My husband has alzheimers (mid stage). I have Multiple Sclerosis (currently in remission), Chronic Kidney disease (3B, stable). We own our home outright and have saved and planned for our retirement. SIL lives about 5 hours away from us in an area with very high cost of living. She is divorced, no children, rents a house for last 10 years. Two years ago her landlord gave her notice he was selling all of his rentals. She approached me asking for help with a down payment to buy the house. I agreed to do that. Very quickly it became a crisis and she asked us to buy the house at a lower than market price and rent to her. Landlord agreed and I persuaded husband we could afford to help. Next thing, SIL says landlord is afraid we will sell house to take a profit and abandon her. SIL claims landlord wants house to go in irrevocable trust with her as beneficiary...We walked away at that point. Drama ensued, she accused me of abandoning her, leaving her suicidal and on verge of homelessness. I stopped communicating mostly for last year and half. When our first grandchild was born in October, I sent photos and info about her new nephew. I actually had hopes the tides had turned. She and I talked once after that and she said landlord wasn't selling the house because she had no options. She had part time job as home companion. Then, day after Cristmas she launched an attack criticizing us for not sending money for Christmas as we usually do. She assaulted my morals and family values more or less because she was in hospital during holiday. She said she would be checking in every day on us if things were in reverse. She never told us she was in hospital!
My delimma: I am willing to help her but not buy that house for her. I would never hand over any large cash payment directly to her. Living with us is out of question. She is very alone in the world and I'm concerned she could be experiencing early dementia, hence her poor judgment. My Husband has one of the APOE4 genes. I have read so many stories here of family members with narcissistic traits trying to exploit families living with dementia. I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck. I would appreciate your thoughts and advice. BTW, I've blocked her from my text and phone. I gave her one warning that if personal attack continued, I would block her. She immediately tested my resolve, so I blocked her.
When my husband died, his sister attacked me for refusing to allow her and her sons (under 5) move into our house or give our house to her.
The sense of entitlement in these bullies astounds me!
You owe your SIL nothing. She has no idea how much money you have or don't have, so tell her "sorry we just really don't have the money." I know MS meds are expensive, a friend of my DDs is in debt because of the shot. You need to hold on to what you have. There is help out there for her, she just needs to go to Social Services and Office of Aging. I am sure there are food closets. Help with utilities, but she has to find them.
One of the best ways to help someone is to provide them with resources so they can help themselves.
Do a quick search for organizations in her area that might help.
The local Senior Service Center
The local Area Agency on Aging.
Both of these may have programs that can help with housing, utilities.
She can discuss with the landlord the option of a "rent to buy" in this way a % or her rent will go to the purchase of the house. Seems to be a Win-Win for both her and landlord. the landlord can determine how much of her rent goes to the purchase price. (I am sure that if she has been renting and paying on time for 10 years the house has been paid for so what the landlord gets is gravy at this point other than his expenses)
You and your husband have enough on your plates both singly and as a couple.
Stand your ground.
Boundaries!
By the way she can collect on her Social Security if it is more than what she would get.
If he ex is a Veteran she MAY qualify for benefits through the VA as well (may be means based but worth looking into)
The thing concerning me is her dementia. And if it isn't dementia, what is it? She must have some mental illness going on.
Another thing is her personal attacks on you. Anyone trying to get help from someone would have more sense than to personally attack the person they're asking. It's like she's lost her filters that should be telling her that attacking you is counterproductive and won't produce the result she says she wants - your help with the house.
I don't see an upside for you anywhere in this bundle of woes. Since you and husband have enough going on to take care of yourselves, my advice is to back off and not provide any help at all. She's shot herself in the foot, so to speak. You have no obligation to her.
Sad, but protect yourself from those who would do you harm. She's one of them.