Certainly happened to me - because I neglected my own medical check-ups - my neurofibromatosis tumours in my spine have become inoperable and I am permanently on a walking frame - and I am only fifty.
The saddest story I have heard was on talkback radio one night a few years ago - a 77 year old daughter was FORCED to be sole carer to her 97 year old mother with severe dementia. Because the selfish mother wanted help from no one but the daughter, the daughter was legally compelled to care for her mother - in spite of the fact she was disabled - and elderly - herself. The time came when the 77 year old daughter needed life-saving surgery - but she was not allowed to have the surgery as it would have meant her mother would have died because of being unable to look after herself - and unwilling to accept outside help.
I personally know a lady somewhere between 60 and 70 about ten or so years ago who was forced to be sole carer to a very elderly mother who very selfishly refused outside help - so this poor daughter was forced, for ten years, to be sole carer to her severely demented mother who was also extremely violent. Finally, the mother died and the daughter finally had her freedom to have her own life and start seeking employment. She got voluntary work. But alas, she got breast cancer and died. The breast cancer was caused by all those ten years of stress.
BTW, I suffered intense stress and abuse from 2002 to late 2014 --- first abuse from my late father who got severe dementia --- and then my mother who got severe dementia after dad died --- my doctors blame that for my now severe neurofibromatosis and eczema.
I read from your profile that you're in your 40ties and your mother has general age related issues, plus you have your own business. If you were born when she was in her 20ties, then she's not all that old.
Save yourself from someone who will never change into the loving parent that they never were, plus thinking that you will be the exception to this by sacrificing enough.
Either leave with what you have of your life, get her out of your house so that you can leave or if you are too emotionally enslaved by her blackmail then stay, but whichever, it's your choice. I'm an only child and I understand that dynamic makes it worse and being a God fearing person can easily be manipulated by a narcissistic parent into making us feel we are not honoring our parent by moving on with our own life in response to their emotional abuse.
Doing so is not dishonoring a parent, It is honoring yourself as a separate human being who is just as valuable in the eyes of God as she is and does not find her abusive behavior of you pleasing at all.
Get yourself a therapist, dam the torpedoes of fear, obligation and guilt which are the tools of emotional blackmail which some like to call F.O.G. and take no prisoners while you escape from hell. Make it so. Or the emotional womb that you are in will become your tomb!
I don't think we caregivers intend to put our needs last - it just happens. Things come up unexpectedly that require immediate attention (eg.: uncontrolled nosebleed with trip to ER) that disrupt your plans. And when you have your own health issues, getting normal chores done take longer and more energy, so time gets eaten, you rest when you can, and before you know it you're way past your own health check-ups. Whats' one more year? Ugh!
And not everyone has the resources for outside care, or are in a position to place their loved one in a NH. Situations vary greatly, so a little compassion for those in tough places. Hugs to all you caregivers out there!
Had another friend who put up with her AWFUL MIL in her basement, dementia, incontinent, combative, while she worked full time. After she was moved to care facility, here came her husband's adult daughter moving in, after a divorce. "Depressed", messing the place, needing money, wouldn't work, constant drama, etc. I say, "had" another friend because she got cancer and is now gone.
Third friend ended up with wrecked adrenal glands, immune system disease, bad neck and back from getting stuck with an impulsive hyperactive husband. Boinging off the walls, wanting to buy stuff all day and night long, messing house, secretly charging nonsense purchases on home equity line of credit on the house she was trying to get paid off. Between dealing with that, full time job, having to do his chores too, (lawn etc), fix what he'd broken damaged around the house, clean up his messes, pour over and try and fix the finances, I never saw her sit down from 5:30 am to midnight on any given day. No wonder she is sick, I'm surprised it isn't worse.
I don't know how or why people end up in that boat, or what the answer is. I think a lot of people in the age range I am talking about were brought up that you stick with your family through whatever they need no matter what. Especially a spouse. But then have to question how moral the ones that would put them in that position are, ...if morality causes the "debt", why does it not work both ways?
I like what Freqflyer said about what if something happens to you? I asked my now deceased friend that question, and told her that if they killed her, they'd move on to someone else, (and they did). Maybe in some instances we have to say I can't, and, I WON'T, and stick to it. (?)
They are not legally forced. They are emotionally groomed by the parent for this and sometimes even use one the ten commandments God's law, to enforce their FOGy hold on an adult child via Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
You have to understand this was several years ago and the information shared now about care giving is so much better. I had no clue what I was doing and received very little help or support from his doctors and the two therapists he had. Most of the information I ended up with I found online (including using this site).
It has been three years since my Dad passed but I have felt the effects. My blood pressure is very high and am now taking medication. After my Dad passed our family was in turmoil and I found out that my brothers and sisters were angry with me for making decisions (when I asked I received very few responses). All of my decisions were based on my Dad's requests but according to them "he was out of his mind." No, he wasn't out of mind, he had the effects of a stroke!
I'm still trying to get my life together and the effects of caring for him include losing my self confidence and having an incredibly hard time trying to concentrate and sit still - unless it is a complete stop! But, having said all that I see personal improvements and there is hope.
I echo all comments about getting out and keeping your own life somewhere in the process. I ran into the problem where I didn't want to go out because I dreaded coming home so bad. I loved my Dad deeply but I just didn't like the situation.
I could go on but those of you who are the "only" people that can care for someone I would explain that you need a day off and then make those changes slowly. I know we all want our parents to age in place but sometimes we need to rethink our strategy. If I had things to do all over there are many things I would do differently (wouldn't we all!). I look back and realize that if I had taken better care of me I could have taken better care of my Dad.
I actually don't know where to draw the line in help because my Mother has always been dependent on someone. She is barely able to survive on her own. She wasn't able to survive before when I was a teen and my parents divorced.
That's why I say I don't know where to draw the line in care giving. I have backed off some and feel guilty but I know I have to do this because of my declining health. As some of you, my Mother doesn't want outside help. She refuses to go anywhere to do anything. I am to be her constant entertainer. I don't do this anymore, if it cruel? I don't know and I certainly hope it isn't but I need to save myself at this point. I don't have anyone to see about me when I'm older.
If it sounds like a me, me, me post, I apologize it's not meant that way. I have given all I can give and still do what I can. I stopped living with my Mother when I was 16 and she wasn't around much until I was in my thirty's. I don't think this is my responsibility but my guilt for her being alone keeps me in place. My Mom suffers from many health issues with her biggest ones being Parkinson's and Emphysema. I found her in the floor just last week and could not lift her out of the floor thus had to call the ambulance.
This is how much my health has gone down. It wasn't long ago I was working at a job, working in the yard, putting up privacy fencing, cutting down trees. You name it, I'd give it a try. Now, I do good to get one light thing done a day. I stay exhausted. I miss my own care...showers are rare these days. I mostly take a sink bath because well there's just no time or I'm too tired. I am 51 and my Mom is 67. I don't know how long this is going to last. They tell me she's in stage 4 or last stage of Emphysema...well she seems to be doing better than me in the health department. However, she is stress free and has no responsibilities other than fixing her food (microwave), washing, and basically doing her hobbies. I don't have time to have a hobby.
So if this relates to anyone or seems to be taking this road, I can only say you need to reassess the situation. Don't feel guilty. Get some outside help if possible. By all means say NO and take care of your own health. I thought this was a temporary situation. I moved my Mom next door to see about her. It has now been almost 5 years and there seems to be no end. I love my Mother dearly and wish no one had to leave us, but there are times I do wish it were over. I hope this doesn't come off wrong, but please all the care takers out there...make yourself #1.
I totally believe that care taking does effect your health!
Am sole caregiver to 77 yr old mother. I'm only 57 but I've been at this now for 10 years. Saw Dad through his Alzheimer's clear to the end, tore a shoulder joint in the process from lifting him into bed every night - it's never healed properly. He passed 5 years ago, so now it's just Mom. Good ol' Mom, an abusive hateful frightening monster. Mom's a double amputee in a wheelchair and has OCPD to the max, is a narcissistic control freak, has rheumatoid arthritis, is diabetic... you name it.
I gave up everything - kids (they were almost out of high school at the time and didn't want to uproot their lives - can't say I blame them - and opted to stay with their dad), house, career, dog, everyone I knew... to move here to take care of them. I have nothing left, am financially ruined and totally stuck here. I've often thought of suicide to get out of this never-ending mess, but the thought of that wretch of a human being outliving me keeps me going. Bitter? You bet.
Had one discussion about me coming over to help inside the house. Question if *I* fall, who is going to pick *ME* up??? Neither Mom or Dad could. Now sure I really got through to them that day.
As for doctor appointments, I think most of us don't go for ourselves because "If I see one more waiting room, I am going to scream!!!"
Yes, I had breast cancer caused but he stress early on. I went through chemo, radiation, and a year of Herceptin. For those of you who do not know, Herceptin is an additional infusion once every three weeks for a year after chemo and radiation. That said, I changed, we changed. We accepted our life and it is and learned to "be" in the present moment. We learned how to let go of the issues that were causing us stress.
We are managing our situation; it is not managing us. We have my mom living in our home and would never have it any other way. She is not a burden to us. She IS a blessing.
Yes, she changed the course of our lives, but we are happy. She is happy. Family takes care of family and not only when it is convenient.
By the way, we have also been through her two broken hips (nine months apart), shoulder fracture, knee replacement, colon cancer stage 3B including a year of chemo, and a seizure. We did not let all that ruin us.
Today we have senior citizens caregiving their much older senior citizens.
What I see happening we will be seeing all the grandchildren being caregivers to their parents and two sets of grandparents plus two sets of great-grandparents.
Furthermore, you're correct that "Family takes care of family and not only when it is convenient." This doesn't apply to all. Some never had that "family". I am happy that you are and have been blessed with this situation and I hope all the best for your family. I think we all tend to gripe/vent some in these situations even if it comes off as negative I don't believe it is necessary so.
After all, we are but human and while we may have gotten a bit off topic, this is support for many of us, and I think that it is good to vent about these issues. There are great mentors here with a ton of helpful information. According to this thread, we can see that care taking can/does cause health problems in most. Blessing to all.