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My husband has alzheimers (mid stage). I have Multiple Sclerosis (currently in remission), Chronic Kidney disease (3B, stable). We own our home outright and have saved and planned for our retirement. SIL lives about 5 hours away from us in an area with very high cost of living. She is divorced, no children, rents a house for last 10 years. Two years ago her landlord gave her notice he was selling all of his rentals. She approached me asking for help with a down payment to buy the house. I agreed to do that. Very quickly it became a crisis and she asked us to buy the house at a lower than market price and rent to her. Landlord agreed and I persuaded husband we could afford to help. Next thing, SIL says landlord is afraid we will sell house to take a profit and abandon her. SIL claims landlord wants house to go in irrevocable trust with her as beneficiary...We walked away at that point. Drama ensued, she accused me of abandoning her, leaving her suicidal and on verge of homelessness. I stopped communicating mostly for last year and half. When our first grandchild was born in October, I sent photos and info about her new nephew. I actually had hopes the tides had turned. She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. She had part time job as home companion. Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!
My delimma: I am willing to help her but not buy that house for her. I would never hand over any large cash payment directly to her. Living with us is out of question. She is very alone in the world and I'm concerned she could be experiencing early dementia, hence her poor judgment. My Husband has one of the APOE4 genes. I have read so many stories here of family members with narcissistic traits trying to exploit families living with dementia. I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. BTW, I've blocked her from my text and phone. I gave her one warning that if personal attack continued, I would block her. She immediately tested my resolve, so I blocked her.

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Sometimes it's not a good idea to help someone in need, as much as we'd like to do it.

The thing concerning me is her dementia. And if it isn't dementia, what is it? She must have some mental illness going on.

Another thing is her personal attacks on you. Anyone trying to get help from someone would have more sense than to personally attack the person they're asking. It's like she's lost her filters that should be telling her that attacking you is counterproductive and won't produce the result she says she wants - your help with the house.

I don't see an upside for you anywhere in this bundle of woes. Since you and husband have enough going on to take care of yourselves, my advice is to back off and not provide any help at all. She's shot herself in the foot, so to speak. You have no obligation to her.

Sad, but protect yourself from those who would do you harm. She's one of them.
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Sure you can help her.
One of the best ways to help someone is to provide them with resources so they can help themselves.
Do a quick search for organizations in her area that might help.
The local Senior Service Center
The local Area Agency on Aging.
Both of these may have programs that can help with housing, utilities.
She can discuss with the landlord the option of a "rent to buy" in this way a % or her rent will go to the purchase of the house. Seems to be a Win-Win for both her and landlord. the landlord can determine how much of her rent goes to the purchase price. (I am sure that if she has been renting and paying on time for 10 years the house has been paid for so what the landlord gets is gravy at this point other than his expenses)

You and your husband have enough on your plates both singly and as a couple.
Stand your ground.
Boundaries!

By the way she can collect on her Social Security if it is more than what she would get.
If he ex is a Veteran she MAY qualify for benefits through the VA as well (may be means based but worth looking into)
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You need to save your money for your care. You may both end up in an AL. This whole house thing with the landlord wanting an irrevocable trust sounds odd. Like these two have something going on between them to work around something. And her getting mad is a sign she maybe in cahoots with the landlord.

You owe your SIL nothing. She has no idea how much money you have or don't have, so tell her "sorry we just really don't have the money." I know MS meds are expensive, a friend of my DDs is in debt because of the shot. You need to hold on to what you have. There is help out there for her, she just needs to go to Social Services and Office of Aging. I am sure there are food closets. Help with utilities, but she has to find them.
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AlvaDeer Jan 3, 2024
I second JoAnn's advice.
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Your sister in law tried to scam you when you offered help. Back away from that as fast as possible. No more help. If you bought her a house it would not be big enough or it would need to be furnished and she needs a car....you see where this is going.
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She did not plan for her future, lived beyond her means and is trying to bully you into picking up the tab, as if it’s a moral issue. Which it is not.

When my husband died, his sister attacked me for refusing to allow her and her sons (under 5) move into our house or give our house to her.

The sense of entitlement in these bullies astounds me!
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Keep her blocked.

You have enough on your plate, dear lady.

She sounds like quite the grifter to me.
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It’s nice that you want to help but my sense is this will be a bottomless pit of neediness. Be very careful what you are getting sucked into.
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Thank you for your thoughts about the best action to take regarding my SIL. It helps bolster my resolve. She has a sad mess of a life, but I can't fix it. She is a bottomless pit of neediness. I won't kick her to the curb but any help we provide will be of my choosing! I didn't editorialize in my original post as I didn't want to bias you. Now I feel free to say here, when I hear from her I feel like she thinks our assets are a menu for her to order from without payment!
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If you want, the way you "help" her is to point her to resources, like Section 8 housing or social services or her local area's Agency on Aging. She is toxic and manipulative. Keeping her blocked is just fine. She's getting the retirement she planned for.
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Some people feel entitled to ask for, and receive, the money WE have worked hard for our whole lives because they view us as Rich and themselves as Poor. So why shouldn't we share the imagined wealth with them by buying them a home? Except life doesn't work that way and we're never as "rich" as these people perceive us to be! To buy your SIL a home of her own is absurd, really, and she's delusional. She will never see it that way, of course, with you being a Have and her being a Have Not. Which is too bad. Point her toward the resources, as Geaton suggested, and wish her the best of luck.
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Hothouseflower Jan 4, 2024
My BIL takes care of his and my DH’s DD sister. My in laws prioritized BIL’s and his family’s needs over their DD daughter’s. They failed to plan financially for daughter's future but made sure BIL lived in the home and raised his family at a fairly low cost. His wife never needed to work.

I guess My in laws had expectations that BIL would be stepping up to plate to take care of sister when they died.

BIL sold the family home last year to which my husband lost any inheritance to (a separate sorry story). He had to take sister because he sold where she lived, He bought a home in another state that did not have a separate space for sister. BIL had the audacity to demand we pay 50K to put an extension on the home they just bought so she would not be under foot,

We actually consulted with an attorney in the state where they moved to check if we had obligations. We did not so we told BIL to deal with it. Not our problem if you bought a house that does not fit your life style.

BIL is a spoiled entitled individual who actually thinks his brother needs to subsidize his lifestyle.
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"She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. " This is where is sounds fishy.

I had to laugh at what Ana said. Where does a sister think she trumps a wife? And where do u think that ur brothers widow owes u anything? I remember when I first joined this forum a woman was all upset because SS stopped her brothers check after his death. She had bills to pay! Not sure if the bills were hers, his or they shared a place. Sure she was told if his, just inform his debtors he is gone. If bills they shared, oh well. Her response, thats not right. Lady thats how it works. If he had a job and died, the job would not continue to pay her. Then there was a woman who thought her adult children should get her deceased brothers SS.

When my Dad died my SIL said we 3 kids should send Mom so much a month. I said good idea but lets wait to see how she handles the money she gets. Mom handled the family finances. She did great. Never seemed to have any problems. Me, her birthday and MDay were the same time of the year so I took her clothes shopping as her gifts. What did my SIL do. She would send Mom tops she would have never bought or wore. Yep, still in a bottom drawer when I cleaned out never worn. I suggested money for birthday, MDay and Christmas then she could buy what she needed with them. Nope, had to send a gift that never came on time or at all. And I hate it when people assume we have money. I have never given that impression.

I do not help those who do not help themselves. I have never loaned what I could not afford to loose. I paid a niece's rent telling my DH we would never get it back. When her SSD went thru and they received her retro, we and others were paid back. I would loan to her again.

You did right. This sister has made her bed and its not up to you to bail her out. There are resources out there she just has to work to find them.
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When I read 'buy a house' my gut seized up with caution staight up.
No.

Haven't read below yet but my guess is a chorus of No.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this sort of behaviour - but you seem to be handling it very well.
Living your values (offering help) but holding firm to your boundaries (no to handing money over). Really, well done!

People with difficult personalities or even disordered personalities are the biggest boundary testers in my opinion.

A 'Taker' disguised up Family can be the hardest type to spot. Again, well done so far.
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Your SIL is not you or husband's problem. She's not just poor, she's a nasty vulture. Keep her blocked. Please be careful. Possibly warn your local police.
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Well, well, me thinks she is trying to manipulate you again, her stories make no sense to me.

Not your circus not your monkeys. Don't even consider buying and renting to her, she most likely would not pay you.

Keep her blocked and take care of you!

Sending support your way!
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Why in the world are you entertaining this woman’s entitled narcissistic ideas?

Just say no.

Why when you were finally free from her, did you decide to contact her and bring her back into your life?
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Southernwaver Jan 4, 2024
Ok, I just saw you blocked her. Good for you and stay strong with this.
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My overly kind DIL is a physician and makes very good money.

Of which she gives about half to her bloodsucking relatives. Somebody's in jail (again) and she bails them out. Her YS has had 2 out of wedlock babies with no daddy in sight and DIL props her up.

This could go on and on. She wanted to retire and manage her practice and work 1 day a week by the time she was 45. That was last year--and my son had to break the news to her that she didn't have enough money saved/invested for her to quit. I think that really stings--she's learned that giving and giving when you really need to care for yourself & family first and then other family--the hard way.

I have never let her pay for even an airline ticket when I'd go tend the kids for a week.

Your sister's situation sounds super, super fishy. Keep those boundaries tight and remember the famous line that the word "no" is a complete sentence.
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Well, I think you have already solved your issue.

You gave her fair warning. She tested you, and you blocked her. Bravo 👏! Keep it that way. She doesn’t deserve your generosity.

You woke up. I am not worried about you. Great job!
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Don’t ever buy houses for family. It never turns out well.
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I have a mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"

Meaning, I will help find you the resources but you have to follow thru. I may take you to Social Services or Office of Aging to get help but you better take advantage of what is offered. I had a friend who could no longer drive complain about getting to Dr visits and shopping. I told her to sign up for the Senior bus. She told me she did but never heard from them. "Did you call?" I am pretty sure she never applied. But, you expect people to cart u around. I think she asked me once to drive her somewhere, I did. I never volunteered. She never asked again.
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JColl7 Jan 9, 2024
That’s a great mantra. I agree and will use it too!!!
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Why are you enabling her?? It isn't your responsibility to support her. If she can't get into a house then she will have to do an apartment.

SAVE THAT MONEY FOR YOUR FAMILY. You may need more help which cost money then where would you be if it wasn't there.

Stay true to yourself and family. In the end you will need all the finances you have to support yourselves.

I WOULD NOT do anything to help her. She isn't your children which I could see if you were helping them if you have any.

As I said before STOP ENABLING HER.

Prayers
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Good for you - BLOCK - was the best solution! Congratulations on the grandbaby! Also you have a big job with your health probs and hubbys health probs! Keep sticking to your guns!
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As a spouse to someone with late stage Alzheimer’s, I say to you: please save that money for you and your spouses’ future needs. You owe your SIL absolutely nothing. It sounds cruel, but you can’t help those who do not wish to help themselves. Her problems are not your problems. Don’t worry about what she says or thinks, or anyone else who would side with her. She will figure it out. You made a commitment to your spouse and your marriage, not to take care of his manipulative “poor me” sister.
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So, your SIL who sounds like a woman in some very desperate staits reached out to you for help.

You agreed to help her because you can afford to and were willing to buy the house at a reduced price and she would pay you rent.

The second you hear the term 'Irrevocable Trust' you renege on your willingness to help her out. Do you understand how a Trust works? You would own the property she lives in. You would not be buying it for her. By having it in Trust means that she can live there but can't sell it. You do not have to make her the inheritor of that property either. A lawyer makes up a Trust. It can say whatever conditions you want it to and I don't think your SIL or anyone else was expecting you to buy a house and give it to her.

It was good of her landlord to not sell her place. Clearly this guy values your family more than you do.

As for you giving her one warning about the personal attacks or you'll block her. I'm sure this woman has far more pressing matters than worrying about you blocking communications from her. Matters like how she's going to get by and not becoming homeless.

Live and learn. Can I give you one valuable word of advice that will serve you well.

Don't offer to step up and help a person if you don't really mean it. It's better to let people think you're selfish or the "bad guy" then to make offers to desperate people that you have no intention of following through on.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 9, 2024
That is so unfair. An irrevocable trust is not the answer for the help this SIL needs.

I would have put a full stop to the help as well, the person seeking help doesn't get to make the rules, as you often tell posters. Just because this lady isn't a demented elder doesn't change that rule. Let alone a landlord getting involved and trying to tie up assets for what purpose? Nothing good guaranteed!

Quite frankly, nobody gets to tell someone else how they are going to handle their own assets. This whole situation smells to high heaven and I think the OP did the right thing blocking her grifter SIL.
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Seek Elder Law Attorney advice. Stop trying to appease her. She needs to have a social services person ( licensed social worker or Geriatric specialist) working with her at her location to best help her navigate her needs, systems that might offer options for her ( such as subsidized senior housing etc ), and , help her plan for her care needs WITHOUT you and your husband who as you describe are very very ill.
You can also place an anonymous call to APS ( Adult Protective Services) in the area where she lives and report what behaviors , needs etc that she is experiencing. Let APS take it from there. Between her, the landlord and you, there is a perfect " Drama Triangle" building which will only end in disaster.
Get yourself Attorney advice ASAP. She is playing the " guilt trip", drama scene scenario "; stop taking the emotional abuse she is dealing out in her calls.
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This sounds exactly like my son, who is 48. He has some mental issues and is a narcissist. How do you know she was in the hospital, you only have her word for it. My son has said “I am in the hospital” more times than I can count, hoping for sympathy annd money. Until I started asking for his room number and his nurses name.

He has caused untold damage financially and to my property. I moved and have blocked him except for email. That way I keep my answers to a few words.

Don’t let her play on your sympathies. You earned your money, you deserve to spend it, not her.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 9, 2024
@BeckyT

Does your son have a social worker or conservator looking out for him if he has mental illness and can't care for himself?

There's a big difference between playing on someone's sympathies and being desperately down and out.
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Educate her on how to save money and set her a goal to reach so she can buy one. I don’t care the relationship it’s not your job to give them money they are adults
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BurntCaregiver Jan 9, 2024
@Sample

The SIL is totally alone and has been renting her home herself for at least the last ten years as the OP has stated.

The OP also states that she's concerned her SIL has early dementia suggesting she "educate" her on how to save money is pretty ridiculous, don't you think?

Let me let you in on a little secret. You can't save what you don't have.

You've probably never been alone and desperate. If you have then you would not make such a nonsense suggestion.
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Debmiller: Your and your husband's own health needs are your priority here and not your SIL's issues. Knowing that you're both ill, that's actually quite bold of her. You've already solved HER problem by blocking her.
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She probably wouldn’t pay the rent. You would be last in line.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 10, 2024
@jbramwell

What are you basing this statement on? That she probably wouldn't pay the rent.

Let me tell you something about poor folks. They are very often respectable and responsible. They pay their rent and many have good credit believe it or not.

I grew up poor and I have lived in hardship in my adult life. I paid my rent. It meant a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for supper for a while, but I paid it. My lights got turned off for a few days but I paid it in time. I never stiffed a landlord.

Don't assume that the SIL probably won't pay the rent.
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“Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!”

Is the manipulative drama behavior from SIL new or has she always been difficult? If she has always been a difficult person and a taker (perhaps with borderline personality disorder, etc.), I think you’re wise to keep your distance to protect yourself and hubby.

If the behavior is new and out of character, that seems like a completely different scenario. In that case I could see trying to help her find resources and medical care, whatever (but not being her wallet!).
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Posting, then reading the responses, I was surprised the issue of grifters already was mentioned.
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