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Never...As I sit here feeding my Mom, and am about to go bathe her in my 5th year of taking 24 hour care of her, I think of how you can walk away after your visit . You're Mom's disease is talking, not her. I agree everyone that you never give up on your family. Think about if it were you and your daughter stopped visiting because of the way you spoke, but you didnt even realize it? Let it all roll off your shoulders, shes in a nursing home and not living with you, which is a major relief right there. We all put up with the "stages" due to our "unconditional" love for our family. Be strong and give her lots of love and hugs regardless. Maybe you can do things with her like play music or cards or read to her to get her mind off it but regardless shes the only Mom you'll ever have. IF I were you I would agree with everything she says and make her feel important as if she is still mothering you or as if you are her sister, so what, its theraputic lies to make someone feel good. Tell her she has great ideas and thank her, etc. they just love to feel good about themselves. When I tell my Mom she has the most beautiful blue eyes in the world her eyebrows go way up, she cannot talk but she still has emotion. Good Luck!
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Krusso~ your story resonates with mine also. I so understand the deep love for your mom. I too don't think I'll survive her death. My mom has always been my rock. The umbilical cord was never cut. If something happened in my life to hurt me she somehow knew and would call and do everything in her power to fix it. When it could not be fixed she was steadfast and tried to find other ways to sooth me.
Visits with her now "kill" me. I want her back so badly I actually think it would be great if we passed the same time. I don't know how I'll ever be happy. So I pray and believe some miracle will happen and she will snap out of it.
Hugs to you. I know how your heart must feel.
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I know how if feels I have a mother the same way. Giving up is not the answer unless you don't want to be bothered anymore. Got to remember when you was little if something happened to you in anyway. Would your mom give up on you? walk away? It's not her fault as we age things just sometimes happens its very sad but that's life. My mothers the same way she calls me sometimes momma. But I just tell her I'm your daughter mom your my mom. She calls her son her brothers name and my sister her sisters name but she knows who we are I asked her said yes I know who you are. That is because she can't remember our names it's hard to say sometimes she does remember and calls me by my wright name. My thoughts are is that she really loved her family she lost them all early when she was in her 20s and as I was growing up she always cried about them talked about them sometimes in tears they are in her mind her heart and soul and now because her mind is not right there in her mind still. Kinda hard to explain all I know each one of us has a story. Maybe your mother loved to go out have fun and still wants too! It's hard to accept being the way she is now like my mom I think I would feel the same way if I was in there shoes. I pick my mom up and I take her from the nursing home in my car and I take her out cause she still wants to and likes to go out and can still. I try and make her happy as much as I can all I can say for me as long as my mother still can breath walk and function Nobody's gonna stop me! I Love My Mom. Just remember maybe you mothers calling you a sister for a reason?
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Yes, the facility DOES need to see family HOWEVER, I visited my Dad regularly yet they almost killed him when they gave him too much insulin - but of course we ALL need to define "regularly" don't we? Dad's told me about this incident - I wasn't there. Unfortunately, longterm visiting for years can wear down even the most patient & tolerant of caregivers - My husband's one of them. Everyone knows family has to visit regulary or the facility will neglect the person. I CAN'T go twice a day to see mom nor did I do that w/Dad. I know I'm a MONSTER but I would probably just die in my sleep & mom would have to bury her own child. I guess I'm getting tired, plain & simple. I know that makes me a HORRIBLE person, but if it does, so be it. Like I said I love my mother more than life itself & when she dies I'll probably go with her - I won't survive w/o her...
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"Gregsmom" is right. The facility needs to understand that family visits regularly, or they will neglect her and do god-awful, dumb things. My dad was in a "very nice" facility for 5 years; my mother went twice a day and you still would not believe the dumb stuff they pulled constantly. The workers in these places are underpaid and treated poorly by management. They tend to take it out on the patients. Go at different times of day so that all of the shifts understand that a family member might pop in at any time. My mom has now passed away but for the last three months was in and out of the hospital and a really beautiful (externally at least) skilled nursing facility. I was in a constant go-round with them over clothes. I did her laundry because if you let something go into their general laundry you were likely never to see it again or it would be mangled. I fought with them daily because they always "forgot" that I did not want her things in their laundry. Plus there was incident after incident such as: refusing to help her put on her bra; dressing her in men's clothes that were two sizes too big (the laundry issue again); "forgetting" to keep her supplied with water, or else having lovely ice water that was placed out of reach, I could go on and on and on. You HAVE to visit even if it is just to keep these morons in line.
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Sherry, I'm in the same situation. Mom's 94, I'm her only child, Dad's gone & it's VERY difficult to keep seeing her in that damn nursinghome twice a week, TRUST me. I HATE it - she also keeps repeating herself & almost totatly deaf now. She entered Gulfshore in JUly 2011 so it'll be 2 yrs this summer. Sherry there have been MANY times i just wanted to throw up my hands & give up. Yet I continue to go because she still knows who I am & I love her more than life itself. Saturady around 6 pm Richard (hubby)& I go - every Saturday we spend about 1/2 hr there - my visits are about the same - the older she gets the more difficult the visits get but I do want her to see me & I want to see her as welll. If you saw the Golden Globe Awards you know what Jodie Foster said - she told her mom "I love you" three times I tear up a little every time I think about that. This is the longest journey I've ever taken in my entire life & after she's gone it'll be the most difficult. Anyway, that's my story & please take what you want from it. I'm not going to "tell" you what you should do - look into your own heart & listen to what it's telling you...Le me know how you're doing - I care about you. Karen
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My mother in law had dementia. When my father in law was in the hospital and couldn't visit, she would ask where "that nice man who comes to visit" was. She didn't know what his relationship to her was, but she missed him and knew he was kind to her. The hard part is that she was no longer there for him and her children. They had to grieve while she was still alive. She was in her own world. My husband and his Dad used to say, "I don't know where she is, but she is happy in her world and that's ok."
My father never had dementia, but it was difficult to visit him every day. I would go every other day and as time passed I tried to think of him as a person who was facing the end of his life. He wanted to know that his life had some meaning, I listened to the stories no matter how many times I heard them.
As we visited our parents, we felt our hearts were being ripped from our chest. We grieved every loss as it happened. It's not an easy road. In my case, I'm glad I kept going. I did have to "let go" of the image I had of my parents and see them as they are in the present moment. Which made the visits a little easier.
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When it becomes too difficult to think of your mom in this way, reach deep into your compassionate heart and be there for this fellow human being. Show her kindness and love. Both GregsMom and SunsetSheila have excellent points. Remove yourself from the equation -- that is, don't take it personally. Your mom has a disease and that's what is talking, not your mom. Stay with love.
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Sherry, My advice is to never give up. No matter who she may be visiting with she is you beloved Mom. Be gentle and remind her who you are, if she prefers to think you are her sister or even a kind stranger who comes to visit, go with it. Use your compassion and loving heart to be with her. Don't take it personal or dwell in the who she has become. It is not her fault, she would never choose to go down this path in her life. No matter how difficult it is for you it is so much worse for her. If she were your child instead of your parent I know you would not stop going to visit. Be in the moment with her as she is today. Yes, she may live for many years, but today is all you may have with her. When she passes from this life you will have solace in the peace in your heart that you showed her your love and support till the end. She may not know the who, what or when anymore, however she she knows what being loved feels like. We never know how life will go for any of us. One of the wise things my Mom raised me to understand is to always treat others as we would like to be treated.
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U need to continue to be visable for the facility. folks with no family tend to not get quality care. human nature. U R family and caring and vigilance needs to start and end with you. no matter now hard. been there done that.
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