Certainly happened to me - because I neglected my own medical check-ups - my neurofibromatosis tumours in my spine have become inoperable and I am permanently on a walking frame - and I am only fifty.
The saddest story I have heard was on talkback radio one night a few years ago - a 77 year old daughter was FORCED to be sole carer to her 97 year old mother with severe dementia. Because the selfish mother wanted help from no one but the daughter, the daughter was legally compelled to care for her mother - in spite of the fact she was disabled - and elderly - herself. The time came when the 77 year old daughter needed life-saving surgery - but she was not allowed to have the surgery as it would have meant her mother would have died because of being unable to look after herself - and unwilling to accept outside help.
I personally know a lady somewhere between 60 and 70 about ten or so years ago who was forced to be sole carer to a very elderly mother who very selfishly refused outside help - so this poor daughter was forced, for ten years, to be sole carer to her severely demented mother who was also extremely violent. Finally, the mother died and the daughter finally had her freedom to have her own life and start seeking employment. She got voluntary work. But alas, she got breast cancer and died. The breast cancer was caused by all those ten years of stress.
BTW, I suffered intense stress and abuse from 2002 to late 2014 --- first abuse from my late father who got severe dementia --- and then my mother who got severe dementia after dad died --- my doctors blame that for my now severe neurofibromatosis and eczema.
I read from your profile that you're in your 40ties and your mother has general age related issues, plus you have your own business. If you were born when she was in her 20ties, then she's not all that old.
Save yourself from someone who will never change into the loving parent that they never were, plus thinking that you will be the exception to this by sacrificing enough.
Either leave with what you have of your life, get her out of your house so that you can leave or if you are too emotionally enslaved by her blackmail then stay, but whichever, it's your choice. I'm an only child and I understand that dynamic makes it worse and being a God fearing person can easily be manipulated by a narcissistic parent into making us feel we are not honoring our parent by moving on with our own life in response to their emotional abuse.
Doing so is not dishonoring a parent, It is honoring yourself as a separate human being who is just as valuable in the eyes of God as she is and does not find her abusive behavior of you pleasing at all.
Get yourself a therapist, dam the torpedoes of fear, obligation and guilt which are the tools of emotional blackmail which some like to call F.O.G. and take no prisoners while you escape from hell. Make it so. Or the emotional womb that you are in will become your tomb!
Slavery is alive and well in the US despite the civil war! It's just emotoinal/psychological.
Its covertness for women seems to even have cultural and social support which makes it even more hidden. But it is symptomatic of emotional incest which grooms the child for future enslavement. This takes place in the lives of some women and some men. It even takes place in Christian homes.
It's chains are invisible and yet very real as well as very difficult to break. There are three major books about this emotional slavery.
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life.
Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners
When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment,
There needs to be a book specifically written for husbands whose wives are enslaved to their mom's due to this covert emotional incest. It does happen. It happened to my wife whose worked extremely hard in therapy to get her freedom. It's nice not feeling married to more than one person. Sad to say, her twin sister continues to live in such slavery to a narcissistic mom who treated her husband like a slave and is a preacher's daughter, although a very uneducated, fundamentalist one.
I don't know how this ended up at the bottom of my post... just not my day..lol
Before we started we were quite fit for our age, normal weight, and except for a few health problems we were very healthy.
My husband had Thyroid disease, but it was managed with meds and he was in great physical shape and had no other health issues. Today he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetes, skin issues (big red blotches on his face and back) and has gained 30# at least. He gets shoulder and back spasms and pinch nerves without doing anything physical, and has little to no energy.
I had chronic pain, migranes, and back problems along with fibromyalgia before we started. I have lived with this for yrs and I know my limits for lifting and will not do things that can put myself at risk of further injury. My pain was contolled and managed, exercise, rest, and with meds with help from my specialist. I was at a healthy weight and made sure I kept up with my exercises and stretching and meditation. In the past 7 yrs I have gained close to 50 lbs and no matter what I do dieting and exercise it still keeps climbing. I now have severe psoriasis mainly on my scalp, face and chest which is painful, itchy and embarrassing and to this date I haven't found any treatment to help. I get bouts of insomnia now that with a normal life would make it unbearable to function, but mine usually come the night before appts for my mil.
STRESS, STRESS, stress is something you cannot control at times! It will make you one miserable individual if you don't get yourself out of the situation and it definitely can give you many illnesses you didn't have before the stress started.
We are trying to lessen the stress in our lives right now by taking ourselves out of the caregivers role for my mil. We are getting other services take over the duties we had in the past. With change comes stress of course, but we are hopeful in time it will help to some degree with our health.
Good luck and hugs to all. ♡
You say I will not do things to cause yourself more pain, but you just can't help it when your loved one is falling to just lunge to save them or when you assist them in and out of cars. You
I had to stop being my parent's chauffeur, it will be two months now with probably several more month as I work through rehab.... what happened was I fell and broke my right shoulder, thus cannot reach down to shift the gears, and anything heavier than a box of tissues is painful to lift. Couldn't write. Had to learn how to eat using left hand, what a mess that was. Brushing teeth was a challenge. Don't get me started on taking on and off clothes, never felt such pain. Whew, glad I wasn't hands-on with my parents.
I know that sounds minor compare to those who are really hands-on 24/7, but what if you were unable to transfer your parent from bed to bathroom? Or feed them? Or dress them? Or pick them up if they fall? My fall came out of the blue, I was walking from my car to my office like I've been doing for years... took me totally by surprised.
What is your back-up plan?
Sally, my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother through cancer. The difference between the two types of illnesses and the effects on you in your caregiving role are very interesting. Same length of time, your mother through cancer and your mother in law with, I am assuming, dementia. Am I right in surmising that with the cancer, there was an estimate or guestimate in terms of the length of time your mother had left to live? She is/was your blood relative. How was her mindset and ability to cope, and how did this influence the relationship with her? As hard as the grieving process, there was a finite amount of time before it would be over and your mother, God rest her soul, would be at peace.
It's interesting the number of caregivers who are taking care of their mother in laws. Is it usually the husband's mother, and they have no other siblings (or available but unwilling siblings) to look after her? That, no doubt, has an influence on family dynamics and creates its own stresses on the nuclear family, especially if there are children (young or grown) who live with the parents.
Combine that with the fact that a person can live a long time with dementia; it is a very slow degenerative process that eventually leads to death. The grieving and dying process in a very long one, and the future is uncertain. We know the general stages of dementia but we don't really know what we will be dealing with from one week or month or year to the next. This ungoing state of disequilibrium puts undue stress (which is actually distress, because a certain amount of stress is necessary and healthy for the body) on the adrenal glands so that they wear out. That's why anxiety is a common symptom in caregivers of people with dementia. There are two systems involved - the sympathetic nervous system, which is aroused in response to a perceived threat designed to be short lived and sending more blood flow and sugar to the organs and tissues of the body - and the parasympathetic system, which restores balance and equilibrium to the body once it has dealt with the threat, either through fight or flight. With dementia, there is no tangible, physical threat (except when they act out or are in physical danger to themselves or others), so all that adrenalin has nowhere to go and we begin living in a prolonged state of arousal. That's why we experience so many physical and emotional symptoms of distress.
Adrenal rehabilitation is as important as that for all the other systems affected by the stress. It's high time you went away for a while (mentally or physically) and rest. God bless you.
My tennitis (especially pulsile tennitis), dizziness, balance and motor coordination problems are acting up. My fatigue level makes me more prone to accidents and falls (especially in the winter), and I when I do yoga I am chronically stiff, I can't develop the flexibility any more. I, too, have noticed more hair coming out when I shampoo, although not to the point where my hair looks thinner yet. I become short of breath and tired out easily when I do physical exertion, although I walk 20 minutes 6 times a day and stand for three hours a day as a crossing guard during the school year, which presents its own set of health problems from air and noise pollution.
I find my skin is a tell tale sign of the stress, not in the form of eczema but cherry what-ever-you-call-its springing up, some very large, all over my body. I started to get them when I was in my twenties, so I get annoyed when doctors say it's age related, as well as pigmentation growths.
Sometimes odd things will pop up and go away, such as when I sprained my back reaching down to turn off the power bar of my computer. Although it was only muscle sprain that took a few weeks to heal, there was traces of blood in the urine; however, when I followed up a month or so later, that symptom had cleared.
I've been blessed with an overall healthy constitution, but if that's the case, I should feel a lot healthier than I do. Of course, there are the emotional illnesses that commonly come with caregiving, like depression and anxiety and trouble with anger and emotional self regulation. I get very irritable quickly now; I used to have a patient, pleasant disposition. I feel that I've lost my empathy - I guess that's burnout, because mom is not open to day programs, respite relief, going out for walks or doing anything to make herself feel better. The repetition of stories from her past and how badly her life has turned out, obsessive compulsive behaviours and constant repetitive questioning are really stressing me out now. Her short term memory is shot, and she is combining several past events into one now. Her g.p. says she could go on this way for seven years, but I highly doubt it; then, again, she's so stubborn she probably will. But she just seems too weak and giving up the will to live.
Sorry for rambling, but short answer, yes, I notice physical and psychological ill effects from long term caregiving, even in just a supervisory role without nursing duties attached.
A distorted sense of responsibility and other factors too numerous to name cause some people to destroy their own lives in their service to others. Heck, I've even read on this site of people taking their CHILDREN along on their journey to helplessness as they give up their entire lives to care for someone else.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I neglected my own health caring for my husband for 14 months until he passed. It is sooo easy to get caught in that trap. And A TRAP is exactly what it is.
Twice now in the past year I have had episodes of my hair starting to fall out. It got better after she went into a hospital for 6 weeks of IV treatment for an infection, but she is now home after another hospitalization and rehab in a better nursing home but she is now on hospice....and my hair has started falling out again. I know that is no big deal compared to other people's problems, but could be an indicator of my health in general and worse things to come. I keep telling myself that this will one day end and my poor Mom will find peace and be safe from this World's problems in Heaven. I don't want to lose my Mom and wish she could be the way she was before all this happened, but that is not possible. I try to get through it by taking it one day at a time and fending off each day's problems as best as possible. I keep her clean and comfortable and that is all I can do. The hair loss is definitely from worry and maybe my diet needs to be better.