing more than paying for a few bills each month - and it takes away from your family and job - you have every right to pay yourself a small, reasonable salary. Now - if your parents finances are not going to last - it needs to be within reason - or not at all - as in the long run - you will be paying for their care.

Charles & Vivian - if your parent was anything like my mother - then I think you may rethink your statements and not judge. No one has walked a mile in my shoes.

Hey, charles1921, you feel it is your duty to take care of your parent(s) because they took care of you as a child to age 18+. They raised a fine person in you. Are you taking care of an elderly parent? If so, is there money enough to pay yourself for caregiving? NH's get paid, and if you do it, do you feel you should do it for free? Those who care for an elderly parent--in the home--give up almost everything, especially if there is dementia and/or physical disabilities. They should be paid so they don't go broke trying. If an adult child doesn't do the caregiving, then a NH does and even more money goes out--unless it is on the taxpayer's dime.
Oh, there is another real problem. If no one is watching out for the elderly the con-men come out of the woodwork to offer services that sound good, but are actually just nothing. In the case of the Woodwards in CA the cons charged a lot of money for little or no service and finally got caught and were sentenced to 11 years in prison.All their assets were sold to partially repay the victims. Wouldn't it be better to pay an adult child for care giving than to let it go to crooks?

Sometimes as Caregivers we are so spent that our nerves and emotions are pretty insenced. If our efforts are challenged we can over respond to anyones comments. I found that sometimes I can really come across harshly and even in my comments can come accross disrespectful. So hang in there everyone on this web site we are on each others side and we come here for support and with questions. So if someone comes across unfriendly or too matter of fact for you, just shake it off and remember we are all in the same boat here. xo