My husband has alzheimers (mid stage). I have Multiple Sclerosis (currently in remission), Chronic Kidney disease (3B, stable). We own our home outright and have saved and planned for our retirement. SIL lives about 5 hours away from us in an area with very high cost of living. She is divorced, no children, rents a house for last 10 years. Two years ago her landlord gave her notice he was selling all of his rentals. She approached me asking for help with a down payment to buy the house. I agreed to do that. Very quickly it became a crisis and she asked us to buy the house at a lower than market price and rent to her. Landlord agreed and I persuaded husband we could afford to help. Next thing, SIL says landlord is afraid we will sell house to take a profit and abandon her. SIL claims landlord wants house to go in irrevocable trust with her as beneficiary...We walked away at that point. Drama ensued, she accused me of abandoning her, leaving her suicidal and on verge of homelessness. I stopped communicating mostly for last year and half. When our first grandchild was born in October, I sent photos and info about her new nephew. I actually had hopes the tides had turned. She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. She had part time job as home companion. Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!
My delimma: I am willing to help her but not buy that house for her. I would never hand over any large cash payment directly to her. Living with us is out of question. She is very alone in the world and I'm concerned she could be experiencing early dementia, hence her poor judgment. My Husband has one of the APOE4 genes. I have read so many stories here of family members with narcissistic traits trying to exploit families living with dementia. I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. BTW, I've blocked her from my text and phone. I gave her one warning that if personal attack continued, I would block her. She immediately tested my resolve, so I blocked her.
Or are you getting all the facts from SIL?
Later, it was SIL who conveyed to me he was willing to go forward. I regret not calling him at that point. That's when I had house appraised and inspected. I don't remember how long but very soon after that SIL texted to report the landlord believed we would flip the house for a quick profit and he required a trust to give SIL any profit if house is sold. Alarm bells rang immediately. It sounded a lot like "projection" coming from SIL to me. I did not want to give her the opportunity to have rights to any gain from a sale. She could stop paying rent forcing me to sell and she could walk with the profit.
She can rent anywhere.
If I were you, I would 'get out of Dodge' - in other words, if you are too young to know that phrase, let your sister-in-law manage her own needs and especially financial.
* As I see it, she is unstable, mentally / psychologically, or cognitively - and unable to care for herself - as needed.
- Her financial situation will continue to change by way of her asking for more and more ... and more financial and otherwise support. She will drain you/r husband dry if she can. She will try.
SIL needs a social worker, therapist, etc. I am sure you know this.
* I believe the 'best help / support" you can / could provide is to get her in the system for financial support however that manifests. DO NOT participate in helping her out financially as this will / would then (likely) legally, be considered 'her income' and show 'her' ability to pay her way. She cannot.
* IF you decide to buy a home or (mobile home?) or some real estate, be sure it is in your/husband's name - you are the property owners. I still sense this isn't the way to go - she could / may likely / possibly trash the place. And perhaps call YOU day after day for 'repairs' - do you want this headache? Answer: NO.
YOU and your husband have enough to manage with your own health needs and future. You have saved or managed your $ to retire. Don't give that away. It is a faucet that will never turn off.
The comment about narcissistic traits in the family is the icing on the cake = do not go there. Get her into the system and be minimally involved. Although providing referrals is a HUGE support to her.
Accept she'll be mad / pi-sed / squawk / have a tandrum / try to wear you / your husband down. Be prepared ahead of time mentally for how you will handle this.
- Stay firm with your decisions.
- Do not argue or repeat yourself. State your position / 'boundaries of support' and if she persists, tell her you will send her a written agreement or 'understanding of support' - she will 'try' to convince you / she will strategize as this is what people do who cannot manage their own life / needs. She'll see a 'weak link' and zero in (if she has the cognitive ability to do so).
- Put your terms in writing (make it very official) if that feels right. She'll know you are serious if you do so - or perhaps she'll get it.
- Deal with your own guilt or sensitivity / desire to 'help' - be gentle with yourself. Caring for another / family is not easy and feelings - conflicting feelings will arise. If you need, get into short term therapy yourself.
You are a lovely, wonderful s-i-l. Keep your retirement nestegg. You'll need it.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your sister would be better in an apartment. Then she just pays the rent and utilities. You call maintenance when there is a problem. You could help her by paying security deposit and first and last months rent. There are resources she can take advantage of.
She is a victim of her own choices. You do not have to be a victim of her choices. Maybe you can call a social worker in her city for her? Or google social services in that city and see if there’s somebody you can tip off to help her.